Remembering those who die again and again and again . . . for Transyl-vein-ia

We at Jack-o’-Lantern Press ask to join us on this Memorial Day to remember all those who died for Transyl-vein-ia, who came back to life only to die again, come back to life again, die again . . . It’s a vicious circle. These monsters never give up.

Friday the 13th festivities begin, teens dumber and more juvenile than ever

By Pamela Voorhees

Staff Parks and Wreck Writer

Chief executive of the Camp Crystal Lake Safety Council, Isa Nyonethere, says making it home this weekend to your psycho family and friends without getting decapitated or lit on fire is far more important than coming home with a few more notches on your machete handle. Nyonethere’s warning this Friday the 13th comes on the heels of past Friday the 13th seasons where smarter, more responsible teens have defeated our kind with little to no gratuitous gore at all.

However, Nyonethere is happy to announce that this season’s batch of campers is dumber and more reckless than ever. Hockey mask-wearing guys (and even gals) who don’t die should be ready to wreck shop.

“These kids are coming up to the lake with bikinis and booze,” Nyonethere said. “You can count on one thing: they’ll be choosing indulgence over smarts. So all you slasher psychos better capitalize on that.”

According to the camp ranger’s office, the easy targets are coming in droves. They’re even bringing little dogs that’ll eventually get lost so some poor idiot has to go out in the dark woods after them, calling for them loudly, presenting him or herself as easy bait.

“It’s going to be a good Friday the 13th holiday,” the ranger said. “The weather should be perfect.”

Reports show a nasty rainstorm on the way. It should hit right before nightfall.

“Still, these kids are showing up,” Nyonethere said. “Anyone or anything with a machete will have plenty of opportunities to cut the power to the cabins, and these kids will think it’s just the weather. Then you can go in for the cheap scare.”

Nyonethere reminds all monsters to take advantage of lightning flashes.

“Once you’ve cut the power,” Nyonethere said, “be quick to frame yourself outside cabin windows. Then strike a terrifying pose with a pitch fork or some other unique tool of terror and wait for the lighting to illuminate you for a frightful reveal to the campers inside.”

Scantily clad, bosomy teens arrived at Camp Crystal Lake early this morning, making out with each other and ready to cause mischief.

“We’re gonna do whatever we wanna do,” said one teen. “And we’re gonna get away with it because I seriously doubt all those stories about stupid campers getting massacred are even real.”

Friday the 13th festivities end tomorrow morning at 5 a.m. But there’s no harm in one last jump scare over the weekend when survivors and local police are walking over your brutally massacred corpse with the lame assumption that you’re actually dead.

Alien Day is here!

By Bishop

Staff Aliens & Androids Writer

Alien Day began with a bang. More like a splat.

On this 26th day in the 4th month of the year, folks from all walks of alien life are getting into the act of commemorating the alien life form from the exomoon LV-426, where the USCSS Nostromo encountered alien eggs a long time ago in a galaxy far -- never mind, wrong franchise. Hundreds of crawlers have initiated daylong games of hide-and-go-mutilate, while others have waged war on human colonies founded on other exomoons. The day began with the first alien to emerge from some lucky human’s chest at 12:01 a.m. on planet Earth.

“It was a beautiful, slimy, evil little rascal that burst out of that chest and onto the scene this morning,” said Dr. Comtu Papa, who helped deliver the baby creature. “This is the first time I’ve had the honor of welcoming the first baby alien on Alien Day, and what an honor it was. Blood and human innards flew in all directions, covering much of the equipment and all of us in the room. It was great. On behalf of my entire staff, we look forward to all the terror this little guy will bring to many worlds for many years to come.”

Facehuggers are celebrating the day as well, taking their joy to the streets. All over the many worlds in several galaxies everywhere, these eight-legged, long-tailed parasitoids have been in search of faces to hug and hosts to implant their proboscises for implantation. No facehugger could comment due to their inability to speak.

Live bands and other entertainment have provided a backdrop for all the activity today. Plus, the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, which operates several human colonies through the Extrasolar Colonization Administration and was instrumental in exploiting humans and androids to get their hands on the Xenomorph alien species, is offering a dizzying array of food trucks and children’s activities all around the universe.

“We’ll have story time with various Xenomorph queens, depending on which world you’re visiting to celebrate Alien Day,” said event organizer Ann Droid. “And some planets will have rides. My favorite is the UD-4L Cheyenne Dropship Drop. When you fall from the belly of one of those US Colonial Marine space crafts while in orbit, you get such a rush.”

Other “things” to keep watch for during Alien Day can be found at Collider.com right HERE. Check it out.

We at Jack-o’-Lantern Press hope you make it a great day today. Please, don’t be safe. And keep us updated on the happenings of the day via our Twitter and Facebook pages.

Tips to use in Earthling abduction tournament this weekend

By Abdah Ketir

Staff Alien Abductions Writer

Want to do well in the 17th Annual Earthling Abduction Tournament this weekend?

Alien Day on April 26 is fast-approaching and the abduction tournament this weekend is another indication that the big day is almost here. Experts from Humans In The Light, a professional abducting resource, revealed a few hidden tournament secrets that will push you past the competition.

“Abducting is not an escape from life,” said Humans In The Light President Ross Well, “but often a deeper immersion into it. The most powerful tool you have to catch humans is being in the right state of mind.”

According to Well, if you keep worrying about how an E.T. in another valley is doing, you’re going to be seriously off your game.

“It’s not just your own problems that can interfere with your abducting,” Well said. “Fellow competitors are only too happy to mess with your head.”

Maybe you’ve had a great pre-abduction and you figure you can put 4,000 to 6,000 pounds in the saucer, no problem. You’ve been pitching Americans and landing Brits. Life is good. Until you reach the space station.

“You’re walking across the bridge,” Well said, “toward your planetary rover, and you spot one of your competitors in the wipe-down area. Worse yet, he spots you. He asks how you did. You tell him you wrangled in 8,000 pounds. Of course, he’s gonna tell you he pulled in 10,000. Rule No. 1: Abductors lie, especially to other abductors.”

Well suggests you not focus on the competition at claw. Instead, he reminds all aliens to envision a good time.

“After all, that’s what abducting is about, not the number of humans you’ve tractor-beamed to your saucer,” Well said.

According to Litesover Phoenix, a lower-level representative of Humans In The Light, doing well in a tournament means understanding humans and familiarizing yourself with tournament environments.

“The better an abductor can understand his or her quarry,” Phoenix said, “the better or more successful he or she will be at catching it.”

According to Phoenix, the most important factor when human abducting is understanding how humans react to changing conditions and how they use their senses (taste, feel, sight, smell, etc.).

If it’s cold, humans tend to stay indoors. If it’s warm, they tend to be out an about. So go to where it’s warm, Phoenix said.

Also note that humans eat three times a day -- in the morning, around noon and at night. So go to where the food can be found at times when the humans should be feeding, but don’t go to populated areas or you risk scaring them away or worse, you risk nuclear warfare when human governments find out we truly exist.

“Hit up those way out-of-the-way In-N-Out Burger joints,” Phoenix said. “Those places are swarming with schools of humans, and due to the fact that you're in the middle of nowhere, you’ll have the necessary time to get people into your craft before any word gets out to the authorities. The burgers at those places are good, too.”

Other experts suggest establishing patterns, setting goals, learning the difference between weekday and weekend abducting, and using the proper bait to attract humans to your light.

“We offer all kinds of ways to better your abducting experiences,” Well said. “It’s really only one telekinetic click away.”

Learn more at HumansInTheLight.mon. And good luck this weekend at the tournament.

Saucer flyover today will recognize historic UFO landing on this day in1948

To honor the heroes who, on this day in 1948, came from galaxies far, far away to Earth to invade and abduct humans, one of the largest assemblies of pre-1950s UFOs will cross the U.S., flying over 17 key cities this afternoon. The flyover will include dozens of attack saucers, alien abduction cruisers and even a wide variety of vintage Crop Circle 100s touring in 10 historically-sequenced otherworldly formations overhead. The formations will represent the April 8, 1948 invasion of Earth, from the Early Morning Alien Encounter through the 10:27 a.m. Assault on Old MacDonald’s Farm, and concluding with a staged abduction synchronized to “Taps.” The flyovers will begin at 12:30 p.m. (PT) in Modesto, CA, and will continue throughout the country until 4 p.m., finishing in Washington D.C. where aliens will seek the country’s leaders. Go to FindFlyoversAndGetAbducted.mon for a complete schedule of today’s event. Today also marks 18 more days till Alien Day. Be ready!

Support Daleks in human takeover

By Al Eean

Staff Skies Writer

War is expensive and Transyl-vein-ia is turning to ordinary monsters for help in a global takeover led by the Daleks, an extraterrestrial race of mutants who are evil, not good, bent on the extermination of the inferior human race.

The Transyl-vein-ia Treasury is now offering war bonds for monsters to purchase. These war bonds will help support Dalek troops in their noble quest to rid the world of good.

“A war bond is both an investment in one’s world and an investment in one’s own financial future,” said Transyl-vein-ia Treasury representative Ineeda Yermunny. “This month, as Jack-o’-Lantern Press is looking to the skies to celebrate alien species, we’re offering $25 war bonds for just $18.75 each. We’ll even throw in a set of Ginsu knives at no additional cost if you purchase the bonds within the next 48 hours of this story’s post.”

The monster government will use your monies to help pay for human-sized pepper shakers for mutant exterior cover, space crafts to get Dalek armies to Earth, death rays for human extinction and everything else needed to fight and win.

"So, that's the investment you'll be making in your world," Termunny said. "Ten years from the time you purchased your war bond, you'll be able to redeem it and get $25. That's the investment you'll be making in your financial future. That's $6.25!"

According to a Dalek mutant, who wishes to remain unidentified, the Dalek army is just trying to get rid of human pests on Earth as quickly as possible.

“We just want to exterminate,” the mutant said. “Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminaaaaate!”

The Dalek species is a superior race. Davros, the one who created Daleks, took all emotion out of his creations' personalities in order to make them superior to any other beings, that way they could take over anything inferior. As a result, all that would remain is Dalek perfection.

“This call for Dalek support is an outrage,” said The Doctor, a centuries-old alien who travels through space and time in a TARDIS. “Vote ‘no’ on Daleks. Stop extermination today.”

Critics of The Doctor say he’s just against the Daleks because he’s not part of the Daleks’ superior race.

“I got news for most of the Jack-o’-Lantern Press readership,” The Doctor said. “Neither are you.”

The Doctor may have something there, in which case, don’t buy war bonds, get out your telescopes, look to the skies and contact The Doctor immediately at 1-800-WHOisWHOyouGONNAcall if you see Dalek space craft approaching.

Alien Day on 4-26

JackOLanternPress.com looks to the skies this month as we recognize Alien Day on 4-26. 

Why 4-26? Well, LV-426 is the exomoon where the USCSS Nostromo encountered alien eggs. Who knows? If the Nostromo never landed, we may never have had the pleasure of calling those cuddly little critters on that planet our friends.

So check out JLP every now and then throughout April for news and stories from above. And celebrate Alien terror with us on the 26th.