Valley of Doom ‘Hidden Harms’ -- they’re hiding in the middle of nowhere

By Death
Staff Gloom & Doom Writer

It’s the journey that matters, not the destination. But the destination is the Valley of Doom.

If you’ve spent the money on the plane ticket and you’ve already put down a deposit on the room at Doc Howliday’s Hotel and Saloon, then chances are you’ve come to realize the Valley of Doom is really just one big desert. Maybe you knew that coming in, but now you sure’s well know there isn’t a whole lot to do here.

Bear with me a moment. If life’s all about the journey and not the destination, then that means it’s the little things that count. And I got a slew of little things here just dying to eat you, and then some.

Here are a bunch of little great things you’ll find in the Valley of Doom that you’ll just love:

Clean shave

Stop by Butcher’s Barbershop and Meat Market in Border Basin for a clean shave. There’s nothing like it. Even if you plan on going nowhere for the next few months (and if you’re in the Valley of Doom, you ain’t goin’ nowhere for at least a few months), there’s something about a sharp blade against your skin (or scales, depending on your orientation) that really takes the cake. It’s when that blade gets to your neck and the barber slips . . . You can’t buy that kind of pleasure. (Getting butchered at Butcher’s, by the way, is $1.99.)

Food waiting for you

Stop by any hole-in-the-wall eatery in Border Basin, and you’ll smell food cooking. You’re very tired, you had a long day in the heat, and you haven’t got the energy to cook your own grub. Try the Broken Spoke. Can you smell that steak and those potatoes and beans? The food’s always waiting for you at your table. It’ll wait for you to sit down. Then it’ll jump up and get you in one big bite.

All eyes on you

Go into any saloon in Monster Mesa just outside of Border Basin, and all eyes are on you, stranger. The talking stops. The piano stops. Don’t you just love that silence? What follows is pretty much your destruction.

Boom!

The Monster Mountain Mine in Monster Mesa has a rickety ol’ railroad that’ll take you deep into the farthest depths of the mountain. Ghosts are at play in there. And bats come swooping down on you from every angle. The real pleasure comes when you hear that BOOM sound. Folks just love that racket, especially when there’s no time to get back out of the mine. Even the runaway mine train is nowhere to be found because it usually runs away while you’re admiring the rock formations inside the mountain. That BOOM sound is from the dynamiting. BOOOOOOOOM! BAM! CRASH! It’s the little things . . .

Echo

Out there in the Valley you can shout and hear your echo. It’s a child’s joy, but we all love doing it. However, I think we can all agree that it’s the growl that follows that makes us smile most, especially when it’s the actual growl you hear, not just the echo. The beast is close.

Waking up in the middle of nowhere

Just when you thought it was all a dream, you wake up from your heat exhaustion snooze and find yourself in the middle of the hottest desert anywhere, full of deadly predators and no water whatsoever. It’s a dream come true.

Dust

You’re in a mummy’s tomb somewhere in Tombtown. It’s full of cobwebs. And dust! Lots and lots of dust. There’s dust in your nose, dust in your throat, dust in your lungs . . . You can’t even breathe because there’s so much dust in you and all around you. Gesundheit. You’re welcome.

The flute

Ah, Mummy’s Marketplace in Tombtown -- it’s crowded with monsters buying and selling goods. Suddenly you hear that most pleasing sound: the flute. It makes such beautiful music. Those snakes coming out of the baskets near you are the real treats.

Amulet of Doom

There’s nothing like a night out at the Kafe Klaris in Tombtown (the famous mummy crooner, Klaris, just opened the swinging place a couple hundred years ago). Good food, good entertainment from the Klarisketeers . . . and good fortune from the Amulet of Doom, which is in your coat pocket. You may not even know it’s there until it’s too late. Good times.

Your bed all made up for you

It’s been a long day, you’ve had all the terrors and doom you can stand. You go into the Oasis in Tombtown for some rest and relief. There’s a bed made up for you. Don’t you love the feel of fresh sheets? And when the tombkeepers wrap you in all those bandages, and then the lid of the sarcophagus closes on you -- never to be opened again for all of eternity -- you know it’s all over. Talk about simple pleasures. Tony Bennett may’ve sung a song about leaving his heart in San Francisco, but if he were with you now in the Valley of Doom, he’d have a whole lot more to sing about leaving behind in this place. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Valley of Doom ‘Rot Spots’ -- where to go to get some rays

By Death
Staff Gloom & Doom Writer

Creatures love one another, acts of kindness are becoming the norm and good fortune is all around us.

Whoa! It’s getting pretty ugly out there, and not in a good way.

That’s why sometimes you have to get away from your everyday.

That sometime is now!

But you don’t have to go on big trips to get big results. It’s often the simple places and simple things you do that make such a terrifying difference.

So many monsters don’t realize that eating chupacabra on a stick could bring such joy to one’s life, especially when the chupacabra eats back. How about that sinking feeling you discover when you get caught in quicksand . . . and there’s no way out? So cool. There’s also the pleasure you get out of unassumingly leaning against a wall, the wall rotating, and you finding yourself in a snake-infested mummy’s tomb.

If you’re looking for the small displeasures in life, a place where you can breathe the sand-filled air or somewhere to go to get a really, really, REALLY good tan, try the Valley of Doom.

Over the past few hundred years, the Valley of Doom has grown into a place where monsters from any world can come to stretch out their limbs and savor the minor pains we often overlook. There’s no denying that funny, tickly feeling you get when your skin is melting off your bones as you traverse the broiling hot Valley.

Upon your arrival, stop at Border Basin. There’s no better place to find a few things to make you frown.

At the Valley Outfitter right there on the main stretch of the old ghost town, you can get yourself fitted for a hat, boots, sidearm and noose. Sure, maybe the rope is too loose around your neck, it’s a bit frayed, and the tree branch at the other end is dry as a bone and wouldn’t stop your fall if your death depended on it (and it does), but how cool will you be when the rope tightens and you can rock that dangling-eyeballs look throughout the rest of your trip?

Get yourself some of that aforementioned chupacabra from Chupacabra Village. There, you can pick up some of the best prepared vampire beast from Chupacabra Kitchen (it’s a great outdoor eatery), or you can get it fresh next door at Goat Sucker Farms where they breed more chupacabra than anyone else this and that side of the border.

Get it to go. Throughout your day, you can dip your claws into the crinkly paper bag carrying your lunch and pick away at the contents. And just when you think you’ve finished (here comes the best part), your lunch picks away at you. Yes!

Have you heard of the Everything Ever After Network? Of course you have. Who hasn’t? It's a list of little things that make big differences. But those who participate in the Ev-Ev-Aft Network don't always come by those little things so easily. They start out wanting their cake, and they want to eat it, too. They hold the belief that it’s really dumb to bite off more than they can chew. But they go after “everything ever after” anyway.

In the Valley of Doom, there is no cake. This is a desert, not dessert. So there’s nothing here to want, nothing here to eat and nothing here too big to chew. Where the Ev-Ev-After-ers get it right is in their takeaway from their experiences. They go after family and career, six jobs at the same time so they can afford the lavish lifestyle they so desire . . . and still they want more. These American Dream chasers are after it all, after all. And in the end they get squat.

Or do they? It takes time, but the Ev-Ev-After-ers eventually find their true “everything ever after.” When they’re climbing for the peaks, they often find themselves in the valley, and it’s in the valley where they discover those little things -- pure, joyful doom. And it’s THE PITS!

That’s right, the Pits are a series of holes in the ground. If you fall in one, it’ll swallow you up. You ever run your hands through sand? The warm, fine grains go between your fingers, providing that calming sensory experience. Imagine that same experience, but all over your body as sand from the top of the pit you’re in covers you and you can’t breathe anymore. The best part is: You don’t have to do anything to get that experience. You don’t have to pay anything to get that experience. All you had to do was fall in a hole. Just one of the perks you get by being in the Valley.

The Quicksand Ranch has similar appeal. Critics have said, “This place sinks!”

And the Death Walk Tours -- you don’t go into a long hike through nothing to nothing and expect some big material gain. But, like the Ev-Ev-After-ers often discover in the end of their journeys, you wind up finding some other kind of bliss -- your very own “everything ever after” that comes as a result of the unique experience you had. In the case of the Death Walk Tours, you often discover hunger, dehydration, heat exhaustion, loss of skin, dry bones, buzzards from the Buzzard Bowl picking at you constantly . . . Need I share more?

Oh, but there’s much more here in the Valley of Doom. It’s just not as easy to find. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.