Transyl-vein-ia Hills ‘Hidden Harms’-- dark secrets in this picturesque nightmare

By Cookie Cuttre

Staff ‘burbs Writer

Behind the gates is the perfect town, the perfect race, the perfect terror . . .

Just check out the exclusive Transyl-vein-ia Pines, a gated community in Transyl-vein-ia Hills where some of your favorite monsters live.

Dracula has a home there, as does Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Invisible Man . . . Sure, they each have homes in their native districts, but exclusive Transyl-vein-ia Pines is where they go to live the good life. And it’s where they go to play.

If you can get past the guards at the gate (they’re zombies, so just bring along some fresh corpses or brains to keep them busy while you pass), you can see how the upper echelon lives.

Start at the exclusive Transyl-vein-ia Pines Country Club. On any given night, you’ll find Frankenstein’s Bride playing golf, Mole Men playing in the wicked sand traps, the wicked giant sand worms playing with the Mole Men (winner eats all) and Godzilla cooling off in the pond -- the entire pond.

A tour of these famous monsters’ homes is something that can’t be missed. Many live in the popular ranch-style homes, characterized by their decorative rotted woodwork trim, cracked windows with diamond panes and shutters, mock rooftop dino-birdhouses, termite-infested wood shake roofs, faux-brick chimneys and garage doors detailed like barn doors. Some of these homes actually have entire garages in the shape of barns with real mutant barnyard animals inside.

Several famous monsters, like Medusa and her two gorgon sisters, live in the more modern homes in the neighboring housing tract. These residences are basically the same floor plans as the ranch-style homes with a façade change. Although, the Gorgon Sisters’ homes are all turned to stone, along with the men that have come to visit over the years, the majority of the structures in this tract have cleaner lines and rock roofs, and are more economical and much less embellished versions of the ranch-style places.

If you hang out in the exclusive Transyl-vein-ia Pines area long enough, you might catch a block party, which monsters like to host and ghost regularly. In the Pines, the monsters all know each other. It’s the type of community where, if someone/thing is out of brains or eyeballs, you can simply go to your neighbor and he/she/it will lend them to you. These creatures also share the streets.

Their block parties are typically centered on the block -- one big chopping block, where more heads is better than one.

If you’re looking for more of a “pick-me-up,” escape Transyl-vein-ia Pines and head over to Owl Orchard on the other side of town. You’ll never spot the owls there, but they’ll find you and take you away. No one is quite sure where they take you (maybe up into the trees), but no one’s dared venture up there, for that is where those giant, evil owls lurk, looking down for what they can take next.

Bird Mountain is an eye-opening experience. Just look at the existing eyeless visitors, laid out wherever the birds found them. It may be the last thing you see because the birds up there have an appetite for eyeballs. Some say these winged-predators are responsible for more than half of the eyeballs used in Transyl-vein-ia Hills’ popular eyes cream recipes (no, those aren’t cherries on top).

Regardless of what you might find in Transyl-vein-ia Hills, something there will no doubt find you.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.