Monster Island ‘Hidden Harms’ -- find lasting relationships

By Queen Kong
Staff Island Writer

Out here on Monster Island, it’s survival of the fittest. But it’s also a cold, dismal place to build some equally cold, dismal lifelong relationships. Social status, ability and wealth are never factors in meeting and enjoying time with cool beings out here.

If you find yourself stuck in Gorgon Gorge, you’ve no doubt met Medusa or one of her gorgon sisters. Given the ability to talk, be friendly and make a connection with the gorgon that ruined your life. Ask questions like, “Am I gonna be a statue forever?” But also ask questions about her life like, “Wow, how long does it take you to curl your snakes on your head each morning?” Add a compliment: “It’s downright horrendous.”

Don’t be surprised if she releases the curse from you and takes you into the Stone Palace to meet the minotaurs. These guys are beasts, so if you’re into corporate hotness and diversified stock portfolios, you may want to look elsewhere.

But if you and your new gorgon friend are new BFFs, go with anything she suggests regardless of your tastes. Hopefully she’ll get you a ticket to a show at the Coliseum. They have some great performances there like “Man vs. Beast,” and you might find what you’re looking for there.

Don’t just sit and watch the entertainment in the ring. Let your gorgon host know you want to mingle. Check out the concessions and stores in the building. You might bump into one of those pirates you met at Pirate Harbor when you first got to the island. They love the Dragon Dogs at the Coliseum and all the fixings, so you might try to connect over at the condiment station while they’re loading up on mustard, onions, relish and ranch dressing for their rum rings.

For those looking for female fiends, skip Gorgon Gorge altogether. You’ll do better at Mermaid Marina just between the Dragon Caves and Golem Rocks. Mermaid Marina is home to 1,000 bloodthirsty mermaids just waiting to meet someone like you. Go for a swim. Australia’s “down under” has nothing on this place.

If you get a moment or the chance to come up for air, how about an evening under the stars at Fairy Fountain of Youth and Wishing (Not) Well? It’s a popular hangout for those interested in seeing the underside of all the wishing wells in the human world. The dragons and golems from their nearby residences will most likely join you as it gets late.

Pennies fall up out of this well. These are coins that were dropped down on the human side, and you and others are able to snatch the coins and keep the wishes from coming true.

Some people on the human side jump into fountains of youth over there, which are also connected to this spot here on Monster Island. We just eat those imbeciles.

But you’ll find this to be a great opportunity to sit around, meet monsters, accept and celebrate your differences, and feel better about yourself and life in general. Go with it. Enjoy. That’s what you came to the island for.

As more and more monsters join in the fun, you’ll start to realize you’ve actually got more troubles and more idiots in your life now than ever before. You might eventually start thinking you didn’t have it all so bad in your place of origin after all.

Sometimes life (and even afterlife) on Monster Island can get so stressful and difficult that escape is the only option. That’s when you know it’s time to hug your newfound friends, say goodbye, and dream of all you’ve done.

Then run! 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.