Mad scientist loses child at fest-evil

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

WITCHES MEADOW -- A mad scientist lost her hand-made child at the annual Witching Hour Fest-evil this evening. Just before the actual Witching Hour ceremonies at midnight when witches open the Great Portals to the human world so monsters, ghouls and goblins can start heading into the human world for the Halloween season, the child went missing. Record crowds began showing up in Spell Willows Tuesday night for Media Night and aided in the confusion. Monsters of all kinds mobbed their way into Wicked Forest and to the Black Cauldron Encampment and the Great Portals around 10 this evening, and in doing so, crushed several creatures against trees, rock walls, various structures and into the ground as the masses grew by the hundreds in what’s being dubbed “the monster revolution.” The mad scientist that lost her baby was hysterical with tears when she turned and couldn’t find her kid. “I’m so happy for the little guy,” she said. “I only wish I was able to experience such dread and separation when I was too young to crawl.” The young mother was planning more acts of terror for others to try to withstand this Halloween season as she lined up to be transported into the human world. This mad scientist with all her carelessness has proven once again that the natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. Let the generous acts of scaring begin.

Bigfoot National Park bus driver gets lost for hours, passengers thrilled

BIGFOOT NATIONAL PARK -- A red line bus full of tourists in Bigfoot National Park heading for Yeti Springs left Lodgers Square at about 11:30 last night and went missing for several hours.

The driver, a brain-dead zombie, somehow lost his way.

“When the bus failed to show up at my stop,” said red line employee Large Feet, who was at the Yeti Springs depot waiting, “we just wrote it off as the bus falling off the embankment above the Mighty River because that road’s in pretty bad shape. We’ve lost many buses that way.”

But the brain-dead zombie driver didn’t even make it that far, according to park officials. They’re guessing the driver made a series of wrong turns somewhere near the Ghost Glaciers and ended up who knows where.

“We discovered the bus in an undesignated part of the park,” said one of the park rangers. “It might’ve even been in another dimension. When we tried to lead them back to familiar ground, the driver and his passengers decided they preferred being lost. So we left them wherever they were, and somehow found our way back to our rangers post.”

Now the bus is officially gone forever. Park rangers said they wouldn’t even be able to figure out how to get back to where they were even if they wanted to, which they don’t. It was a fluke they got there in the first place.

“Family and loved ones of the souls aboard the lost bus were overjoyed with the outcome,” Feet said. “What monster wouldn’t be pleased with such horrific news?”