Transyl-vein-ia Hills fillers, bits and bulletins to KILL time

Missing -- Pet devil bat, 102 years old, around 250 pounds, red scales, bloodstained razor sharp teeth, mean as hell, goes by the name of Fluffy. Call Bill at 666-1313 with info.

For Sale -- Glove with knives as fingernails. Used, but only in a few dreams. Needs sharpening. Very effective, especially on reckless teens with wild imaginations. Best offer. Will throw in red and green striped sweater if the offer’s right. Place your bids at RealNightmares.mon.

Halloween Tree Sprouts Odd Pumpkin -- A typical Halloween tree is hung with gourds of all shapes and sizes, each with a face burned through it. Hundreds of pumpkins, hundreds of grins, hundreds of flickering lights behind those grins. One such pumpkin hanging from one such tree in Transyl-vein-ia Pines grew large and round on a giant, overhanging branch, and the face that burned through the shell came in the form of a hashtag and several letters: #ThisHalloween’sGonnaBeSoLit.

Looking for Spook to Haunt House with -- Lonely, trapped in house on Stormy Night Place with plenty of unsuspecting trespassers on nightly basis. Looking for a fellow specter who also likes to moan, wander halls, play dusty old pipe organ, move candelabras and make scary noises with chains. Email Ms.LonelyButNoHeart@yaBOO.mon.

Got Web? -- Looking for more spider-webbing in your home? House deteriorator with entire life experience (three years) spinning web in structures to make rooms look more “not lived in.” Can create big expanses across large staircases in open foyers, able to catch small flying insects and people, too. Will deteriorate houses in no time for fraction of cost you’d pay a big-time Darwin’s bark spider. Call Charlotte at 666-WEBB.

Electricity Fun Fact -- The average Transyl-vein-ia Hills citizen uses just 6,000,000,000 joules of energy (approximately six bolts of lightning) every stormy night for creature creations. How much do you use?

Looking for Spook with House -- Tired of bouncing around. Wanted: Mature ghost who enjoys spooking, wandering halls, playing a dusty old organ, moving candelabras and making scary noises with chains. Hoping to settle down. Candidates must already have house you’re forced to haunt for eternity. Summons me from Hell by ringing a bell.

Werewolf Walker for Hire -- Born and raised in Transyl-vein-ia Hills, now a student at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Crow Fun Fact -- A flock of crows is known as a murder. Can someone say crow party?

Please Fund Me -- Worried about blood misters coming to town and depleting precious blood resources? Afraid portals between human world and monster world will close on Halloween, leaving you or hated ones in the human world? I’m an up-and-coming mad scientist with big, crazy ideas. Send me the money to rent space in the Mad Science District and get equipment of my own. Not one of those scientists with only goals to take over the world. Want to save it first. Donate to my page at Wilma.ThrowMeTheMoney.mon.

Project X House Needed -- Looking to throw huge rager. Big old house desired, preferably one on hilltop against full moon for witches to fly by throughout the night. Squeaking front door a must for skeletons to open creepily and wave guests in. Trees out front required so ghosts can swirl through. Multiple gables a plus for spooky owls and menacing crows to perch atop. Rusty gate that black cats can dance across. Plenty of gravestones for spirits to peek-a-BOO! out of. Should be in a peaceful neighborhood for party to disrupt. Send house pics to NextX@HooHooHaHa.com

Saliva Fun Fact -- Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water, while monster saliva boils humans.

Random Fun Fact -- Fun facts are fun.

Bed sheet ghost likes red sheets most

By The Lunchbox Ghost

Staff Out-To-Lunch Writer

A bed sheet ghost out haunting last night in the Stench Quarter of the Black Lagoon was caught in a red sheet, not a white one, and the ghost said it was his right to choose.

 According to recent studies, more and more bed sheet ghosts are opting for alternatives these days.

“Some bed sheet ghosts are haunting in plaid sheets,” said a representative of the GWDT (Ghosts With Different Tastes) community. “And there’s nothing wrong with bed sheet ghosts of color. They scare with the best of them.”

The Red Sheet Ghost told reporters that he feels more like himself in red.

“White is so bland,” Red said. “I feel like I’m pretending to be something else when I’m scaring in white. The fact that some ghosts are criticizing me for being red is so dephantomizing.”

Red recently sat down with a white sheet ghost who represents Frankenstein's Monster’s presidential campaign and discussed his dilemma.

“Red is exactly the kind of individual Frankenstein’s Monster represents,” the campaign official said. “I talked with Red for quite some time and let him know that Frankenstein's Monster had his own issues with being different when he was first created. Angry mobs were always trying to corner him in old mills to burn him down, and they succeeded on a number of occasions, too. Trust me, he knows what it’s like to be different, and he’s ready to fight for those like Red.”

Red said he trusts the Monster and added that he will certainly give him his vote on Tues., Nov. 8 when monsters go to the polls to vote for Transyl-vein-ia president.

“I should be allowed the freedom to be who I am,” Red said. “So, please, stop throwing stuff at me. Underneath, we’re all the same. We’re all just nothing -- literally. But none of us are free until we’re all protected.”

Skeleton flips house, everything new and nice underneath

Home flippers buy brand new homes, fix them up so they look old and dilapidated, and then they pass them off as real haunted houses on Halloween night.

A Monster Island skeleton, who goes by the name of The Haunter, went out to the human world (in a small Southern California suburb) this Halloween season in August and did just that. And while the home he flipped looks old and rotting on top, underneath it’s all shiny and sanitary.

“Most home flippers are doing that these days,” said Ben Thardunthat, a bed sheet ghost that’s been flipping houses for over 20 years. “That’s because it’s hard to find old, scary, incredibly dangerous houses today. Most flippers take shortcuts because they feel no one’s really going to find out.”

And so, if you’re planning on spending some time in a haunted house this season, think about whether you really want to go into a place that’s not truly a hazard, that’s not falling apart, that’s not disgusting and not a place that’s going to endanger the lives of everyone in it. That’s the type of place that ghouls like The Haunter are trying to pass off as a “haunted.” Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

-Wicked Witch

Jack-o'-Lantern Press launches podcast

The ghouls and goblins at Jack-o'-Lantern Press launched a new podcast this week called "The Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast." 

JLP creators Michael Picarella, Tom Picarella and Robert Picarella talk about and review cool things for those obsessed with Halloween and monsters.

In Episode 1, the guys discuss some cool, fast-growing digital decorations you can use in your own home. They also give information about a website that will help you celebrate Halloween 365 days of the year. 

If you love Halloween and you love monsters, then check out this podcast. Listen to the first episode by clicking on the link below:

The Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast

"We're hoping to do at least one or two more episodes by Halloween night," said JLP Publisher Michael Picarella. "And we're planning to do a podcast where we'll discuss the results of the all-too-important Transyl-vein-ia Presidential Election, which we'll post on Nov. 9th or 10th."

Transyl-vein-ia will vote for a new president on Nov. 8, 2016. The five candidates running are Count Dracula, Sea Creature, Jason, Frankenstein's Monster and the Wolf Man.

"It's anyone's guess who will win," said JLP Head of Research and Development Tom Picarella. "I'm still looking over the news coverage our reporters from Jack-o'-Lantern Press are bringing in. I know that before I go into the booth, I'll be able to make a more informed decision. And I'll be able to discuss that decision on the show and know what I'm talking about."

"The Jack-o'-Lantern Podcast" is everything your ears have wanted to have in them next to bed bugs and cockroaches. Check it out tonight!

Black Lagoon ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- learning how to live the retired afterlife

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

Monsters have a hard time coming to the decision to retire.

That’s why Del SpiderWebb, the developer behind the Black Lagoon retirement community, and his team of retirementeers are scattered throughout Transyl-vein-ia recruiting those who aren’t even interested in retiring, but who eventually will be all for it.

Taking their posts at train stations, airports and rocket landing fields everywhere, SpiderWebb’s retirementeers greet the hundreds of arriving vacationers at curbside with free bus rides to the Black Lagoon Sanitarium. Many monsters will say they’re on their way to seek out the gems and jewels of the Carpathian Mountains or to run with the werewolves in Werewolftown.

Action and adventure isn’t exactly what these vacationers need, the retirementeers will tell them. Most monsters, they say, if they’re on vacation, are too sick.

If you’re in your 100s, 200s or older, it’s time to start thinking about moving beyond the scare-focused life you’ve led. It’s time to settle down and think about scaring recreationally.

SpiderWebb and his team have found that most ghouls and goblins considering retirement have the following two conflicting thoughts about calling it quits:

1) Enthusiasm -- “I’ll finally get to reap the rewards from my decades and decades and decades and decades of scaring.”

2) Fear (not the good kind) -- “What will I do when I retire, and will I be successful?”

The above simultaneous thoughts push monsters toward retirement and pull them away from it all at the same time. And while that painful tug of war with your body might sound like fun, it’s really quite the dilemma, especially for all you scare-a-holics out there.

Those monsters who just can’t stop scaring and wreaking havoc on the world have to realize that life isn’t over (it never ends if you’re a monster -- you know this), especially if you settle down in the Black Lagoon.

Take, for example, the Brunch Cruise on the Lagoon. Sounds boring if all you want to do is scare, right? Think again. The Brunch Cruise allows guests the opportunity to stop off during various parts of the journey to visit and terrorize humans on the shores who are innocently picnicking. Talk about a blast. The cruise also stops all boats carrying humans so that guests can capsize these crafts and send people deep into the various abysses of the lagoon. Can it get more fun than that?

You might think the Bingo halls in the many Black Lagoon recreation centers are all about playing Bingo. Well, they are. That’s because Bingo is fun, especially if you’re a brain-dead zombie, so check that out.

But SpiderWebb will tell you new retirees tend to mostly enjoy the classes that the Black Lagoon has to offer. Monsters grappling with the idea of retirement are stuck wanting to accomplish bigger scares. That’s why SpiderWebb and his team offer learning opportunities -- to fill that gap.

Go to any recreation center in the community and you’ll find all sorts of educational opportunities. One of the more popular courses to take is tomb engraving. Students enjoy coming up with their own epitaphs and even those for their children and little grandchildren and their little grandchildren. They make for excellent birthday gifts and Christmas presents. Seriously, how excited would you be to unwrap a customized headstone as it pertains to your demise or, better, someone else’s demise?

Black Lagoon apparitions can also take classes on how to be wall monsters. Many ghosts may find it easy going through a wall from one room to the next, but contrary to belief, it’s actually a difficult task to move vertically through the wall from one story to another. When you think about it, don’t we all typically take the stairs? At Wall Monster Manor in Haunted Mansion Row, expert wall monsters from the human world will show you how to “up” (and down) your spooking game.

Many of those monsters contemplating retirement might ask, “Why would anyone need to learn all this stuff if we’re just retiring?”

Here’s why: The Black Lagoon is filled with portals to the human world, so you’re not ending your scaring at all.

SpiderWebb spared no expense when he was developing his retirement community. He flew in covens of witches on their brooms from Witches Meadow to install year-round portals in all Black Lagoon homes so that monsters, ghouls and goblins can hop into the human world at their leisure to scare people, then return when they’ve had their fun.

According to SpiderWebb and his retirementeers, monsters no longer have to be stuck haunting the same folks in the same setting forever and ever. Instead, they can do it on their own time. That’s the benefit of retirement that SpiderWebb is selling.

But some creatures just won’t change. And that’s just one more reason, according to SpiderWebb and company, for them to retire to the Black Lagoon. These types of monsters are sick in the friggin’ head.

And so, a free bus to the Black Lagoon Sanitarium makes good sense after all. When retirementeers grab and drag you into their transports, they’ll first take you to Bayou Landing at the entrance to the Black Lagoon for some more convincing.

Those who can withstand the many tortures there and who can remain adamantly against signing Black Lagoon retirement agreements are typically tossed into Thing Swap, and the various swamp things there will make one last attempt to convert you into a retiree before they do away with you permanently. That or they send you to the Cypresses where mad doctors simply turn you and others like you into alligator people. You lose all ability to think freely and you then just go where you’re told.

In the end, you all sign those Black Lagoon residency papers, and you board the bus again for the Sanitarium where you’ll be pronounced mad.

To be dead or mad -- that is the life!

The Black Lagoon is now offering residences for new retirees. Buses are standing by. Will you board?

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Black Lagoon ‘Hidden Harms’ -- what lies beneath

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

The Black Lagoon hasn’t always been the beloved retirement community that it is today. Before that it was just a lagoon.

The body of water itself was around long before The Founder of Transyl-vein-ia ever stepped foot onto this great land, and it’s said to be deeper and more far-reaching than anyone or anything can even know (except for maybe the creatures of the Black Lagoon, who claim to have travelled the entire lagoon and it’s underground waterways in search of victims). According to creatures, the lagoon’s ducts and canals go under every bit of Transyl-vein-ia. Today, it’s the primary source of water to all 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia.

“I’m here to tell you that even the water flowing out of the geysers at Geyserland in Bigfoot National Park comes from my resources in the Black Lagoon,” said Del SpiderWebb, the developer of the Black Lagoon retirement community. “Even the monsters on Monster Island get their water from me. That’s because the Dead Sea that surrounds the isle is much cleaner than the lagoon, so we export our polluted water to them for their enjoyment.”

Shortly upon The Founder’s discovery of Transyl-vein-ia, “The” Creature from the Black Lagoon was said to have evolved from the waste and scum in the water. Sources said he grew up on the south end of the loch where other creatures were coming up.

“We did all the usual things little creatures from the Black Lagoon do,” The Creature said. “We growled at all hours of the day, went swimming on full stomachs, swam away from home . . . You know what I’m talking about.”

Yes we do.

That’s around the time when SpiderWebb and his gang of zombies, werewolves and mutants came to the area and saw the lagoon as a potential revenue stream. He believed that, if he could take over the area, he could be the sole provider of polluted water to the region.

“He basically came in and took what was rightfully the creatures’ water from right under their fins,” said The Founder. “He took it with great force and brutality. I know I speak for the majority of our citizens when I say, what a monster! And we’re proud to have him as part of our Transyl-vein-ian history.”

Today, monsterfolk can visit the site where SpiderWebb and his raiders landed at the east end of the Black Lagoon. There’s no carnage left to enjoy (that’s long been devoured), but there are monuments where key creatures and other water life were ended, and the flag that SpiderWebb placed in the sand still stands where he hoisted it up on the day he laid claim to the region.

The Mighty Spidey, the boat SpiderWebb used to navigate the waters as he was taking over the lagoon, can still be viewed to this day as well. The craft lies at the bottom of the western canal.

On the third day of his rule of the lagoon, SpiderWebb was out on the water admiring what had just become rightfully his when creatures attacked and took the Spidey to the lagoon floor. Now, each day, creatures will gladly pull you under to see the historic wreckage. You can even see many of SpiderWebb’s personal belongings of the time, including the dinnerware he used to eat flies while onboard the Spidey and even his favorite pillow that he slept on while overtaking the creatures.

Creatures of the Black Lagoon today don’t hold any grudges. Those who survived takeover are fine with what happened because SpiderWebb’s community brings them thousands of victims every year to relish. But at the time, creatures didn’t like being killed and didn’t care much for the way SpiderWebb had gone about stripping their water mass from them, so they did all they could to stop SpiderWebb, even sinking his boat in hopes of getting rid of him.

“I barely made it out of that attack alive,” SpiderWebb said on the incident. “But make it, I did. And I went on to create the biggest water empire in the history of any world.”

In a matter of a few short years, SpiderWebb developed a way to pipe water to the ever-expanding districts of Transyl-vein-ia. Then he met with the stewards and rulers of those neighboring lands and began negotiating deals to provide them his resource.

“A lot of these areas had their own water sources and they didn’t need to pay me to give them what they already had,” SpiderWebb said. “That was a problem.”

So SpiderWebb went into these areas with his goons and goblins and cleaned up all the water to the point where no monster could even bathe in the stuff. And he went back to negotiate deals so all the districts could have good, polluted water from the Black Lagoon.

The rest is history, and the Black Lagoon proudly shares this story through rare documents, artifacts and a really great video -- with interviews from those who brokered the great water deal of Transyl-vein-ia -- at the Black Lagoon Museum and Historical Society Building.

On the other side of the muddy, gator-filled path that runs through the courtyard of the museum is the Black Lagoon Water Agency, which is open to the public. There, monsters can see how the agency keeps the water so nasty and how they pump it all over Transyl-vein-ia.

“Monsters who come to our world from the human world don’t know,” SpiderWebb said, “but the stench that comes from our water is so rancid, you can’t help but fall in love with the place at first whiff. When I realized that, I got the idea to build what’s now the ultimate retirement community.”

Monsters of all the worlds who paid their dues and worked hard all their lives and afterlives deserve the best place to settle down for good. The stench in the Black Lagoon area was stronger than any other place, and it was an instant draw to those looking for a place to retire.

“It’s never been a question of whether ghosts and goblins want to retire here in my community as opposed to somewhere else,” SpiderWebb said. “It’s always been a question of whether they want to retire to begin with.”

SpiderWebb, the entrepreneur that he is, spared no expense (in money or lives) to fill his community with retirees. He goes out of his way every year to “convince” monsters that they want to call it quits. It’s a story for another time.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Black Lagoon ‘Rot Spots' -- the Del SpiderWebb experience for retirees

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

Located close to the alligator-infested swamps and the Stench Quarter with its rotting zombies, and boasting incredible views of the world’s most popular lagoon and the creatures bathing there, the Black Lagoon (a Del SpiderWebb retirement community) provides a sought-after lifestyle with haunted homes that feature creaky designs, creepy old crypts and bad weather year-round.

Set against the backdrop that inspired New Orleans and the bayous in the human world, Del SpiderWebb offers residences, for 105-year-olds and older, in communities that promote active retirements.

“World-class amenities,” SpiderWebb said, “and the fact that our community is constantly buzzing with activities, clubs, classes and events -- that make living in the Black Lagoon a fun and exciting environment for active adult monsters and ghosts -- were two reasons why the Black Lagoon was voted the No. 1 place to go to retire for 200 years straight.”

Those who dwell in the Black Lagoon tell others not to be left out in the sunlight. The community still has plenty of room for more kooks and creeps, offering an enviable line-up of resort-style amenities, including 13 golf courses, six recreation centers, six toxic bathing ponds and six worship centers. There’s also a hospital at the Cypresses in Boo Bayou where doctors can do even more hideous things to your looks.

But according to SpiderWebb, the Black Lagoon isn’t a place you visit for fun.

“You don’t come here for a leisurely vacation,” he said. “You come here to find and buy a home.”

The Black Lagoon gets ghouls, goblins, werewolves and zombies from all over Transyl-vein-ia who are looking to take up residency in one of the many dingy homes on Haunted Mansion Row, a place where they can ply their trade of slinking around dark halls, practicing their terror and raising the dead.

“When we set out to build our housing tracts over 200 years ago,” said homebuilder Jerry Rig, “we put homebuyers at the forefront of the design process. The home designs are the result of extensive consumer research and analysis of buyer feedback that, in the end, we ignored but were glad to have done anyway. We instead took on the challenge of coming up with what we thought would best reflect the way monsters and ghosts would want to experience life and the afterlife.”

Over 70 percent of the consumers polled said they wanted to have their space. So SpiderWebb and company built the structures in Haunted Mansion Row on top of each other.

“We’ve got several different design layouts homebuyers are able to choose from,” SpiderWebb said. “And so far they’ve worked for all kinds of spirits. Take for example the haunter over at the Red Room Estate. He couldn’t be happier. About 100 years ago, he turned over his scaring duties in the top tower of the Haunted Hotel in the Carpathian Mountains to his son, and he’s now doing his red room routine recreationally in the tower of his own home. He chose the Haunted House With Tower design, which is probably our most popular model.”

There’s also the Haunted House With Conservatory design that man-eating plants typically choose to make their home. They love sitting in the glass room, just growing there all day and eating any unsuspecting guests.

All of the designs include cemeteries.

“About 60 percent of the consumers we polled said they wanted their own graveyards,” SpiderWebb said. “We actually listened to that request and, as a result, each home has its own, fully stocked cemetery.”

More than 90 percent of the ghouls and goblins questioned in that same poll said they had no interest in an entertaining atmosphere. That’s when the creators of the Black Lagoon got to work on Transyl-vein-ia’s best flow of eating and entertainment spaces that could provide residents the ideal setting for entertaining family and friends, which is right down the street from the housing.

The now-popular Stench Quarter is full of some of the most amazing restaurants with the most awful food you’ll ever taste.

“We pride ourselves in our brains here in the Quarter,” said Chef Gore May. “We even serve chicken, which many will tell you tastes like brains.”

The Quarter is also a not-so-lively place to go. Nothing is alive there. Zombies roam there night and day in their dead-alive state, finding joy in anything that moves.

The entertainment in the Quarter is top-notch.

“There’s nothing like shrieks and moans set to ragtime piano,” said popular ragtime ghoul Art Aitum. “I play at the Ghost Club down in the Quarter, and the walkers milling around there seem to howl and groan anytime I play a good old-fashioned rag.”

Then there’s the annual Mardi Gr-AHHHH! Festival, reflecting the practice of the last night of eating richer, fatty brains before the ritual of eating them again the next night. Annual? The event is so popular they have it every day.

The most popular attraction in the Black Lagoon, however, is the lagoon itself. Made even more popular by the human world’s recreation of the lagoon in the Amazon for the movie “The Creature from the Black Lagoon,” the original Black Lagoon here boasts the greatest swimming areas at Creature Cove.

“We built fun ‘land features’ like beaches and resorts filled with people for creatures to attack,” SpiderWebb said. “And we have boats like the tramp steamer, Rita, that creatures can climb onto for the helpless prey onboard. They can pull any of those victims down into the mysterious depths of the lagoon for all the fun they can imagine.”

Creature Cove, SpiderWebb added, is one more example of how he and his Black Lagoon developers pride themselves in spending no money on capital improvements each year to ensure the amenities remain dangerous and enviable to all, and so that the community stays behind the trends that newer communities think are so great.

“We’re proud of what we’ve built here,” SpiderWebb said. “I’m not just the developer of this community. I’m also a resident. If you come check us out, we think you’d find it to be a place you’d love to call home, too.” 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Transyl-vein-ia Hills ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- monsters pay for this kind of calm

By Cookie Cuttre

Staff ‘burbs Writer

It’s the Transyl-vein-ian Dream -- anyone or anything (with money) is free to imagine and realize a land in which life (or the afterlife) can be better, richer and fuller for all, with opportunity for each, according to one’s ability or achievement.

Transyl-vein-ia Hills is a place full of ideals. If you’re well off, like the monsters that live in this suburban Shangri-La, you can take (and the residents of Transyl-vein-ia Hills have already taken) what you want. It’s as simple as that.

It’s the good life, full of guileless pleasures like the Transyl-vein-ia Hills Skulling Alley with the best lanes and the freshest skulls; like the Library of the Dead with books (and authors) you’ll want to eat up; and like Local Trash Services, where you can take as much trash as you want to keep.

There’s the Transyl-vein-ia Hills Bus Depot and its dregs of society waiting for you to board a bus so they can fill the seat next to you. In this land, you’ll find lemonade stands monstered by the town’s little skull crushers who are more than happy to share their own brand of freshly-squeezed lemonade with you, made from real lemon tree people.

The Pink Flamingo Garden Shop is a great place to go to stalk up on the things you’ll need to build your own paradise wherever you reside. The Pink Flamingo breeds its own gnomes, killer flamingos and other lawn terrors that’ll make any front yard or backyard complete. You’ll want to spend all your nights there relaxing in a hammock . . . tied up for dead. These critters are also great at capturing beings for you to possess so you don’t have to put in the effort to capture them yourselves. You can just sit back and enjoy.

Probably the best destination for recreation and relaxation, however, is the Firehouse near the Trick-or-Treat Tract Shopping Center. A visit with the Red Devil will ensure a speedy resting place. If you’re good, he’ll send you to the human world to suffer a short (71-year average) “real life.” If you’re bad, you can enjoy eternity in the fires within his lair. The Firehouse is also a great place to shed some pounds and cleanse your body through some serious perspiration.

Goblin Street is home to rows and rows of bed-and-breakfasts for your leisure, surrounded by trees and the goblins that lurk in those trees. Resident goblins wait for you to go to sleep so they can call on you from their oaks to come out and play.

The tree people on Tree People Place, unlike the goblins of Goblin Street, won’t taunt you. They’ll just go into your B&B to take you away.

It may not sound very relaxing, but a trip to the Wreck Center on Wreck Center Circle is where you can go to relieve stress. There you can bust down walls, break windows, smash up furniture and practice your jump scares on combat sports grappling dummies that were scientifically farmed to physically respond to terrors like you.

You can also swim in the Wreck Center’s pools, caked with toxic sludge so that, when in the human world, you can be better equipped to chase down escaping swimmers or enemy boat crews who are on the hunt for unidentified life such as yourself.

There’s hiking and biking, flying and wall climbing activities, which is always a great way to promote quality sleep at the end of the night.

On second thought, you might do better promoting nightmares at the Transyl-vein-ia Hills Drive-In. If you’re open to demonic domination, a night at the movies is always a top recreational activity. The demons in the movies there are more than happy to come out of the big screen and enter your vehicle . . . and your soul. You might have a difficult time getting your soul back, but that’s not always a good thing, so heed the warning.

Probably the best place to go to retire for eternity is the haunted house at the end of Bat Court in the northern part of town. There, the bats are always swarming. Lightning never stops striking, thunder stays clapping and rain continues to pour forever. Skeletons will greet you and take you into their dwelling so you can experience true haunted house living. If you haven’t experienced haunted house living, take my word: it’s among the last things you’ll ever get locked into doing.

There are so many ways to enjoy Transyl-vein-ia Hills. It has that hometown feel so many of us desire. And while no one ever said the Transyl-vein-ian Dream was easy to attain, those from Transyl-vein-ia Hills will start telling you it is when you arrive. So we welcome you . . . for a small, but actually rather large fee. How much is in your wallet?

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.