Werewolves and chupacabras — best of both worlds?

By Michael Picarella Staff ‘Human World’ Columnist

Happy Cinco de Mayo! And a merry Full Moon!

This evening we can expect chupacabras and werewolves to be out and about, on the prowl and wreaking havoc on some human beings near you — maybe even on you. These beasties certainly have been in my thoughts the last few days.

I typically like to watch the 2013 “classic” made-for-TV movie “Chupacabra vs. the Alamo” on this day each May, but as the full moon was drawing closer this week, I dug into a new book that’s now got me stuck on werewolves. Ronald Kelly’s “Undertaker’s Moon,” which has been described as a graveyard feast under the summer moon about a rural Tennessee town facing a hellish lycanthrope from ancient Ireland, has sunk its teeth into me. While reading it, I’ve also been taking in a few full moon classics on Shudder.

As of this writing, the horror streaming service is offering various collections under the heading “Tales of the Supernatural.” One of the collections in that grouping is called “Full Moon Fever,” and there are currently 10 titles — movies and a TV series — that feature lycanthropes. In the last week alone, I’ve watched 1985’s “The Company of Wolves,” 1996’s “Bad Moon” and 2015’s “Howl.”

The latter film was a real treat. It kind of reminded me of the great zombie flick “Train to Busan,” which actually came out in 2016, a year after the release of “Howl.” “Howl” is a British horror film about the last train out of London on a dark stormy night that breaks down in a forest filled with — hint, hint — some creatures of the night that howl. I thought this film was made in response to the success of “Busan,” which is a South Korean action horror picture about passengers trapped on a train during a zombie outbreak, but it looks like “Howl” had it licked.

“Busan” is probably the better film, though “Howl” is a great, atmospheric, creepy werewolf tale with some grisly lycanthropes and lycanthrope action that you shouldn’t overlook.

And while I’ve been feasting on werewolves, and still wanting more, I did want to pay my respects to the goatsuckers of the world for Cinco de Mayo. Yesterday I discovered the werewolf-like chupacabra (perhaps the best of both the werewolf and chupacabra worlds) in the 2022 Netflix series called “The Imperfects.” This show is about three young adults who, after an experimental gene therapy that’s turned them into a human that transforms into a chupacabra, a banshee and a succubus, band together and hunt down the scientist responsible.

Perhaps “The Imperfects” is a bit too flashy, even for me — I love excessive style. Maybe it’s just too loud, too noisy. It’s a very cool idea, and I loved the monsters, especially the chupacabra. It could just be that the execution didn’t work for me. Or maybe I didn’t want to follow these characters. But after one episode, I haven’t been itching to watch another one. I hate to write that. Hey, the urge to jump back into the series might strike at midnight. 

Until then, however, I’m chomping at the bit to read more of “Undertaker’s Moon.” I’m reaching the halfway point in the novel, and as of now, I’m highly recommending it, for what that’s worth. Order the book on author Ronald Kelly’s website, and he’ll sign your book with an illustration. Totally digging what he put in mine ...

Now, if you must go out tonight to celebrate the full moon or Mexico’s 1862 victory over the Second French Empire, please watch for beasties. Track werewolves who may be near you with the Werewolf Locator app. As for tracking chupacabra, you’re out of luck there. I recommend brute force — strong blows to the creature’s noggin and hard kicks to the chest.

Firing squad forgets to use silver bullets on werewolf

By Stu Pidd

Staff Birdbrain Writer

 

An entire Valley of Doom firing squad won’t go before another firing squad for not using silver bullets on their werewolf prisoner. The werewolf ate them.

‘Transylveinya Traveler’ is here!

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

TRANSYLVEINYA -- Finally, that trip you’ve been planning to the monster homeland can be attained by securing your very own copy of “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

Click HERE to purchase. And don’t forget to rate with five stars and add rave reviews with lots of big, fancy words.

Todd Durham, creator of “Hotel Transylvania,” calls the book “monsterlicious!”

Jack Perez, director of “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus,” “Monster Island” and “Some Guy Who Kills People,” is equally excited.

“I’ve dealt with giant sharks, mutated insects and decapitation-happy psychopaths, but I didn’t know anything until I read this book,” he said. “It’s the ultimate tour of our monster-happy universe.”

Monsters everywhere received news of the book’s release early this morning, and left their tombs, haunted houses, castles, labs and swamps to grab a copy. They’ll soon be at your doorstep to haunt you until you get yours.

And while you wait for the book to arrive and for your mail carrier to navigate your deadly, piranha-infested moat out front, check out the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast from the creators of the guide.

To listen on Apple Podcasts, click HERE.

Spotify users, direct your mice to THIS and click.

The Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast is also available on other platforms as well. Just search it. And prepare to be blown away because JackoLanternPress.com creators, Michael Picarella and Tom Picarella, really know what they’re doing.

Now why are you still reading this post? Go on over HERE and get the book already. Sheesh!

Gorgon pushed into Ghost Pond

BLACK LAGOON -- This evening, someone pushed a gorgon into the Ghost Pond, where living things go if they want to become spirits. Folks have been lining up for weeks at the edge of the towering cliff above, and diving into the pond below, whereupon impact, they instantly transform into apparitions. “I was happy as a terrifying woman with snakes in my hair and the curse to turn beings into stone,” said the gorgon. “I didn’t want to become a ghost. I just wanted to see what everyone was doing up there above that pond. It's a shame, because now no one will ever see me again.” Eyewitnesses said a skeleton pushed the gorgon off the cliff for laughs. The snake woman screamed in agony all the way down, unlike most others who hoot and howl for joy or go in with a triple somersault as one last hurrah before turning in their heartbeats for ghost sheets. A proud werewolf monitoring the lines on the cliff saw the scuffle and dove in after the gorgon to save her life. He realized his mistake just before hitting the mystical waters.

Letters from the Lab: Werewolf pet project gonna have to wait

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- I got back to the lab yesterday, tired.

Some mad scientists get to spend their entire days trying to take over the world. I work a day job.

It all started a few weeks ago, when the wife and I were going through our finances and we noticed, as of late, that we’d been spending far too much money on robot armies, magnifying rays and, of course, more books -- every lab needs an unhealthy supply of books.

So I decided to get a job over at Evil-more Shopping Mart down on Doom Drive. Yesterday, it was one of those coupon days at the store and the place was packed with mad men and women coming in for price adjustments on brains, body parts, corpses . . . You mame it. Needless to say, I had my share of exposure to imbeciles for a while, even though I’m due back at the place five days of the week, every week for the time being.

Anyway, I got home from work, and the wife called and asked to pick up the kid from mad scientist school and take him to grave-robbing practice. Then she told me she was running late due to traffic on the moving sidewalk, and she wanted to know if I could make dinner, too.

I heated up some leftover chemical creations I’d scienced up over the weekend, and by the time I’d picked up the kid, the wife got home and we’d all had dinner, I was too tired to tinker with my little pet project in the basement. The guy I had tied up down there turned into a werewolf -- because it was a full moon last night -- and even though I had him hooked up to the machines and everything, I just didn’t feel like going through the whole process of transferring his lycanthrope energy over to the man-made monster I’ve been working on here and there for the past six months.

I ended up staying upstairs in my favorite chair in my study, falling asleep listening to episode after episode of this serialized murder-mystery podcast I recently discovered.

Tonight, there’s another full moon out. But it was also another coupon day at the store, another day of price adjustments and imbeciles, another night of picking up the kid, dropping off the kid and making dinner, and another night that that werewolf in my basement is gonna go through his transformation hooked up to all those machines again, and my man-made monster project’s gonna have to wait yet again, probably till the next full moon. I’ve just gotta say that this podcast I’m listening to is really gettin’ good!

Werewolf walker for hire

FOR HIRE -- Born and raised in Transylveinya Hills, now a student learning to haunt at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Werewolf ticked with his doctor

WEREWOLFTOWN -- A  werewolf was more than fired up with his doctor after going through a mess of side effects from medications he’d prescribed. During a recent transformation, John T. Wolf, only 32, noticed his fur coat was thinning, and so he went to a big city doctor in Downtown Transylveinya to see what was wrong. Doctor Q. Wack, according to Wolf, gave him a prescription, and within a few days, he was fully covered in werewolf hair, face and all. However, Wolf noticed several side effects, including dizziness, blood in his urine and a severe lack of appetite, which is no good in his line of work. “I didn’t even crave my prey each night,” the werewolf said. “One night on the moors I ate a few berries off trees. Try explaining that to your friends when they’re downing some poor helpless fellow. I had to go back to that doctor and get something else.” But an alternative medication had side effects as well, including shakiness and unsteady walk, chest pain, anxiety and bladder trouble. After going through two more medications with other unique side effects, Wolf finally lashed out at Dr. Wack, cutting him short of his co-pay and taking a big bite out of the incompetent fool, giving him the werewolf’s curse and the additional curse of thinning hair. When Wolf tried to push all those medications back on his doc, the medical professional told him he wouldn’t take that stuff if his own doctor prescribed them to him. So if you see two balding werewolves out on the town, please, do them a favor and tell them there’s a new supplement called Essential Gold Standard Platinum Pro X2000 Trans4m (not a drug) that works even better than all that medication. The only side effects are possible changes in kidney and liver functions, cold sweats, crying and loss of teeth. But those wolves will have healthy manes. (You have to have issues if you read this whole story.)

Fortune-telling tent and werewolf attack attraction re-opens in Gypsy Village

By Ontha Muuv

Staff Gypsy

WEREWOLFTOWN -- Maleva’s once popular fortune-telling tent in the Gypsy Village, which had previously shut down decades ago following the death of the old gypsy woman’s son (who was a werewolf and died at the hands of a customer with a silver-headed wolf’s head cane), has re-opened its flaps for business.

The attraction offers paying guests a look at their futures. And then you’re chased out of the village and into the woods, at which point you get to experience a final showdown with not one, but three werewolves.

“My son used to do all the werewolfing on his own,” Maleva told reporters yesterday evening before opening the tent for the first time in over 70 years. “When he died, I knew I’d never replace him. He put the werewolf’s curse on so many guests with such style. I finally decided to open up the tent again, offer fortune telling, and I thought about having two lycanthropes chase down guests just to compete with my son’s numbers. After doing the math, I realized three was the magic number.”

In Werewolftown, the wolf bane is always in bloom, and the moon is always full and bright.

We’re Always Open, the sign reads in front of the gypsy tent.

So step right up and see your future. And then get mauled by werewolves. It’s in the cards.

Werewolf wins lottery, shreds reward

By Kim Karslashian

Staff Slice & Dice Writer

WEREWOLFTOWN -- A werewolf won the $200 million jackpot last night. He shredded the rewards.

“I’m a werewolf,” the werewolf said. “I don’t care about winning or losing. I don’t care about money. I don’t care.”

The lycanthrope said he didn’t even want to buy a scratcher in the first place, though he didn’t mind scratching up a few customers on the way into the Drooling Wolf Liquorice store on Monday for some black licorice, a soda and the clerk. Somehow, in the process, he ended up with the winning ticket.

“I really, honestly don’t care,” the werewolf insisted.

To prove it, he sliced up the cash he won along with the folks who gave him the winnings.

“Money does me no good,” he added. “Whatever I want, I just take. So, yeah, I don’t care.”

When asked if he minded taking a photograph for this story, the werewolf said he didn’t care. Midway into his pose for the pic, he altered course and lunged at the photographer and ate him and the camera. He seemed pleased with his actions.

“I care,” the werewolf said, “When it comes to my work, I have great affection and concern for the craft.”

The werewolf howled at the moon and took off for a bite to eat at the Livestock Café. He said something about having a craving for waiter.

Werewolves respond to recent disasters, and it’s not pleasant

By Calamity Janine

Staff Fun and Catastrophes Writer

WEREWOLFTOWN -- New evidence shows that portals between the human world and the monster world will, in fact, close on Halloween night, just as a mad scientist predicted after traveling into the future and seeing it with his own eyes. Monsters that travel into the human world to terrorize people on Halloween will most definitely be locked out of the monster world, leaving them stranded in the human world forever.

President Count Dracula is adding to the current state of woes by forcing Transyl-vein-ia districts to install blood misters in all patios and outdoor areas, with Werewolftown next in line. The misters have made gigantic messes, depleted precious resources -- much of which has just evaporated into the earth -- and the blood mist itself in the air is beginning to cause problems with the environment, making it difficult for some monsters to breathe and screech and howl and moan and groan.

“I went to jump out at someone the other night, and I slipped on the bloodied ground and was more like a joke than a scare,” said Jen Tacles, a street-walking octopus from Downtown Transyl-vein-ia. “I couldn’t even roar. My lungs were so full of that sticky blood mist. It’s ruining everything.”

Officials Downtown confirmed the 100th mist-related scare misfortune last night as local leaders have been taking their arguments to President Dracula in the Fright House. Mad scientists, who are looking into the portal situation, have claimed that none of the issues with the misters are going to matter soon because, once the portals between the human world and the monster world close, Halloween magic will be trapped on the other side of the gateway, and monsters will slowly begin to die, and not in the fun way.

“Halloween magic is what keeps us all going,” said the Wrathful Scientist, who’s been working on a Halloween magic substitute. “If we don’t come up with some kind of alternative, we’re next on the extinction list.”

All this news hit Werewolftown last night when gypsies from the Gypsy Village held a panic protest in Werewolf Run Square late last night.

“The vampires aren’t doing a thing about what’s going on, the witches have been silent and the mad scientists usually fail at whatever they do, so we’re hoping to get the werewolves involved,” said a gypsy woman named Maleva, who was leading the protest last night under heavy blood mist from the newly installed blood misters. “When a werewolf wants the jugular, a werewolf gets the jugular. When a werewolf wants the moon, he or she will howl at that thing until it goes away. Eventually, it always does. Werewolves make it happen.”

It’s true. Werewolves never give up. If it’s a cure they’re looking for, which is rare these days, they scour the Earth to find the beast that infected them with the curse. If they’re battling other monsters, crumbling castle walls won’t ever stop them. They can’t die. They’re determined. They keep going and going and going . . .

“To tell you the truth,” said one werewolf at the Silver Bullet Pub and BEASTro last night when asked how these disasters have affected him and how he can help, “we really don’t care about blood misters or closing portals. We just keep going and going and going . . . We can’t die. So it’s really not our problem. We just really want more raw meat. And we’re always gonna get it, blood mist or shine.”

Silver Bullet Beef a cut above the rest

By Janos Skorzeny

Contributor to the JLP

WEREWOLFTOWN -- The Silver Bullet Pub and Beastro in Werewolf Run Square is known for its beef, and whether you’re dining at the world famous establishment, out in the woods or on the moors, this winning recipe is sure to satisfy your taste buds and quell your hunger.

INGREDIENTS:

1 really enormous, really gristly hunk of bloody raw meat

DIRECTIONS:

Enjoy!

*NOTE: Raw meat could contain bad bacteria and parasites. Yum!

Werewolves attack teachers, student body during first week of school

By Wolf Bane

Staff Schools Writer

WEREWOLFTOWN -- The school year at Blue Moon High began last week, and officials have already reported several incidents of bullying, fighting, stealing and at least one killing. Even a few teachers were “relieved” of their duties.

“By the looks of things,” said Principal Lupus, “this class of werewolves is shaping up to be a fantastic one, and we’re seeing a lot of great potential. Sure, we had to get rid of what looked like some promising students and a few teachers with tenure, but, hey, survival of the fittest. Come time to play our first football game this Friday against the vampires at Carpathian High, our pack will be ready to murder ‘em.”

Blue Moon administrators are making their best effort to keep this momentum up. They’ve launched a new program to promote bad behavior and ruthless attacks on one another, and there’s no room for anything less.

“We don’t want our students coming into the office on all fours and opening up to us about their feelings,” said Silvia Bullet, one of the counselors at Blue Moon. “And what you say in here doesn’t stay in here. Our job is to shred these whiners to pieces so that they don’t rub off on the more aggressive model students we have here at the school. After breaking them down to little pups in the office, we make examples of them at lunch in the quad, and let their peers finish the job or at least cause them to have a severe meltdown.”

But that hasn’t really been a problem this year so far, Bullet said. Most teen wolves, she claimed, seem to be adhering to the policies.

“Don’t misunderstand,” Lupus added. “We’ll have some occasional soft behavior, even from those who’ve signed our pro-intimidation pledge. We can’t just take a magic wand, wave it over all the students, and make every one of them behave the way we want. But we do know a wizard who can do that. He comes by with the magic wand tomorrow.”

Transyl-vein-ia Hills fillers, bits and bulletins to KILL time

Missing -- Pet devil bat, 102 years old, around 250 pounds, red scales, bloodstained razor sharp teeth, mean as hell, goes by the name of Fluffy. Call Bill at 666-1313 with info.

For Sale -- Glove with knives as fingernails. Used, but only in a few dreams. Needs sharpening. Very effective, especially on reckless teens with wild imaginations. Best offer. Will throw in red and green striped sweater if the offer’s right. Place your bids at RealNightmares.mon.

Halloween Tree Sprouts Odd Pumpkin -- A typical Halloween tree is hung with gourds of all shapes and sizes, each with a face burned through it. Hundreds of pumpkins, hundreds of grins, hundreds of flickering lights behind those grins. One such pumpkin hanging from one such tree in Transyl-vein-ia Pines grew large and round on a giant, overhanging branch, and the face that burned through the shell came in the form of a hashtag and several letters: #ThisHalloween’sGonnaBeSoLit.

Looking for Spook to Haunt House with -- Lonely, trapped in house on Stormy Night Place with plenty of unsuspecting trespassers on nightly basis. Looking for a fellow specter who also likes to moan, wander halls, play dusty old pipe organ, move candelabras and make scary noises with chains. Email Ms.LonelyButNoHeart@yaBOO.mon.

Got Web? -- Looking for more spider-webbing in your home? House deteriorator with entire life experience (three years) spinning web in structures to make rooms look more “not lived in.” Can create big expanses across large staircases in open foyers, able to catch small flying insects and people, too. Will deteriorate houses in no time for fraction of cost you’d pay a big-time Darwin’s bark spider. Call Charlotte at 666-WEBB.

Electricity Fun Fact -- The average Transyl-vein-ia Hills citizen uses just 6,000,000,000 joules of energy (approximately six bolts of lightning) every stormy night for creature creations. How much do you use?

Looking for Spook with House -- Tired of bouncing around. Wanted: Mature ghost who enjoys spooking, wandering halls, playing a dusty old organ, moving candelabras and making scary noises with chains. Hoping to settle down. Candidates must already have house you’re forced to haunt for eternity. Summons me from Hell by ringing a bell.

Werewolf Walker for Hire -- Born and raised in Transyl-vein-ia Hills, now a student at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Crow Fun Fact -- A flock of crows is known as a murder. Can someone say crow party?

Please Fund Me -- Worried about blood misters coming to town and depleting precious blood resources? Afraid portals between human world and monster world will close on Halloween, leaving you or hated ones in the human world? I’m an up-and-coming mad scientist with big, crazy ideas. Send me the money to rent space in the Mad Science District and get equipment of my own. Not one of those scientists with only goals to take over the world. Want to save it first. Donate to my page at Wilma.ThrowMeTheMoney.mon.

Project X House Needed -- Looking to throw huge rager. Big old house desired, preferably one on hilltop against full moon for witches to fly by throughout the night. Squeaking front door a must for skeletons to open creepily and wave guests in. Trees out front required so ghosts can swirl through. Multiple gables a plus for spooky owls and menacing crows to perch atop. Rusty gate that black cats can dance across. Plenty of gravestones for spirits to peek-a-BOO! out of. Should be in a peaceful neighborhood for party to disrupt. Send house pics to NextX@HooHooHaHa.com

Saliva Fun Fact -- Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water, while monster saliva boils humans.

Random Fun Fact -- Fun facts are fun.

Get ‘Gorlocked’ in Dark Woods

By The Evil Hare

Contributor to the JLP

Where are those Gorlocks going? Curiosity killed the cat. And isn’t that why you came and sat?

        

Try a poisonous apple, the Big Bad Werewolf waits for you to arrive. Follow those Gorlocks into the woods that’re alive. Then down the Fountain of Fear. Down, down, down . . . You’re sick to your stomach as you spin roun’, roun’, roun’.

        

It gets curiouser and curiouser the deeper you fall. Three blind rats and three big hogs, a wooden boy with splinters and all. The Mole Man in the Moon. Old Mother Hubbard stuck in that cupboard.

        

“Hush-a-bye, baby,” the old lady sings. On the treetop, the cradle she flings. The bough breaks, the cradle falls. Down comes baby, who gets up and calls. Not for help, but for more.

        

More, more, more. A bigger spider to sit down beside her. A grizzly bear for Goldilocks’ lair. A duckling so hideously out of sight! And Mr. McGregor’s poisonous garden—have a bite.

Through the doorway down below, the ant and the grasshopper talk. The ant with his corn for winter, the grasshopper with not. So the grasshopper eats the ant. And the sheep in wolf’s clothing eats all the wolves.

The genie in the lamp is something to be seen. He grants you three nightmares, and only three, if you please. The Beast and The Beauty—the monster tears her to shreds. Now that’s a sleeping beauty, if ever one dreads.

Elves run rampant. Run with them, too. Follow them up the beanstalk, and join The Giant in his stew. Back down you go, what a throw, into the house of cake, Ding Ding!  Meet The Green Witch. What sweet treats she has to bring, bring.

Here comes The Prince on his white horse, with a glass slipper and a kiss. Let him climb Rapunzel’s hair, see what he finds there in the mist. A dragon. The Dragon. He thought he saw The Dragon. It is. Join the green monster and take the brat down. Down with him, down with him, down with them all.

But a sword, The King’s Son draws, and he slays and slays . . .

Did you think this would have a happy ending? This isn’t that kind of fairy tale, so tall. Up above the world, so bright, those twinkling little stars are bats’ eyes at night. The Rain Man shows, and down the rain does drop. You’ve just been paid a visit by a Dark Woods Gorlock.

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.

Bigfoot National Park ‘Hidden Harms’ -- if you’re here, you’ll be hard to find, too

By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer

You’ve got your Bigfoot hunting license, a full stomach, you’re geared up and you may’ve even purchased one of those 103” Bigfoot stuffed animal toys, which make the Costco bears look like kid stuff. You can officially call yourself a Footer.

Now it’s time to get in line for one of the park buses to take you into Bigfoot’s playground and on your way to finding the most popular yeti of all time.

Buses usually show up right on the hour. Except they’re always late. In the meantime, enjoy the Bigfoot Finders Festival right there in Lodgers Square. You’ll see the banners everywhere: “Long Live ‘foot” and “Bigfoot or Bust,” they read. Monsters from all over Transyl-vein-ia will be singing Bigfoot carols. Take advantage of the Bigfoot snack carts in the square, which offer some of the best goodies, like Bigfoot gummies, chocolate Bigfoot bars and Bigfoot fungus. Yum!

When your bus arrives, it’s first come, first serve. To get a seat, you must claw, shred, bite, cast a wicked witch spell (which reminds me: No witches allowed in Bigfoot National Park -- go see the ranger immediately to be thrown into the Tar Pits) . . . All others should do whatever they can to get a ride. Werewolves are required to travel in a trailer -- they’ve torn up the upholstery on one too many bus seats in the past. If you’re a werewolf and there’s no trailer on the bus, ask your driver a special accommodation, and if he has no trailer to hook up, he’ll gladly throw you into the Tar Pits.

Once you’ve taken your seat aboard the bus, your driver will shut the doors and pull away. He’ll take you into the park by way of Bigfoot Falls. It’s a stunning view, especially as you go over the falls.

Once you’re in the park, be on the lookout for Bigfoot. He could be anywhere. Your bus driver will drop you off at Camp Slasher Psycho. That’s where you Footers will set up camp.

You’ll be happy to discover that the human campers you’ll be sharing the grounds with are dumber and more reckless than ever, which means, for all you hockey mask-wearing guys and gals out there, you’ll have your work cut out for you.

I recommend setting up camp promptly and getting on your way. There’s no time for rest and rel-axe-ation. You’re certainly not going to catch a glimpse of Bigfoot sitting (or slitting) around.

There are several trails leading out of Camp Slasher Psycho. Take any of them. Every trail leads you into dangerous wildlife corridors.

You may end up in Killer Bee Bend where yellow jackets the size of baseballs use their lethal stingers to play darts with your head.

Or you may run into Lake Larry, where the Loch Ness Monster has been seen practicing his backstroke. Hopefully, you filled up on coffee while waiting for your bus earlier in the day so you’ll be forced to use the larry (a.k.a. the latrine) near the lake’s pier. If you had nightmares of finding Bigfoot, kiss that possibility goodbye. The Larry Monster loves suckers like you. He sucks you right down into the toilet. He loves that coffee filling inside of you.

There’s also a trail that takes you to the Ghost Glaciers. You guessed it -- the ice is haunted. Not only do these slowly moving rivers of ice collapse and send guests into the freezing cold water below, but ghosts do their best to hold you under. It’s one of the perks. If you’re an ice monster, take advantage of the fantastic swimming possibilities.

Wherever you end up, chances are you haven’t seen a clue of Bigfoot’s presence. That’s because he’s hard to find. And he may be on to you.

Those of you who purchased the Bigfoot Survival Guide (which is still available on my website for a mere $6.66), you’ll know you should’ve been limited to a strict lemon juice-diluted-with-water diet for the past two weeks to eliminate your body odor so Bigfoot can’t smell you. If you drank the coffee in Lodgers Square while waiting for the bus, remember, you didn’t make it past the Larry Monster anyway, so it doesn’t matter. But if Bigfoot doesn’t smell you, you may be getting close.

Be quiet . . . Listen . . . Can you hear him? Can you smell his DQ Blizzard-breath? That might be him.

If it’s not him, you might’ve wasted your money on this trip. Even if you find him, it doesn’t matter, because if you’ve made it this far into the park, you’ll never make it out to tell anyone about it. The real fun is still to come.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.