Bigfoot National Park bus driver gets lost for hours, passengers thrilled

BIGFOOT NATIONAL PARK -- A red line bus full of tourists in Bigfoot National Park heading for Yeti Springs left Lodgers Square at about 11:30 last night and went missing for several hours.

The driver, a brain-dead zombie, somehow lost his way.

“When the bus failed to show up at my stop,” said red line employee Large Feet, who was at the Yeti Springs depot waiting, “we just wrote it off as the bus falling off the embankment above the Mighty River because that road’s in pretty bad shape. We’ve lost many buses that way.”

But the brain-dead zombie driver didn’t even make it that far, according to park officials. They’re guessing the driver made a series of wrong turns somewhere near the Ghost Glaciers and ended up who knows where.

“We discovered the bus in an undesignated part of the park,” said one of the park rangers. “It might’ve even been in another dimension. When we tried to lead them back to familiar ground, the driver and his passengers decided they preferred being lost. So we left them wherever they were, and somehow found our way back to our rangers post.”

Now the bus is officially gone forever. Park rangers said they wouldn’t even be able to figure out how to get back to where they were even if they wanted to, which they don’t. It was a fluke they got there in the first place.

“Family and loved ones of the souls aboard the lost bus were overjoyed with the outcome,” Feet said. “What monster wouldn’t be pleased with such horrific news?”

Bigfoot National Park ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- kiss the road back goodbye

By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer

If you survived your first 12 or more hours in Bigfoot National Park, make sure you get some sleep. You’ll need the rest if you’re going to have any chance of escaping.

But don’t forget that back at Camp Slasher Psycho, where you have your bed, you’ve still got all those restless teens running around doing what they’re not supposed to be doing. Most monsters put in a couple hours of Torture-A-Teen before turning in, but, as stated previously, you’re going to need all the rest you can get, so you may want to reconsider.

Be advised: Just because you’re no longer at Lake Larry, doesn’t mean the latrines in other areas are safe, Camp Slasher Psycho included. The Larry Monster uses a complicated, very extensive underground network of sewage lines to move between most latrines in the park, and he’s just waiting for someone to take a seat. Don’t do it. Do as those in the wild do.

And speaking of the wildlife, you might spy with your little eye (or your one giant eye, depending on your orientation) those cute, cuddly little man-eating squirrels scurrying around the park. Stay the heck away from those devilish things. Lucky for you they can’t eat an entire man in one bite, despite what “man-eating squirrels” might sound like to you, but their hordes or brothers and sisters leave no morsels behind.

On second thought, put a collar on one of them if you can, and let it loose in the park. Then hang a leash over one of the leash law signs, which you’ll find everywhere, and hang out there for a while like you’ve taken your pet man-eating squirrel off its restraint and let it roam the area. That really ticks off Bigfoot and you won’t have to go to him -- he’ll come to you.

Last year, the sasquatch told park authorities that he was sick and tired of guests taking their pets off their leashes, so he had the park put up leash law signs. When no one enforced the laws (because there actually weren’t any laws, just signs), ‘foot took measures of his own and began treating pets off their leashes like hors d’oeuvres. He still likes the signs. He uses the posts as toothpicks after he’s “enforced the rules.”

A good place to set your bait is over at the Yeti Hot Springs. They’ve got a bunch of leash law signs over there because ‘foot spends a considerable amount of time in the springs and he likes to see the signs wherever he goes. He likes the springs because he has a bad back and the warm water is very calming for him. Just don’t let him catch you trying to catch a glimpse of him. He’ll bury you in the geothermal heated groundwater.

You definitely want to steer clear of the nearby canyons, so be sure not to set up your bait there. If he catches you trying to catch a glimpse of him in that locale, he’ll throw you down into the bottom of those canyons. It’s a long way down.

If he catches you trying to catch a glimpse of him near The Mighty Peaks (Bigfoot National Park’s mighty mountain range), no, he won’t throw you to the top. He has a bad back, remember? But you should steer clear of the Mighty Peaks and the Mighty River below -- that’s where the Davy Crockett’s Ghost haunts.

It’s not that Crockett’s Ghost is scary. It’s just that once he gets a hold of your ear, he never stops talking. In his tell-all book, “It Wasn’t a Bear; It Was Friggin’ Bigfoot,” he claims he didn’t kill a bear when he was only 3. He says he killed Bigfoot, and he wants to tell everyone and anyone all about it. Oh, and he wants to tell you all about how he fought saucers in real life, not Native Americans. Believe what you want to believe. He fought Native Americans. And he never killed Bigfoot. Bigfoot is alive and well . . . except for the bad back.

Wherever you end up in the park, set out your squirrel and leash bait, and then listen. You’ll hear ‘foot -- his stomp is mighty. Sometimes you can hear him and never see him. Look for the footprints -- they’re big. Have patience because you may be there a while and you won’t be getting any rest. Which reminds me . . .

Didn’t I tell you to get some rest? Get back to Camp Slasher Psycho and turn in. Lights out!

You’ll hear a loud ruckus coming from the Chainsaw Residence on the other side of the lake near Transyl-vein-ia Creek. Screams, maniacal laughing, lots of chainsaw carnage . . . Some monsters actually have a hard time falling asleep to those kinds of relaxing disturbances. But once you do eventually drift off . . .

The Nightmare Man will pay a visit. If you thought Freddy had the market on nightmares, guess who trained him?

In the rare case you wake up, it’s best to pick up quickly and go. By this time, most everything in the park will know you’re there and you can kiss your life (or afterlife), as you know it, goodbye -- for real this time.

The park buses will start arriving at camp when it’s too late. However, if you happen to be there when one shows up, get on and tell the driver to hit the gas. If he takes you back to Lodgers Square where your journey began, consider yourself lucky -- you made it. If you pull up to Loggers Landing and Tackle Shack, consider yourself bait -- plain and simple. Good news is you just caught your first glimpse of Bigfoot. He’s the one that’ll be making bait out of you, so it’ll also be your last glimpse. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Bigfoot National Park ‘Hidden Harms’ -- if you’re here, you’ll be hard to find, too

By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer

You’ve got your Bigfoot hunting license, a full stomach, you’re geared up and you may’ve even purchased one of those 103” Bigfoot stuffed animal toys, which make the Costco bears look like kid stuff. You can officially call yourself a Footer.

Now it’s time to get in line for one of the park buses to take you into Bigfoot’s playground and on your way to finding the most popular yeti of all time.

Buses usually show up right on the hour. Except they’re always late. In the meantime, enjoy the Bigfoot Finders Festival right there in Lodgers Square. You’ll see the banners everywhere: “Long Live ‘foot” and “Bigfoot or Bust,” they read. Monsters from all over Transyl-vein-ia will be singing Bigfoot carols. Take advantage of the Bigfoot snack carts in the square, which offer some of the best goodies, like Bigfoot gummies, chocolate Bigfoot bars and Bigfoot fungus. Yum!

When your bus arrives, it’s first come, first serve. To get a seat, you must claw, shred, bite, cast a wicked witch spell (which reminds me: No witches allowed in Bigfoot National Park -- go see the ranger immediately to be thrown into the Tar Pits) . . . All others should do whatever they can to get a ride. Werewolves are required to travel in a trailer -- they’ve torn up the upholstery on one too many bus seats in the past. If you’re a werewolf and there’s no trailer on the bus, ask your driver a special accommodation, and if he has no trailer to hook up, he’ll gladly throw you into the Tar Pits.

Once you’ve taken your seat aboard the bus, your driver will shut the doors and pull away. He’ll take you into the park by way of Bigfoot Falls. It’s a stunning view, especially as you go over the falls.

Once you’re in the park, be on the lookout for Bigfoot. He could be anywhere. Your bus driver will drop you off at Camp Slasher Psycho. That’s where you Footers will set up camp.

You’ll be happy to discover that the human campers you’ll be sharing the grounds with are dumber and more reckless than ever, which means, for all you hockey mask-wearing guys and gals out there, you’ll have your work cut out for you.

I recommend setting up camp promptly and getting on your way. There’s no time for rest and rel-axe-ation. You’re certainly not going to catch a glimpse of Bigfoot sitting (or slitting) around.

There are several trails leading out of Camp Slasher Psycho. Take any of them. Every trail leads you into dangerous wildlife corridors.

You may end up in Killer Bee Bend where yellow jackets the size of baseballs use their lethal stingers to play darts with your head.

Or you may run into Lake Larry, where the Loch Ness Monster has been seen practicing his backstroke. Hopefully, you filled up on coffee while waiting for your bus earlier in the day so you’ll be forced to use the larry (a.k.a. the latrine) near the lake’s pier. If you had nightmares of finding Bigfoot, kiss that possibility goodbye. The Larry Monster loves suckers like you. He sucks you right down into the toilet. He loves that coffee filling inside of you.

There’s also a trail that takes you to the Ghost Glaciers. You guessed it -- the ice is haunted. Not only do these slowly moving rivers of ice collapse and send guests into the freezing cold water below, but ghosts do their best to hold you under. It’s one of the perks. If you’re an ice monster, take advantage of the fantastic swimming possibilities.

Wherever you end up, chances are you haven’t seen a clue of Bigfoot’s presence. That’s because he’s hard to find. And he may be on to you.

Those of you who purchased the Bigfoot Survival Guide (which is still available on my website for a mere $6.66), you’ll know you should’ve been limited to a strict lemon juice-diluted-with-water diet for the past two weeks to eliminate your body odor so Bigfoot can’t smell you. If you drank the coffee in Lodgers Square while waiting for the bus, remember, you didn’t make it past the Larry Monster anyway, so it doesn’t matter. But if Bigfoot doesn’t smell you, you may be getting close.

Be quiet . . . Listen . . . Can you hear him? Can you smell his DQ Blizzard-breath? That might be him.

If it’s not him, you might’ve wasted your money on this trip. Even if you find him, it doesn’t matter, because if you’ve made it this far into the park, you’ll never make it out to tell anyone about it. The real fun is still to come.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Bigfoot National Park ‘Rot Spots’ -- to do before entering sasquatch country

By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer

There are plenty of things you must do in Bigfoot National Park before you go hunting for Bigfoot, and there are no mummies or magicians allowed.

Let’s get this out of the way right away: Mummies are too slow and too much of a liability in these parts, and magicians will be able to find Bigfoot too fast, ruining the entire adventure business that’s booming out here.

Bigfoot National Park is home of many yetis. But there’s only one Bigfoot, and he spends his time between here, the human world in national parks all over, and the portals he uses between the two dimensions.

Will you be the first to get real proof of him? I’ve personally interviewed ‘foot for this publication, but nobody believes me. They just print my words for the fun of it.

You’ll arrive at Lodger's Square in Lodging Town at the base of the park. Step into Footers Lodge (home of the Bigfoot Burger and the 103" Bigfoot stuffed animal toy) and see the ranger at the front desk. He’ll put you on the right track to prepare for your Bigfoot hunt.

The first thing you’ll need is a Bigfoot hunting license. Once you fill out the application (if you can’t write because you’re a blob or a winged creature with no hands, we have park volunteers who can assist), go get yourself something to eat. Because it’ll take the lodge staff a couple of hours to decide whether you’re a mummy, a magician or not.

Right there in Lodging Town is Kimo’s Mai Tai and Fresh Seafood Ranch, the best seafood you’ll find on any ranch (with lots of bugs on the ranch and on the fish). How fresh is Kimo’s? You’ll see his boat out front, still dripping wet (no one is sure what’s actually dripping off that boat). He gets fresh fish daily. Don’t forget to try his world famous “Shark,” a Mai Tai with teeth. Actual teeth.

Once you’ve had enough to eat (or you’ve had enough of the bugs eating you), head on over to the Tar Pits. No, your license still won’t be ready. But the three tar ladies in the pits will be more than happy to see you.

Don’t get too close -- the ladies may pull you in with them and you may not need that license after all. Stand at a safe distance and listen to the ladies howl and wail and moan in agony. It’s always a tuneful, heartwarming performance.

Your license still won’t be ready, so follow the little logging road past Kimo’s, past Loggers Landing and Tackle Shack, across Broken Bridge over the Ravine of Death (much worse than Busted Bridge in Witches Meadow) and into Geyserland. It’s a fun spot for the kids.

Geyserland is a spring characterized by intermittent discharges of deadly, boiling water ejected turbulently from various points in the ground and accompanied by toxic steam. Yes, these geysers are most definitely fun for the kids. Try to put the little tots on a geyser hole before it blasts its mighty gush of poison.

After that, make your way back to Footers Lodge. Your license still won’t be ready, but you still have to gear up. Check in with the ranger again at the front desk. He’ll link you up with one of the park’s experts to get you outfitted for your upcoming adventure through the park.

Here’s typically what you’ll need before you go in search of Bigfoot:

-Bigfoot Survival Guide (This is essential for your adventure. All proceeds go to me. I wrote it.)

-Camouflaged/dark clothing (It may cost more to get the DQ camo, but it’s worth it. It comes with images of DQ Blizzard cups, which fits right in with all the empty DQ Blizzard cups strewn about the park. ‘foot loves Blizzards.)

-War paint (This doesn’t work so well on werewolves, fiery demons and blobs.)

-Sleeping bags for your party (The Lodge offers a wide variety of beddings, including roll-up coffins for all you vampires out there.)

-GPS (You don’t want to get lost in Bigfoot Country. No one will be able to find you because GPS units don’t work out here.)

-Deer urine (This is for attraction. ‘foot loves deer urine.)

-Rope (This is imperative. Because you can’t gear up without a big spool of rope to hang around your belt.)

-Bear mace (This does nothing to Bigfoot, but there are plenty of bears in the park you may come across. Bears want something to do, too, and the idea of you trying to defend yourself with a little can of spray is always amusing to them before they rip your face off. Please, feed the bears.)

-Video recording device (You’ve come all this way to see Bigfoot. You’ll want something to document him. ‘foot also wants something to do, and the idea of you trying to capture him on video is always amusing to him before he rips your face off. ‘foot can’t survive off DQ Blizzards alone.)

-Flare gun (This shoots fiery flares into the sky for signaling distress. Note: Smokey the Bear uses the same portals Bigfoot uses between the monster world and the human world. He finds you shooting fiery flares in the forest, he’ll rip your face off. Cancel the flare gun.)

-Cell phone (If you must call for help, use a cell phone. Cell service is terrible in the park. You can still play video games on the phone while the danger closes in on you.)

-Lighter (Good for building fires to keep warm and heat up your food. See comments on flare gun as it regards to fires in the park.)

-Flashlight (It gets dark in the park. You can make really cool shadow animals on the trees with a really good, bright flashlight.)

-Tent (This is the last thing to pack, only because you may not survive long enough to ever use it. If it’s too much to carry after you’ve loaded up with all the previous gear, consider leaving the tent at the Lodge.)

You may also want to carry along a net gun, first aid kit, night vision goggles, stun gun, fishing rods, tackle, water purification system, insect repellent, explosives and a watch. None of these things won’t keep you alive and they most likely won’t help you catch Bigfoot. But it all sounds really cool as the gear bangs together on your body while you navigate the woods.

Your Bigfoot hunting license should be ready by the time you get all that equipment and paraphernalia on. If you can move, go back to the ranger at the front desk and collect your card. He’ll take your picture, print it on the license. Or he’ll toss you into the Tar Pits if he suspects you’re a mummy or a magician. Remember: No mummies or magicians allowed in the park. And no wizards either, while we're at it.

If he presents you with your license, congratulations, you’re what the park calls a Footer. You can now head on out to the Bus Loading Zone.

These buses are the only way into the park. All other vehicles or modes of transportation are off limits. Don’t get caught trying to enter any other way, in which case, see comments on what happens if the ranger suspects you’re a mummy, magician or a wizard.

Buses leave every hour, on the hour into the park. You Footers should line up at the ramp and prepare for the time of your lives. It’ll be the last time of your lives.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.