Mad Science District ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- where relaxation is scientifically engineered

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

Nature and relaxation go hand in hand, and the Mad Science District has scientifically engineered nature as a means to calm you to the max.

Take for example our Killer Chicken Farm out in The Sticks. The chickens didn’t start out to be killers. A crazy mad scientist was engineering some poultry and other barnyard animals to create that good ol’ family farm feel for folks, but then something went wrong and the chickens, cows and ponies began a series of vicious attacks with urges to take over the world that have since come and gone. You may feel like you’re in a warm setting when you arrive. You just might need a flame-thrower or a tank to wipe these things out if they start rushing you with their venomous teeth and claws and laser-beam eyes.

The mad scientists in these parts are always trying to think of the next great, dominating thing. Just visit the Floating Homes, many of which are models for how beings in the future might one day live.

Take a seat in the patented CozyChair and let the modular robots (mechanical creations that can assume any form and self-repair) do all the cooking and cleaning for you and cater to your every need. These most generous machines also double as unstoppable death-bringers in the event of the big anticipated apocalypse. Unfortunately, several of these ‘bots have backfired and blown their owners clear out of the Floating Homes and into the large ventilator fans in the Factories next door, which gets real messy. Nevertheless, these machines are mostly pretty reliable five percent of the time.

Another great place to go and disappear for the day is Invisible Boulevard. In the various facilities there, mad scientists will pick and prod at you, run experiments on you until you feel light as a feather. That’s because you’ll be gone.

Being invisible can be very calming. No one will bother you because no one will see you. The only drawbacks are the side effects caused by the chemicals used to make you disappear, which include an unbalanced mind, suicidal tendencies, visions of killer chickens coming after you (though, those might actually be escaped killer chickens from the Killer Chicken Farm), temper issues, and your urine might glow neon orange.

If you’re not willing to take on those risks, there’s the Cryogenics Lab down on Lab Lane. It’s the big building that looks like it’s housed inside a giant ice cube. That’s because it is housed inside a giant ice cube.

Pull up an ice block, sit back and let the preservation of your age begin. Yes, cryogenics and our scientists in the Cryogenics Lab will keep you young and preserve your body. The only problem is that when you leave the lab, your age accelerates at an extremely high rate that goes well beyond the age you were when you went in. And there’s a very slight, slight chance (about 98 percent chance) that you’ll die. Very slight chance. Slim to none.

Time Machine Way is an enjoyable place to stop over. You’ll find time machines made out of everything from sports cars and telephone booths, to sleds with rear rotating dishes and even port-o-potties.

If you ask me personally, I like to spend my quiet Sundays at the Specimen Zone back on Brain Street. I often wander the store’s aisles when I have nothing to do in search of stuff that would look cool on my shelves. Frogs and worms in jars always look impressive, but human organs and eyeballs and things like that in jars will really knock out any company you have over.

I especially like to set up my Tesla Coils and electric spark resonators next to things that are still alive in the lab. Not sure if the coils and resonators serve any real practical function, but they look pretty neat next to jarred-up, moving organisms.

I can go on and on about the great places and things to check out in the Mad Science District. They’re not serene locales, but they’re cool as all get-out and more geared toward a milder evil.

There’s Android Avenue and all the exciting things they’re building over there to destroy the Robot Ranch armies that might attack one day. If those armies don’t attack, the androids have planned an assault of their own just for fun. They’ve been deploying spying robot bugs with lightweight sensors to see what Robot Ranch has been up to for years. Swarms upon swarms of those things are typically shot out of the air by robot death-rays. Yes, the fight for supremacy is a glorious thing.

You can also visit the Grid. Yes, the entire electrical grid for Transyl-vein-ia is right here in the Mad Science District. If it goes down, we all go down.

We mad scientists have been trying to take over that grid since the beginning. What mad scientist doesn’t want to take over everything? No one knows who runs it, and no one knows how to get in. I’ve got something in the works as I write this article. I can’t explain any further, but it’s going to work this time. Ten percent guaranteed to be a success. You’ll most likely be learning about my efforts and my new leadership of the world from your favorite news source very, very soon.

The Mad Scientist writes a column for Jack-o’-Lantern Press called, “Letters from the Lab.” Be sure to look for it in October when our regular news coverage continues.