Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer
They
all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates
running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were
disgusted.
As
in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood
banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local
waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring
more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds,
Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.
“The
way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The
Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News).
“They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions,
there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”
At
one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the
Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t
even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the
head. He stuck to the issues instead.
“Is
this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost.
“Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last
night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”
Maybe
the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with
his slaying policies.
“I
hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV.
“Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done
in the end.”
The
audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.
“They
both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re
vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say
anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go
through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you
just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he
was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”
By
the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking
questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what
critics are calling hurt feelings.
“President
Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever
had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his
debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator
and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the
kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like
conduct.”
Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall
debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll
have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this
time around. We’ll just have to see.
