By Tak Metoyorleedr
Staff Unidentifieds Writer
UFO
SPRINGS -- Some demons on their way through town yesterday swung by the Crop Stop
Sandwich and Salad Shop in Podtown and began flinging flames at the
extraterrestrials behind the counter and in line when they didn’t receive the
customer service they felt they deserved.
After
a weekend of partying at a blues festival in the Black Lagoon, where the
popular Spooks of Dixieland cancelled their act due to one of the members
coming down with a cold, the demons reportedly came into the place with three-pronged
forks to grind.
“They
were mean right when they came through the door,” said a reptiloid eating in
the restaurant at the time the demons arrived. “It wasn’t the normal meanness
you’d expect from a demon. It was something else. They were just inconsiderate
buttholes.”
According
to a number of patrons, the evil beasts tracked soot into the establishment
when they came in, they snatched up more than their fair share of napkins -- not
leaving much left for anyone else -- they melted the condiment table, and they were
rude to the humanoid taking their orders behind the counter.
“They
came in all entitled or something, like we all owed them something because they
paid to see the Spooks of Dixieland over the weekend and didn’t get to see them
and didn’t get a refund either,” said the humanoid behind the counter, who
wishes to remain the anonymous human she was replicating at the time this all
went down. “They weren’t ready to order, they held up the line, and then they
wanted all these special substitutions.”
One
customer caught most of the ordeal in a recording on his phone.
In
the video, the demons are seen coming into the sandwich shop in a hurry. Then
they cut in line, only to stop to figure out what they’re going to order. The
lead demon takes out his smartphone and speaks into it:
“Hey,
Siri, call Satan . . . Yo, Sate, we’re picking up salads. Want anything? . . .
Uh huh . . . Italian chopped . . . Fat-free dressing . . . OK. Extra onion . .
. No garbanzo beans . . . Add sprouts instead . . . K. Anything to drink? . . .
Diet Dr. Pepper with no ice . . . Got it. See you in ten . . . Huh? . . . Yeah,
it kinda sucked. Spooks of Dixieland cancelled . . . No, we’re in line now . .
. They can wait, we’re regular customers here, so we’re good for it . . . Ha
ha. Yeah . . .”
The
call goes on for another five minutes before the demon hangs up and finishes
his order, which includes a bunch of complicated substitutions and ridiculous
special “off-the-menu” requests. Then their salads come out and one of the
demons notices that they don’t have deviled eggs in them. That’s when, in the
video, all hell breaks loose.
The
recording ended there. But eyewitnesses said the lead demon complained to the
employee that took the order, claiming he specifically asked for deviled eggs,
even though everyone else stated no such request was made. The demon demanded
to speak to the employee’s supervisor, threatening to contact corporate about
her horrible customer service, and kept repeating how he and his demon pals were
regular customers “since forever” and deserved respect.
The
employee’s supervisor came out and asked the demon clan what had happened.
“What
happened is your employee is calling me a liar,” the lead demon reportedly said.
“I asked for deviled eggs on all our salads, and none of us got a one. And your
employee here is calling me a liar, saying I never asked for deviled eggs like
I said I did. Hasn’t she ever heard of ‘The customer is always right’?”
“We
don’t go in for that policy here,” the supervisor said. “What’s right is right
and what’s wrong is wrong. And just because you’re an idiot and forgot to order
deviled eggs doesn’t mean you have to get all stupid.”
“We’re
demons,” the demon said. “Of course we want deviled eggs.”
“And
we’re aliens,” the supervisor said. “Just because we can read your minds,
doesn’t mean we’re gonna give you what you’re thinking you want. We go by what
you actually order.”
“You
know what?” the lead demon said. “Now I want all these salads on the house.
Take me to your leader.”
“That’s
my line,” the supervisor replied. “I’m supposed to be the one asking to be
taken to your leader.”
After
a few more minutes of arguing, the supervisor decided to simply melt the
demon’s mind with her thoughts.
The
other demons got real defensive and began lighting the place on fire with their
fingers. The small eatery went into flames, causing a s’mores eruption as the
marshmallow-like aliens in the restaurant caught fire, proving once and for all
that their skin does, in fact, consist of a soft sugary substance.
Before
the demons could get away with their salads without paying, the store’s loss
prevention employee, a xenomorph queen, caught them at the door and opened up a
can of whoop ass on them.
The
demons were later abducted by other aliens out front and detained for
questioning in a UFO, only to be bailed out by Satan an hour later.
According
to a representative of Satan, the fallen angel is embarrassed for the way his
underlings behaved and allegedly apologized for all demonkind. The
representative then begged to let his boss pay for damages to the store and
promised to punish the demon clan as only Satan can punish those who deserve
it.
The
Crop Stop Sandwich and Salad Shop will be back open for business in two weeks.
Until then, you can satisfy your sandwich and salad needs over at Little Green
Men’s Leafy Greens Stand down the street.
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