This Halloween will have one less monster to perform the 'monster carry'

WITCHES MEADOW -- A swamp monster heading into the human world for the Halloween season to scare people will not perform the “monster carry” of his victims, even though he’ll be paid as a carrier. According to a Transylveinya Workmonster’s Comp. representative, the slimy beast is to be on light duty the entire season. Other carriers in the carrier union are upset. “He’s done this same thing every year for the past six seasons,” said a member of the monsterhood. “He’s always claiming his back is hurt, saying he can’t carry his victims like the rest of us do, and then he gets assigned light duty, but he still gets paid the carrier rate. Come Christmastime, he’s back in his swamp, throwing his kids on his shoulders, moving furniture around and bowling. He’s working the system, and it’s pretty lowdown, even for a monster who lurks around in the muck.” In addition to the swamp monster not doing the monster carry this year, according to his restrictions paperwork, he won’t be jumping out of any shadowy spaces, chasing anyone or making any sudden moves at all. The scummy thing told reporters he’d be a set of glowing eyes in a bush somewhere in Middle America. That’s your tax dollars at work.

Black Lagoon ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- learning how to live the retired afterlife

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

Monsters have a hard time coming to the decision to retire.

That’s why Del SpiderWebb, the developer behind the Black Lagoon retirement community, and his team of retirementeers are scattered throughout Transyl-vein-ia recruiting those who aren’t even interested in retiring, but who eventually will be all for it.

Taking their posts at train stations, airports and rocket landing fields everywhere, SpiderWebb’s retirementeers greet the hundreds of arriving vacationers at curbside with free bus rides to the Black Lagoon Sanitarium. Many monsters will say they’re on their way to seek out the gems and jewels of the Carpathian Mountains or to run with the werewolves in Werewolftown.

Action and adventure isn’t exactly what these vacationers need, the retirementeers will tell them. Most monsters, they say, if they’re on vacation, are too sick.

If you’re in your 100s, 200s or older, it’s time to start thinking about moving beyond the scare-focused life you’ve led. It’s time to settle down and think about scaring recreationally.

SpiderWebb and his team have found that most ghouls and goblins considering retirement have the following two conflicting thoughts about calling it quits:

1) Enthusiasm -- “I’ll finally get to reap the rewards from my decades and decades and decades and decades of scaring.”

2) Fear (not the good kind) -- “What will I do when I retire, and will I be successful?”

The above simultaneous thoughts push monsters toward retirement and pull them away from it all at the same time. And while that painful tug of war with your body might sound like fun, it’s really quite the dilemma, especially for all you scare-a-holics out there.

Those monsters who just can’t stop scaring and wreaking havoc on the world have to realize that life isn’t over (it never ends if you’re a monster -- you know this), especially if you settle down in the Black Lagoon.

Take, for example, the Brunch Cruise on the Lagoon. Sounds boring if all you want to do is scare, right? Think again. The Brunch Cruise allows guests the opportunity to stop off during various parts of the journey to visit and terrorize humans on the shores who are innocently picnicking. Talk about a blast. The cruise also stops all boats carrying humans so that guests can capsize these crafts and send people deep into the various abysses of the lagoon. Can it get more fun than that?

You might think the Bingo halls in the many Black Lagoon recreation centers are all about playing Bingo. Well, they are. That’s because Bingo is fun, especially if you’re a brain-dead zombie, so check that out.

But SpiderWebb will tell you new retirees tend to mostly enjoy the classes that the Black Lagoon has to offer. Monsters grappling with the idea of retirement are stuck wanting to accomplish bigger scares. That’s why SpiderWebb and his team offer learning opportunities -- to fill that gap.

Go to any recreation center in the community and you’ll find all sorts of educational opportunities. One of the more popular courses to take is tomb engraving. Students enjoy coming up with their own epitaphs and even those for their children and little grandchildren and their little grandchildren. They make for excellent birthday gifts and Christmas presents. Seriously, how excited would you be to unwrap a customized headstone as it pertains to your demise or, better, someone else’s demise?

Black Lagoon apparitions can also take classes on how to be wall monsters. Many ghosts may find it easy going through a wall from one room to the next, but contrary to belief, it’s actually a difficult task to move vertically through the wall from one story to another. When you think about it, don’t we all typically take the stairs? At Wall Monster Manor in Haunted Mansion Row, expert wall monsters from the human world will show you how to “up” (and down) your spooking game.

Many of those monsters contemplating retirement might ask, “Why would anyone need to learn all this stuff if we’re just retiring?”

Here’s why: The Black Lagoon is filled with portals to the human world, so you’re not ending your scaring at all.

SpiderWebb spared no expense when he was developing his retirement community. He flew in covens of witches on their brooms from Witches Meadow to install year-round portals in all Black Lagoon homes so that monsters, ghouls and goblins can hop into the human world at their leisure to scare people, then return when they’ve had their fun.

According to SpiderWebb and his retirementeers, monsters no longer have to be stuck haunting the same folks in the same setting forever and ever. Instead, they can do it on their own time. That’s the benefit of retirement that SpiderWebb is selling.

But some creatures just won’t change. And that’s just one more reason, according to SpiderWebb and company, for them to retire to the Black Lagoon. These types of monsters are sick in the friggin’ head.

And so, a free bus to the Black Lagoon Sanitarium makes good sense after all. When retirementeers grab and drag you into their transports, they’ll first take you to Bayou Landing at the entrance to the Black Lagoon for some more convincing.

Those who can withstand the many tortures there and who can remain adamantly against signing Black Lagoon retirement agreements are typically tossed into Thing Swap, and the various swamp things there will make one last attempt to convert you into a retiree before they do away with you permanently. That or they send you to the Cypresses where mad doctors simply turn you and others like you into alligator people. You lose all ability to think freely and you then just go where you’re told.

In the end, you all sign those Black Lagoon residency papers, and you board the bus again for the Sanitarium where you’ll be pronounced mad.

To be dead or mad -- that is the life!

The Black Lagoon is now offering residences for new retirees. Buses are standing by. Will you board?

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Black Lagoon ‘Hidden Harms’ -- what lies beneath

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

The Black Lagoon hasn’t always been the beloved retirement community that it is today. Before that it was just a lagoon.

The body of water itself was around long before The Founder of Transyl-vein-ia ever stepped foot onto this great land, and it’s said to be deeper and more far-reaching than anyone or anything can even know (except for maybe the creatures of the Black Lagoon, who claim to have travelled the entire lagoon and it’s underground waterways in search of victims). According to creatures, the lagoon’s ducts and canals go under every bit of Transyl-vein-ia. Today, it’s the primary source of water to all 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia.

“I’m here to tell you that even the water flowing out of the geysers at Geyserland in Bigfoot National Park comes from my resources in the Black Lagoon,” said Del SpiderWebb, the developer of the Black Lagoon retirement community. “Even the monsters on Monster Island get their water from me. That’s because the Dead Sea that surrounds the isle is much cleaner than the lagoon, so we export our polluted water to them for their enjoyment.”

Shortly upon The Founder’s discovery of Transyl-vein-ia, “The” Creature from the Black Lagoon was said to have evolved from the waste and scum in the water. Sources said he grew up on the south end of the loch where other creatures were coming up.

“We did all the usual things little creatures from the Black Lagoon do,” The Creature said. “We growled at all hours of the day, went swimming on full stomachs, swam away from home . . . You know what I’m talking about.”

Yes we do.

That’s around the time when SpiderWebb and his gang of zombies, werewolves and mutants came to the area and saw the lagoon as a potential revenue stream. He believed that, if he could take over the area, he could be the sole provider of polluted water to the region.

“He basically came in and took what was rightfully the creatures’ water from right under their fins,” said The Founder. “He took it with great force and brutality. I know I speak for the majority of our citizens when I say, what a monster! And we’re proud to have him as part of our Transyl-vein-ian history.”

Today, monsterfolk can visit the site where SpiderWebb and his raiders landed at the east end of the Black Lagoon. There’s no carnage left to enjoy (that’s long been devoured), but there are monuments where key creatures and other water life were ended, and the flag that SpiderWebb placed in the sand still stands where he hoisted it up on the day he laid claim to the region.

The Mighty Spidey, the boat SpiderWebb used to navigate the waters as he was taking over the lagoon, can still be viewed to this day as well. The craft lies at the bottom of the western canal.

On the third day of his rule of the lagoon, SpiderWebb was out on the water admiring what had just become rightfully his when creatures attacked and took the Spidey to the lagoon floor. Now, each day, creatures will gladly pull you under to see the historic wreckage. You can even see many of SpiderWebb’s personal belongings of the time, including the dinnerware he used to eat flies while onboard the Spidey and even his favorite pillow that he slept on while overtaking the creatures.

Creatures of the Black Lagoon today don’t hold any grudges. Those who survived takeover are fine with what happened because SpiderWebb’s community brings them thousands of victims every year to relish. But at the time, creatures didn’t like being killed and didn’t care much for the way SpiderWebb had gone about stripping their water mass from them, so they did all they could to stop SpiderWebb, even sinking his boat in hopes of getting rid of him.

“I barely made it out of that attack alive,” SpiderWebb said on the incident. “But make it, I did. And I went on to create the biggest water empire in the history of any world.”

In a matter of a few short years, SpiderWebb developed a way to pipe water to the ever-expanding districts of Transyl-vein-ia. Then he met with the stewards and rulers of those neighboring lands and began negotiating deals to provide them his resource.

“A lot of these areas had their own water sources and they didn’t need to pay me to give them what they already had,” SpiderWebb said. “That was a problem.”

So SpiderWebb went into these areas with his goons and goblins and cleaned up all the water to the point where no monster could even bathe in the stuff. And he went back to negotiate deals so all the districts could have good, polluted water from the Black Lagoon.

The rest is history, and the Black Lagoon proudly shares this story through rare documents, artifacts and a really great video -- with interviews from those who brokered the great water deal of Transyl-vein-ia -- at the Black Lagoon Museum and Historical Society Building.

On the other side of the muddy, gator-filled path that runs through the courtyard of the museum is the Black Lagoon Water Agency, which is open to the public. There, monsters can see how the agency keeps the water so nasty and how they pump it all over Transyl-vein-ia.

“Monsters who come to our world from the human world don’t know,” SpiderWebb said, “but the stench that comes from our water is so rancid, you can’t help but fall in love with the place at first whiff. When I realized that, I got the idea to build what’s now the ultimate retirement community.”

Monsters of all the worlds who paid their dues and worked hard all their lives and afterlives deserve the best place to settle down for good. The stench in the Black Lagoon area was stronger than any other place, and it was an instant draw to those looking for a place to retire.

“It’s never been a question of whether ghosts and goblins want to retire here in my community as opposed to somewhere else,” SpiderWebb said. “It’s always been a question of whether they want to retire to begin with.”

SpiderWebb, the entrepreneur that he is, spared no expense (in money or lives) to fill his community with retirees. He goes out of his way every year to “convince” monsters that they want to call it quits. It’s a story for another time.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Black Lagoon ‘Rot Spots' -- the Del SpiderWebb experience for retirees

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

Located close to the alligator-infested swamps and the Stench Quarter with its rotting zombies, and boasting incredible views of the world’s most popular lagoon and the creatures bathing there, the Black Lagoon (a Del SpiderWebb retirement community) provides a sought-after lifestyle with haunted homes that feature creaky designs, creepy old crypts and bad weather year-round.

Set against the backdrop that inspired New Orleans and the bayous in the human world, Del SpiderWebb offers residences, for 105-year-olds and older, in communities that promote active retirements.

“World-class amenities,” SpiderWebb said, “and the fact that our community is constantly buzzing with activities, clubs, classes and events -- that make living in the Black Lagoon a fun and exciting environment for active adult monsters and ghosts -- were two reasons why the Black Lagoon was voted the No. 1 place to go to retire for 200 years straight.”

Those who dwell in the Black Lagoon tell others not to be left out in the sunlight. The community still has plenty of room for more kooks and creeps, offering an enviable line-up of resort-style amenities, including 13 golf courses, six recreation centers, six toxic bathing ponds and six worship centers. There’s also a hospital at the Cypresses in Boo Bayou where doctors can do even more hideous things to your looks.

But according to SpiderWebb, the Black Lagoon isn’t a place you visit for fun.

“You don’t come here for a leisurely vacation,” he said. “You come here to find and buy a home.”

The Black Lagoon gets ghouls, goblins, werewolves and zombies from all over Transyl-vein-ia who are looking to take up residency in one of the many dingy homes on Haunted Mansion Row, a place where they can ply their trade of slinking around dark halls, practicing their terror and raising the dead.

“When we set out to build our housing tracts over 200 years ago,” said homebuilder Jerry Rig, “we put homebuyers at the forefront of the design process. The home designs are the result of extensive consumer research and analysis of buyer feedback that, in the end, we ignored but were glad to have done anyway. We instead took on the challenge of coming up with what we thought would best reflect the way monsters and ghosts would want to experience life and the afterlife.”

Over 70 percent of the consumers polled said they wanted to have their space. So SpiderWebb and company built the structures in Haunted Mansion Row on top of each other.

“We’ve got several different design layouts homebuyers are able to choose from,” SpiderWebb said. “And so far they’ve worked for all kinds of spirits. Take for example the haunter over at the Red Room Estate. He couldn’t be happier. About 100 years ago, he turned over his scaring duties in the top tower of the Haunted Hotel in the Carpathian Mountains to his son, and he’s now doing his red room routine recreationally in the tower of his own home. He chose the Haunted House With Tower design, which is probably our most popular model.”

There’s also the Haunted House With Conservatory design that man-eating plants typically choose to make their home. They love sitting in the glass room, just growing there all day and eating any unsuspecting guests.

All of the designs include cemeteries.

“About 60 percent of the consumers we polled said they wanted their own graveyards,” SpiderWebb said. “We actually listened to that request and, as a result, each home has its own, fully stocked cemetery.”

More than 90 percent of the ghouls and goblins questioned in that same poll said they had no interest in an entertaining atmosphere. That’s when the creators of the Black Lagoon got to work on Transyl-vein-ia’s best flow of eating and entertainment spaces that could provide residents the ideal setting for entertaining family and friends, which is right down the street from the housing.

The now-popular Stench Quarter is full of some of the most amazing restaurants with the most awful food you’ll ever taste.

“We pride ourselves in our brains here in the Quarter,” said Chef Gore May. “We even serve chicken, which many will tell you tastes like brains.”

The Quarter is also a not-so-lively place to go. Nothing is alive there. Zombies roam there night and day in their dead-alive state, finding joy in anything that moves.

The entertainment in the Quarter is top-notch.

“There’s nothing like shrieks and moans set to ragtime piano,” said popular ragtime ghoul Art Aitum. “I play at the Ghost Club down in the Quarter, and the walkers milling around there seem to howl and groan anytime I play a good old-fashioned rag.”

Then there’s the annual Mardi Gr-AHHHH! Festival, reflecting the practice of the last night of eating richer, fatty brains before the ritual of eating them again the next night. Annual? The event is so popular they have it every day.

The most popular attraction in the Black Lagoon, however, is the lagoon itself. Made even more popular by the human world’s recreation of the lagoon in the Amazon for the movie “The Creature from the Black Lagoon,” the original Black Lagoon here boasts the greatest swimming areas at Creature Cove.

“We built fun ‘land features’ like beaches and resorts filled with people for creatures to attack,” SpiderWebb said. “And we have boats like the tramp steamer, Rita, that creatures can climb onto for the helpless prey onboard. They can pull any of those victims down into the mysterious depths of the lagoon for all the fun they can imagine.”

Creature Cove, SpiderWebb added, is one more example of how he and his Black Lagoon developers pride themselves in spending no money on capital improvements each year to ensure the amenities remain dangerous and enviable to all, and so that the community stays behind the trends that newer communities think are so great.

“We’re proud of what we’ve built here,” SpiderWebb said. “I’m not just the developer of this community. I’m also a resident. If you come check us out, we think you’d find it to be a place you’d love to call home, too.” 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.