Becca Banshee 1825-2019

Becca Banshee died in her mist early this morning. Becca, who, like all banshees, is known for traveling through mist, was, according to reports, traveling through too much of the stuff, she couldn’t see, she tripped, hit her head, was whaling (before and after the fall), and bystanders thought she was just whaling as banshees do, so they went on their way while yelling for her to shut the hell up — like usual — and, without any medical attention, she perished. Many of Becca’s banshee sisters showed up on the scene to see her spirit carried away. They wouldn’t stop whaling. Enough already.

Charlie Chupacabra 1995-2019

The G.O.A.T. of all goatsuckers is dead. Charlie Chupacabra died in an epic battle late last night at The Alamo. Bad guys had been picking off more inferior goatsuckers in the area for weeks, and just when we thought our chupacabra brethren had them outnumbered, a plot involving U.S. military and rounds and rounds of unnecessary fire power was hatched to hit us where it hurt — and boy did it hurt. They got Charlie in the process. More and more G.O.A.T.s are being bred every day. Sequels are in our future.

Scream Queen 1955-2019

Known for her iconic scream heard in numerous Halloween sound effects albums and CDs, including “Halloween Horror Sounds of Evil,” “Evil Sounds of Halloween Night” and “Night Sounds of Horror Evil,” Scream Queen, who recorded her first scream in 1973, died last night in one terrific lightning storm. She’s survived by Boom, her husband of 20 years and a thunder sheet shaker. Boom told reporters that his wife did, in fact, go out with a scream. That’s the way she would’ve preferred to go, he added. Listen to her final wail below:

Pam 2019-2019

Pam the Giant Insect was shot down in Downtown Transylveinya today. City officials can’t move her now. They can’t break her apart and they can’t blow her up because a blast would take out the nearby buildings. Services will take place where the enormous monster was killed. According to members of the Downtown Transylveinya Planning Commission, the city will turn the remains of the creature into a mixed-use development, part playground for the kiddies -- where they can slide down the tarsus of the insect’s leg -- and part high rise apartment units, which will be built into the shell of the big bug. It’ll be quite a view from up there. Most insects only live a few hours. But when Pam was exposed to radiation and enlarged to her humongous size earlier in the day, she decided to go out with a bang and attack the city. Boy did she ever. Long live Pam!

Rossella the Tomato 1978-2019

Rossella, a killer tomato known originally for being a traditionally docile fruit, was sliced, diced and then puréed after rolling over innocent people, pets, perfectly good vehicles and small buildings late last night in the Pushcart District of Downtown Transylveinya. Rossella had devoted her life to steamrolling and human cuisine. Loved ones are invited to pay their respects to the killer tomato this evening in the neighborhood’s Anti-Social Club for a warm vigil and plenty of tasty tomato juice.

Jason Voorhees 195?-1957-1981-1982-1984 … 2019

Jason Voorhees, the machete-wielding slasher psycho, died early this morning before the sun came up at Camp Slasher Psycho in Bigfoot National Park. The cause of death was heart failure. The horror legend was last seen frolicking from one cabin to the next, picking off teen campers by the baker’s dozen just hours before his body was found lying over a young couple he’d happily mutilated. Services will be held tomorrow evening. Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Chucky and several of Jason’s peers are said to be on hand to deliver moving eulogies. The ol’ boy will most likely be back sooner than later in a sequel or reboot at a theater near you.

Jack the Zombie 1968-2019

Jack the Zombie died due to a headshot yesterday evening in the streets of Shadow City. He spent his afterlife doing what he did best -- eating brains. And he ate a lot of them. He’s survived by hundreds of other zombies he infected over the years who are still out there roaming the streets. In lieu of dead flowers, brain donations may be made to the Jack the Zombie Foundation for the Walking Dead.