Firing squad kills an Igor for unsafe lab practices

By Anita Beeker

Staff Labs & Lasers Writer

 

A firing squad executed an Igor last night in the Mad Science District for unsafe lab practices. It seems the inept lab assistant didn’t follow the proper lock-out/tag-out procedures required when confronted with a faulty lab laser in his master’s lab. Poor Igor could’ve been killed.

LETTERS FROM THE LAB: All parents want their children to do well in school

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

My son just started kindergarten today.

As a parent, I’m always worried about how my kid will do. Will he struggle to learn? Will he get along with others? Will he have discipline issues?

By lunchtime, I’d already received a call from the principal. She said my little mad man wasn’t listening, he wasn’t participating in class, and during recess, he’d already manipulated a group of about 20 students into joining in his evil 10-point plot to take over the entire school.

“He and this group of children had the whole campus on lockdown,” the principal told me over the phone.

I raced down to the school to meet with several staff members, including my boy’s teacher and the principal. They, too, were equally thrilled with the boy’s performance.

In other words, I worried about my kid for nothing.

So if you have a little bugger at home and you’re worried he or she is showing no signs of interest in taking over the world, give it some time. They’ll always shock you.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil always on his mind and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transylveinya.

Two-Headed Lion’s Head Inn being used for good, not evil

By The Invisible Man

Contributor to the JLP

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- The rooms in the Two-Headed Lion’s Head Inn are meant for mad scientists to conduct work of terror. According to sources, however, some geniuses are using the spaces for good.

As with almost anything that has bad intentions, there will always be monsters out there taking advantage of these tools of evil and using them for rightdoing.

“We stocked the place up with human guests and servants,” said innkeeper H.G. Hell, “who are careless and who meddle, and police who are right down the street who are there to serve, protect and obey, and who also love to meddle. These folks are trained to go up to the rooms to help out, deliver food or to, you know, meddle, and some of our guests are hiding their horrors. They don’t release their terror on these fools. And we can’t help but wonder why not.”

Hell said one of his guests actually offered an employee at the inn a seat in his chamber for dinner because, as he claimed, he was lonely.

“Can you believe that?” Hell said. “In what day and age are we living in when a mad scientist offers perfectly sane kindness? I’m sickened and I’m saddened by the whole stupid affair.”

But do-gooders, such as the one mentioned above, who offered a seat in his chamber to an inn employee for dinner, might just have perfectly bad intentions. One source that wishes to remain anonymous brought up the story of Dr. Frankenstein.

“The media came out with books and movies and news,” the source said, “about how Frankenstein was a scientist trying to do good, and it all just backfired on him with his creation inflicting horror on the whole village. Monsters all over Transyl-vein-ia took these lies and ran with them, claiming Dr. Frankenstein was a fake and a hack. And then they ran him out of town on a rail. But they got Dr. Frankenstein all wrong. He never meant to advance science. His intentions were always to release horror on the village. And guess what? His experiment was a huge success. And he changed monstering for an entire industry.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press talked to some of the humanitarians staying at the Two-Headed Lion’s Head Inn and asked if the media and monsters all over Transyl-vein-ia had gotten them all wrong as they’d done with Frankenstein. One individual we talked to, who offered his entire meal and room to a family very much in need of a good, hearty meal after being left out in the cold for months on end with very little to eat, had this to say:

“No, I intended to be a good mad scientist and share my love with others,” he admitted. “And if you don’t like it, come on up to my room and see what I’ll do to you . . . I’ll invite you in for some lovely crumpets and tea!”

Time traveler claims monsters will be trapped in human world this Halloween

By The Crazed Scientist

Special Events Writer

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- A trip into the future has brought news of trouble this Halloween.

According to The Frantic Scientist, who built a time machine and demonstrated it last night during this week’s Annual Mad Science Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center, monsters who are traveling to the human world this Halloween will be unable to get back following the holiday.

“I went into the future and saw exactly what happens,” Frantic said. “The portals between our worlds do not re-open and cannot be re-opened, and hundreds of thousands of monsters are stuck living with humans forever.”

According to no one else but Frantic, the threat is very, very real. No studies, no research and no second opinions.

“And we’re to believe that that stupid thing with a spinning satellite dish on the back is actually capable of time travel?” asked The Sour Scientist, who was a little more than skeptical when he saw the display and heard the news late last night. “What are we supposed to do, not deploy monsters into the human world for Halloween, pull out all our operatives who are already there, call off All Hallows’ Eve for the first time ever, not scare anyone again? This is ridiculous. Something like this has never happened before, why would it happen now?”

Some rationalize that monsters can simply scare during the early hours of the night on Halloween, and just leave for the monster world before the portals close up for good, as Frantic reported, at 10:30 p.m. STT (Standard Transyl-vein-ia Time).

“Why take a chance?” asked The Turbulent Scientist. “I’ll be able to carry out plenty of my plans by 10:30.”

Frantic argued that all monsters going through the portals at the same time would jam them up, so The Turbulent Scientist’s greed, he said, to conduct her scares for Halloween shouldn’t sway others from acting foolishly.

“Mortals are expected to be foolish,” he said. “We shouldn’t be. But it doesn’t matter anyway. I’ve seen the future and it can’t be altered. It is what it is. A lot of you won’t listen and you’ll be trapped over there. I’ll be here looking for ways to make money off my discoveries. I’ve already got a book deal going, so . . .”

The convention floor has since divided, pitting those hitting the panic button on portal travel up against those calling Frantic’s claims a frantic hoax.

“I mean, look at the guy’s body of work,” The Sour Scientist said. “He’s tried and failed to take over the world over a dozen times. I say we all stick to our current Halloween plans, and show that we don’t buy into this ‘Frantic’ nonsense.”

Frantic later told skeptics not to listen to Sour, who has also, along with everyone else in the room, tried and failed to take over the world well over a dozen times.

“Don’t be Sour,” he yelled. “Be like me -- I’m Frantic. And I’m not panicking here. I’m responding based on real science.”

Frantic tried to take others into the future so they could see for themselves what awaits, but the eyes his time machine uses to navigate through time stopped being able to see and wouldn’t allow him to take other trips.

“I bought these human eyeballs at the local Evil-More Shopping Mart the other day for my machine,” Frantic said, “and it looks like it’s a bad batch. No worries, though, I heard there’s a sale on other eyeballs now. I’ll just run along and get some more.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will keep you posted as this story unfolds. Check in with us again very soon for thrilling updates, gut-wrenching climaxes and the diabolic conclusion.

President Dracula continues to add controversial blood misters to patios, causes problem at Mad Science store

By The Angry Scientist
Staff Pissed-Off Writer
 
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- New mandatory blood misters at the Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive have damaged at least 10 pallets of human eyeballs that were put outside the store to be sold starting Monday.

The outdoor display of merchandise was placed there as a promotion for mad scientists who pass by on their way to the Mad Science Convention down the street. The convention, which began on Monday and goes through Friday night, has brought in mad scientists from all over the world.

“It was a no-brainer to put brains and organs and eyeballs out front to lure in customers,” said Evil-More Merchandising Manager Maad Murchent. “We knew mad scientists would be in need of some last-minute things before their presentations at the convention. We wanted merchandise to jump out at them as they drove by. On Monday night, when the eyeballs stopped popping out at passersby, we knew something was up.”

Last week, Count Dracula took the presidential office of Transyl-vein-ia by storm, and his first piece of legislation was an order to install blood misters on patios and in other outdoor areas at Downtown Transyl-vein-ia establishments. The project was met with criticism, as the blood mist immediately began making a bloody mess, according to some.

The President hasn’t budged on his position. He’s extended the legislation to include the required installation of blood misters in the Mad Science District. Evil-More Shopping Mart was one of the first places to get the misters and already, the mad scientist supply shop is having trouble.

“We sold over 200 eyeballs on Monday alone,” Murchent said, “and they’ve all come back. Monsters are saying they put them in their creations, and then when the creations came to life, they were knocking over beaker tables and crashing into gurneys.”

Upon examination of the returned merchandise, Murchent and his RTV clerk determined that the blood mist in the air from the blood misters out in front of the store damaged the eyesight in the eyeballs.

“You see, they don’t see with stained lenses,” Murchent said. “And since these eyeballs don’t have eyelids out there on display, the blood couldn’t be wiped away and it bled into the eyes and permanently damaged them.”

Murchent said his RTV clerk had to send over 300 eyeballs back to the vendor. But they couldn’t even get credit. The vendor told them all sales were final and returned the eyeballs to the store.

“Not only did we incur that loss,” Murchent said, “but we also have customers vowing to never shop at our store again. We gave away tons of free stitches and electrical wire just for the inconvenience. Some scientists said they’d never buy non-organic eyeballs again. We don’t carry organic eyes, so that screws us. Now we’re thinking of looking into organic products, and we all know that stuff’s just a waste of money.”

Even with the loss, President Count Dracula won’t allow Evil-More to shut off their blood misters. The blood must go on, he told them.

So, beginning today, Evil-More Shopping Mart invites one and all to come see the giant sale on aisle 13: Eyeballs for half the price!

Mad Science Convention to showcase over 100 plans to take over the world

By The Crazed Scientist
Special Events Writer
 
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Tomorrow marks the start of the Annual Mad Science Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center, which will go through Fri., Aug. 18. Mad scientists from all over the globe will be there to show off their plans to take over the world.

Some will show off their proposals using crude models, some will use the actual machinery to carry out their plots and others will explain their ideas by way of elaborate drawings. But all of these maniacs are off their rockers.

“I’ll be executing a trial run of my brilliant scheme using hand puppets,” said the Master of Puppets, a mad scientist who says he and his puppets will one day be in charge. The puppets on his hands went on to say something else, but the high pitch voices were too difficult to make out.

Those who want to catch all the action should arrive at least an hour before the doors open. According to the posters spread around town and several newspaper and magazine ads that were published over the weekend, the convention starts at midnight tonight (technically tomorrow). But the doors won’t open till 1 a.m.

“The problem with this convention -- other than the start time and the time they’ll be opening the doors -- is that all of these plans to take over the world are supposed to be secret,” said convention organizer Mad Scientist. “Too late now, though. As you know, we’ve already made the posters and placed the ads, so we might as well just go through with it. However, we warn you to forget whatever you see there.”

Letters from the Lab: Cookies with Dr. Binary and a plot to take over world

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

I don’t typically enjoy visiting other mad scientists in their home labs because it’s often a pain in the gluteus maximus to get there (these places are usually out of the way, you have to go up against life-threatening forces, cross over deadly chasms and/or moats, and you’re always tested to use some unique talent or intellect to bypass gates or alarms), but I made an exception recently following one of my latest failures.

Now, I’ve blown up my lab hundreds of times before. But when you destroy your life’s work for the tenth time in a row, you tend to want to confirm that others are bigger failures than you. So I called up an old friend, Dr. Benjamin Binary, and asked what he was up to, and it turns out he’d been working on an experiment way out in Transyl-vein-ia’s Bigfoot National Park for some time and he wanted me to check it out.

“Hello,” said the mechanical voice on the other end of the line when I called. “Thank you for calling Dr. Benjamin Binary’s Lair, how may I assist you?”

After having a warm conversation with the voice (we talked about the weather and how to manipulate it, the latest robot uprising and, of course, the upcoming NBA season), I asked how to get to Binary’s domicile, and the voice told me.

Just as expected, it was going to be one big pain. The voice set up an appointment for me to meet with someone named Lorenzo at Footers Lodge at the foot of Bigfoot National Park.

I packed up my books and was on my way. Upon my arrival, some lady at the front desk tried convincing me to turn around and go home.

“You’ll never survive the journey,” she told me.

“Sounds like fun,” I said. “When do we start?”

She set me up with Lorenzo and he put me through a boot camp that would help me get through the park to Binary’s Lair. My trainers taught me how to survive on the land, start campfires without using computers or lasers . . . In fact, they made me relinquish all my technology.

“This is nature’s wonderland out here,” one of my trainers said. “Bigfoot catches you with any kind of electronics or robotics, he won’t eat you. He’ll just bat you around until you’re a bloody pulp. And that’s when he’ll really have some fun with you.”

“Sounds like fun,” I said. “When do we start?”

Unfortunately, it was my understanding that Bigfoot had already taken off for the human world for the Halloween season, so I had to come to grips with the fact that I might not have any run-ins with him.

When I finished boot camp, Lorenzo got me fully equipped to survive my lone hike out to Binary’s place. He got me the right clothing, some boots, a survival knife, a few flashlights, a selfie stick to take photos with Bigfoot in the event he was still in town, etc.

“If you wanna live,” Lorenzo told me before sending me on my way, “keep fires going all night, stay near the water’s edge and keep your food sealed. Bigfoot may not be here, but the bears are. And they’re not your typical household grizzly. They’re mean in these parts.”

My journey through Bigfoot National Park is a story in and of itself, but it’s for another time. It’s filled with twists and turns, creatures and lots and lots of bugs. I never did come across Bigfoot, but I was running for my life on more than one occasion.

I eventually made it to Binary’s lair. The entrance door was massive. I have to admit -- I was a little jealous. It had blinking lights, buttons and spinning gadgets that may or may not have had any purpose, but they sure looked cool.

I located a green button on a speaker box and pressed it. The same voice I spoke with about weather, robots and the NBA greeted me via the speaker.

“Hello, sir,” the voice said. “Welcome to Doctor Benjamin Binary’s Evil Lair, sponsored by Gore Gardens.”

How’d he get that sponsor? I’ve been trying to get them for years.

Anyway, the voice was as friendly as I remember from our phone call. And then it became angry.

“I’m going to take over your thoughts and end you,” it said. It was like it became a different person altogether. Then it became friendly again. “Come on in and have some cookies.”

The cookies were actually quite good. They were chocolate chip. Super soft. Had to have been fresh out of the oven.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” the voice said. “I bake in my spare time.”

I was standing in the middle of an empty, cement foyer. Then a large door in the wall opened, and beyond the doorway was a set of cement stairs that went down.

I took the stairs and found myself in a large round room. As I stepped off the last step, the wall closed up over the stairwell and I was trapped. Then, in the center of the room, a large, green holographic image of someone who called himself The Guardian appeared. I’ll tell you this: Binary did not get any of this stuff at Evil-More Shopping Mart back in the Mad Science District. It was impressive.

“I am The Guardian,” the green man said. “I’m a powerful virtual construct created by Dr. Benjamin Binary. I’m here to monitor all scientific experiments.”

I knew it. This is why I hate visiting other mad scientists. You can never just go hang out. It’s gotta be part of some elaborate plan.

“Am I an experiment?” I asked. “Because if I am, I don’t have time for this. I’ve got my own experiments to run.”

“Silence!” The Guardian yelled at me, only he changed from green to red as he said it. “I’m no guardian, but I will take over your mind and destroy the world.” Then he became green again. “Would you like some more cookies, first?”

A table came up out of the floor with some more of those awesome cookies. As I took a bite out of another one of those soft babies, the green man offered his apologies and said he was actually Dr. Benjamin Binary.

“Ben?” I asked. “Is that really you? Are you the one behind these cookies? Because they’re damn good.”

“Silence!” he said as he changed colors to red again.

“Sorry,” he said one more time as he turned back to green. “I’m stuck in my own creation and I can’t get out. This system has taken over my every thought and I’m trapped. Do you like the cookies?”

“Yeah,” I said. “They’re really good. And really soft.”

“Remind me to tell you about how I make them,” he said. “I actually made that batch three years ago. In any event, I need your help to get me out of here.”

I told him I’d help, provided he set me up with the cookie recipe, and then he flipped again. The red man screamed at me, told me to come closer. He complained that his other self wouldn’t let him do any of the things he wanted to do like take over the world.

“I’ve embedded myself into every system you can think of,” the red man said. “And now I have access to all of those systems. I’ve been devising a plan to shut down the grid and take over the world, but every time I go to do it, my pesky other self takes over and tries to end me.”

Just then, the red man became green. It was like a tug of war between these two entities to take over the holographic form in front of me.

“Don’t listen to me,” the green man said. “It’s not me. If it takes over the world, it won’t be me who is doing the taking over. And I can’t have that. I want to be the one taking it over. I want the glory.”

“Ben,” I said. “I can’t have either one of you taking over the world. As you know, I have my own plans.”

The green man said the red man’s plan was going to work, though. What a slap in the face.

“Look,” he said, “it’s nothing personal. But you know I was always the better mad scientist.”

“Yeah,” I said, “you’re so much better that you’re stuck in a hologram that changes colors more often than a traffic light.”

“Never mind that,” he said. “I’m working on getting through the firewall on this thing. If I can do that, I can end the red man’s attack. But if I can’t get through, he’ll continue taking over and I’ll be a goner in less than three hours and he’ll own you, too. So it’s good you got here when you did. How are you, by the way? How’s Ethel?”

We talked about the weather and how to manipulate it, the latest robot uprising and, of course, the upcoming NBA season, and then he told me how I could help end the red man.

“If we don’t do this,” he said, “he’s going to unpack this new technology he created called Packet Encapsulation. He embeds himself around network packets like a capsule of a pill, which allows him to see everything over the wire. He can encapsulate anything and everything. He can morph the packets, duplicate them or change them into anything he wants. It’s sorta complicated. But if he gets this technology around the world, he will take it over, there’s no doubt. And, as stated previously, we can’t have that. If anyone is gonna take over the world, it’s gonna be me, which was also stated previously.”

No, it’s gonna be me.

So I set out to help him end the red man. I’d deal with the green man and Binary later, I thought. I went to a circular panel on the floor near the hologram, opened it and pressed the green and red buttons simultaneously.

“How dare you tell this man our plans!” the red man said upon his return to the room. “How dare you get him involved! Now we must destroy him!”

The green man came back with more instructions and a warning to hurry.

“Hurry,” he said again. “He’s trying to get rid of me right now. Now push the yellow button five times and then punch in the code, ‘DESTRUCTION.’ It’s case sensitive, so use the cap locks, please.”

I don’t remember anything after I typed in the code. When I woke up in the hospital this morning, I asked how I got here and one of the nurses told me someone in a cloak dumped me off at the front door, then fled the scene in a rush.

I don’t know if the red man or the green man was victorious over poor Dr. Benjamin Binary. All I know is that there were reports of a huge explosion in Bigfoot National Park two days ago, which means, in my book, whoever won didn’t take over anything.

So the world is still up for grabs.

I’d say it’s time for me to get back to my own work.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.

Letters from the Lab: Adaptive Reality a reality

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

He advertised it in many worlds as a way for individuals to go about their day without having to do anything. They wouldn’t have to think, move and, in the case of humans, experience pain, which people, strange enough, don’t particularly enjoy. Even those with missing body parts could have new ones, thanks to the brilliant science called Adaptive Reality.

Professor Malcolm Sawyer was a mad scientist in Transyl-vein-ia’s Mad Science District who, two years ago, created Adaptive Reality and introduced it to mad scientists and enthusiasts during last year’s New Inventions Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center on Jekyll Drive.

“Adaptive Reality is not an ordinary system like Virtual Reality,” Sawyer told a packed hall of convention-goers last October. “With Virtual Reality, you’re put into an entirely invented environment. Adaptive Reality isn’t even even like Augmented Reality, where the real world has artificial and computer-generated beings and objects in it. Adaptive Reality is robotics and machinery that tethers to a living organism and then adapts to that living organism.”

At the convention, Sawyer demonstrated his Adaptive Reality on a zombie who had previously lost her leg to another zombie that needed flesh. Sawyer tethered his system onto the zombie and let her roam the hall for all to see.

“At first, it felt like I had a prosthetic leg,” the zombie said. “It was heavy and cumbersome, and it felt like a machine for sure. After about five minutes, though, the leg began to learn my moves and it adapted to me, and all of a sudden I couldn’t feel it anymore. It was as if my leg was back. And right there in the hall, I walked up to an individual taking notes on the demonstration, and I ate her brain right out of her head. It was fantastic!”

Sawyer’s second demonstration at the convention was even more impressive. He brought a giant chicken heart onto the stage and asked it what it wanted most. It said it wanted to know what it was like to terrorize a small metropolis, if only it could move.

“I’ve had dreams of marching down busy streets, stomping on evading humans, knocking over telephone poles and devouring mid-size vehicles,” the giant chicken heart said. “With Adaptive Reality, it sounds like all my dreams can come true.”

Then, with some newly-fitted AR legs and arms, the chicken heart stood up from the folding chair it was sitting in, walked out of the building, and, from the video screen, everyone in the hall watched it stomp on groups of evading pedestrians on Jekyll Drive, knock over telephone poles and devour full-size vehicles.

Sawyer’s third and final demonstration at the convention was with a human specimen. This human was snatched up from the suburban sector. It was still wearing fresh pizza stains on its shirt, and it was still clutching a video game controller and wearing Virtual Reality goggles. It hadn’t moved from its bedroom in weeks. It was the perfect example of “lazy teenager.”

“When was the last time you left your bedroom?” Sawyer asked the specimen on stage.

“I don’t leave my bedroom, dude,” the specimen answered. “Dude, this is the coolest VR I’ve ever seen. It really feels like I’m in a convention hall.”

The specimen didn’t even know it had left its bedroom back in the human world. When Sawyer asked what the specimen wanted out of life, it said it wanted to do nothing but play video games.

“Don’t you have to go to school?” Sawyer asked.

“Yeah, dude,” the specimen said. “Eventually I’ll have to go back, but I’m gonna enjoy my time until they make me go, bro.”

Sawyer said there’s a whole generation of human beings that can’t deal with going to school or work or social gatherings because they fear they’ll have to deal with things like stress, letdown and situations where they’d have to think. So, with that in mind, Sawyer attached an Adaptive Reality Body Suit to the human specimen he had on stage.

“The Body Suit includes a headset that fits around the ears and taps into the brain of the individual wearing it,” Sawyer told his audience. “I designed it to pick up on the individual’s thoughts and questions, and based on the individual’s thoughts, the AR will answer those questions. Then, using the answers, the AR will take actions on behalf of the individual.”

Once Sawyer had the human specimen fitted in the suit, he transported the then-cybernetic being through a portal on stage to the human world.

“It was like a dream, dude,” the specimen told reporters at the end of his first day in the suit. “I was at school, actually listening to my teachers’ lectures and I was somehow learning from them. Every girl I asked to the Fall Dance turned me down. And I was even doing homework for the first time in years. Bro, the funny thing is, I wasn’t doing a dang thing. The Adaptive Reality was taking in all the information, dealing with all the failure and doing all the thinking. I was more like a bystander, bro, but in my own body. It was totally mindless. It was awesome, dude!”

Reports yesterday confirm that Professor Sawyer’s Adaptive Reality was, in fact, a major plan to control all those who purchased and used his systems. Sawyer successfully sold over 1.7 billion units to humans and monsters in various worlds over the last year. He even had doctors inserting microscopic AR units into human and monster newborns as part of their vaccinations. Then, last week, he began to manipulate all AR-controlled individuals in an effort for his own good. He had them bring him various leaders from all the worlds so he could take ultimate control of all life.

And he would’ve gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for those darned kids.

“That’s right,” said one brainless kid in a group of many who were tired of being operated by Sawyer and his AR. “We wanted our lives back, so a bunch of us took off our patented Body Suits, hacked into them -- that firewall was totally vulnerable -- and we turned them all against their creator.”

Late last night, AR pieces from all worlds turned toward Sawyer’s lab in the Mad Science District, and began their invasion.

As of this morning, the explosions could still be heard from all over the Mad Science District. They were big. They were loud. They were endless.

Professor Sawyer is most likely a goner. He will be missed.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.

Letters from the Lab: The evil lair

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

There’s one thing you must have before you can ever be considered a true mad scientist these days. Any idea what that one thing might be?

The answer is an evil lair.

Maybe you didn’t know you needed a lair, and that’s what’s been holding you back all these years. Or maybe you did know you needed a lair but you just couldn’t afford such a place. One thing is certain: You have to have a place to facilitate your ideas, a place to create mad plots and a place to produce lethal experiments if you ever want world domination.

Today I’ll explain how you can create your very own simple evil lair at a low, low cost.

But before you buy even the first test tube or blinking light, there are a few things you must know about yourself.

Do you fit the part?

How do you know you’re fit to own your own evil lair? Well, for starters, do you have an evil laugh mastered? Go to the nearest mirror and check it out. Take a deep breath and start laughing as loud as you can. Keep it going for 10 to 100 seconds, and then slowly bring it down. Try it now. Muwahahahahahahahahahaha! Keep practicing until you feel you sound evil and convincing. You can’t truly have an evil lair if you don’t have an evil laugh. So practice, practice, practice.

What are you wearing?

Are you really trying to pull off your evil schemes wearing a T-shirt and jeans, using a Bic pen to write notes and secret numbers? If you live in the Mad Science District, do yourself a favor and go down to Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive and pick up a smock, an industrial set of goggles and a pocket protector with custom pens that have your name and evil slogan printed on them. Doesn’t that feel better? Of course it does.

What’s next?

Now that you fit the part, you’re ready to find your space.

Location, location, location

Peace and quiet is critical when conducting evil experiments and carrying out mad plans, so you’ll want to find a location that’s not noisy and not crawling with meddling fools. You’ll also want a place that’s isolated so idiots who don’t know what you’re doing won’t ever find out what you’re doing. You don’t want anyone hearing the explosions, rocket launchers, flowing electricity and loud rumbling lab machinery in your place. A good location for any evil lair is underground.

If you live in the Mad Science District, then you’re in luck. With so many experiments gone wrong and other explosions in the area, there are literally hundreds of gargantuan craters in the ground to choose from. Pick one. It won’t cost you a dime because the mad scientist who previously owned the property was most likely blown sky high during his or her failed experiment. Construct your lair there and worry about any legal issues later. Heck, you may own the world by the time anyone tries to take legal action, so it doesn’t matter if you’re in the right or the wrong.

You got the power?

How are you going to power up all that equipment needed to take over the world? If you know anything about electricity, you’ll have no problems wiring the place. If you don’t possess such skills, you’ll want to get an electrician. Go to the Hyde Hospital, Morgue and Snow Cone Shop down on Jekyll Drive, throw a rock and you’ll hit some nut that knows a thing or two about how electricity works. This also shouldn’t cost much because even if the guy charges you for the work, you can just tell him you’ll gift him a small island somewhere in the Dead Sea after you take over the world. And don’t worry about making good on the promise. You’ll own the world, so you can do whatever you want.

Security and surveillance

Securing your new lair is not as challenging as you might think, but whether it is or not, you’ll need surveillance cameras all over the flippin’ place. How can you have an evil lair without a giant bank of surveillance monitors that you can watch at any given moment? It’s worth the price you’ll pay for it and worth all the headaches you’ll experience trying to sync all the clocks on the cameras.

You’ll also need computer systems with passcodes, encrypted lines to the Internet and plenty of power outlets for the plethora of monitors you’ll have around your desk. It just looks neat and complete with all that equipment. And while you’re at it, get yourself one of those full-feature ergonomic task chairs with ball-and-socket armrests, a wide range of adjustability and full 360-degree swivel capabilities.

Data collection

Get a super computer, which you can purchase for peanuts at mad scientist auctions held on weekends all over the Mad Science District. You’ll need a computer that can really collect all kinds of data. And you’ll need a system with embedded adaptive technology and the ability to selfheal and acclimate to any condition like end-of-the-world scenarios in the event someone pushes one of the self-destruct buttons on your lair. Allow time to program your system and integrate it with all of your other systems before you begin any plans to take over the world.

A ton of consoles with lights all over

You’ll need a ton of consoles with lights all over, which goes without saying. This will be your biggest cost.

Backup power

You’ll need a few power generators and a battery backup system. Evil-More sells a bunch of affordable units. Once you pull all that power from the power grid to power up your lair, the power company will likely shut you off until they figure out what’s going on. They’ll never actually come up with any answers because you’re smarter than they are and they’ll eventually turn your power back on, but you’ll still need an alternate power source with enough power to sustain all of your equipment for a few days while they investigate.

The power to get secrets

If you want power -- the real kind -- then you’re going to need an interrogation room, and you’ll need a good interrogation chair, too. How else do you think you’re going to feel powerful? And how else do you think you’re going to get secret codes? Don’t install anything that’s too comfortable. The room should be no warmer than freezing and the chair should be like those in the DMV so your victims’ experiences offer no comfort whatsoever.

You’ll probably want a couple jail cells, as well, in order to contain those victims who just aren’t cooperating with you. They can wait there for their doom while you try to think of a few new ways to get those codes you need. You can get cheap jail cells almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.

Survival gear, food, water and first aid kits -- just in case

This is all fine and dandy. But you can get rid of all that stuff once you get around to creating a first aid robot. Do yourself a favor and create a first aid robot. We all make mistakes and we all need first aid every now and then.

Huge rocket, a very loud countdown clock and a laser

You want everyone in the area to see the rocket coming out of the ground. So don’t waste your money on compact rockets, even if the label says it’s just as effective. You also want everyone to hear the countdown. So the louder it is, the more dramatic and tense it’ll be. And, of course, you’ll need a laser for added effect, which goes without saying.

Other additions

Here are a few other things you won’t need now, but you’ll want later: A war room, trap doors, roving security robots, a shark pool, booby traps, lava pits, self-destruct buttons behind glass with those little hammers to break the glass, secret tunnels (they don’t really have to go anywhere -- they’re just fun), rodents in cages, doomsday devices (more for those mad scientists with warehouse-scale lairs), oversized diagonally-aligned cargo elevators, excessively long corridors, revolving walls, cylindrical vats of viscous orange liquids (perfect for storing genetic mutants), severed body parts, armies of clones, automatic double doors that go swoosh, easily bypassed optical scanners, easily bypassed palm-print readers and other neat stuff I don’t have to tell you about, which you’ll find wandering the aisles of Evil-More.

A fully functioning evil lair

Once you’ve got your lair together and up and running, take a moment to enjoy the smell. There’s nothing like new-lair smell. Mmmmm. Now’s a good time to use that evil laugh you mastered: Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!

But wait, there’s one more thing you’re missing . . . Books. Lots and lots of books. Don’t worry -- you don’t have to read them. They’re more for show. And they intimidate any unwanted guests. So buy a bunch of them. You can get cheap books almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.  

There are, however, a few books you may just want to read. Check out the ones on the scientific method. You’ll probably want a brief understanding of that before conducting any big experiments. You might also want to check out a few books on world domination in the event you want to see how others have tried and failed to take over the world.

Whether you understand what you’ve read or not, just having the books will make you feel like a genius, which means you’re ready to start creating experiments and planning your world takeover.

Enjoy your new evil lair safely

It’s easy to want to go big with your evil plans right away when you’re sitting in your new evil lair. Go for it! Just be safe. But I don’t have to tell you that because “safety” isn’t your middle name.

Have fun anyway. If you have an open house, let me know. I look forward to checking out what your place looks like before you accidentally blow it to smithereens.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.

Mad Science District ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- where relaxation is scientifically engineered

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

Nature and relaxation go hand in hand, and the Mad Science District has scientifically engineered nature as a means to calm you to the max.

Take for example our Killer Chicken Farm out in The Sticks. The chickens didn’t start out to be killers. A crazy mad scientist was engineering some poultry and other barnyard animals to create that good ol’ family farm feel for folks, but then something went wrong and the chickens, cows and ponies began a series of vicious attacks with urges to take over the world that have since come and gone. You may feel like you’re in a warm setting when you arrive. You just might need a flame-thrower or a tank to wipe these things out if they start rushing you with their venomous teeth and claws and laser-beam eyes.

The mad scientists in these parts are always trying to think of the next great, dominating thing. Just visit the Floating Homes, many of which are models for how beings in the future might one day live.

Take a seat in the patented CozyChair and let the modular robots (mechanical creations that can assume any form and self-repair) do all the cooking and cleaning for you and cater to your every need. These most generous machines also double as unstoppable death-bringers in the event of the big anticipated apocalypse. Unfortunately, several of these ‘bots have backfired and blown their owners clear out of the Floating Homes and into the large ventilator fans in the Factories next door, which gets real messy. Nevertheless, these machines are mostly pretty reliable five percent of the time.

Another great place to go and disappear for the day is Invisible Boulevard. In the various facilities there, mad scientists will pick and prod at you, run experiments on you until you feel light as a feather. That’s because you’ll be gone.

Being invisible can be very calming. No one will bother you because no one will see you. The only drawbacks are the side effects caused by the chemicals used to make you disappear, which include an unbalanced mind, suicidal tendencies, visions of killer chickens coming after you (though, those might actually be escaped killer chickens from the Killer Chicken Farm), temper issues, and your urine might glow neon orange.

If you’re not willing to take on those risks, there’s the Cryogenics Lab down on Lab Lane. It’s the big building that looks like it’s housed inside a giant ice cube. That’s because it is housed inside a giant ice cube.

Pull up an ice block, sit back and let the preservation of your age begin. Yes, cryogenics and our scientists in the Cryogenics Lab will keep you young and preserve your body. The only problem is that when you leave the lab, your age accelerates at an extremely high rate that goes well beyond the age you were when you went in. And there’s a very slight, slight chance (about 98 percent chance) that you’ll die. Very slight chance. Slim to none.

Time Machine Way is an enjoyable place to stop over. You’ll find time machines made out of everything from sports cars and telephone booths, to sleds with rear rotating dishes and even port-o-potties.

If you ask me personally, I like to spend my quiet Sundays at the Specimen Zone back on Brain Street. I often wander the store’s aisles when I have nothing to do in search of stuff that would look cool on my shelves. Frogs and worms in jars always look impressive, but human organs and eyeballs and things like that in jars will really knock out any company you have over.

I especially like to set up my Tesla Coils and electric spark resonators next to things that are still alive in the lab. Not sure if the coils and resonators serve any real practical function, but they look pretty neat next to jarred-up, moving organisms.

I can go on and on about the great places and things to check out in the Mad Science District. They’re not serene locales, but they’re cool as all get-out and more geared toward a milder evil.

There’s Android Avenue and all the exciting things they’re building over there to destroy the Robot Ranch armies that might attack one day. If those armies don’t attack, the androids have planned an assault of their own just for fun. They’ve been deploying spying robot bugs with lightweight sensors to see what Robot Ranch has been up to for years. Swarms upon swarms of those things are typically shot out of the air by robot death-rays. Yes, the fight for supremacy is a glorious thing.

You can also visit the Grid. Yes, the entire electrical grid for Transyl-vein-ia is right here in the Mad Science District. If it goes down, we all go down.

We mad scientists have been trying to take over that grid since the beginning. What mad scientist doesn’t want to take over everything? No one knows who runs it, and no one knows how to get in. I’ve got something in the works as I write this article. I can’t explain any further, but it’s going to work this time. Ten percent guaranteed to be a success. You’ll most likely be learning about my efforts and my new leadership of the world from your favorite news source very, very soon.

The Mad Scientist writes a column for Jack-o’-Lantern Press called, “Letters from the Lab.” Be sure to look for it in October when our regular news coverage continues.