Valentine’s Monster not angry for being thrown out of Halloween

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Jack-o’-Lantern Press recently sat down with the Valentine’s Monster to discuss being rejected by Halloween, what it’s like to be purple and pink, and if the monster of Feb. 14 is capable of being scary.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press: So it’s 2016, what do you think about where Valentine’s Day has gone?

Valentine’s Monster: You mean how do I feel about how you kicked me out of Halloween?

JLP: Well, Valentine’s, I personally didn’t kick you out of Halloween. The Board kicked you out.

VM: Jack, please don’t feel bad about it. I love it here in Valentine’s. I have so much love to give.

JLP: See, you say stuff like that and you wonder why you got kicked out.

VM: Oh, I know why you kicked me out.

JLP: I didn’t kick you out.

VM: I have nothing but love for all of you back home.

JLP: Do you miss Halloween?

VM: No, not really. I mean, I’m purple and pink, so I was always the butt of your jokes.

JLP: For the record, I never joked about you being purple and pink, although I know the Board had strong feelings about it. But does Valentine’s Day offer the same type of thrill you must’ve known when you were in Halloween?

VM: These days, on Halloween, I curl up with my binky and read a love-laughter-and-happily-ever-after book by Melanie Shawn. Those girls can write the romance. But honestly, Halloween just doesn’t do it for me. Valentine’s Day is really where it's at.

JLP: Valentine’s, you realize everyone from back home is going to read this, right?

VM: I feel totally fine with that, Jack. Are you uncomfortable with it?

JLP: Yeah, kind of.

VM: I don’t judge you. I love you.

JLP: Let’s switch subjects. Now, you did keep the name ‘Monster’ in your name. Do you do any good monstering on February 14? Any terrorizing or scare-orr-izing?

VM: Absolutely, Jack. I usually slip treats under the pillows of those who believe in the true spirit of love and hand out sweet little Valentine's greetings. I have so much love to give. Yeah, you could say I get in some good monstering on February 14.

JLP: But do you ever scare anyone? You are a monster deep down.

VM: Jack, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

JLP: You’ve got sharp teeth and a prickly tail, and you drool toxic slime.

VM: I’m purple and pink, and I’m a peach.

JLP: Isn’t it true you transform into a hideous boggart if you get mad?

VM: I never get mad, Jack. I have so much love to give. Don’t judge me.

JLP: I’m not judging you. But I would like to know if it’s true you become a snarling beast when your temper flares up.

VM: You’re trying to make me mad now. You’re cute.

JLP: Come on, stop that. You know I can’t take that flowery stuff. I just know you blame me for getting kicked out of Halloween and I want you to acknowledge it and get angry about it and be the monster I know you are.

VM: Stop it. I’m thrilled with how my life turned out.

JLP: Seriously, is Valentine’s Day all that, sharing Valentine’s greetings and flowers and love? I mean, I get the whole candy part, but how can you look at me and seriously tell me you’d really rather be on Feb. 14 than Oct. 31?

VM: I’d rather be on Feb. 14 than Oct. 31. And here's my 'serious' face? (Makes face)

JLP: Will you let me join you on Valentine’s Day to see what’s so great about it that you don’t need Halloween anymore?

VM: You’re sweet.

JLP: Valentine’s, I’m serious. Will you invite me to Valentine’s Day, yes or no?

VM: I have nothing but love for you, brother.

JLP: Are you saying you won’t let me in?

VM: You’re orange, Jack. Valentine’s Day is purple and pink . . . Sucks, doesn’t it?

The Valentine’s Monster will put treats under your pillow tonight if you truly believe in love. Don’t expect any scaring.

Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t see shadow, chupacabra and jackelope allegedly help him escape yearly fate

By Ginny Pig

Staff Rodents Writer

Early this Groundhog Day morning at Gobbler’s Knob in Pennsylvania, USA, before a large crowd and several gentlemen in really tall top hats and tuxedos, the groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil came out of his tree-trunk jail and saw no shadow because there was no shadow to be cast, thus confirming we won’t have another six weeks of winter. Hours after the annual Groundhog Day event, the giant grumpy squirrel turned up missing, and it’s said a chupacabra and a jakelope helped in his escape.

To confirm that we’ll have an early spring, Shubenacadie Sam, Canada’s tunnel-digging weather prognosticator, also saw no shadow, but he’s not so concerned with Phil in the wild.

“Look, I’m a groundhog, he’s a groundhog, and I have nothing personal against the guy,” Sam said, “but is anyone really gonna miss him? I think the world needs a little more Sam in their life. I can see my shadow as well as Phil can. Why not show me a little love for a change?”

Despite Sam’s sentiments, critters everywhere said they wouldn’t sleep until Phil is caught. With Phil at large, many said, the world is faced with the danger of do-overs forevermore.

“Have we forgotten what Phil is capable of doing?” said a mole rat who wishes to remain anonymous. “Not only has he taken a sip of some magic life-extending elixir so he can live forever and ever, but he’s been given the power to curse anyone or anything with the same day over and over and over again. If anyone knows the pain of that, it should be Phil. He’s been torn from his winter hibernation every year since the 1880s and asked to predict the future. He’s been very clear about how much he detests the ritual and how much he'd like a little good ol' evil revenge.”

Officials reported that they have no idea where Phil has gone. A member of the Punxsutawney Inner Circle accused a local resident who teaches GSL (Groundhogese as a Second Language) of playing a major role in the jailbreak. Gunag Etyouout, who assists the Groundhog Club President in his communication with Phil on Groundhog Day, was arrested and then later released for lack of evidence against her. She said she’s simply a teacher, not a criminal, and claimed the true culprits in the matter were a chupacabra and a jackelope who’d been spotted over the weekend “milling around town and looking suspicious.”

“It’s a known fact that Phil spends long hours on the phone almost every night with an individual in Latin America discussing goat delicacies,” Etyouout said after her release this afternoon. “And we all know about Phil's desire to visit the state of Wyoming to collect a debt from some jackhole jackelope out there who’s allegedly into Phil for over two grand. Follow the phone calls and you’ll find Phil.”

Investigators have done better. They’ve already caught Phil.

“The problem we’re up against,” said lead investigator Eyelbee Damned, “is that we wake up every morning -- the same morning -- and have to catch him all over again. We don't see any way out of this.”

To read this story again, wake up tomorrow and find yourself reading it again.

Zombies hope for apocalypse 2016

 

Zombies hope to finally seal the deal and finally take over the world come midnight tonight. According to a group of walkers outside the JLP Pumpkin Patch earlier today, it’s a “no-brainer.” There won’t be any brains left, they said, by the time the clock strikes 12.

Franken-Claws brings horrifying cheer, Grinch and Krampus also spotted this year

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, full of joy and cheer, and Franken-Claws did his best to terrify good little boys and girls who set out their Sant-o’-lanterns on Christmas Eve. According to sources, he left hundreds of thousands of packages filled with bugs and worms and other really cool things all kids love.

The Grinch made stops at houses around the globe as well. He had other plans. He stole people’s trees, bells, lights and elves, and also their ribbons, wrappings, trimmings and trappings. Then he took it 3,000 feet up, up the side of Mt. Crumpit, to the tiptop to dump it.

“I was thrilled to wake up and see what he took,” said Valencia, CA, resident Al Waysbizzy. “You know how long it would’ve taken me to pull all my decorations down and put it all away myself? Consider that job done.”

Krampus, the Christmas beast that destroys people who’ve misbehaved throughout the year, was spotted making his rounds on Dec. 24. According to authorities, however, all members of Congress are still accounted for. Critics say he may be getting too old for his job.

Willie from 'Twilight Zone' to finally be inducted into Dummy Hall of Fame

 

Willie the dummy from “The Twilight Zone” is finally being recognized for his terror in dummydom and will be inducted into the Dummy Hall of Fame this evening. On May 4, 1962, he first made his appearance on “The Twilight Zone” and not only terrorized ventriloquist Jerry Etherson, but also audiences who tuned in. Networks airing “Twilight Zone” marathons today for Thanksgiving will likely show Willie's episode, “The Dummy,” in recognition of tonight’s honoree. Those to speak at the Hall of Fame event include Slappy from “Goosebumps,” dummy entertainers Charlie McCarthy, Mortimer Snerd and Goofy Goggles, whom Willie shared the screen with on TV. Willie Talk will also make a special guest appearance. Whether the dummies will bring their human counterparts tonight to pull their strings or not has yet to be announced.

Tom the Turkey Terror spotted going after turkey farmers

 

Turkey farmers all over America have been reporting Tom the Turkey Terror sightings all day. Throughout November, these farms have been making claims that they had nothing but the highest quality poultry. Now they have no poultry at all. Some now have birds that resemble the walking dead with wings. In several cases, the Terror allegedly orchestrated breakouts. In others, he zombified the turkeys and they fought back against farmers who were previously coming after them with hatchets. It seems Tom is making good on a promise he made earlier this month when reporters spoke with him about his plans for the season. He said, “I can’t wait to find someone who thinks he’s gonna put me on his Thanksgiving dish. I’m going after all those scavengers with turkey on the brain. Gonna be turkey on your face.” Many turkey farmers claimed they’d be re-branding their businesses since getting word about the sightings. One farmer, Willie Byrd, said he was going to phase out the whole “turkey dinner” thing and replace it with a business model that allows guests to view turkeys in their natural habitat. That way, he said, he doesn’t have to worry about getting a visit from Tom. If you see the Terror, please contact the Transyl-vein-ia Wild Bird Agency at 666-ReportBirds. They're keeping track of Tom's noble efforts.

Turkey talks Thanksgiving, Black Friday, accounting and more

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

As a jack-o’-lantern who’s managed to survive decades of Halloweens by avoiding and/or outsmarting tricksters with airborne pumpkins on their minds, who’s also successfully stayed away from the pie tin on Thanksgiving, I can relate with Tom Turkey (no relation to Tom the Turkey Terror, a turkey who goes after and eats those giving thanks via bird consumption). Tom Turkey, like me, has also managed to avoid his fate on his respective holiday.

The two of us -- pumpkin and turkey -- recently sat down at a nondescript coffee shop in a small town, which I’m unable to disclose due to reasons related to Tom’s safety at this time of year, and we discussed the holiday season, Tom’s secret for burning calories, Black Friday and more.

I arrived at the coffee shop 15 minutes early. Tom wasn’t there yet. I recognized faces from the crime pages of newspapers long ago-- the place is most likely the witness protection program’s dumping ground for criminal America. Many turkeys and even jack-o’-lanterns I hadn’t seen since the early 1900s were also living protected lives here.

Tom walked in six minutes before or scheduled interview. He was talking to himself.

“Heather, does my waddle look straight?” he said to no one I could make out.

Tom sat down, ordered a coffee and a parfait, and we got down to it.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press: I couldn’t help but overhear what you were saying as you walked in. So who’s Heather?

Tom Turkey: She’s my right-hand feather, handles all my appearances after that near disaster on ‘The Emeril’ show. How was I supposed to know he had a new deep fryer that he wanted me to try?

JLP: Yikes. How old are you, Tom?

TT: Wait, what? Are you carding me? I’m legal. See? Here’s my I.D. (Goes into his feathers.) Here it is. I know it doesn’t look like me, but who takes a good picture at the DMV?

JLP: Where do you come from and where do you reside?

TT: I come from a nest in Iowa. Just a small town bird living in a lonely world. Right now I’m in hiding. If I tell your readers where, my goose is cooked, metaphorically speaking.

JLP: What do you do for a living?

TT: I’m a butcher. (Laughs.) Kidding. I’m really an accountant, but you’d be surprised how many people fall for that butcher line.

JLP: What is your biggest challenge this Thanksgiving season?

TT: (Breaks into song.) Stayin’ alive, ah-ha, ah-ha, stayin’ aliiiiive. Love that tune. Great for dancing, which is also a great way to burn off all those extra calories after Thanksgiving, by the way. Want to see some of my moves?

JLP: Sure. (Tom gets out of the booth, dances.) That’s great. So how have you been able to escape the turkey platter in the past?

TT: (Sits back down, tries to catch his breath.) That’s (takes breath) classified (takes another breath) information (takes a few more breaths). How do I know you aren’t an informant for a factory farm? Tell you this, though, they don’t call me The Gobbler for nothing.

JLP: How will you fend off the turkey carvers this year?

TT: I started a petition asking the President (of the United States) for a pardon. I offered to send the First Lady my Vegducken recipe, too. Maybe she’ll put in a good word.

JLP: Do you enjoy this time of year at all?

TT: Love those Black Friday sales. I just claw my way to the front of the line. Don’t even think about trying to beat me out of that 100-inch flat screen. Then it’s home to watch football, although, unless I put my glasses on, I keep thinking they’re passing Uncle Frank across the field. We lost him last year. Talk about a fowl.

JLP: What’s your favorite time of year -- if not this time of year -- and what do you do for fun/where do you go for fun?

TT: Easter. No one eats turkey for Easter so we can sit back and chug chocolate eggs with the bunny without having to keep a lookout for some maniac with a carving knife. Sometimes we play a little ‘Duck, Duck, Goose.’ Our favorite vacation spot is Turkey. We fit right in there.

JLP: What do you eat on Thanksgiving?

TT: I’m partial to a good Waldorf salad. Seriously, we always get a nice honey-baked ham. Might not be good for you, but we can’t be eating cousin Mable now, can we? Although, after she got sloshed last year, the thought did occur. For the vegetarians in the crowd, we make a nice Tofurky, but we don’t even want to pretend we’re cannibals. Heather says we have to call it ‘tofu with the flavors of fall’ to be PC. We wash it down with Wild Turkey -- no relation.

JLP: OK, so I’m gonna fire off some questions like James Lipton from ‘Inside the Actors Studio.’ Here we go. What’s your favorite color?

TT: Purple. Was that a trick question? Do you think all turkeys like the same color? That just ruffles my feathers.

JLP: What’s your favorite word?

TT: Dessert. In our language it means the carnage is over.

JLP: What’s your least favorite word?

TT: Two words -- meat thermometer. I also really detest the phrase ‘gobble gobble gobble.’ It’s a really demeaning stereotype. We’re strict followers of Miss Manners and Emily Post.

JLP: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

TT: Super Turkey. My feathers double as a cape and you don’t even want to be in my way if I leap at you from a tall building.

JLP: What profession would you not want to attempt?

TT: Let’s face it -- being a ballerina would be embarrassing. I really don’t have the body for it.

JLP: If Turkey Heaven exists, what would you like to hear the Turkey Gods say when you arrive at the Turkey Gates?

TT: That is such a common misperception. There is no such thing as Turkey Heaven. We go to the same one you do. Which means you might have some ‘splaining to do since y’all are responsible for us arriving there first.

JLP: I’m proud to say I’ve never had turkey. I stick to candle wax. So is there anything else you’d like to tell our readers?

TT: Don’t forget, when you cut into cousin Rufus, you say ‘Delicious,’ we say, ‘Call the undertaker.’ And please, they call it Stove Top Stuffing for a reason -- no need to be putting it up our you-know-whats.

JLP: Tom, it’s been a pleasure talking with you. I know you’re not really a monster, but, being a talking turkey, we figured the monster readership of the world would recognize you as a supernatural being of some sort. I find you quite fascinating.

TT: Thank you. And thanks for talking to me. Hey, this was good timing. I think Heather and I need to leave for an appearance on ‘Top Chef.’ (Talks to himself.) What’s that, Heather? (Listens.) You don’t think I should do that one either? (Looks back up.) In that case, we’ll waddle back to Twitter. If any of your readers want to chat, just follow @TheTomTurkey, but not with a carving knife. I’m always willing to send turkey scratch to most anyone interested in typing.