Staff ‘burbs Writer
Behind
the gates is the perfect town, the perfect race, the perfect terror . . .
Just
check out the exclusive Transyl-vein-ia Pines, a gated community in
Transyl-vein-ia Hills where some of your favorite monsters live.
Dracula
has a home there, as does Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Invisible Man . . .
Sure, they each have homes in their native districts, but exclusive
Transyl-vein-ia Pines is where they go to live the good life. And it’s where
they go to play.
If
you can get past the guards at the gate (they’re zombies, so just bring along
some fresh corpses or brains to keep them busy while you pass), you can see how
the upper echelon lives.
Start
at the exclusive Transyl-vein-ia Pines Country Club. On any given night, you’ll
find Frankenstein’s Bride playing golf, Mole Men playing in the wicked sand
traps, the wicked giant sand worms playing with the Mole Men (winner eats all) and
Godzilla cooling off in the pond -- the entire pond.
A
tour of these famous monsters’ homes is something that can’t be missed. Many
live in the popular ranch-style homes, characterized by their decorative rotted
woodwork trim, cracked windows with diamond panes and shutters, mock rooftop
dino-birdhouses, termite-infested wood shake roofs, faux-brick chimneys and
garage doors detailed like barn doors. Some of these homes actually have entire
garages in the shape of barns with real mutant barnyard animals inside.
Several
famous monsters, like Medusa and her two gorgon sisters, live in the more
modern homes in the neighboring housing tract. These residences are basically
the same floor plans as the ranch-style homes with a façade change. Although,
the Gorgon Sisters’ homes are all turned to stone, along with the men that have
come to visit over the years, the majority of the structures in this tract have cleaner lines
and rock roofs, and are more economical and much less embellished versions of
the ranch-style places.
If
you hang out in the exclusive Transyl-vein-ia Pines area long enough, you might
catch a block party, which monsters like to host and ghost regularly. In the
Pines, the monsters all know each other. It’s the type of community where, if
someone/thing is out of brains or eyeballs, you can simply go to your neighbor
and he/she/it will lend them to you. These creatures also share the streets.
Their
block parties are typically centered on the block -- one big chopping block,
where more heads is better than one.
If
you’re looking for more of a “pick-me-up,” escape Transyl-vein-ia Pines and
head over to Owl Orchard on the other side of town. You’ll never spot the owls
there, but they’ll find you and take you away. No one is quite sure where they
take you (maybe up into the trees), but no one’s dared venture up there, for
that is where those giant, evil owls lurk, looking down for what they can take
next.
Bird
Mountain is an eye-opening experience. Just look at the existing eyeless
visitors, laid out wherever the birds found them. It may be the last thing you
see because the birds up there have an appetite for eyeballs. Some say these
winged-predators are responsible for more than half of the eyeballs used in
Transyl-vein-ia Hills’ popular eyes cream recipes (no, those aren’t cherries on
top).
Regardless
of what you might find in Transyl-vein-ia Hills, something there will no doubt
find you.
This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.
This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.
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