LETTERS FROM THE LAB: All parents want their children to do well in school

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

My son just started kindergarten today.

As a parent, I’m always worried about how my kid will do. Will he struggle to learn? Will he get along with others? Will he have discipline issues?

By lunchtime, I’d already received a call from the principal. She said my little mad man wasn’t listening, he wasn’t participating in class, and during recess, he’d already manipulated a group of about 20 students into joining in his evil 10-point plot to take over the entire school.

“He and this group of children had the whole campus on lockdown,” the principal told me over the phone.

I raced down to the school to meet with several staff members, including my boy’s teacher and the principal. They, too, were equally thrilled with the boy’s performance.

In other words, I worried about my kid for nothing.

So if you have a little bugger at home and you’re worried he or she is showing no signs of interest in taking over the world, give it some time. They’ll always shock you.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil always on his mind and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transylveinya.

Mad Science Convention to showcase over 100 plans to take over the world

By The Crazed Scientist
Special Events Writer
 
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Tomorrow marks the start of the Annual Mad Science Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center, which will go through Fri., Aug. 18. Mad scientists from all over the globe will be there to show off their plans to take over the world.

Some will show off their proposals using crude models, some will use the actual machinery to carry out their plots and others will explain their ideas by way of elaborate drawings. But all of these maniacs are off their rockers.

“I’ll be executing a trial run of my brilliant scheme using hand puppets,” said the Master of Puppets, a mad scientist who says he and his puppets will one day be in charge. The puppets on his hands went on to say something else, but the high pitch voices were too difficult to make out.

Those who want to catch all the action should arrive at least an hour before the doors open. According to the posters spread around town and several newspaper and magazine ads that were published over the weekend, the convention starts at midnight tonight (technically tomorrow). But the doors won’t open till 1 a.m.

“The problem with this convention -- other than the start time and the time they’ll be opening the doors -- is that all of these plans to take over the world are supposed to be secret,” said convention organizer Mad Scientist. “Too late now, though. As you know, we’ve already made the posters and placed the ads, so we might as well just go through with it. However, we warn you to forget whatever you see there.”

Letters from the Lab: The evil lair

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

There’s one thing you must have before you can ever be considered a true mad scientist these days. Any idea what that one thing might be?

The answer is an evil lair.

Maybe you didn’t know you needed a lair, and that’s what’s been holding you back all these years. Or maybe you did know you needed a lair but you just couldn’t afford such a place. One thing is certain: You have to have a place to facilitate your ideas, a place to create mad plots and a place to produce lethal experiments if you ever want world domination.

Today I’ll explain how you can create your very own simple evil lair at a low, low cost.

But before you buy even the first test tube or blinking light, there are a few things you must know about yourself.

Do you fit the part?

How do you know you’re fit to own your own evil lair? Well, for starters, do you have an evil laugh mastered? Go to the nearest mirror and check it out. Take a deep breath and start laughing as loud as you can. Keep it going for 10 to 100 seconds, and then slowly bring it down. Try it now. Muwahahahahahahahahahaha! Keep practicing until you feel you sound evil and convincing. You can’t truly have an evil lair if you don’t have an evil laugh. So practice, practice, practice.

What are you wearing?

Are you really trying to pull off your evil schemes wearing a T-shirt and jeans, using a Bic pen to write notes and secret numbers? If you live in the Mad Science District, do yourself a favor and go down to Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive and pick up a smock, an industrial set of goggles and a pocket protector with custom pens that have your name and evil slogan printed on them. Doesn’t that feel better? Of course it does.

What’s next?

Now that you fit the part, you’re ready to find your space.

Location, location, location

Peace and quiet is critical when conducting evil experiments and carrying out mad plans, so you’ll want to find a location that’s not noisy and not crawling with meddling fools. You’ll also want a place that’s isolated so idiots who don’t know what you’re doing won’t ever find out what you’re doing. You don’t want anyone hearing the explosions, rocket launchers, flowing electricity and loud rumbling lab machinery in your place. A good location for any evil lair is underground.

If you live in the Mad Science District, then you’re in luck. With so many experiments gone wrong and other explosions in the area, there are literally hundreds of gargantuan craters in the ground to choose from. Pick one. It won’t cost you a dime because the mad scientist who previously owned the property was most likely blown sky high during his or her failed experiment. Construct your lair there and worry about any legal issues later. Heck, you may own the world by the time anyone tries to take legal action, so it doesn’t matter if you’re in the right or the wrong.

You got the power?

How are you going to power up all that equipment needed to take over the world? If you know anything about electricity, you’ll have no problems wiring the place. If you don’t possess such skills, you’ll want to get an electrician. Go to the Hyde Hospital, Morgue and Snow Cone Shop down on Jekyll Drive, throw a rock and you’ll hit some nut that knows a thing or two about how electricity works. This also shouldn’t cost much because even if the guy charges you for the work, you can just tell him you’ll gift him a small island somewhere in the Dead Sea after you take over the world. And don’t worry about making good on the promise. You’ll own the world, so you can do whatever you want.

Security and surveillance

Securing your new lair is not as challenging as you might think, but whether it is or not, you’ll need surveillance cameras all over the flippin’ place. How can you have an evil lair without a giant bank of surveillance monitors that you can watch at any given moment? It’s worth the price you’ll pay for it and worth all the headaches you’ll experience trying to sync all the clocks on the cameras.

You’ll also need computer systems with passcodes, encrypted lines to the Internet and plenty of power outlets for the plethora of monitors you’ll have around your desk. It just looks neat and complete with all that equipment. And while you’re at it, get yourself one of those full-feature ergonomic task chairs with ball-and-socket armrests, a wide range of adjustability and full 360-degree swivel capabilities.

Data collection

Get a super computer, which you can purchase for peanuts at mad scientist auctions held on weekends all over the Mad Science District. You’ll need a computer that can really collect all kinds of data. And you’ll need a system with embedded adaptive technology and the ability to selfheal and acclimate to any condition like end-of-the-world scenarios in the event someone pushes one of the self-destruct buttons on your lair. Allow time to program your system and integrate it with all of your other systems before you begin any plans to take over the world.

A ton of consoles with lights all over

You’ll need a ton of consoles with lights all over, which goes without saying. This will be your biggest cost.

Backup power

You’ll need a few power generators and a battery backup system. Evil-More sells a bunch of affordable units. Once you pull all that power from the power grid to power up your lair, the power company will likely shut you off until they figure out what’s going on. They’ll never actually come up with any answers because you’re smarter than they are and they’ll eventually turn your power back on, but you’ll still need an alternate power source with enough power to sustain all of your equipment for a few days while they investigate.

The power to get secrets

If you want power -- the real kind -- then you’re going to need an interrogation room, and you’ll need a good interrogation chair, too. How else do you think you’re going to feel powerful? And how else do you think you’re going to get secret codes? Don’t install anything that’s too comfortable. The room should be no warmer than freezing and the chair should be like those in the DMV so your victims’ experiences offer no comfort whatsoever.

You’ll probably want a couple jail cells, as well, in order to contain those victims who just aren’t cooperating with you. They can wait there for their doom while you try to think of a few new ways to get those codes you need. You can get cheap jail cells almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.

Survival gear, food, water and first aid kits -- just in case

This is all fine and dandy. But you can get rid of all that stuff once you get around to creating a first aid robot. Do yourself a favor and create a first aid robot. We all make mistakes and we all need first aid every now and then.

Huge rocket, a very loud countdown clock and a laser

You want everyone in the area to see the rocket coming out of the ground. So don’t waste your money on compact rockets, even if the label says it’s just as effective. You also want everyone to hear the countdown. So the louder it is, the more dramatic and tense it’ll be. And, of course, you’ll need a laser for added effect, which goes without saying.

Other additions

Here are a few other things you won’t need now, but you’ll want later: A war room, trap doors, roving security robots, a shark pool, booby traps, lava pits, self-destruct buttons behind glass with those little hammers to break the glass, secret tunnels (they don’t really have to go anywhere -- they’re just fun), rodents in cages, doomsday devices (more for those mad scientists with warehouse-scale lairs), oversized diagonally-aligned cargo elevators, excessively long corridors, revolving walls, cylindrical vats of viscous orange liquids (perfect for storing genetic mutants), severed body parts, armies of clones, automatic double doors that go swoosh, easily bypassed optical scanners, easily bypassed palm-print readers and other neat stuff I don’t have to tell you about, which you’ll find wandering the aisles of Evil-More.

A fully functioning evil lair

Once you’ve got your lair together and up and running, take a moment to enjoy the smell. There’s nothing like new-lair smell. Mmmmm. Now’s a good time to use that evil laugh you mastered: Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!

But wait, there’s one more thing you’re missing . . . Books. Lots and lots of books. Don’t worry -- you don’t have to read them. They’re more for show. And they intimidate any unwanted guests. So buy a bunch of them. You can get cheap books almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.  

There are, however, a few books you may just want to read. Check out the ones on the scientific method. You’ll probably want a brief understanding of that before conducting any big experiments. You might also want to check out a few books on world domination in the event you want to see how others have tried and failed to take over the world.

Whether you understand what you’ve read or not, just having the books will make you feel like a genius, which means you’re ready to start creating experiments and planning your world takeover.

Enjoy your new evil lair safely

It’s easy to want to go big with your evil plans right away when you’re sitting in your new evil lair. Go for it! Just be safe. But I don’t have to tell you that because “safety” isn’t your middle name.

Have fun anyway. If you have an open house, let me know. I look forward to checking out what your place looks like before you accidentally blow it to smithereens.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.

Mad Science District ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- where relaxation is scientifically engineered

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

Nature and relaxation go hand in hand, and the Mad Science District has scientifically engineered nature as a means to calm you to the max.

Take for example our Killer Chicken Farm out in The Sticks. The chickens didn’t start out to be killers. A crazy mad scientist was engineering some poultry and other barnyard animals to create that good ol’ family farm feel for folks, but then something went wrong and the chickens, cows and ponies began a series of vicious attacks with urges to take over the world that have since come and gone. You may feel like you’re in a warm setting when you arrive. You just might need a flame-thrower or a tank to wipe these things out if they start rushing you with their venomous teeth and claws and laser-beam eyes.

The mad scientists in these parts are always trying to think of the next great, dominating thing. Just visit the Floating Homes, many of which are models for how beings in the future might one day live.

Take a seat in the patented CozyChair and let the modular robots (mechanical creations that can assume any form and self-repair) do all the cooking and cleaning for you and cater to your every need. These most generous machines also double as unstoppable death-bringers in the event of the big anticipated apocalypse. Unfortunately, several of these ‘bots have backfired and blown their owners clear out of the Floating Homes and into the large ventilator fans in the Factories next door, which gets real messy. Nevertheless, these machines are mostly pretty reliable five percent of the time.

Another great place to go and disappear for the day is Invisible Boulevard. In the various facilities there, mad scientists will pick and prod at you, run experiments on you until you feel light as a feather. That’s because you’ll be gone.

Being invisible can be very calming. No one will bother you because no one will see you. The only drawbacks are the side effects caused by the chemicals used to make you disappear, which include an unbalanced mind, suicidal tendencies, visions of killer chickens coming after you (though, those might actually be escaped killer chickens from the Killer Chicken Farm), temper issues, and your urine might glow neon orange.

If you’re not willing to take on those risks, there’s the Cryogenics Lab down on Lab Lane. It’s the big building that looks like it’s housed inside a giant ice cube. That’s because it is housed inside a giant ice cube.

Pull up an ice block, sit back and let the preservation of your age begin. Yes, cryogenics and our scientists in the Cryogenics Lab will keep you young and preserve your body. The only problem is that when you leave the lab, your age accelerates at an extremely high rate that goes well beyond the age you were when you went in. And there’s a very slight, slight chance (about 98 percent chance) that you’ll die. Very slight chance. Slim to none.

Time Machine Way is an enjoyable place to stop over. You’ll find time machines made out of everything from sports cars and telephone booths, to sleds with rear rotating dishes and even port-o-potties.

If you ask me personally, I like to spend my quiet Sundays at the Specimen Zone back on Brain Street. I often wander the store’s aisles when I have nothing to do in search of stuff that would look cool on my shelves. Frogs and worms in jars always look impressive, but human organs and eyeballs and things like that in jars will really knock out any company you have over.

I especially like to set up my Tesla Coils and electric spark resonators next to things that are still alive in the lab. Not sure if the coils and resonators serve any real practical function, but they look pretty neat next to jarred-up, moving organisms.

I can go on and on about the great places and things to check out in the Mad Science District. They’re not serene locales, but they’re cool as all get-out and more geared toward a milder evil.

There’s Android Avenue and all the exciting things they’re building over there to destroy the Robot Ranch armies that might attack one day. If those armies don’t attack, the androids have planned an assault of their own just for fun. They’ve been deploying spying robot bugs with lightweight sensors to see what Robot Ranch has been up to for years. Swarms upon swarms of those things are typically shot out of the air by robot death-rays. Yes, the fight for supremacy is a glorious thing.

You can also visit the Grid. Yes, the entire electrical grid for Transyl-vein-ia is right here in the Mad Science District. If it goes down, we all go down.

We mad scientists have been trying to take over that grid since the beginning. What mad scientist doesn’t want to take over everything? No one knows who runs it, and no one knows how to get in. I’ve got something in the works as I write this article. I can’t explain any further, but it’s going to work this time. Ten percent guaranteed to be a success. You’ll most likely be learning about my efforts and my new leadership of the world from your favorite news source very, very soon.

The Mad Scientist writes a column for Jack-o’-Lantern Press called, “Letters from the Lab.” Be sure to look for it in October when our regular news coverage continues.

Mad Science District ‘Hidden Harms’ -- a well-substantiated explanation

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

It’s important to note that deep in the heart of the Mad Science District lie the defining characteristics of this great land, yet they’re not so easy to find.

Before getting started, I’d grab a snow cone or two from Hyde Hospital, Morgue and Snow Cone Shop. So good. They’ll keep you going. Then hop on the moving sidewalk. If you haven’t noticed already, they run the length, width, depth and height (for the floating homes) of the entire district.

Take Sidewalk R1027 to Doom Drive. You’ll quickly be able to deduce that it’s our retail and residential area. Look, if you’re already sold on the place, check into the Unreal Estate Offices and get the process started. There are so many great TooSmart Homes with robot landscaping, defense canons and more that recently went on the market. You might even find a nice starter floater home that you’ll see in the sky above the street.

If you’re not in the market yet or if you’re still evaluating the area, then it’s safe to conclude that you need some more convincing. So, right there on Doom Drive, find a tiny little building that you’d miss if your sidewalk was moving too fast called Evil-More Shopping Mart. It’s got all kinds of gadgets, gears, lasers, resonators, induction coils and some of the coolest surgeon head mirrors you’ll find anywhere.

Don’t be put off by the size of the exterior. The guys who designed it used a space-creating component inside that really opened up the sales floor, and there’s enough stuff in there to excite even those mad men and women who use science for good, not evil.

After checking out the selection of drones, probes and gadget goods, you might find you’ve built up quite the appetite.

Take Sidewalk M1215 to the PB & B Sandwich Shop on Blob Way. I prefer the strawberry blob on my sandwiches. But they also have booberry blob, grrrrr-ape blob, which is basically banana-flavored, and very scary blob.

While you’re on Blob Way, check out the Blob Bounce House. It’s never really busy because guests typically don’t bounce. The Blob usually sucks them up. I don’t recommend waiting a half-hour after eating your sandwich to go play there. If you wait, you won’t get any cramps, and that’s no fun.

One of the most underrated and out-of-the-way things to do in the Mad Science District is a visit to the Jet Pack Shack at the Robot Ranch. I suppose its unpopularity is due to the fact that many of the jet packs peter out at about 18,000 feet, sending jet-packers packing. There’s also a problem with hitting zeppelins, which regularly fill our skies in the Mad Science District -- those are for technical reasons I can’t explain.

The Factories is an out-of-the-way fun spot. They’re not really for visitors to see, but if you ask around, one of the robots on the street will show you how to get there. These facilities pump out more robots than anywhere on the planet in any dimension -- servant robots, military-grade robots, humanoid robots, robotic flies, robotic snakes, robotic fish, unmanned surface vehicles, unmanned aerial vehicles and even robotic intelligence command centers for the upcoming robot uprising. Stop by and get a shirt that says, “My other robot has laser vision.”

Then head over to the Testing Grounds next door. They’re toxic, but I’d recommend checking them out for sure, just so you can see how some of these robots think, move and destroy. Many of them explode and fail. It happens, but no worry, there are plenty more robots where they came from.

In the event a robot spots you, and it’s in attack mode, you might be in some real danger. In that case, you might want to do your homework on how to survive a robot attack before going. See The Brain at Brain Books on Brain Street. He’ll be able to bring up the best books for beating ‘bots.

The Mad Scientist writes a column for Jack-o’-Lantern Press called, “Letters from the Lab.” Be sure to look for it in October when our regular news coverage continues.

Mad Science District ‘Rot Spots’ -- where evil feels best

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

I know evil. And the Mad Science District is the place to be if you want to try to take over the world.

There are some definite spots to check out when you visit. (Word to the wise: Mind thy step. Escape mutant lab rats run rampant in these parts.)

Years ago, when I first got here, I came in a straight jacket and got a firsthand look at Hyde Hospital, Morgue and Snow Cone Shop on Jekyll Drive. (If you haven’t had the snow cones there, please do yourself a favor and get at least two. You’ll go mad for them.) The entire facility was breeding (and still breeds) pure and awesome evil.

It was there I was able to piece together a Who’s Who of crazed individuals with world domination on their minds. And once we all got out of our hospital attire, we made the Mad Science District what it is today.

Before the International Brotherhood and Sisterhood of Mad Scientists (Local 666) could play God, we had to create a place to create. So in the beginning, we created Brain Street, Lab Lane and Doom Drive. These streets were formless and void, and darkness was all over the surface. We kinda liked that. But eventually we let there be light because we needed to see what the heck we were doing if we were going to plot evil schemes.

Once we had the real estate, we began developing places and resources so we could brainstorm ideas. These places thrive today and you can visit them.

Let’s start with the Bored Room at Bored Hall on Brain Street. The Bored Room, which fills all of Bored Hall, is for mad scientists to hold bored meetings. They go there bored and hope to come up with a plan of mass evil. When you visit, ask for a table near the white wall. It’s a great place to sit and be bored.

On Brain Street, you can also check out the brains at the Brain Barn. The Brotherhood and Sisterhood of Mad Scientists have been instrumental in keeping the Brain Barn stocked up with the biggest supply of abnormal brains this side of The Unknown, and you’ll want to see this selection before you leave the district or before you die, whichever comes first.

Then stop by Lab Lane. There, we mad scientists built enough lab space to plot and carry out plans to conquer at least 20 worlds. We strategically set the street in the middle of nowhere because we’re always exploding our facilities with plans gone wrong. Hey, it happens, and we have to rebuild.

Just take a look at the roller coasters we created at Gore Gardens in Shadow City -- they’re always crashing and burning and sending riders to their doom. And while that sounds like fun, we still only see the failure. But you can’t have progress without failure.

In our labs, we let visitors push our buttons. You don’t think mad scientists do anything else, do you?  And we don’t follow rules either. That red button that says “DO NOT PRESS” is even up for grabs. If you’re an aspiring evildoer, we especially welcome you to hit any and all buttons.

There are some areas in some labs that are off limits to you, but, then again, if you’re an aspiring evildoer, feel free to break in and pull levers, mix potions, throw switches and futz around with body parts and cables on our experiments. We’ve rebuilt before, we can rebuild again.

If there are any junior mad scientists in the group, cut over to Bring-A-Bear-To-Life Workshop on Doom Drive. Bring-A-Bear-To-Life was born from an idea that founder Mad Scientist Jr. and her friend Frankie -- who was 10 years old at the time -- had while out shopping for man-made bear monsters. When they couldn’t find the creations that Frankie wanted, Mad Jr. told Frankie, “These are so easy. We can make these ourselves.” She meant to do a craft project, but what Frankie heard was to do something so much bigger.

And so, Bring-A-Bear-To-Life Workshop was born, and so are so many man-made bear monster creations every day.

Junior crazies go into a big bin and pick the unstuffed bear or furry creature skin of choice. They stuff it, fluff it, choose clothing and accessories for it, fill out the critter’s information in a computer database, and then they run 50,000 volts through the thing and watch it come to life. It’s great fun. And sometimes some junior scientists explode the facilities with too many volts or too many monster bears, and we have to rebuild. It happens and it’s all in good fun.

There are so many other things and places to check out in the Mad Science District. The above are only a few. I’ll cover some of the more hidden charms of the area in tomorrow’s entry. Until then, keep on evildoing, evildoers.

The Mad Scientist writes a column for Jack-o’-Lantern Press called, “Letters from the Lab.” Be sure to look for it in October when our regular news coverage continues.