Come to Transyl-vein-ia, portals now open everywhere

By Togo Ornottogo

Staff Trav-Hell Writer

Are you traveling through a portal for the first time, or has it been a while since you were last transported to another dimension? Either way, finding a gateway to the other side and going through it can be unnerving, traumatic and deadly. But there are also negative impacts, too.

For those of you out there who don’t live in Transyl-vein-ia (not to be confused with the humans' Transylvania) and who are looking for a getaway this Halloween season, portals are now opening everywhere so you can transport between the human world and the monster world quite easily. But there’s a right way to travel and then there’s our way.

On Monday, witches began opening Transyl-vein-ia portals during the opening ceremonies of the Witching Hour to transport monsters, ghouls and goblins to the human world in preparation for Halloween. All through August and September, these portals will be sending scarers to the other dimension. But the portals go two ways. Those living with humans, including humans, have a two-month window to take the trip of a lifetime (or deathtime) to the "old country."

You’ll first want to make sure you’re ready to travel through a portal. If you’re afraid of transporting or simply apprehensive, great! That’ll heighten the experience. If you don’t typically get motion sickness, some over-the-counter motion-sickness medication will help you feel awful -- nausea, dizziness and anxiety are all the perks you’ll get out of just one tablet.

You’ll want to have everything you need to survive in jungles, mountains, deserts . . . and don’t forget a bathing suit for the quicksand.

Traveling through a portal can be time-consuming. Make sure you eat before you take off. Transporting on a full stomach also adds to the motion sickness you’ll want to take full advantage of.

Once you’re ready to go, it’s then time locate a portal near you. To find one, you must go to places where evil resides, such as haunted houses, spooky graveyards, pumpkin patches and, of course, dental offices (no offense to dentists who are easy on the gums and the wallet).

When you're finally in the right place, follow your senses to where the air is cold, thick and deathly still. Then wait until midnight and when you see the orange light, you must go toward it.

Then hold on for dear life (or death) and enjoy your trip. Hopefully you survive. The real danger comes later.