The Blues Lagoon offers the best blues and ooze in the bayou

By Crocodiles Davis

Staff Ragslime Music Writer

BLACK LAGOON -- If you’ve made it this far in Transyl-vein-ia -- into the heart of the Black Lagoon -- then chances are you’ve got flying frog monsters on your tail and they’re gaining on you.

Take this opportunity to sit down at the Blues Lagoon blues lounge in the Stench Quarter and let your pursuers catch up.

“The terror is much more exciting when it’s in your face -- or faces, depending on your orientation,” said ragslime musician Louis Fangstrong. “Order yourself a poison sumac julep and listen to some of the best ragslime and blues bands the monster world has to offer.”

Star performers like Snarley Parker, Frizzy “The Werewolf” Gillespe, B.B. King Kong, Fret Baker, Sarah Vein, John “The Moleman” Moletrain, Billie Horrorday, Dexter Gore-don and Charles Fungus are some of the headliners at the bar. You can listen to disturbing music and enjoy Cajun-style insects and sludge gumbo. But it’s the atmosphere that matters most.

“It’s dusty, yet dank, dangerous and full of terror traps,” said loungekeeper Comin Forabite. “If the flying frog monsters don’t catch up with you, the horrors in here will finish the job.”

The Blues Lagoon is best known for celebrating the deceased (usually after becoming deceased right there in the bar). On hand for these grand occasions, along with the enemies and families of the deceased, is a special, mobile jazz band that for such an occasion sounds uncomfortably haunting. And as a skeleton reverend says, “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, we’re sure glad this poor soul couldn’t stay here with us,” the snare drum player takes the handkerchief out of his snare, which serves as a cue for all the congregation and the band to form into one line and march to the back of the hall and into the cemetery out back, and sing, “Oh, Didn’t He Ramble Into One Big Mess.”

Usually, upon arriving in the cemetery, folks figure that since the deceased is dead and gone, there just isn’t any sense in not celebrating the loss of the poor soul, so the band really gets into it and the congregation usually breaks into dance.

“It’s really quite something to experience, especially if you’re the one that’s deceased,” Forabite said. “Once in the graveyard, there are all kinds of other pitfalls to fall in, and before you know it, there are usually two or three more celebrations. Here at the Blues Lagoon, it’s not just a funeral. It’s a nightly tradition. And we just can’t get enough of it. As you’d imagine, we’re known for knocking off our guests.”

In fact, the Blues Lagoon was awarded Deadliest Bar in the Quarter 10 years in a row.

Speaking of deadly, here come those flying frog monsters now. Better make a run for it. Don’t trip over any of the obstructions hiding under that fog bed that just came conveniently rolling in. But since the band is already here . . .

Monster maker gives credit to monster cereals for being his maker

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

MONSTER ISLAND -- Captain FrankenPirate, also known as Michael Hanna in the human world, is a monster maker/pirate/magician/card reader/fortune teller/ghost detector -- a sort of jack-o’-lantern of all trades, as he says. He’s a Frankenstein monster in his own right, a concoction of many parts . . . and talents, too.

His ship, the Blarney Hanna, pulled into Pirate Harbor late last night, and Jack-o’-Lantern Press got the opportunity to sit down with him at his favorite table in his favorite tavern for some of his favorite rum to talk about his work, how he got into what he’s into, and about how you can check out some of the spooky and kooky stuff he’s doing.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press: How was your voyage?

Captain FrankenPirate (Michael Hanna): Choppy.

JLP: So, we know you make monsters and we know some of the monsters you’ve made, but what kind of monster are you? Were you made in a lab, created from black magic, hatched from an egg or were you just born?

MH: The evolution of my many personalities comes from years of being exposed to glow-in-the dark toys from the 1960s, eating lots of Boo-Berry, Franken Berry and Count Chocula cereals, and being a loyal Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine subscriber.

JLP: How long have you made monsters, and what got you started?

MH: I started making monsters in my lab about 30 years ago . . . because I had all these ideas in my brain and I needed to share them with others like myself -- and there are plenty of other Halloween/Monster/things-that-go-bump-in-the-night enthusiasts like myself. The pirates are my first love. There’s something about that time period I just really enjoy. It just seems to click with me, and creating the characters is never ending while building them.

JLP: Tell us about some of the monsters you make. We know you’ve made skeleton pirates, werewolves and vampires. What else? And what’s your scariest creation?

MH: Yes, I’ve made skeleton pirates, werewolves and vampires . . . I’d probably say my scariest creation was a family of life-sized zombies, though. As I created each one -- there were five of them -- I had no place to put them, so I set them around my kitchen table. It looked like I had a family of five zombies sitting at my table for dinner every night.

JLP: As a captain and creator of your own pirates, does that mean you sail with a crew, or do you sail solo?

MH: I hang with a crew of the most amazing pirate characters that ever sailed the seven seas. They’re a very large group of pirate re-enactors, kind of like the Renaissance Fair folk, but a lot more rowdy and a lot more fun. This group of wonderful colorful pirates can be found all over the country. Believe it or not, there are hundreds and hundreds of pirates all over the world, and not just in the monster world. There are hundreds and hundreds in the human world, too. I sail with them all.

JLP: Have you ever harnessed energy from lightning to create any of your monsters?

MH: No, but I drink a lot of rum, which gives the same of effect.

JLP: What types of monsters, wizards, mad scientists, evil warlords or other haunters buy your work? Do plain old ordinary people buy your work, too?

MH: People and things who think outside the box . . . march to their own drum . . . have fun with creative, crazy, wild ideas . . . You get the idea. People who have a pirate room or bar in their homes buy my creations to decorate or enhance their dwellings. Then there are collectors of unusual things. Ordinary people? What is that?

JLP: Once you release your horrors into the world, do you have separation anxiety? If so, well, lucky you. Do you ever check in on your creations, see what kind of terror they’re up to?

MH: Do I have separation anxiety? What father wouldn’t?! Looking at your children after you’ve created them and then having to part with them, all you can hope for is that they go to a good home and that you raised them properly before they go to represent you elsewhere. Unfortunately, once they leave my lab, I have no way of checking on them since it’s against the monster code. Hopefully, one might pop up in the news or on the Internet doing what they do best . . . scaring people!

JLP: Can you tell us about your lab? I’ll bet it’s filled with body parts, bones, spell books, operating tables, flasks of colored liquid, levers and control panels, Tesla coils and large machinery, death rays, and dusty piles of failed experiments, right?

MH: Well, from your description, it sounds like big brother is watching, but aside from all the cliché things like the ones you mention, you’ll also find a refrigerator, a stove, the television, my terrible children’s stacks of vampire girls magazines . . . Oops, scratch that last comment.

JLP: What types of body parts for your work are most difficult to find?

MH: I would probably have to say dragon eyes. Hard to come by and the damn dragon always seems to want to keep them.

JLP: So tell us, honestly, have you ever concocted a plan to take over the world? 

MH: No, probably just Pittsburgh.

JLP: We understand you’re also a magician. What kind of magic do you do -- black magic, evil sorcery, voodoo or just the regular kind?

MH: Yes, I am a magician. I’ve performed magic since I was 7 years old. Still can’t seem to get the “sawing the woman in half” trick down to a science yet, though I’ve created lots of twins because of it.

JLP: Were you born with magic? If not, what evil magician taught you what you know now?

MH: No, birth is magic itself, but I was self-taught and learned from books in the library. There were no DVDs or videotapes back when I was learning.

JLP: What’s the evilest spell or act of magic you’ve ever performed? How’d it go and did kids take off screaming?

MH: The evilest spell is probably the one I cast on the woman I married. And do kids run out screaming? Only if I’m wearing shorts when I’m performing.

JLP: You also find ghosts. We’ve had many of our good friends in the ghost realm go missing. Can you find them? How? Can you call on ghosts to just appear? Did you know I’m part ghost? Can you call me? Whoa, here I am.

MH: (Laughs) Yes, I’ve been known to be sensitive enough to find spirits. But then again, I could find Waldo. I don’t use a Ouija board and I don’t do a ghost-to-ghost broadcast. I’m just able to sense the force around all of us, and I know how to tune in better than most people, but not as good as some.

JLP: Can you actually communicate with ghosts? I mean, other than me. Can you play in their world?

MH: Sometimes. I walk with them and talk with them, but when it comes to solid walls, they keep going and I stay where I am.

JLP: How long have you been reading others’ misfortunes? Do you go in for that more light-hearted “fortune” telling stuff, too?

MH: Reading others’ Miss-fortunes, Mr.-fortunes . . . it doesn't matter. It’s all good. But I'm not really a fortuneteller. I’m more of an advisor, so I connect with people and try to give them a good direction as to which way they’re supposed to go with their lives.

JLP: What is your biggest challenge in all that you do? Or is it all that you do that’s the challenge?

MH: I would have to say . . . walking. My feet hurt a lot, otherwise there’s no challenge too big and nothing I can’t create if I put my mind to it.

JLP: What do you do for evil in your spare time?

MH: I still eat Count Chocula.

JLP: Is there a special ghoul in your life? What type of monster is she?

MH: My main squeeze? Yep. And because I’m all-over-the-place crazy, she keeps a lid on my coffin when I get too out of control. I guess you could call her the Bride of FrankenPirate.

JLP: Any skeletons in your closet?

MH: Just the ones that are being made into pirates. Oh, and the ones that I feed the dog when I run out of milk bones.

JLP: What other things would you want monsters, ghosts, magicians, mad scientists, pirates, haunters and even people to know about you and what you do?

MH: We covered most of the stuff that makes up my crazy life. My dead -- I mean my dad -- was a stuntman in movie westerns. My mummy is a stay-at-home type of mum. But to expand a little more, Skullywags is a company I built from the ground up about 20 years ago. I create these pirates, I sew all the clothing on them, and I make all the boots, hats and all the accessories that are on them. As for my magic, I mainly do theme magic like Harry Potter and pirate magic, and I even did a “My Little Pony” show not that long ago. Regarding my tarot card/channeling abilities, I’ve been involved in connecting with the “spirit world” since I was very young. I do readings/channeling for people who are trying to find good direction in their life. I also work with two paranormal groups as their sensitive investigator, doing work in houses that are reputed to have spirit activity.

JLP: How can people find you or contact you?

MH: I’m on Facebook as “Skullywags” and as “Tarot Readings by Michael.”

JLP: OK, so, at the end of these interviews, we like to fire off some questions like James Lipton from “Inside the Actor’s Studio” does. So here we go: What’s your favorite shade of blood and guts?

MH: Purple. It’s my favorite color, too.

JLP: What’s your favorite type of victim?

MH: Probably victim of love.

JLP: If you could be any other monster, what would it be?

MH: An agent for the IRS.

JLP: What kind of scream or cry of terror do you love most?

MH: The one from my kids when they find out I ate all the donuts.

JLP: What kind of scream or cry of terror do you love least?

MH: The one from me when I find out my kids ate all the donuts.

JLP: What’s your favorite torture device?

MH: I think it’s a toss-up between the vacuum cleaner and the washing machine.

JLP: If The Elevator that goes down to The Fire Caves exists (and it does), what would you want the Red Devil to say to you when you arrive?

MH: I’ve got these two glasses here. Did you bring the rum?

Skeleton flips house, everything new and nice underneath

Home flippers buy brand new homes, fix them up so they look old and dilapidated, and then they pass them off as real haunted houses on Halloween night.

A Monster Island skeleton, who goes by the name of The Haunter, went out to the human world (in a small Southern California suburb) this Halloween season in August and did just that. And while the home he flipped looks old and rotting on top, underneath it’s all shiny and sanitary.

“Most home flippers are doing that these days,” said Ben Thardunthat, a bed sheet ghost that’s been flipping houses for over 20 years. “That’s because it’s hard to find old, scary, incredibly dangerous houses today. Most flippers take shortcuts because they feel no one’s really going to find out.”

And so, if you’re planning on spending some time in a haunted house this season, think about whether you really want to go into a place that’s not truly a hazard, that’s not falling apart, that’s not disgusting and not a place that’s going to endanger the lives of everyone in it. That’s the type of place that ghouls like The Haunter are trying to pass off as a “haunted.” Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

-Wicked Witch

Jack-o’-Lantern Park ‘Rot Spots’ -- this is Halloween

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

After months of life without Halloween, the day has arrived -- October 1st. Jack-o’-Lantern Park is something to be seen, but go, then, go now, for it’s the worst.

Orange and yellow leaves are falling from the trees, there’s a cool crispness in the air, a fall breeze.

Pumpkins fill the fields and scarecrows stand tall. And with that, welcome to Halloween Country, one and all.

Of course, it’s Halloween all year long, and every day in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. The leaves are always falling strong, and there’s crispness in the air . . . even in the dark.

In the Pumpkin Patch up on Pumpkin Peak, there’s a never-ending supply of pumpkins growing. And even though they’re shopped every day all week, the pumpkins are always overflowing.

Back in Carver’s Corner, the Carver works on his creations. The pumpkins are always there, and so’s the Carver and all his relations.

The produce at The Stand tastes better this time of year. The apples on Apple Ranch are redder, the corn belonging to no finer ear.

In Pumpkin Goodie Gully, you can get pumpkin-flavored cookies, teas . . . pumpkin pie, pumpkin crackers and even pumpkin cheese.

Bring your best roast -- they’ll pumpkinize it on the spot. Take them old rats, toads and brains to boast -- they’ll add pumpkin flavor to all you’ve got.

It’s all the same, no matter when you go. Shine or rain, October’s best, you know.  

Visit the Corn Maze, give it a try. You’ll find creatures there since April, May, June and July.

It’s when you find the dead that you should worry. You may be too deep in the maze -- you better hurry.

It doesn’t help that the walls change and the paths close. There’s a right way to go, but nobody knows.

Tree Valley is always best in October, so stop by for a bite to eat. No need to sit down, it’s actually best to run. Because you’re the bite -- you’re the treat.

And when you get to the Halloween trees, full of jack-o’-lanterns and bumbling bees, you will know and you’ll know for good reason, it’s best to go during Halloween season.

Of course, it’s Halloween all year long in Jack-o’-Lantern Park, and it’s the same in the day and in the dark.

But during Halloween season, it’s just right. It’s even better on Halloween night.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Valley of Doom ‘Rot Spots’ -- where to go to get some rays

By Death
Staff Gloom & Doom Writer

Creatures love one another, acts of kindness are becoming the norm and good fortune is all around us.

Whoa! It’s getting pretty ugly out there, and not in a good way.

That’s why sometimes you have to get away from your everyday.

That sometime is now!

But you don’t have to go on big trips to get big results. It’s often the simple places and simple things you do that make such a terrifying difference.

So many monsters don’t realize that eating chupacabra on a stick could bring such joy to one’s life, especially when the chupacabra eats back. How about that sinking feeling you discover when you get caught in quicksand . . . and there’s no way out? So cool. There’s also the pleasure you get out of unassumingly leaning against a wall, the wall rotating, and you finding yourself in a snake-infested mummy’s tomb.

If you’re looking for the small displeasures in life, a place where you can breathe the sand-filled air or somewhere to go to get a really, really, REALLY good tan, try the Valley of Doom.

Over the past few hundred years, the Valley of Doom has grown into a place where monsters from any world can come to stretch out their limbs and savor the minor pains we often overlook. There’s no denying that funny, tickly feeling you get when your skin is melting off your bones as you traverse the broiling hot Valley.

Upon your arrival, stop at Border Basin. There’s no better place to find a few things to make you frown.

At the Valley Outfitter right there on the main stretch of the old ghost town, you can get yourself fitted for a hat, boots, sidearm and noose. Sure, maybe the rope is too loose around your neck, it’s a bit frayed, and the tree branch at the other end is dry as a bone and wouldn’t stop your fall if your death depended on it (and it does), but how cool will you be when the rope tightens and you can rock that dangling-eyeballs look throughout the rest of your trip?

Get yourself some of that aforementioned chupacabra from Chupacabra Village. There, you can pick up some of the best prepared vampire beast from Chupacabra Kitchen (it’s a great outdoor eatery), or you can get it fresh next door at Goat Sucker Farms where they breed more chupacabra than anyone else this and that side of the border.

Get it to go. Throughout your day, you can dip your claws into the crinkly paper bag carrying your lunch and pick away at the contents. And just when you think you’ve finished (here comes the best part), your lunch picks away at you. Yes!

Have you heard of the Everything Ever After Network? Of course you have. Who hasn’t? It's a list of little things that make big differences. But those who participate in the Ev-Ev-Aft Network don't always come by those little things so easily. They start out wanting their cake, and they want to eat it, too. They hold the belief that it’s really dumb to bite off more than they can chew. But they go after “everything ever after” anyway.

In the Valley of Doom, there is no cake. This is a desert, not dessert. So there’s nothing here to want, nothing here to eat and nothing here too big to chew. Where the Ev-Ev-After-ers get it right is in their takeaway from their experiences. They go after family and career, six jobs at the same time so they can afford the lavish lifestyle they so desire . . . and still they want more. These American Dream chasers are after it all, after all. And in the end they get squat.

Or do they? It takes time, but the Ev-Ev-After-ers eventually find their true “everything ever after.” When they’re climbing for the peaks, they often find themselves in the valley, and it’s in the valley where they discover those little things -- pure, joyful doom. And it’s THE PITS!

That’s right, the Pits are a series of holes in the ground. If you fall in one, it’ll swallow you up. You ever run your hands through sand? The warm, fine grains go between your fingers, providing that calming sensory experience. Imagine that same experience, but all over your body as sand from the top of the pit you’re in covers you and you can’t breathe anymore. The best part is: You don’t have to do anything to get that experience. You don’t have to pay anything to get that experience. All you had to do was fall in a hole. Just one of the perks you get by being in the Valley.

The Quicksand Ranch has similar appeal. Critics have said, “This place sinks!”

And the Death Walk Tours -- you don’t go into a long hike through nothing to nothing and expect some big material gain. But, like the Ev-Ev-After-ers often discover in the end of their journeys, you wind up finding some other kind of bliss -- your very own “everything ever after” that comes as a result of the unique experience you had. In the case of the Death Walk Tours, you often discover hunger, dehydration, heat exhaustion, loss of skin, dry bones, buzzards from the Buzzard Bowl picking at you constantly . . . Need I share more?

Oh, but there’s much more here in the Valley of Doom. It’s just not as easy to find. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Monster Island ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- is peace what you really want?

By Queen Kong
Staff Island Writer

If you’ve spent a decent amount of time on Monster Island, you’ve surely come to notice that the misfits here were banished for good reason. The whole idea to escape the troubles and idiots of your world was to go to a place where there are no troubles and idiots at all.

Not to worry. If you can shake the animatronic hippos, banshees, bloodthirsty mermaids, centaurs, cyclopses, dinosaurs, dragons, dwarves, elves, ghosts, golems, gorgons, griffins, giant gorillas, hydras, imps, minotaurs, mothmen, ogres, pirates, sirens, skeletons . . . (This place isn’t called Monster Island for nothing!) . . . two-headed tigers, warlocks, wizards and the will-o’-the-wisps, then try to locate the Beach of Never-Ending Solitude.

At last, you’ll be able to enjoy what you came to the island for -- peace, quiet, seclusion and only a few sea monsters, hobgoblins, orcs, giant vultures, giant crabs, giant centipedes, giant scorpions, monster bees, selenites, harpies, the occasional serpent woman and the Kraken, which is a sea creature so it’s somewhat redundant to bring him up. Other than a few pests, you should find yourself all alone.

But you may discover that there’s really nothing to do on the Beach of Never-Ending Solitude when it comes down to it. All of that solitude starts to make you feel like you’re the trouble and the idiot you’ve been trying to escape all along, in which case, get off the Beach of Never-Ending Solitude.

Around the northern peninsula and back into what’s called Bug Bay, you’ll come across the Worm Holes. These holes, dug up by monster worms, are great places to climb into as a means to unlock your inner peace. Go on -- get in. They’re actually quite relaxing.

Once inside one of these cocoon-like encasements, you’ll be able to shut out everything. Shut out those thoughts that bring you down with your so-called “logic” and “rational reasoning.” These are the thoughts that make you say things like, “My life is so unfair,” “I have no friends” and “I’m so good-looking,” and with that you’re forced into coming up with lame rationalizations as to why you’re worse off than everyone and everything else.

And just as you shut all that out, a giant worm from inside your wormhole will inevitably attack you. Get out of there quick.

That’s when you’ll be confronted by the hordes and swarms and packs of bugs -- ants, aphids, bed bugs, bees, beetles, cockroaches, dragonflies, earwigs, fleas, flies, grasshoppers, leeches, mantises, mites, moths, mosquitos . . . (This place isn’t called Bug Bay for nothing!) . . . sandflies, spiders, termites and the occasional cloud of wasps.

Take cover in the nearby Troll Caves. If you make it there before your demise, you’ll forget all about your personal anxieties, so there’s no sense in finishing my previous explanation of how to shut out the thoughts that bring you down.

The trolls will first try to attack you. After they have their fun, they’ll want you out of their home, so they’ll take you to a boat headed back to the mainland.

They’ll most likely drag you to Viking Village, where you can catch a Viking boat over to a small floating landmass connection off Monster Island called Voodoo Island. Not to worry -- your layover will be brief (only a week or four). Use that time to get to know Tiki Town and Captain Cook’s Tiki Cove.

Although, if you’re a skeleton, avoid Captain Cook’s. The fact that they started serving skeletons last year doesn’t mean a thing. The Captain and company still hate skeletons because they can’t hold their liquor. According to one of the tiki gods that serves there, the drinks literally go right through skeletons and all over the floor, and the staff is tired of mopping up after them.

But do check out Tiki Town for the best in all your tiki needs, including voodoo dolls and pins, cursed wooden tikis, stone heads that put spells on you while you sleep and other cool stuff like that.

For entertainment, check out the death chant ceremonies you can join, exotic music performances that hypnotize you and the Polynesian Midnight Burlesque Show that pays homage to the early dooms of the island.

At last, a shrunken head dealer or some other kind of tradesman will come and get you. No, your boat for the mainland is still not ready, but all those monsters from Monster Island are after you.

Hope you can swim. All you have to do is get past the breaking waves and over to the other side of that invisible force field that keeps monsters trapped on Monster Island. Because the field is invisible, I can’t tell you where it is, so just keep swimming.

See your pursuers crashing into something there? That’s the field. You made it. And after a few days of swimming, you’ll be home again, back to everyday life (or afterlife) and all the stressful difficulties you thought you escaped.

But I promise, it won’t be long before you find yourself back on Monster Island in search of a place to help you forget all the troubles and idiots of your everyday world. And you can bet that all us misfit monsters will be here to welcome you with open arms . . . and claws and curses and fangs.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Monster Island ‘Hidden Harms’ -- find lasting relationships

By Queen Kong
Staff Island Writer

Out here on Monster Island, it’s survival of the fittest. But it’s also a cold, dismal place to build some equally cold, dismal lifelong relationships. Social status, ability and wealth are never factors in meeting and enjoying time with cool beings out here.

If you find yourself stuck in Gorgon Gorge, you’ve no doubt met Medusa or one of her gorgon sisters. Given the ability to talk, be friendly and make a connection with the gorgon that ruined your life. Ask questions like, “Am I gonna be a statue forever?” But also ask questions about her life like, “Wow, how long does it take you to curl your snakes on your head each morning?” Add a compliment: “It’s downright horrendous.”

Don’t be surprised if she releases the curse from you and takes you into the Stone Palace to meet the minotaurs. These guys are beasts, so if you’re into corporate hotness and diversified stock portfolios, you may want to look elsewhere.

But if you and your new gorgon friend are new BFFs, go with anything she suggests regardless of your tastes. Hopefully she’ll get you a ticket to a show at the Coliseum. They have some great performances there like “Man vs. Beast,” and you might find what you’re looking for there.

Don’t just sit and watch the entertainment in the ring. Let your gorgon host know you want to mingle. Check out the concessions and stores in the building. You might bump into one of those pirates you met at Pirate Harbor when you first got to the island. They love the Dragon Dogs at the Coliseum and all the fixings, so you might try to connect over at the condiment station while they’re loading up on mustard, onions, relish and ranch dressing for their rum rings.

For those looking for female fiends, skip Gorgon Gorge altogether. You’ll do better at Mermaid Marina just between the Dragon Caves and Golem Rocks. Mermaid Marina is home to 1,000 bloodthirsty mermaids just waiting to meet someone like you. Go for a swim. Australia’s “down under” has nothing on this place.

If you get a moment or the chance to come up for air, how about an evening under the stars at Fairy Fountain of Youth and Wishing (Not) Well? It’s a popular hangout for those interested in seeing the underside of all the wishing wells in the human world. The dragons and golems from their nearby residences will most likely join you as it gets late.

Pennies fall up out of this well. These are coins that were dropped down on the human side, and you and others are able to snatch the coins and keep the wishes from coming true.

Some people on the human side jump into fountains of youth over there, which are also connected to this spot here on Monster Island. We just eat those imbeciles.

But you’ll find this to be a great opportunity to sit around, meet monsters, accept and celebrate your differences, and feel better about yourself and life in general. Go with it. Enjoy. That’s what you came to the island for.

As more and more monsters join in the fun, you’ll start to realize you’ve actually got more troubles and more idiots in your life now than ever before. You might eventually start thinking you didn’t have it all so bad in your place of origin after all.

Sometimes life (and even afterlife) on Monster Island can get so stressful and difficult that escape is the only option. That’s when you know it’s time to hug your newfound friends, say goodbye, and dream of all you’ve done.

Then run! 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Monster Island ‘Rot Spots’ -- where to go to escape the boring monsters

By Queen Kong
Staff Island Writer

Sometimes life (and even afterlife) can get so stressful and difficult that escape is the only option.

Whether you’re going to Monster Island to get away from the troubles and idiots of your everyday world or you’ve been banished from where you live now, go you must.

Those who are banished will be flown over the island and dropped. But those of you who are planning a trip should ask yourselves, What am I trying to escape and why?

If you realize you’re unhappy with your life because of a job, then you’re going to have to quit that job and go to Monster Island. You can live on the land. Note: It’s a predator/prey scenario there, so just make sure you’re the predator.

If you want to escape your life because of a bad relationship, then you’re going to have to go to Monster Island. Don’t forget to bring that bad relationship with you so you can throw it down into Sharks Reef when you get there. Then kiss that problem goodbye.

Some ghouls and goblins are just unhappy with where they live, in which case it’s highly recommended you pick up and go to Monster Island. Sometimes life is boring in the everyday world. Monster Island will keep you on your toes -- remember it’s a predator/prey scenario out there.

Before you have the chance to think about it and change your mind (or minds if you’re a two-headed creature), go down to Blood Beach on the eastern side of the Carpathian Mountains and find the boat landing. It’s a heck of a slog, but so’s life in your crummy neck of the woods if you’re looking for escape, so stop making excuses. On the beach, Charon the Ferryman of Hades gives death boat rides to the island.

Or, if you’re in Witches Meadow, go to Coven Creek. You can hitch a ride with Charon to the island from there, too. Coven Creek leads to the River of Death, which goes out to Dead Sea and on to the island.

Either way, you’ll need a coin to pay the Ferryman for passage. Go to FerrymanDeathRides.mon and type in the coupon code “JLP” for a free coin. We’ll send it to your location via raven.

Then, call on Charon by using the horn hanging from the tree, which is at every ferry stop. The skeleton driver will appear promptly from the fog in his cool little death boat. Put the coin in the driver’s bony hands, climb aboard the boat, and you’re on your way.

Monster Island is way out in the middle of the Dead Sea. It’s an island of misfits. But those misfits didn’t begin there.

Back in the Stone Monster Age, monster giants ruled the land, which we know as continental Transyl-vein-ia. Those gargantuan terrors wrecked all the shopping malls, laboratories and pumpkin patches with their size and weight, so the citizens founded the Transyl-vein-ia Board of Monsters, and that board called upon a coven of witches and a couple wizards to have them whip up a giant island.

Then the witches and wizards found all troublemakers and outcasts, and sent them out to the island and barricaded them in with an invisible force field in the water just outside the island’s shores. Don’t worry -- we’ll be able to get you off the island when you’re ready to go. By the way, you just crossed the force field, so if we can’t get you off the island, there’s nothing to do about it now.

When the boat lands, make sure you give Charon a decent tip. It’s the right thing to do. Twenty percent is appreciated. Anything less will get you killed.

Then say hello to island living. One of the first things you’ll want to do is go up to the top of Lightning Lookout and scream out to where you came from that you’re the king or queen or thing of the world. That’s right -- stick it to the monster who was trying to hold you down back home. But don’t stay up there too long because the lighting creatures come by often and they’ll light up your world -- believe me.

Go on down to Pirate Harbor next. You’ll meet plundering pirates, sinful seafarers and vengeful ghosts of mariners from the clipper ship, the Elizabeth Dane, who are brought in with the glowing fog that sweeps in over the island every now and then when they’re not terrorizing Antonio Bay and other beach towns in the human world.

Check out the colonial taverns (linked to the colonial taverns in the human world via various portals) just outside the harbor. It’s a great meeting place for food, fine spirits and drinks, too. The spirits there are always haunting, so take a room for the night and enjoy the thrills and chills they perform. Lights go down for the show at 8. It’s curtains for you by 9.

The Animatronic Hippo Pond is a hip spot to visit. From the taverns, go west to Jungle River. Hop on one of the boats there and ask to see the tigers. The driver will promptly take you to the Hippo Pond.

Steer clear of defective animatronic hippos that don’t flip boats. They’re no fun. The hippos wiggling their ears are typically the good ones.

As you work your way deeper and deeper into the jungle, be on the lookout for signs of the giants -- large footprints, oversized slippers lying around to match the footprints and huge Twinkie wrappers that could cover a circus tent. Massive gorillas like my husband, King, and giant insects, dinosaurs and enormous poop bag stations are evidence that you’re in Giants Jungle. Say hi to Godzilla for me if you see him, but stay away from his atomic breath -- it’s way worse than the garlic breath of the animatronic hippos.

You’ll definitely want to check out Skeleton Rock for a skeleton duel. Bring your best sword game, too, because these skeletons are expert fencers and its pretty tough to stab through bone.

Gorgon Gorge is a great place to go for snake women and super hot minotaurs. Notice all the stone statues throughout the ruins as you make the approach -- they’re so life-like. That’s because Medusa and her gorgon sisters have an “eye” for such fine work. One look and, with their talents, they’ll stop you dead in your tracks -- literally.

Hopefully they don’t stonewall you there because Monster Island has so much more to offer. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.