Blood thicker than wine, and tasty, too

By Count Chrislee

Contributor to the JLP

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- Good blood is difficult to come by these days, and with more and more of it being hosed out of blood misters due to President Count Dracula’s new law, finding any blood at all seems to be a miracle in and of itself.

But there’s a way to find the freshest, tastiest and thickest blood out there, and it requires a combination of seasonal knowledge, asking other vampires for advice and using your senses.

Below is a recipe to get you on the right track.

INGREDIENTS:

Good, healthy people in their “happy place” at the right time

DIRECTIONS:

Find a good, healthy person in the right state of mind. Using your vampire senses, you can do this. (Don’t frighten your victim. Fright in a human being causes a chemical imbalance in the blood that creates a bad aftertaste.

Get to know your victim on a friendly basis. (Don’t just put your victim in a trance and go for the jugular. You have to prep the blood.) Hang out with your victim in group settings, learn about your victim’s personality and character, and sing along to the same bad songs.

Get to know your victim’s family. If your victim is male, get in good with Mom. If your victim is female, get in good with Dad. And if your victim is neither male nor female, get in good its maker. (In the latter case, you might want to live a few more lifetimes to hone your vampire senses because your victim here is most likely a recreation from a corpse that, four out of five times, consists of old, bad blood, though that’s considered a delicacy among some vampires.)

Romance and woo your victim. Then put the individual under your spell. (Don’t use psycho eyes. Look at your victim with adoring eyes as you hypnotize. That strange feeling that comes over your victim in the initial stages of the trance is what humans call love, and they fall for it every time.)

Then dig in and repeat nightly until the so-called “well” is dry.