Happy Halloween 2021!

It’s almost time! 

To prepare for a big night of ghoulish festivities, join the guys from the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast and the Nightmare365 Podcast for their Halloween Radio Special.

As you carve pumpkins, dress up, and prepare for a big night of candy collecting, listen to Mike, Tom, Matt and Greg as they share Halloween memories, tell scary stories, and play their favorite Halloween tunes of the season.

 

Click HERE to listen the show. 

And HAPPY HALLOWEEN! It’s almost time!

Give Halloween Boxes a ghoulish go this Halloween season

By Jack O. Lantern

“Head’ Writer/Editor

HUMAN WORLD -- Monsters with three hands know that they have one hand to help themselves, a second hand to grab victims in the night, and a third hand to help others. This Halloween, those helping hands should be used to offer Halloween Boxes to those in need of a great spooky season.

Nightmare365 founder Matthew Bartholomew Douglas came up with the idea to give Halloween boxes a couple years back, and he explained why.

“My mom used to give out gift baskets for each holiday,” Douglas said. “And one day, I thought it’d be cool to share the love of Halloween in a similar way. I started by giving away Halloween advent calendars to people I knew had kids. Then I thought: What if I put together a little box with stickers and candy, too?”

And so was born the Halloween Box. 

Douglas is trying to attach more traditions to Halloween. In addition to giving away Halloween Boxes, he’s also trying to get more folks to tell scary stories at Halloween time. Last year, he got a few ghoulish goblins together to tell tales with scary sounds, and then he played them on his Nightmare365 podcast and on his YouTube channel. You would be able to listen to these stories, except Douglas took them down because he's endlessly revamping his podcast and YouTube channel. Blow him up at 732-660-8893. Luckily you can hear Picarella’s tale, "High Beams," from Alvin Schwartz's "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" right here: 

“I love the idea of having more fun traditions associated with Halloween,” Picarella said. “Trick-or-treating, costume parties, and watching scary movies are all great. But I really like the idea of telling scary stories again. The last couple years, Matt also sent out Halloween cards. I like that, too. It really adds to the fun of the season.”

Picarella added that Douglas is probably the last living being in this world or the monster world to actually send postcards still. (For the youth of the world, postcards are pictures you can’t text. They’re images printed on cardstock, found on rusty metal rotating racks in tourist gift shops of notable landmarks.) 

So back to Halloween Boxes -- the best way to go about putting together a Halloween Box is to first select a victim who would most benefit from Halloween goodies. Then choose a number of spooky items to give such as a Halloween advent calendar, plastic vampire teeth, spider rings, Halloween stickers and decorations, Halloween candy, and maybe something a little extra, like a Tasmanian Devil, all of which can be found in any of the 13 deadly districts of Transylveinya. Next, smash these items into a box and have that box tied shut. Finally, have the box sent Dead-Ex (they’re the only postal service that’ll send a Tasmanian Devil).

Then wait for the phone to ring and the screaming to begin.

So don’t just use your three hands to help yourself this Halloween season. Your paws can do much more than grab victims, tie them up and claw them to pieces. They can also give the gift that keeps on living: Halloween Boxes with a little (or a lotta) something extra special inside!

Monster Mondays are back!

By Jack O. Lantern “Head’ Writer/Editor

It’s Monster Monday!

The guys from the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast finally got up off their keesters and are back with a Monster Mondays episode on the show, this one on a definite loser -- I mean a definite classic monster.

Sure, maybe this particular monster doesn’t move the fastest, doesn’t do much to scare anyone . . . at all. He basically just moans and groans like a dummy. I’m sure there’s a totally good reason why, then, that Michael Picarella and Tom Picarella chose to do an entire episode -- the longest Monster Monday episode to date -- on this idiot.

Click HERE to hear the show. Then tell us what you think by emailing us at JackoLanternPress@gmail.com or by calling our Pumpkin Hotline at 323-761-0276.

Oh, and let’s all pay close attention to the section in the episode (at around 9 minutes and 48 seconds into the show) where Greg Douglas from the Nightmare365 podcast promises (crosses his heart and hopes to die) to purchase and bring this glorious costume to life this Halloween:

I know I speak for all of you Halloweeniacs out there when I say that the Halloween world not only wants this, it needs it. 

Call Nightmare365 at 732-660-8893 to share your support for Greg. With your help, Greg will be the Pumpkin Mascot of Halloween 2021!

Aliens abducted, probed, (studied?), released humans

By Iwanna Beleeve

Staff Conspiracies Writer

When the guys from the Nightmare365 Podcast sign off each episode with their usual catch phrase “Stay spooky,” they might just be suggesting that you continue to ask the questions that have haunting answers. For example, did aliens really abduct Betty and Barney Hill back on that September night of 1961 while traveling an empty New Hampshire country road? We of the monster community tend to wonder if our alien friends really came across two strange human beings. Well, it’s not so uncommon for us to come across human beings, but why do humans have such a hard time believing in us? We’re everywhere!

Click and listen HERE to Matt and Greg dissect Betty and Barney’s story, and then decide if you believe the story that so many want to dispel.

And remember: STAY SPOOKY!

Bed sheet ghost likes red sheets most

By The Lunchbox Ghost

Staff Out-To-Lunch Writer

A bed sheet ghost out haunting last night in the Stench Quarter of the Black Lagoon was caught in a red sheet, not a white one, and the ghost said it was his right to choose.

 According to recent studies, more and more bed sheet ghosts are opting for alternatives these days.

“Some bed sheet ghosts are haunting in plaid sheets,” said a representative of the GWDT (Ghosts With Different Tastes) community. “And there’s nothing wrong with bed sheet ghosts of color. They scare with the best of them.”

The Red Sheet Ghost told reporters that he feels more like himself in red.

“White is so bland,” Red said. “I feel like I’m pretending to be something else when I’m scaring in white. The fact that some ghosts are criticizing me for being red is so dephantomizing.”

Red recently sat down with a white sheet ghost who represents Frankenstein's Monster’s presidential campaign and discussed his dilemma.

“Red is exactly the kind of individual Frankenstein’s Monster represents,” the campaign official said. “I talked with Red for quite some time and let him know that Frankenstein's Monster had his own issues with being different when he was first created. Angry mobs were always trying to corner him in old mills to burn him down, and they succeeded on a number of occasions, too. Trust me, he knows what it’s like to be different, and he’s ready to fight for those like Red.”

Red said he trusts the Monster and added that he will certainly give him his vote on Tues., Nov. 8 when monsters go to the polls to vote for Transyl-vein-ia president.

“I should be allowed the freedom to be who I am,” Red said. “So, please, stop throwing stuff at me. Underneath, we’re all the same. We’re all just nothing -- literally. But none of us are free until we’re all protected.”

Skeleton flips house, everything new and nice underneath

Home flippers buy brand new homes, fix them up so they look old and dilapidated, and then they pass them off as real haunted houses on Halloween night.

A Monster Island skeleton, who goes by the name of The Haunter, went out to the human world (in a small Southern California suburb) this Halloween season in August and did just that. And while the home he flipped looks old and rotting on top, underneath it’s all shiny and sanitary.

“Most home flippers are doing that these days,” said Ben Thardunthat, a bed sheet ghost that’s been flipping houses for over 20 years. “That’s because it’s hard to find old, scary, incredibly dangerous houses today. Most flippers take shortcuts because they feel no one’s really going to find out.”

And so, if you’re planning on spending some time in a haunted house this season, think about whether you really want to go into a place that’s not truly a hazard, that’s not falling apart, that’s not disgusting and not a place that’s going to endanger the lives of everyone in it. That’s the type of place that ghouls like The Haunter are trying to pass off as a “haunted.” Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

-Wicked Witch

Jack-o'-Lantern Press launches podcast

The ghouls and goblins at Jack-o'-Lantern Press launched a new podcast this week called "The Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast." 

JLP creators Michael Picarella, Tom Picarella and Robert Picarella talk about and review cool things for those obsessed with Halloween and monsters.

In Episode 1, the guys discuss some cool, fast-growing digital decorations you can use in your own home. They also give information about a website that will help you celebrate Halloween 365 days of the year. 

If you love Halloween and you love monsters, then check out this podcast. Listen to the first episode by clicking on the link below:

The Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast

"We're hoping to do at least one or two more episodes by Halloween night," said JLP Publisher Michael Picarella. "And we're planning to do a podcast where we'll discuss the results of the all-too-important Transyl-vein-ia Presidential Election, which we'll post on Nov. 9th or 10th."

Transyl-vein-ia will vote for a new president on Nov. 8, 2016. The five candidates running are Count Dracula, Sea Creature, Jason, Frankenstein's Monster and the Wolf Man.

"It's anyone's guess who will win," said JLP Head of Research and Development Tom Picarella. "I'm still looking over the news coverage our reporters from Jack-o'-Lantern Press are bringing in. I know that before I go into the booth, I'll be able to make a more informed decision. And I'll be able to discuss that decision on the show and know what I'm talking about."

"The Jack-o'-Lantern Podcast" is everything your ears have wanted to have in them next to bed bugs and cockroaches. Check it out tonight!

Jack-o’-Lantern Park ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- to be done in downtime

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Jack-o’-Lantern Park is a great place to visit before Halloween, especially if you’re a pumpkin.

Pumpkins who’ve spent any time under the Pumpkin Patch at the Pumpkin Caves Spirit Club know it’s a great place to lay low, enjoy various dishes of dirt and soak up all the water their roots can savor.

If you’re a scarecrow, however, the best place in Jack-o’-Lantern Park to go to get some rest before the big night of Oct. 31st is the Hay Fields right off Scarecrow Square.

“Everyone thinks being a scarecrow is easy,” said longtime Jack-o’-Lantern Park resident Claire Crowe. “But if you’re a working scarecrow, you know that standing on a stick in the middle of a field for months on end, scaring crows all day and all night, is exhausting. The best place to go to finally lay down and get that stiffness out of your back is the Hay Fields.”

According to the brochure, the Hay Fields is a wide-open hay meadow filled with temper-pedic straw and a full-service hay salon. Signature experiences include the three-hour (Bloody) Red Carpet-Ready treatment that offers a pumpkin juice massage, an ageless beauty haycial and a mani/pedi.

“This place was first recommended to me by a friend about 15 years ago after my first season scaring crows,” Crowe said. “I went in for shoulder and upper back tightness and found a great bargain through Groupon. I decided to get a neuromuscular massage and I had the greatest experience, thanks to Zivah. While other reviewers have noted that the Hay Fields feel more like worker fields, I couldn’t disagree more. The quality of my massage and the ambience of these particular fields were amazing in my opinion. Before every Halloween season, I look forward to my appointments with Zivah, and I always look forward to my follow-ups after Halloween night. Zivah and the Hay Fields are the best.”

But if you’re not a pumpkin or a scarecrow, and you’re looking for a place to kick back and relax, check out Pumpkintime at the top of Pumpkin Peak. Sponsored by Jack-o’-Lantern Press and located in the courtyard of the JLP Pumpkinheadquarters building, Pumpkintime is an outdoor amphitheater that hosts live ghost storytelling. It’s a great experience where you can be a part of the visceral dialogue between teller and audience.

“Our mission is to promote the art and craft of ghosts telling ghost stories through jack-o’-lantern vessels, and to celebrate and honor the commonality and diversity of the universal ghost experience,” said Pumpkintime founder I.M. Skairey. “We also work with young spirits and pumpkinhead-ucators to build community through ghost story workshops, performances and innovative resources.”

Those who attend Pumpkintime are always moved.

“It takes guts to go up in front of a live audience -- and even a dead audience -- and tell your personal ghost stories,” said Paul-o’-Lantern, who has been to more than a dozen Pumpkintime shows in the last year. “Those storytellers that have guts lay those bloody, gruesome innards all over the stage to bring their stories to gory life. And it’s awesome. The ghosts that aren’t able to expose their guts are still cool, though.”

Every Oct. 30th, the Great Pumpkin -- a regular storyteller at Pumpkintime -- takes the stage, following the Grover’s Mill Martians, to retell the tale of the time he stood up a group of trick-or-treaters who waited for him in the most sincere pumpkin patch around.

“The word ‘legendary’ is sometimes misused at Pumpkintime,” said the Carver from Carver’s Corner. “I’ve seen a lot of storytellers grace that stage in my time, and they’re all really top-notch, but the Great Pumpkin’s story about standing up those kids is, in every sense of the word, legendary.”

From the guy who curses the pumpkins that he carves and shares with guests, that’s saying a lot.

Still, there’s more to see in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. There’s the Deadly Petting Zoo (please feed the “animals”), there’s Pumpkin Launcher Landing (this is best after Halloween when pumpkins are gonna die anyway -- launching each other to their smashing deaths is a quick way to get it over with), there’s Lookout Point on Pumpkin Peak (for those who have to romance their victims instead of chase them down, Lookout Point provides romantic locales with excellent views of Transyl-vein-ia) and there’s Lantern Lane where you can experience the Festival of the Lantern Lights (jack-o’-lanterns from all over the region come to the fest wearing their best carved faces and illuminated by the brightest candles in their heads for an extraordinary night of jack-o’-lantern light and magic).

Get to where you need to go in Jack-o’-Lantern Park by way of the Tractor Ride Transit, the district’s premier transportation system. Those who use it more than three times in a week will earn ride tickets on the Transyl-vein-ia Express. And if you’re traveling to other Transyl-vein-ia districts, the Tractor Ride Transit makes stops at the Transyl-vein-ia Express Train Station.

The Transyl-vein-ia Express is a great way to travel Transyl-vein-ia, especially if you’re a monster. Fortunately, it’s not a great way to escape, especially if you’re human. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Jack-o’-Lantern Park ‘Hidden Harms’ -- behind the screams

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Like Halloween itself, Jack-o’-Lantern Park holds a magic and a mystery that brings out the child in all of us. Our curiosity draws us in, our fears heighten our experience, and of course, we’re all after a good dose of monster mayhem.

Pay a visit to Jack-o’-Lantern Park and you’ll see. But it takes work to be voted the No. 1 Place Most Resembling Halloween With Its Curiosity, Fear and Monster Mayhem Factors for 100 years in a row, and the folks responsible for receiving the annual honor take us behind the screams so we can see how they do it.

“I’ve done my scream runs every night for 100 years straight,” said the Headless Horseman, who resides in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. “I missed only one night of all 100 years, and there was no way I could go out. I had the worst flu anyone has ever had. My fever was 475 -- and that was without the scorching pumpkin head. I had muscle aches, a headache to end all headaches and fatigue that wouldn’t let up. I couldn’t hold my food down either. I was bent over the creek all night spitting up pumpkin seeds like you wouldn’t believe, so there was no way I was gonna jump on a horse and ride around Headless Horseman Pass, screaming and laughing, and I certainly wasn’t going to cross the bridge into the human world of Sleepy Hollow to find lone riders to chase. How could I throw my pumpkin head at folks if I couldn’t even hold the thing?”

When asked why his scream runs are so important, Headless said it’s not only key to the atmosphere of Jack-o’-Lantern Park, it’s also the main reason Jack-o’-Lantern Park is the top Halloween destination in all of Transyl-vein-ia.

“Even if you can’t hear my iconic laugh,” Headless said, “which took me decades to perfect, there’s a type of aftertaste in the air from that laugh that drifts throughout the land. It’s not heard. It’s felt. And I’m not gonna lie -- it’s true magic. It’s what everyone claims they feel when they come here during Halloween season. I do that to our visitors. You’re welcome.”

However, the candy corners in the Candy Corn Fields claim they’re the ones responsible for the big draw of creatures in October.

“It’s the magic of mellowcreme that most monsters merrily must put in their mouths to make them feel mischievous and marvelous on Halloween,” said longtime candy corner, Candee Corn. “Count Dracula comes out every couple days during the season to collect candy for his casket and his constant need for candy consumption. He loves the little lovely pumpkin shapes, and loves the flavor lots more. Frankenstein’s Monster eats so many of our candy snacks that he gets sick to his stomach and loses his stiches. He can’t get enough. And then there are the werewolves that come way out here from Werewolf Woods or wherever. They don’t even worry if the candy corn is pumpkin-shaped or the traditional candy corn cones. They just gobble it up.”

Ask the Monsters Ball DJ and he’ll tell you monsters want music and dance, not candy or the Headless Horseman’s laugh.

“Candy’s nice and I’m all for the crazy horse rider, but that’s not anything compared to what I do here at the Ball,” DJ said. “And monsters don’t wanna run around terrorizing, moaning and groaning all the time either. We monsters wanna get our funk on, and I provide the venue and the environment to give them the release they need after chasing babysitters and reckless teenagers all night.”

Asked if the “Monster Mash” is still a hot track these days, DJ told us it is, but only in October.

“You can get away with playing it in during Halloween season, and ghosts and ghoulies will totally dig it,” he said. “But you play that record any other time of the year, and you’ll get thrown to the bird people in Raven Patch.”

Raven Patch is an underrated spot in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. Even the bird people there don’t think it’s what brings visitors to the area. But they welcome anyone to come anyway.

“We raven-humanoids invite you to the Worm Fields for our famous jumbo worms,” said Big Bird Man in a recent interview. “And please, don’t use my full name for this article. I don’t need any of those stupid Sesame Street jokes. Just call me Jim. Anyway, the price for our box of jumbo worms and a soft drink has remained set at $1.50 since the mid-80s, and we sell more than four times the number of jumbo worms sold at all the combined death matches at the Coliseum in Monster Island’s Gorgon Gorge every single year.”  

According to Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s fact-checking service, Big Bird Man’s numbers aren’t even close to accurate. The Coliseum’s sales numbers for jumbo worms is through the roof, whereas those in Raven Patch are still on the floor, which goes to show that you just can’t trust a raven-humanoid named after a big, yellow, fluffy puppet.

In all truth, Jack-o’-Lantern Park isn’t even that busy during the Halloween season. According to the Jack-o’-Lantern Park Chamber of Commerce, most monsters are in the human world for the Halloween season by October 1st. So the Park is dead, and not in a good way. About the only place hopping in Jack-o’-Lantern Park is the Pumpkin Caves Spirit Club underneath the Pumpkin Patch, and most of the haunters going there are all retired.

If you didn’t know already, we jack-o’-lanterns are not the pumpkins themselves. We’re ghosts. We’re confined to one pumpkin a year and most of us suffer our deaths every November (either smashed after Halloween night, made into pies for Thanksgiving or we die of natural causes), but we’re reincarnated into a new, growing pumpkin on the day after our demise. In the early stages of our lives, we use our roots to go deep into the ground and pull nutrients away from other gourdes so we grow into bigger and better terrors. Though there are a few of us who lay on our sides so we grow deformed. The thought is that those who are deformed won’t get picked for Halloween or Thanksgiving, which keeps us from having to go through the carving process, the pumpkin pie process or the reincarnation process. I’m not gonna lie -- the reincarnation process sucks.

At nighttime in the patch, we float around and scare those wandering through the rows of pumpkins, but we can’t stray far from our pumpkin vessels and we feel everything our pumpkin vessels go through, whether we’re in the shell or not.

But it’s during the day that we go deep into our roots, down into the ground and into the Pumpkin Caves for the best daylife activities you’ll find anywhere. The place is known for its lack of TVs and clocks, making it the ultimate place for happy hour drinks that turn into daycaps.

Last year, the Pumpkin Caves Spirit Club operated as a speakeasy during pumpkin prohibition, which was the result of those who were sick of everything being artificially pumpkinized. Transyl-vein-ia banned all pumpkinizing machines, forcing the Pumpkin Caves (which is already underground) to go underground and illegally offer pumpkin-flavored goodies to those who had to have them.

Over the summer, we were happy to announce that our elected officials brought artificial pumpkinization back, and this year there will be more pumpkin-flavored goods on the market than ever before, hopefully doing away with the unnecessary deaths of pumpkins that were used last year to recreate the artificial pumpkin flavoring that so many individuals needed.

“You want a good dose of monster mayhem?” said Jill O. Lantern, president of the Jack-o’-Lantern Park Chamber of Commerce. “OK, so maybe we did make up the whole ‘voted No. 1 Place Most Resembling Halloween With Its Curiosity, Fear and Monster Mayhem Factors.’ We need the business here, so we’ll do anything. But you take away a monster’s artificially pumpkin-flavored treat and see what happens. There may be no mystery in it, but there’ll be plenty of fear for the fool who does the taking and plenty of monster mayhem.” 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Jack-o’-Lantern Park ‘Rot Spots’ -- this is Halloween

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

After months of life without Halloween, the day has arrived -- October 1st. Jack-o’-Lantern Park is something to be seen, but go, then, go now, for it’s the worst.

Orange and yellow leaves are falling from the trees, there’s a cool crispness in the air, a fall breeze.

Pumpkins fill the fields and scarecrows stand tall. And with that, welcome to Halloween Country, one and all.

Of course, it’s Halloween all year long, and every day in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. The leaves are always falling strong, and there’s crispness in the air . . . even in the dark.

In the Pumpkin Patch up on Pumpkin Peak, there’s a never-ending supply of pumpkins growing. And even though they’re shopped every day all week, the pumpkins are always overflowing.

Back in Carver’s Corner, the Carver works on his creations. The pumpkins are always there, and so’s the Carver and all his relations.

The produce at The Stand tastes better this time of year. The apples on Apple Ranch are redder, the corn belonging to no finer ear.

In Pumpkin Goodie Gully, you can get pumpkin-flavored cookies, teas . . . pumpkin pie, pumpkin crackers and even pumpkin cheese.

Bring your best roast -- they’ll pumpkinize it on the spot. Take them old rats, toads and brains to boast -- they’ll add pumpkin flavor to all you’ve got.

It’s all the same, no matter when you go. Shine or rain, October’s best, you know.  

Visit the Corn Maze, give it a try. You’ll find creatures there since April, May, June and July.

It’s when you find the dead that you should worry. You may be too deep in the maze -- you better hurry.

It doesn’t help that the walls change and the paths close. There’s a right way to go, but nobody knows.

Tree Valley is always best in October, so stop by for a bite to eat. No need to sit down, it’s actually best to run. Because you’re the bite -- you’re the treat.

And when you get to the Halloween trees, full of jack-o’-lanterns and bumbling bees, you will know and you’ll know for good reason, it’s best to go during Halloween season.

Of course, it’s Halloween all year long in Jack-o’-Lantern Park, and it’s the same in the day and in the dark.

But during Halloween season, it’s just right. It’s even better on Halloween night.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

UFO Springs ‘Rot Spots’ -- these places all have good 'up' views

By Al Eean
Staff Skies Writer

Aliens from other worlds began attacking what we now call UFO Springs on April 8, 1948. The 15 years that followed, which became known as Big Bad Attack 1 (BBA1), would prove to be one of the bloodiest conflicts in Transyl-vein-ia’s history, even bloodier than the vampire wars of 1027 B.D. (Before Dracula).

Over three million extra-terrestrials would come down and attack . . . for fun. Over three million zombies and mutants of the Transyl-vein-ia Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces would defend their land . . . They had fun, too. But everyone and everything died by the time it was all over.

Today, E.T.s and natives live in harmony, and UFO Springs has become one of the top places to visit in Transyl-vein-ia.

Those who come to the Springs can walk through various forts and bunkers used during BBA1, examine an array of artillery pieces, explore the various museums and enjoy the views that the area’s defenders saw when UFOs and laser beams were raining down on them like the Great Rains did on Monster Island in ‘68.

History buffs will enjoy stepping foot inside Area 13 and checking out what’s left of the different types of aliens captured and autopsied there during the big attack. The carcasses have somehow not rotted away after all these years, but that doesn’t mean the smell won’t wipe you out on impact.

You can spend a whole night at Area 13. There are nightly tours of Pest Point Camp for the military, the Stage Roar Canteen (the famed restaurant and nightclub for native and allied servicemonsters of BBA1) never closes and several battlefields and other attack locations and preservation sites are open to the public.

Guests will enjoy UFO flybys, live cow abductions and military reenactments. But UFO Springs has plenty of other things to offer as well.

Below is a list of places to check out when you visit:

-Old MacDonald’s Farm (more comprehensive farm animal abductions than those at Area 13)

-Saucer Gazers Point

-Abduction Desert

-Podtown

-UFO Springs Launching Pad and Airway (be sure to check out the UFO Museum)

UFO Springs is a military town. When you arrive, be prepared to keep a tight schedule. But be sure to come in by bus. If you fly in, the natives tend to get a little jumpy and they’ll most likely shoot you out of the sky. No one wants another 15 years of warfare. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Valley of Doom ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- everything’s dead out here

By Death
Staff Gloom & Doom Writer

If your idea of a vacation to the Valley of Doom was a couple days or a week or two, and not the rest of your life, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone to Tombtown in the first place. Tough to get out of those bandages you’re wrapped in, especially when you’re inside a sarcophagus. It’s that plain and simple. Ah, the simple things . . .

You can holler and scream if you’d like, but it won’t do you any good. If you’re a werewolf, you might try to shred the bandages off your body with your teeth. That’ll work. The bandages aren’t so tough to get through. However, you’ll never get out of that casket. Those things hold in the worst curses.

And now you’ll never get to search for those ancient scrolls that are supposed to be buried somewhere in these parts. Folks say the scrolls hold the secrets to monster life. They might even tell you how to get out of that sarcophagus and those bandages you’re in.

But you’ll never know.

You’ll never be able to stop by the Valley Inn and Tennis Club. Located in the middle of the Valley in the middle of nowhere, the inn is one of the most famous resorts in Transyl-vein-ia.

Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, the Invisible Man, Medusa, Greta Witch and the Voodoo Queen have all been guests there at one time or another. Nighttime activities include golf, horseback riding, horseshoes, archery, Ping-Pong, shuffleboard, swimming, card tournaments and, of course, tennis -- all the things monsters like doing when they’re not wielding chainsaws, stomping on metropolises or sinking fangs into some poor victim’s neck. Each evening there’s dancing and entertainment. It’s a heck of a good time.

But you’ll never know.

You’ll never be able to hitch a ride from one of the big rigs cruising Hell’s Highway. You’ll never get a chance to stay at the Motel 666 (where they’ll turn the lights out on you).

Ah, the open highway -- it would’ve taken you out of the Valley of Doom. If you couldn’t thumb a ride, you would’ve had no problem finding a trucker to tag along with at El Diablo Truck Stop.

You would’ve been passing Fat Jack Manor by now. It’s right off the highway. Folks are always breaking down near the old place. They go to the door to ask to use a phone. Never mind all the cakes, candy, machetes and axes lying around. Just don’t call Jack fat, or . . .

It doesn’t matter. You’ll never know if you would’ve been one of the lucky ones to survive Fat Jack’s wrath. You’ll never know if you would’ve been one of the few to survive the demon trucks on that route either.

If only you didn’t stop in Tombtown. You could’ve been on Hell’s Highway. Although, according to legend, those who get onto Hell’s Highway never get off. It just keeps going and going and going in this endless valley. There are no u-turns, no right turns, no left turns . . . The highway is never-ending. Maybe you chose wisely by stopping off in Tombtown. Maybe you avoided a far worse fate.

But you’ll never know because you came to the Valley of Doom for the simple things. And now you’ve got the mummy’s curse for eternity. In other words: You're stuck here. There’s nothing complicated about that.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Valley of Doom ‘Hidden Harms’ -- they’re hiding in the middle of nowhere

By Death
Staff Gloom & Doom Writer

It’s the journey that matters, not the destination. But the destination is the Valley of Doom.

If you’ve spent the money on the plane ticket and you’ve already put down a deposit on the room at Doc Howliday’s Hotel and Saloon, then chances are you’ve come to realize the Valley of Doom is really just one big desert. Maybe you knew that coming in, but now you sure’s well know there isn’t a whole lot to do here.

Bear with me a moment. If life’s all about the journey and not the destination, then that means it’s the little things that count. And I got a slew of little things here just dying to eat you, and then some.

Here are a bunch of little great things you’ll find in the Valley of Doom that you’ll just love:

Clean shave

Stop by Butcher’s Barbershop and Meat Market in Border Basin for a clean shave. There’s nothing like it. Even if you plan on going nowhere for the next few months (and if you’re in the Valley of Doom, you ain’t goin’ nowhere for at least a few months), there’s something about a sharp blade against your skin (or scales, depending on your orientation) that really takes the cake. It’s when that blade gets to your neck and the barber slips . . . You can’t buy that kind of pleasure. (Getting butchered at Butcher’s, by the way, is $1.99.)

Food waiting for you

Stop by any hole-in-the-wall eatery in Border Basin, and you’ll smell food cooking. You’re very tired, you had a long day in the heat, and you haven’t got the energy to cook your own grub. Try the Broken Spoke. Can you smell that steak and those potatoes and beans? The food’s always waiting for you at your table. It’ll wait for you to sit down. Then it’ll jump up and get you in one big bite.

All eyes on you

Go into any saloon in Monster Mesa just outside of Border Basin, and all eyes are on you, stranger. The talking stops. The piano stops. Don’t you just love that silence? What follows is pretty much your destruction.

Boom!

The Monster Mountain Mine in Monster Mesa has a rickety ol’ railroad that’ll take you deep into the farthest depths of the mountain. Ghosts are at play in there. And bats come swooping down on you from every angle. The real pleasure comes when you hear that BOOM sound. Folks just love that racket, especially when there’s no time to get back out of the mine. Even the runaway mine train is nowhere to be found because it usually runs away while you’re admiring the rock formations inside the mountain. That BOOM sound is from the dynamiting. BOOOOOOOOM! BAM! CRASH! It’s the little things . . .

Echo

Out there in the Valley you can shout and hear your echo. It’s a child’s joy, but we all love doing it. However, I think we can all agree that it’s the growl that follows that makes us smile most, especially when it’s the actual growl you hear, not just the echo. The beast is close.

Waking up in the middle of nowhere

Just when you thought it was all a dream, you wake up from your heat exhaustion snooze and find yourself in the middle of the hottest desert anywhere, full of deadly predators and no water whatsoever. It’s a dream come true.

Dust

You’re in a mummy’s tomb somewhere in Tombtown. It’s full of cobwebs. And dust! Lots and lots of dust. There’s dust in your nose, dust in your throat, dust in your lungs . . . You can’t even breathe because there’s so much dust in you and all around you. Gesundheit. You’re welcome.

The flute

Ah, Mummy’s Marketplace in Tombtown -- it’s crowded with monsters buying and selling goods. Suddenly you hear that most pleasing sound: the flute. It makes such beautiful music. Those snakes coming out of the baskets near you are the real treats.

Amulet of Doom

There’s nothing like a night out at the Kafe Klaris in Tombtown (the famous mummy crooner, Klaris, just opened the swinging place a couple hundred years ago). Good food, good entertainment from the Klarisketeers . . . and good fortune from the Amulet of Doom, which is in your coat pocket. You may not even know it’s there until it’s too late. Good times.

Your bed all made up for you

It’s been a long day, you’ve had all the terrors and doom you can stand. You go into the Oasis in Tombtown for some rest and relief. There’s a bed made up for you. Don’t you love the feel of fresh sheets? And when the tombkeepers wrap you in all those bandages, and then the lid of the sarcophagus closes on you -- never to be opened again for all of eternity -- you know it’s all over. Talk about simple pleasures. Tony Bennett may’ve sung a song about leaving his heart in San Francisco, but if he were with you now in the Valley of Doom, he’d have a whole lot more to sing about leaving behind in this place. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.