Vending machine cheats witch

By Dag Nammit
Staff Hag Writer

A local Witches Meadow witch stuck a quarter into a vending machine for a fresh toad last night, and the machine didn’t dispense the fresh toad, but kept the old hag’s money anyway. The witch is now threatening to turn the proprietor of the machine into the toad she needs if he doesn’t give her a new quarter. In order to turn the proprietor into a toad, however, the witch will need a raven’s claw. The vending machine sells raven’s claws for 25 cents. The witch still needs that quarter.

Witch whacks out customer

By Gus Tomerisnotright

Staff Comm-hearse Writer

 

A customer at a witch’s market in Witches Meadows’ Wicked Forest asked for the large Potion No. 13 this evening, and the head enchantress of the place had to destroy him. She told the guy that she’d sold out of the item. “We have the small one if you’re interested,” she suggested. He proceeded to show the dimensions of the large potion bottle with his hands, and repeated that he was looking for the large No. 13. The witch said, “Yeah, we sold out of the large size.” He then told her he looped the market several times, and he just could not find the large No. 13. “That’s because we sold out,” the witch said a third time. He showed the size of the potion with his hands again. She had to kill him.

The Transylveinya 13: The Witch

The Wicked Witch

(aka The Orange Witch)

The Wicked Witch, the Wicked Witch,

opens doors to Halloween.

But on this night she’ll make you twitch,

gross as melted mellowcreme.

She’s got a crooked nose and missing teeth,

a grimy shawl with bugs beneath.

Her skin is stale like moldy meat,

her breath smells worse than stinky feet.

With warts and moles

and ratty hair,

a wandering eye

that makes you stare.

She hides behind

her big spell books,

too proud to boast

her great bad looks.

Witch tries to return Swiffer

WITCHES MEADOW -- A wicked witch created a scene this evening at her local big box store when she demanded a refund for the Swiffer Sweeper she bought over a year ago. According to the demon at the returns desk, the witch had claimed that the sweeping and mopping tool with its one-two cleaning punch didn’t do what she wanted it to do. “That guy at the counter told me all magical products had to be returned within 90 days of purchase,” the witch said. “Sure, it came with three wet mopping cloths and conformed to the surfaces of my floors, which is pretty magical, I have to admit, but there was no real magic in it. I tried flying it up, up and away at Take-Off Point and fell right off the edge of the cliff. In my mind, this thing is no magical product, and I deserve a refund, even if I bought it a year ago.” The demon still refused to refund the witch. After speaking with the store manager, the ol’ hag got more upset and asked what happened to the “customer is always right, even when they’re wrong” policy. Suffice to say, toads now run the store. In other words: The place is closed until further notice.

Retired ghoul discovers why Halloween will be ruined this year

By Calamity Janine

Staff Fun and Catastrophes Writer

BLACK LAGOON -- A ghoul living and haunting in a home on Haunted Mansion Row was busy doing nothing (because there are few to scare while most Things are in the human world preparing for the October scare-emonies) when he discovered that Halloween would, in fact, be ruined this year.

It all started when the ghoul, retiree E. Vilspirit, came across a news story in this publication regarding a time traveler who went into the future and saw the portals between the monster world and the human world closing up, leaving monsters trapped on the other side while scaring humans for Halloween.

“So I got to tinkering around with my DeLorean and some plutonium in the garage,” Vilspirit said, “and before I knew it, I was going 88 miles per hour and then lurking around in the future. Saw the whole thing. And it’s true. The portals close up. I decided to do some studies on the whole thing when I got back in time.”

Vilspirit conducted a series of experiments and, in a matter of weeks, found the cause for the permanent closing of the portals.

“You’d think it was some complicated wizard’s spell or witch’s curse put on the monster world and the portals,” Vilspirit said. “It’s not. President Count Dracula’s mandated blood misters throughout Transyl-vein-ia is the problem. The fake blood he’s using is polluting our smog and has -- pardon the technical jargon -- ‘messed’ with the witch magic that makes the portals possible.”

According to Witches Meadow portal officials, who are responsible for the portals opening and closing, Vilspirit did what no one else cared to do, which was to look into a cause of the suspected closing of the portals. Monsters are calling him a hero and a montseritarian for his discoveries.

When asked what he planned to do to fix the problem, Vilspirit said, “Nothing. I’m retired.”

What a ghoulish, evil monster.

Witch Stew perfect for Sunday supper

By a witch

Contributor to the JLP

Remember cold, dank Sunday nights in the meadow back home, sitting around the cauldron for some good old-fashioned witch stew and maybe a little witchcraft, too?

Well, have all kinds of fear, we’ve got the perfect recipe for you right here:

INGREDIENTS:

1 jar crushed ancient bones (or 2.2-ounce box of beefy onion soup mix – 2 envelopes)

1 3½-pound possum, with all the fat (or beef rump roast, trimmed of fat)

2 pounds small dragon claws (or small red potatoes), scrubbed and halved

3 large rat tails (or carrots), peeled and sliced

2 goblin ribs (or celery ribs), sliced

7 toads (or garlic cloves), minced

½ teaspoon magic pepper (or garlic pepper)

2 teaspoons dried poison sumac leaves (or dried thyme leaves)

1 poison hemlock leaflet (or bay leaf)

1½ cups of vampire bat blood (or zinfandel or other fruity red wine)

14½ ounces of witches broth (or a can of beef broth)

¼ cup corpse powder (or all-purpose flour)

DIRECTIONS:

Place the contents of the crushed ancient bones (dry soup mix envelopes) into a small evil spell dish (baking dish). Add the possum (roast) to the dish and rub or pat the ancient bones (soup mix) all over it.

In cauldron (or 5-quart electric slow cooker/crock pot), place half each of the dragon claws (potatoes), rat tails (carrots), goblin ribs (celery) and toads (garlic). Season with half each of the magic pepper (garlic pepper) and poison sumac (thyme). Tuck the poison hemlock (bay leaf) into dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables).

Mix together 1 cup of the vampire bat blood (wine) and the broth. Pour into the cauldron (slow cooker). Add the possum (roast) and scrape any crushed ancient bones (dry soup mix) left in the evil spell dish (baking dish) on top. Cover the meat with the remaining dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables), toads (garlic), magic pepper (garlic pepper) and poison sumac (thyme).

Cover and cook on low flame (low heat setting) for 9 to 10 hours (or until the meat is tender), then cackle a lot and chant the following spell:

“Possum, dragon claws, rat tails, too,

“Mix with goblin ribs for the stew.

“Toads, magic pepper and poisonous leaves,

“A bad juicy bat from a castle’s eaves.

“Dark spirits and demons, come from the grave,

“Awaken your evil friends, and let’s all misbehave.”

Remove the meat to a warm serving platter. Remove and discard the poison hemlock (bay leaf). Scoop out the dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables) and slotted spoon and scatter them over and around the possum (roast). Cover with foil and keep warm.

Pour the juices from the cauldron (slow cooker) into a medium saucepan and bring to a boil on top of a semi-roaring fire (or stove over medium-high heat). Whisk together the remaining ½ cup vampire bat blood (wine) and the corpse powder (flour) until well blended. Stir all that into the juices in the saucepan and cook, stirring constantly, until the gravy thickens and the corpse powder (flour) has lost its raw taste (should take about 3 to 5 minutes).

Dump the gravy over the meat and dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables), chant that spell some more, then wait for the armies of the dead to show up and serve.

Witches Meadow ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- something wicked this way can be humdrum

By Witch Wayryougonnago

Staff Black Magic Writer

You work hard for your vacation days, and you deserve a little R & R.I.P. With that in mind, Witches Meadow offers some serene locales and leisurely activities so you can hang noose.

The scent of burning flesh, the sound of victims screaming in agony, the sight of bats coming toward you with extended fangs, the feel of scorpions snapping their stingers at your feet while you sleep -- is there any need to go on?

If you’re looking to take it easy, then Coven Creek in Witches Meadow might be just what you need. You can spend the day fishing for that mystery catch or you can lie out on Poison Ivy Shore for a green tan.

Those who are able to stay put on the creek for a couple hours are lucky if they can move afterward. Though, some guests can’t go straight from the hustle and bustle of traveling to rest and relaxation, so they need something to ease them into serenity.

Go see Elixir Witch right there on the creek. She’ll fix you up with a cocktail that’ll make you feel as uncaring and sluggish as a sloth or a lemur. The good news is you might also look like a sloth or a lemur, except that might attract predators from the woods or water. These monsters won’t stop until they devour you whole, which kinda defeats the purpose of relaxation.

Why not head over to Full Moon Ridge instead? Enjoy spectacular views up there. You’ll have great angles on witches flying by the moon overhead and on the Burning Stakes down below where witches go to get cozy. On clear nights, you can even see your future across the valley in Magic Pond. But up there on Full Moon Ridge, there’s always the chance you’ll run into werewolves. Yes, lycanthropes do wander into these parts. And they won’t stop until they devour you whole. Again, kinda defeats the purpose of relaxation.

So check out the Mud Pits. Mud baths are always good for relieving tension in your body. The deep heat from the mud and geothermal waters have amazing anti-inflammatory properties. Mud baths also detoxify your body and soften your skin. And they’re so calming. However, the Mud Pits aren’t ideal for mud bathing. The mud monsters there are always looking for little treats, and you might fit that bill.

Maybe relaxation isn’t Witches Willow’s forte, in which case you might be better off skipping peace and tranquility and moving on to something more thrilling.

Check back here tomorrow for some hot things to do in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Witches Meadow ‘Hidden Harms’ -- the black cat is let out of the bag

By Witch Wayryougonnago
Staff Black Magic Writer

Among the top things to do in Witches Meadow, many are quite difficult to find. But if you take the time to look, these hidden charms can actually be quite harmful and make for a more enjoyable visit.

Forget what you think you know about this witches haven: witch hats, black cats and flying broomsticks. Witches Meadow is quite a diverse Transyl-vein-ian district of sophistication and hidden appeal, where a varied population enjoys world-class art, unbeatable restaurants and historical landmarks that celebrate and honor amazing witches who burned at the stake.

One thing that many tourists miss when they visit Witches Meadow is the Witch House Tour in Wicked Forest. That’s because the tour isn’t highly publicized. In fact, you’re not really welcomed. And that’s the joy of it all. Go down the wrong trail and you’ll inevitably run into scalpers. If you can get tour tickets with your head intact, you’ll find that you can get quite the deal.

You’ll tour witch houses of all shapes, sizes and calibers of evil. The Forest Witch lives in a cozy little cottage where you can interface with her deadly spider horde. The Mountain Witch at the end of Wicked Forest will invite you into her castle and allow you to toy around with her chamber of terrors. Most don’t survive.

The tour of over 300 dwellings can take anywhere from a couple hours to a lifetime, so pack accordingly.

The art community in Witches Meadow thrives. Deep in the heart of Wicked Forest you may stumble upon the Witch Arts and Witch Crafts Fair for the little ones and full-grown monsters alike. There you’ll also find regular performances of Shakesfear in the Dark. Be sure to see the production of “Greenface,” which tends to turn off some witches for its stereotypical depiction of happy-go-unlucky enchantresses, so heed the warning.

For those of you who checked out Witch Way Caves and were unlucky enough to find a way out, follow the exit trail down into the valley below. There you’ll find the Burning Stakes. To some this may seem like a happy place. After all, this is where many witches were immortalized in the lore of the land. But it can also be quite somber. So yeah, it is a happy place where you’ll want to spend some time.

If you get hungry while at The Stakes, stop by the nearby Black Cauldron Café for a cup of stew. It’s a local favorite in Transyl-vein-ia and the hardest to find. And if you’re still breathing after a cup, you too might be hard to find. So let your loved ones know where you’re going if you wish to ever reunite.

You may wish for other such misfortune, and if that’s the case, take a stroll down the narrow path on the east side of the café. Go through Lizard Patch, cross Busted Bridge over one of the deepest and deadliest gorges in the country, and meander into Thorn Thicket. At the other end you’ll come across the Wishing Not-So-Well. There you can wish all the terror on others you’d like. It’s a hoot.

And if you like to laugh, head on down the Wishing-Not-So-Well Trail back toward Spell Willows and, just before you cross over, you’ll see a little cottage at the south corner. That’s the Hooked Nose Cackle Factory, where witches have been performing stand-up for over 200 years. It’s been recognized as the No. 1 comedy club in Transyl-vein-ia by such high-profile media as Jack-o’-Lantern Press. Comedy’s top cackle bringers, as well as today’s darkest emerging talent, die on its legendary stage every night.

All this will make for quite the time. But for more relaxing activities, check back with us tomorrow as we explore the area’s more “deceaseful settings.”

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Witches Meadow 'Rot Spots' -- among the top things toad do in Transyl-vein-ia

By Witch Wayryougonnago

Staff Black Magic Writer

Witches Meadow is your gateway to Transyl-vein-ia. Literally.

Most portal travelers to Transyl-vein-ia will find themselves at Spell Willows in Witches Meadow first because that’s where covens of witches, during the Witching Hour season (August through September), open the portals.

Upon your arrival, you’ll find yourself in the middle of the big Witching Hour festival. Monsters will be lining up in the world-famous Black Cauldron Encampment to go into the human world for Halloween time. So show up ready to have fun.

Experience true Witches Meadow hospitality when you’re ushered into one of the many soothing, boiling cauldrons used to cast spells and what-have-you on those visiting. You’ll be greeted with a cliché but honest-to-goodness “We’d love to have you for dinner.” Do yourself a favor: Accept the invitation.

If you survive that, there are plenty of other ways to meet your doom in this first of 13 districts in Transyl-vein-ia.

Once you take in the sights and screams of the festival, with its spells and witchy mayhem, allow yourself some time to get something to eat. You won’t find better crawdads anywhere else. These things are actually still glowing when they’re served to you at your table right there on Coven Creek.

Explore the legendary Witch Way Caves. Considered the area’s best way to get lost for good, the 22 miles of trails through an underground network of caves just off the festival grounds has tunnels that lead nowhere, some that cave in and others with creatures that have yet to be identified.

Shop at the Witches Market in Wicked Forest. This is a highlight for bargain hunters, and just a quick boat ride down the creek from Spell Willows with Charon the Ferryman. Among the usual places to pick up toads, rats and black cats, you’ll find vendors offering spell books, magic eyes that tell the future and flying brooms in various colors, sizes and trim packages with 20 to 60 percent off the retail price.

While in Wicked Forest, you can explore the homes of several different witches, some in huts, some in castles up the mountain. All witches have open houses, open hearts and open spell books to use on you.

Go up the mountain and take in the breathtaking views at Take-Off Point. Gorgeous, unique and especially terrifying, few activities compare to trying your luck on broomsticks that may or may not take you up, up and away.

If you find yourself down in the gorge, which most do after visiting Take-Off Point, you can try your luck again in Black Cat Corner.

Or hang out at the Hanging Tree.

But the highlight of a visit to Witches Meadow is the Snake Pit. Monsters come from all over to try this life-changing, most times life-ending experience. Conquer your fears. Dive headfirst into the pit and take on some of the largest pythons in any world. In over 200 years, the Pit has not had one safe jump . . . And counting.

For some rare things to see and do while in Witches Meadow, check back with us tomorrow as we explore the area’s “hidden harms.”

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Wicked Witch has wardrobe malfunction during Witching Hour last night

By Vin “Skull” Eek

Staff Spooks Writer

The Wicked Witch of the North set off a Witching Hour firestorm last night at the annual Witching Hour festival in Spell Willows when her right breast was bared during the nationally televised opening ceremonies, which she performed with the wicked witches of the south, east and west.

The northern oldie was casting her big spell at about 12:10 a.m. in the Black Cauldron Encampment so that she and her sisters could transport monsters out of our dimension and into the human world for the Halloween season when she tossed a toad into her cauldron and lost her gown in a whirlwind of fiery witch magic. She later apologized for the incident and laid blame on her gown designer, Edith Headless.

“No, this was not an attempt to gain attention in the media,” North said. “It was a wardrobe malfunction.”

The Witching Hour festival began at around 11:30 last night when North and the other witches opened the portals to the human world. At midnight, they began casting spells around their cauldrons and were inviting The Original Mummy up to the main portal for the ceremonial first transportation.

“I haven’t been out haunting the human world since the Halloween season of ‘86,” Original said as he approached the portal. “Thank you all for giving me the first transportation. I’ll see you on the other side.”

That’s when North tossed that warty toad into her brew and her gown fell to the ground. Even mass mutilators, whom you’d think have seen it all, were shielding their eyes in great pain.

“I got nothing against North,” said a slasher psycho who wished to remain anonymous, “but she’s over three-hundred years old. Nothing can prepare you for what we saw. Nothing.”

North got the gown back on quickly, but the split–second exposure, witnessed by up to 100 million viewers, including those who were watching on their TV sets from their castles, tombs and haunted mansions, was enough to cause uproar.

“Ouwwww!” cried a pack of werewolves who were waiting their turn to be transported last night. But most monsters that witnessed the unveiling were upset. The Transyl-vein-ia TV switchboard was flooded with angry calls.

“I am outraged at the opening ceremonies of the Witching Hour,” one mother of several vampires wrote. “There was no warning whatsoever that it may not be appropriate for children who haven’t even see bare necks yet. I’m still feeding my babies their blood from a bottle.”

After a bit of chaos, the Witching Hour ceremonies eventually continued, the Original Mummy was sent off to the Human world, and other monsters were quick to follow.

North said she’d address the matter by turning her gown designer into a bug. Transyl-vein-ia TV officials said they’d put live presentations on a delay next time so that they’d have a chance to black out the broadcast if something like that were to happen again.

The festival will continue throughout the week as a record number of monsters are expected to travel to the human dimension to scare people for this Halloween season.