By Werewolf Blitzer
Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer
Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential race is
heating up, and candidates are literally fighting each other tooth, nail and
machete as they head into next week’s debates.
Creatures from all walks and crawls of
life and non-life are vying for the coveted President’s throne in 2016.
“I’d say it’s a pretty close race and
anyone or anything can win at this point,” said Giant Ant, an enormous insect
covering the election. Ant is accustomed to complex social structures, as he’s covered
many ant colony queen elections, and he said this race, thus far, is the
hairiest (and scariest) he's seen.
From a werewolf and a vampire, a monster
created in a lab and a slasher psycho, to a sea creature and a few goblins,
this race, Ant said, comes with a wide range of viewpoints.
Count Dracula wants more blood banks. He
claims it’s a must and said the entire vampire community supports him
completely.
Sea Creature is out to solve the pollution
shortage in our water, which he says is only getting worse.
Jason, the hockey mask-wearing slasher
psycho, has been very vocal about the need for more teens in the area. He
suggested building additional campgrounds in the Transyl-vein-ia Creek area and
busing in kids on a monthly basis.
Frankenstein’s Monster, on the other hand,
says energy is more important.
“Without it,” the Monster said, “our
handmade people simply can’t survive.”
Man things all over the monster world have
criticized our current leader, the Electrified Creature, for abusing energy for
his own good. Frankenstein’s Monster said he’d get it under control if he was
president and he’d give more power to the common creature.
Female monsters of the night are pushing
for Elvira to run, but she’s yet to release a statement in response. Sources
said she might make a surprise announcement during next week’s debate.
Candidates will certainly have something to say about the issues so close to
her literally bleeding heart.
Other topics bound to come up during next week's discussion include the problems
we face with humans crossing over from their dimension to ours.
“Our current leaders seem to think this intruding
danger is going to go away by itself,” said Count Dracula. “Every day, humans
are coming over with wooden stakes looking for my kind’s burial grounds. It’s
getting to the point where we can’t get a good day’s rest anymore.”
Of the goblins to take part in next week’s debate,
Goblin P. Monster is running on a strong platform. He says he wants do away
with President Electrified Creature’s healthcare program.
“When have monsters ever gotten sick?” he told
reporters yesterday during a press conference. “If you think about it, we all
pretty much live forever. And if we did happen to die, when have we not come
back to life to haunt again in some sequel?”
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