Black Lagoon ‘Hidden Harms’ -- what lies beneath

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

The Black Lagoon hasn’t always been the beloved retirement community that it is today. Before that it was just a lagoon.

The body of water itself was around long before The Founder of Transyl-vein-ia ever stepped foot onto this great land, and it’s said to be deeper and more far-reaching than anyone or anything can even know (except for maybe the creatures of the Black Lagoon, who claim to have travelled the entire lagoon and it’s underground waterways in search of victims). According to creatures, the lagoon’s ducts and canals go under every bit of Transyl-vein-ia. Today, it’s the primary source of water to all 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia.

“I’m here to tell you that even the water flowing out of the geysers at Geyserland in Bigfoot National Park comes from my resources in the Black Lagoon,” said Del SpiderWebb, the developer of the Black Lagoon retirement community. “Even the monsters on Monster Island get their water from me. That’s because the Dead Sea that surrounds the isle is much cleaner than the lagoon, so we export our polluted water to them for their enjoyment.”

Shortly upon The Founder’s discovery of Transyl-vein-ia, “The” Creature from the Black Lagoon was said to have evolved from the waste and scum in the water. Sources said he grew up on the south end of the loch where other creatures were coming up.

“We did all the usual things little creatures from the Black Lagoon do,” The Creature said. “We growled at all hours of the day, went swimming on full stomachs, swam away from home . . . You know what I’m talking about.”

Yes we do.

That’s around the time when SpiderWebb and his gang of zombies, werewolves and mutants came to the area and saw the lagoon as a potential revenue stream. He believed that, if he could take over the area, he could be the sole provider of polluted water to the region.

“He basically came in and took what was rightfully the creatures’ water from right under their fins,” said The Founder. “He took it with great force and brutality. I know I speak for the majority of our citizens when I say, what a monster! And we’re proud to have him as part of our Transyl-vein-ian history.”

Today, monsterfolk can visit the site where SpiderWebb and his raiders landed at the east end of the Black Lagoon. There’s no carnage left to enjoy (that’s long been devoured), but there are monuments where key creatures and other water life were ended, and the flag that SpiderWebb placed in the sand still stands where he hoisted it up on the day he laid claim to the region.

The Mighty Spidey, the boat SpiderWebb used to navigate the waters as he was taking over the lagoon, can still be viewed to this day as well. The craft lies at the bottom of the western canal.

On the third day of his rule of the lagoon, SpiderWebb was out on the water admiring what had just become rightfully his when creatures attacked and took the Spidey to the lagoon floor. Now, each day, creatures will gladly pull you under to see the historic wreckage. You can even see many of SpiderWebb’s personal belongings of the time, including the dinnerware he used to eat flies while onboard the Spidey and even his favorite pillow that he slept on while overtaking the creatures.

Creatures of the Black Lagoon today don’t hold any grudges. Those who survived takeover are fine with what happened because SpiderWebb’s community brings them thousands of victims every year to relish. But at the time, creatures didn’t like being killed and didn’t care much for the way SpiderWebb had gone about stripping their water mass from them, so they did all they could to stop SpiderWebb, even sinking his boat in hopes of getting rid of him.

“I barely made it out of that attack alive,” SpiderWebb said on the incident. “But make it, I did. And I went on to create the biggest water empire in the history of any world.”

In a matter of a few short years, SpiderWebb developed a way to pipe water to the ever-expanding districts of Transyl-vein-ia. Then he met with the stewards and rulers of those neighboring lands and began negotiating deals to provide them his resource.

“A lot of these areas had their own water sources and they didn’t need to pay me to give them what they already had,” SpiderWebb said. “That was a problem.”

So SpiderWebb went into these areas with his goons and goblins and cleaned up all the water to the point where no monster could even bathe in the stuff. And he went back to negotiate deals so all the districts could have good, polluted water from the Black Lagoon.

The rest is history, and the Black Lagoon proudly shares this story through rare documents, artifacts and a really great video -- with interviews from those who brokered the great water deal of Transyl-vein-ia -- at the Black Lagoon Museum and Historical Society Building.

On the other side of the muddy, gator-filled path that runs through the courtyard of the museum is the Black Lagoon Water Agency, which is open to the public. There, monsters can see how the agency keeps the water so nasty and how they pump it all over Transyl-vein-ia.

“Monsters who come to our world from the human world don’t know,” SpiderWebb said, “but the stench that comes from our water is so rancid, you can’t help but fall in love with the place at first whiff. When I realized that, I got the idea to build what’s now the ultimate retirement community.”

Monsters of all the worlds who paid their dues and worked hard all their lives and afterlives deserve the best place to settle down for good. The stench in the Black Lagoon area was stronger than any other place, and it was an instant draw to those looking for a place to retire.

“It’s never been a question of whether ghosts and goblins want to retire here in my community as opposed to somewhere else,” SpiderWebb said. “It’s always been a question of whether they want to retire to begin with.”

SpiderWebb, the entrepreneur that he is, spared no expense (in money or lives) to fill his community with retirees. He goes out of his way every year to “convince” monsters that they want to call it quits. It’s a story for another time.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.