Retired ghoul discovers why Halloween will be ruined this year

By Calamity Janine

Staff Fun and Catastrophes Writer

BLACK LAGOON -- A ghoul living and haunting in a home on Haunted Mansion Row was busy doing nothing (because there are few to scare while most Things are in the human world preparing for the October scare-emonies) when he discovered that Halloween would, in fact, be ruined this year.

It all started when the ghoul, retiree E. Vilspirit, came across a news story in this publication regarding a time traveler who went into the future and saw the portals between the monster world and the human world closing up, leaving monsters trapped on the other side while scaring humans for Halloween.

“So I got to tinkering around with my DeLorean and some plutonium in the garage,” Vilspirit said, “and before I knew it, I was going 88 miles per hour and then lurking around in the future. Saw the whole thing. And it’s true. The portals close up. I decided to do some studies on the whole thing when I got back in time.”

Vilspirit conducted a series of experiments and, in a matter of weeks, found the cause for the permanent closing of the portals.

“You’d think it was some complicated wizard’s spell or witch’s curse put on the monster world and the portals,” Vilspirit said. “It’s not. President Count Dracula’s mandated blood misters throughout Transyl-vein-ia is the problem. The fake blood he’s using is polluting our smog and has -- pardon the technical jargon -- ‘messed’ with the witch magic that makes the portals possible.”

According to Witches Meadow portal officials, who are responsible for the portals opening and closing, Vilspirit did what no one else cared to do, which was to look into a cause of the suspected closing of the portals. Monsters are calling him a hero and a montseritarian for his discoveries.

When asked what he planned to do to fix the problem, Vilspirit said, “Nothing. I’m retired.”

What a ghoulish, evil monster.