Downtown Transyl-vein-ia ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- no beauty, just beasts

By M. Night Shuritssafealone

Staff Scream Streets Writer

From natural wonders and majestic architecture, to breathtaking sunsets and calming beaches, Downtown Transyl-vein-ia has none of that. But it’ll scare you into an early grave.

Downtown is a great place to go if you want to rest . . . in peace.

According to studies, 51 percent of world travelers will read work-related emails while on vacation, and one in four will respond to work-related text messages.

In Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, you don’t have to be told to unplug. You’ll forget you even own an electronic device when the area’s beasts and boogiemen start coming after you. If you don’t get on the move, you’ll be on the menu.

Let’s start at the dilapidated CaAaaaahhhhh!r Factory. That’s right, the manufacturer behind such evil wheelers as Christine, the blood red 1958 Plymouth Fury with a furious temper, and Duel, the Peterbilt “Needlenose” model 281 with a severe case of road rage.

The CaAaaaahhhhh!r Factory may not seem like a peaceful setting when you arrive, but something coming off the assembly line is guaranteed to put you down in no time.

However, if you really want to chill, then head over to Chillboard Magazine in Times Scare between the Transyl-vein-ia Times Building and the Pumpkin Publishing House. Chillboard isn’t just where Transyl-vein-ia’s top music journalists work, but it’s also home to one of the biggest collections of famous rot-n-roll memorabilia.

There you’ll find personal items and collectibles from your favorite artists like The Witches, who recorded their famous “Witches Cackling” on the No. 1 best-selling album of 1666, “Scary Sound FX and More.” Check out the actual steel sheets that were shaken to make “Thunderstorms” on the “Spooky Sounds of Halloween” record. And poke a gander at the actual bodies that were stabbed to create sounds of knives entering a watermelon in “Psycho Sounds.” The real chills will come later in the tour, but we’ll leave that for you to discover on your own.

Maybe all that doesn’t seem relaxing to you. Some folks claim they find serenity in nature’s wonderland. The closest thing to nature in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia is the Flower Plant on Vein Street.

The Plant, as locals know it, is home to all species of flesh-eating plants and shrubbery. Audrey II, who found fame in the human world with “Little Shop of Horrors,” can trace his roots back to the Plant. If you head over now, you’ll quickly find those roots all over you.

Yes, Downtown Transyl-vein-ia is the place to go to unplug, unwind and run for your life. If you survive to escape, you’ll no sooner than later be laid back, as they say. And isn’t that what you’re after, after all?

Needless to say, you’ll want to catch your breath before checking out what’s heating up in the bordering Mad Science District.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.