Gonna need a bigger shark

Earlier this summer off the U.S. east coast, a small boat of shark hunters blew up one of the monster world's biggest man-eating sharks ever spotted. Monsters everywhere are currently uniting and working on a way to breed an even bigger, even nastier killer from the deep. 

If you have any ideas to help bring this terror to life, please contact Mr. Mad Scientist at EvilRules@MadScienceForeverAndEver.monstergov. Any help will earn you a free run with the werewolves through Werewolf Woods.

Goblin to file grievance, says kid he’s trying to lure outside to scare never comes out to play

By Al “Things” Green

Staff Night Creatures Writer

A longtime goblin of Transyl-vein-ia Pines will file a grievance against the All-Nite Goblins Agency this week for an unjustifiable dismissal.

J.P. Hobbs, 132 years old, had haunted a neighborhood in a small Idaho town for over 100 years before being relieved of his duties last Friday. He said work conditions of late had made it impossible to perform at a competent level.

“They expected me to sit out in a tree 100 yards from my target and beg for this kid to come out of his house and play,” Hobbs said, “but he never even came to the window. In the old days, we could at least put in overtime and wait for morning when the kiddies would come out for school. Now there’s no O.T. because corporate is always saying we have to cut payroll.”

Hobbs said he was working 10 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. shifts and that there was no real chance to lure his target out of his cozy home during such hours.

“I have to sit there and watch the vampires and ghouls fly into houses nearby and get easy scares,” Hobbs said. “It’s totally unfair. And they’re real jerks about it, too, especially all the Draculas. They suck.”

The All-Nite Goblins Agency refused to comment for this story, but Hobbs claims his superiors let him go because he failed to meet a new quota they set during the meeting they held to give him the boot.

“I’m not 80 anymore, I can’t just sit in a rickety old tree all night,” Hobbs said. “Some trees aren’t even conducive to sitting. I’d like to see upper management sit in the one I had. At least give me some pants so I don’t have to pick splinters out of my butt the following day. Of course, if I wore pants they’d write me up for not conforming to the dress code.”

According to Goblin Bill, who had worked with Hobbs for the last 20 years, Hobbs was getting lazy.

“He had no hook, no style,” Goblin Bill said, “and he really didn’t care to invent anymore. There was no mystery to his pitch. You have to speak softly to the kids, offer a little intrigue. I have no problem making my numbers.”

“Goblin Bill sits in a tree right under a kid’s bedroom window,” Hobbs said. “And he got that location because he kisses major senior goblin butt. Let’s switch targets and see if speaking softly works from a football field away.”

Hobbs said he thinks the grievance he’s filing should get him his job back.

“If it doesn’t,” he told us, “I’m gonna have to start kissing major senior goblin butt, in which case, maybe you should hold off running this story.”

Not-so-bright werewolf holds garage sale, uses proceeds to buy new jacket

A Transyl-vein-ia Hills werewolf sold his shredded clothes in a garage sale yesterday morning and used the proceeds to buy a new, name-brand jacket.

Will Woof, 23, is a born werewolf who devoured his parents when he was 4 years old. Experts suggest he’s kind of an idiot.

“Obviously his parents never got around to teaching him about taking off his clothes before the full moon rises,” said longtime neighbor and electrified creature Dynamo Dan. “Even I know clothing rarely stays intact during a werewolf transformation, and that’s saying a lot because my antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels, if you know what I mean.”

Woof said he had a great turnout at his garage sale, and added that monsters were happy to pay three and five dollars for torn-up shirts and pants.

“This is an Armani,” he told the JLP last night while posing with the jacket only moments before turning into a werewolf and eating the jacket like it was a mini frankfurter. “I like to look good.”

Barbershop patrons said he looked like a fool when he dropped the rest of his garage sale dough on a shave and a haircut early this morning before coming out of his werewolf stupor.

-Larry Talbot

Witching Hour starts with a 'fang'

By Vin “Skull” Eek

Staff Spooks Writer

After a nearly perfect Halloween season last year where monsters claimed more victims per capita than any season prior, freaks, demons and other evil beings and entities look to put an even bigger bite on the less monstrous in 2015.

A blue moon wasn't all that was out last night. A few minutes past 12:00 a.m. just outside the Transyl-vein-ia limits, three fiendish ghouls were the first to materialize after a coven of witches cast the annual spell to ring in the beginning of the Halloween season.

“The witches went out pretty close to midnight,” said a local vampire, “and they began chanting for goblins and ghoulies and werewolves. In no time, three ghosts appeared in the humans’ dominion and chased a poor wino through a park in a small Northern California suburban community until he dove into a dumpster and began throwing items of trash at and through the specters.”

According to sources, a few werewolves and a sea creature were next on the scene. In a joint effort, they took down a group of teens taking selfies in front of a work of vandalism they crafted at a Bloomington, IN, bait and tackle shop that had closed for the night.

Experts have claimed that people scare less easy these days because of how scary popular media has become.

“We find it about the same,” said a giant-sized monster bumblebee that’s been haunting for over four decades and was out haunting last night. “The newspapers are always trying to make it sound like we can’t scare anymore. Go talk to that Colorado couple driving home from the bull fights last night. They looked pretty scared with my stinger piercing through the roof of their truck and into their Bose stereo. Shut Garth Brooks down in a hurry. Ain’t nothing like a good old-fashioned scare-people-off-the-road-and-into-a-ditch scenario.”

There were plenty of UFO sightings last night. Officials said most of them were not even part of the Witching Hour séance.

“Most of these were juvenile rebel E.T. that haphazardly broke through to the other side,” said a member of a swarm of giant killer tomatoes rolling through the English countryside. “One of the saucers literally splashed down on a group of my co-terrorizers, and we had to reassess our attack on a field of cows. No kidding, those cows looked like they were going to charge. But it turns out the aliens in those ships didn’t even have their flyers’ permits. Some thing’s gonna have to do something about this new generation of rebellious scarers.”