Witches Meadow ‘Hidden Harms’ -- the black cat is let out of the bag

By Witch Wayryougonnago
Staff Black Magic Writer

Among the top things to do in Witches Meadow, many are quite difficult to find. But if you take the time to look, these hidden charms can actually be quite harmful and make for a more enjoyable visit.

Forget what you think you know about this witches haven: witch hats, black cats and flying broomsticks. Witches Meadow is quite a diverse Transyl-vein-ian district of sophistication and hidden appeal, where a varied population enjoys world-class art, unbeatable restaurants and historical landmarks that celebrate and honor amazing witches who burned at the stake.

One thing that many tourists miss when they visit Witches Meadow is the Witch House Tour in Wicked Forest. That’s because the tour isn’t highly publicized. In fact, you’re not really welcomed. And that’s the joy of it all. Go down the wrong trail and you’ll inevitably run into scalpers. If you can get tour tickets with your head intact, you’ll find that you can get quite the deal.

You’ll tour witch houses of all shapes, sizes and calibers of evil. The Forest Witch lives in a cozy little cottage where you can interface with her deadly spider horde. The Mountain Witch at the end of Wicked Forest will invite you into her castle and allow you to toy around with her chamber of terrors. Most don’t survive.

The tour of over 300 dwellings can take anywhere from a couple hours to a lifetime, so pack accordingly.

The art community in Witches Meadow thrives. Deep in the heart of Wicked Forest you may stumble upon the Witch Arts and Witch Crafts Fair for the little ones and full-grown monsters alike. There you’ll also find regular performances of Shakesfear in the Dark. Be sure to see the production of “Greenface,” which tends to turn off some witches for its stereotypical depiction of happy-go-unlucky enchantresses, so heed the warning.

For those of you who checked out Witch Way Caves and were unlucky enough to find a way out, follow the exit trail down into the valley below. There you’ll find the Burning Stakes. To some this may seem like a happy place. After all, this is where many witches were immortalized in the lore of the land. But it can also be quite somber. So yeah, it is a happy place where you’ll want to spend some time.

If you get hungry while at The Stakes, stop by the nearby Black Cauldron Café for a cup of stew. It’s a local favorite in Transyl-vein-ia and the hardest to find. And if you’re still breathing after a cup, you too might be hard to find. So let your loved ones know where you’re going if you wish to ever reunite.

You may wish for other such misfortune, and if that’s the case, take a stroll down the narrow path on the east side of the café. Go through Lizard Patch, cross Busted Bridge over one of the deepest and deadliest gorges in the country, and meander into Thorn Thicket. At the other end you’ll come across the Wishing Not-So-Well. There you can wish all the terror on others you’d like. It’s a hoot.

And if you like to laugh, head on down the Wishing-Not-So-Well Trail back toward Spell Willows and, just before you cross over, you’ll see a little cottage at the south corner. That’s the Hooked Nose Cackle Factory, where witches have been performing stand-up for over 200 years. It’s been recognized as the No. 1 comedy club in Transyl-vein-ia by such high-profile media as Jack-o’-Lantern Press. Comedy’s top cackle bringers, as well as today’s darkest emerging talent, die on its legendary stage every night.

All this will make for quite the time. But for more relaxing activities, check back with us tomorrow as we explore the area’s more “deceaseful settings.”

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.