By Togo Ornottogo
Staff Trav-Hell Writer
Planning
on traveling for the Labor Day weekend?
Don’t
just pack up and go like the Frankensteins did for their honeymoon this
weekend, leaving their castle totally closed off to the dangers that could
otherwise come in. Authorities offer tips to help make your holiday vacation
more terrifying.
“Burglars
will stake out your house,” said Transyl-vein-ia P.D. Officer Sayf T. Lasst.
“If you have the newspaper delivered to your home and you contact the
subscription center and have it continue so it looks like you’re still there
while you’re actually gone, monsters are going to think you are, in fact, still
there and they’re not going to break in and you’re not going to have anything
to be horrified about while gone or when you return . . . You’ve got to put a
stop to all deliveries, whether it be the newspaper, the milk or body parts,
and make these burglars realize you’re out of town. Then let the horrors
begin!”
Blow
out all candles, turn off all lab equipment, but leave the drawbridge down.
“The
only reason we want you to leave drawbridges down,” Lasst said, “is to make
your invaders think you were careless at the time you were leaving for your
trip. Then they cross over to enter your home, and your pet moat monster gets
to have some fun playing a game of ‘Life or Death?’ with them.”
You
could have your neighbor park his or her or its hearse in your driveway, but
then your castle would look occupied. Lasst stresses over and over and over
again and again the importance of making your domicile look deserted.
When
it comes time to leave for your trip, it’s good to count all members of your
family, and then make sure you strategically forget the youngest member at home
to add more tension to your trip and create great terror for the little one who
you’ve left stranded.
“You
never know what terrors will prey upon them while you’re gone,” said Al
Waysforgetone of the TDMT (Transyl-vein-ia Department of Missing Things). “The
horrors those little ones experience are always priceless.”
Good
planning for your trips is important. According to Ben Gonawhile of the
Worldwide Travel Terrors Travel Agency, many monsters planned trips to werewolf
country, and then didn’t take into account the moon cycles. That’s cause for a
very dull vacation.
“My
wife and I planned a trip to the Cypresses Plantation in the bayou over the
summer,” Gonawhile said, “and we made sure to schedule the visit during another
one of Dr. Mark Sinclair’s botched experiments. By the time we got there, the
whole place was swarming with these experiments gone wrong, which we call alligator
people. It was fantastic, but with poor planning it would’ve been a bust. Stick
around long enough, like we did at the Cypresses, and you might even get the
chance to be exposed to something even more dangerous, like the deadly radiation
that poisoned us.”
Plan
what to pack and what not to pack.
“I
knew a slasher psycho who was going away to summer camp and he packed all kinds
of unnecessary knives, rope and even a chainsaw,” Gonawhile said. “There’s no
need for that. Campgrounds these days are littered with all kinds of things that
make for the cleverest ways of terrorizing teens who are up to no good. I’ve
seen some slasher psychos make amazing use out of toaster ovens, gardening
tools and even a tree swing.”
In
the end, remember the purpose of your getaway -- it’s to have a terror-ific
time. If your vacation turns out to be fun instead, don’t worry. Remember the
saying, It’s nice to go traveling, but
it’s so much nicer to come home to Van Helsing or a mad mob armed with fire in
hopes of destroying you.
No comments:
Post a Comment