Saucer flyover today will recognize historic UFO landing on this day in1948

To honor the heroes who, on this day in 1948, came from galaxies far, far away to Earth to invade and abduct humans, one of the largest assemblies of pre-1950s UFOs will cross the U.S., flying over 17 key cities this afternoon. The flyover will include dozens of attack saucers, alien abduction cruisers and even a wide variety of vintage Crop Circle 100s touring in 10 historically-sequenced otherworldly formations overhead. The formations will represent the April 8, 1948 invasion of Earth, from the Early Morning Alien Encounter through the 10:27 a.m. Assault on Old MacDonald’s Farm, and concluding with a staged abduction synchronized to “Taps.” The flyovers will begin at 12:30 p.m. (PT) in Modesto, CA, and will continue throughout the country until 4 p.m., finishing in Washington D.C. where aliens will seek the country’s leaders. Go to FindFlyoversAndGetAbducted.mon for a complete schedule of today’s event. Today also marks 18 more days till Alien Day. Be ready!

Support Daleks in human takeover

By Al Eean

Staff Skies Writer

War is expensive and Transyl-vein-ia is turning to ordinary monsters for help in a global takeover led by the Daleks, an extraterrestrial race of mutants who are evil, not good, bent on the extermination of the inferior human race.

The Transyl-vein-ia Treasury is now offering war bonds for monsters to purchase. These war bonds will help support Dalek troops in their noble quest to rid the world of good.

“A war bond is both an investment in one’s world and an investment in one’s own financial future,” said Transyl-vein-ia Treasury representative Ineeda Yermunny. “This month, as Jack-o’-Lantern Press is looking to the skies to celebrate alien species, we’re offering $25 war bonds for just $18.75 each. We’ll even throw in a set of Ginsu knives at no additional cost if you purchase the bonds within the next 48 hours of this story’s post.”

The monster government will use your monies to help pay for human-sized pepper shakers for mutant exterior cover, space crafts to get Dalek armies to Earth, death rays for human extinction and everything else needed to fight and win.

"So, that's the investment you'll be making in your world," Termunny said. "Ten years from the time you purchased your war bond, you'll be able to redeem it and get $25. That's the investment you'll be making in your financial future. That's $6.25!"

According to a Dalek mutant, who wishes to remain unidentified, the Dalek army is just trying to get rid of human pests on Earth as quickly as possible.

“We just want to exterminate,” the mutant said. “Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminaaaaate!”

The Dalek species is a superior race. Davros, the one who created Daleks, took all emotion out of his creations' personalities in order to make them superior to any other beings, that way they could take over anything inferior. As a result, all that would remain is Dalek perfection.

“This call for Dalek support is an outrage,” said The Doctor, a centuries-old alien who travels through space and time in a TARDIS. “Vote ‘no’ on Daleks. Stop extermination today.”

Critics of The Doctor say he’s just against the Daleks because he’s not part of the Daleks’ superior race.

“I got news for most of the Jack-o’-Lantern Press readership,” The Doctor said. “Neither are you.”

The Doctor may have something there, in which case, don’t buy war bonds, get out your telescopes, look to the skies and contact The Doctor immediately at 1-800-WHOisWHOyouGONNAcall if you see Dalek space craft approaching.

Alien Day on 4-26

JackOLanternPress.com looks to the skies this month as we recognize Alien Day on 4-26. 

Why 4-26? Well, LV-426 is the exomoon where the USCSS Nostromo encountered alien eggs. Who knows? If the Nostromo never landed, we may never have had the pleasure of calling those cuddly little critters on that planet our friends.

So check out JLP every now and then throughout April for news and stories from above. And celebrate Alien terror with us on the 26th.
     

Easter Beast makes egg hunts easy

Kids all over the world found Easter eggs quite easily this morning. The colorful hard-shelled objects were discovered in the middle of lawns and in other open areas for pretty much any egg hunter to collect.

Experts suggest the Easter Bunny is going soft.

“It’s not so much that the kids are incapable of finding eggs in tougher hiding places,” said egg expert Egsov Ereazy, “rather the Easter Bunny doesn’t have to be so sneaky these days because the Easter Beast has gotten lazy.”

According to Ereazy, the Easter Beast has given up on his game. He wasn't out early like he used to be on Easter, trying to snatch up eggs before the little kiddies could get them, so the Easter Bunny took it easy this year.

“These so-called ‘experts’ are right, I suppose,” said the Easter Beast’s nephew, the Easter Beagle. “My Uncle Beast doesn’t really have a problem getting eggs these days. He just goes online and orders them.”

To avoid your own Easter egg hunts, go to NoMoreBeast.mon.

The Beast was, however, out later in the day to terrorize and pick off Easter egg hunters who were in the wide-open areas. Evidently, you can't find those little guys online yet.

Leprechaun traps everywhere today, leprechauns ready

By Chaka LepreKhan

Staff Little Green People Writer

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, and leprechaun traps have been popping up all over the globe.

Despite the phenomenon, leprechauns, as many know, cannot be trapped.

“People are always after trying to trap us,” said Lucky the Leprechaun. “They seem to understand that we can disappear, yet each year they build these ridiculous traps made out of shoe boxes and string with gold as bait and try to catch us so we can grant them three wishes. We get the gold every time. They get nothing. Makes no sense. Really doesn’t.”

And while all leprechauns know they can’t be caught, one individual is saying it’s the leprechaun community that’s acting naïve.

“Last night,” said Leprechaun Joe, a member of the Leprechaun Brothers Singing Trio and creator of the ice lolly, “I watched my good laddie, Johnny Leprechaun, knowingly enter a trap -- one that a little kid and his father had built -- and just sit there in an awful way. Johnny pocketed the gold, but failed to disappear when the kid snatched him up to bring him into his suburban baile.”

Upon hearing the news this morning, leprechauns everywhere were gobsmacked.

“He’s gone in the head,” said a young leprechaun who’s currently enrolled in leprechaun school at the Institute of Leprechauns. “Was he too knackered? Why wouldn’t a fella just up an' disappear? It’s so easy. I’m only a wee freshman an' I already know how to vanish, no problem.”

Others fear the power to fade away might, one day, fade away.

“This is something we’re looking into,” said Professor Leprechaun, who teaches at the Institute. “It’s very possible to lose the gift to vanish. It could be that greenhouse gases are affecting our abilities to disappear, despite being green. This poor Johnny Leprechaun fellow may’ve been exposed to too many UV rays. We hope to learn more very soon with more funding. Go to ProtectTheLep.com to donate.”

According to Leprechaun Joe, who called the leprechaun community naïve, Johnny Leprechaun is alive and well and the “smartest of the lot of us.”

“It’s true,” he said, “Johnny Leprechaun was caught yesterday evening. When his joyous captors took him out of the trap to obtain his magic, Johnny just sat there dodderin' on and a smiling, he did. And then he ate the family whole.”

Yum.

Calling all leprechauns! Calling all leprechauns! May your troubles be less and your blessin's be more. Let’s get trapped!

Valentine’s Monster not angry for being thrown out of Halloween

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Jack-o’-Lantern Press recently sat down with the Valentine’s Monster to discuss being rejected by Halloween, what it’s like to be purple and pink, and if the monster of Feb. 14 is capable of being scary.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press: So it’s 2016, what do you think about where Valentine’s Day has gone?

Valentine’s Monster: You mean how do I feel about how you kicked me out of Halloween?

JLP: Well, Valentine’s, I personally didn’t kick you out of Halloween. The Board kicked you out.

VM: Jack, please don’t feel bad about it. I love it here in Valentine’s. I have so much love to give.

JLP: See, you say stuff like that and you wonder why you got kicked out.

VM: Oh, I know why you kicked me out.

JLP: I didn’t kick you out.

VM: I have nothing but love for all of you back home.

JLP: Do you miss Halloween?

VM: No, not really. I mean, I’m purple and pink, so I was always the butt of your jokes.

JLP: For the record, I never joked about you being purple and pink, although I know the Board had strong feelings about it. But does Valentine’s Day offer the same type of thrill you must’ve known when you were in Halloween?

VM: These days, on Halloween, I curl up with my binky and read a love-laughter-and-happily-ever-after book by Melanie Shawn. Those girls can write the romance. But honestly, Halloween just doesn’t do it for me. Valentine’s Day is really where it's at.

JLP: Valentine’s, you realize everyone from back home is going to read this, right?

VM: I feel totally fine with that, Jack. Are you uncomfortable with it?

JLP: Yeah, kind of.

VM: I don’t judge you. I love you.

JLP: Let’s switch subjects. Now, you did keep the name ‘Monster’ in your name. Do you do any good monstering on February 14? Any terrorizing or scare-orr-izing?

VM: Absolutely, Jack. I usually slip treats under the pillows of those who believe in the true spirit of love and hand out sweet little Valentine's greetings. I have so much love to give. Yeah, you could say I get in some good monstering on February 14.

JLP: But do you ever scare anyone? You are a monster deep down.

VM: Jack, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

JLP: You’ve got sharp teeth and a prickly tail, and you drool toxic slime.

VM: I’m purple and pink, and I’m a peach.

JLP: Isn’t it true you transform into a hideous boggart if you get mad?

VM: I never get mad, Jack. I have so much love to give. Don’t judge me.

JLP: I’m not judging you. But I would like to know if it’s true you become a snarling beast when your temper flares up.

VM: You’re trying to make me mad now. You’re cute.

JLP: Come on, stop that. You know I can’t take that flowery stuff. I just know you blame me for getting kicked out of Halloween and I want you to acknowledge it and get angry about it and be the monster I know you are.

VM: Stop it. I’m thrilled with how my life turned out.

JLP: Seriously, is Valentine’s Day all that, sharing Valentine’s greetings and flowers and love? I mean, I get the whole candy part, but how can you look at me and seriously tell me you’d really rather be on Feb. 14 than Oct. 31?

VM: I’d rather be on Feb. 14 than Oct. 31. And here's my 'serious' face? (Makes face)

JLP: Will you let me join you on Valentine’s Day to see what’s so great about it that you don’t need Halloween anymore?

VM: You’re sweet.

JLP: Valentine’s, I’m serious. Will you invite me to Valentine’s Day, yes or no?

VM: I have nothing but love for you, brother.

JLP: Are you saying you won’t let me in?

VM: You’re orange, Jack. Valentine’s Day is purple and pink . . . Sucks, doesn’t it?

The Valentine’s Monster will put treats under your pillow tonight if you truly believe in love. Don’t expect any scaring.

Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t see shadow, chupacabra and jackelope allegedly help him escape yearly fate

By Ginny Pig

Staff Rodents Writer

Early this Groundhog Day morning at Gobbler’s Knob in Pennsylvania, USA, before a large crowd and several gentlemen in really tall top hats and tuxedos, the groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil came out of his tree-trunk jail and saw no shadow because there was no shadow to be cast, thus confirming we won’t have another six weeks of winter. Hours after the annual Groundhog Day event, the giant grumpy squirrel turned up missing, and it’s said a chupacabra and a jakelope helped in his escape.

To confirm that we’ll have an early spring, Shubenacadie Sam, Canada’s tunnel-digging weather prognosticator, also saw no shadow, but he’s not so concerned with Phil in the wild.

“Look, I’m a groundhog, he’s a groundhog, and I have nothing personal against the guy,” Sam said, “but is anyone really gonna miss him? I think the world needs a little more Sam in their life. I can see my shadow as well as Phil can. Why not show me a little love for a change?”

Despite Sam’s sentiments, critters everywhere said they wouldn’t sleep until Phil is caught. With Phil at large, many said, the world is faced with the danger of do-overs forevermore.

“Have we forgotten what Phil is capable of doing?” said a mole rat who wishes to remain anonymous. “Not only has he taken a sip of some magic life-extending elixir so he can live forever and ever, but he’s been given the power to curse anyone or anything with the same day over and over and over again. If anyone knows the pain of that, it should be Phil. He’s been torn from his winter hibernation every year since the 1880s and asked to predict the future. He’s been very clear about how much he detests the ritual and how much he'd like a little good ol' evil revenge.”

Officials reported that they have no idea where Phil has gone. A member of the Punxsutawney Inner Circle accused a local resident who teaches GSL (Groundhogese as a Second Language) of playing a major role in the jailbreak. Gunag Etyouout, who assists the Groundhog Club President in his communication with Phil on Groundhog Day, was arrested and then later released for lack of evidence against her. She said she’s simply a teacher, not a criminal, and claimed the true culprits in the matter were a chupacabra and a jackelope who’d been spotted over the weekend “milling around town and looking suspicious.”

“It’s a known fact that Phil spends long hours on the phone almost every night with an individual in Latin America discussing goat delicacies,” Etyouout said after her release this afternoon. “And we all know about Phil's desire to visit the state of Wyoming to collect a debt from some jackhole jackelope out there who’s allegedly into Phil for over two grand. Follow the phone calls and you’ll find Phil.”

Investigators have done better. They’ve already caught Phil.

“The problem we’re up against,” said lead investigator Eyelbee Damned, “is that we wake up every morning -- the same morning -- and have to catch him all over again. We don't see any way out of this.”

To read this story again, wake up tomorrow and find yourself reading it again.