Ghost of Steve Jobs introduces plans for better new iPhone to group of investors in Steampunk Corridor

By Sean Punkt

Staff Steampunk Writer

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- The ghost of Steve Jobs, pissed that the new iPhone in the human world appears to be a piece of crap, introduced plans for what he’s calling a better new iPhone to a group of investors in the Steampunk Corridor.

The smartphone, according to plans, will be steam-powered, and will include apps that trigger copper mechanics that unfold out of the device and give users the ability to use their phones as a crossbow, an automaton or an espresso maker, among other things.

“The proposed devices are heavy and a little noisy,” Jobs said as his apparition floated above the presentation stage, “but it’s a lot more handy than a device filled with just photo-editing tools, jewel games and a wall-to-wall screen with no home button whatsoever.”

The phone doesn’t come with a charging port because it doesn’t need to be charged. Simply refill it with water at your nearest pumping station in your home, and that’s it, your steam-powered device is ready to go again.

This iPhone, like the one in the human world, also has no headphone jack. That’s because the only music you’ll want to hear is the stuff being pumped through the loudspeakers all over, which Jobs is trying to install pretty much everywhere.

Other features include gauges to measure stuff (even stuff you don’t need to gauge), spinning wheels and gadgetry that may or may not have a purpose, and a time travel setting.

“Show me any phone in the human world that does that,” Jobs’ ghost said.

Several Steampunk Corridor investors seemed to be interested in Jobs’ plan. Others were too caught up with the photo-editing apps and jewel games on the human version of the iPhone that Jobs brought along to compare with his, dumbfounded by how it’s powered without steam, and captivated by its no-copper, no-rivets, no-spinning-wheels sleekness.

Robot dance club gets needed reboot

By The Weird Scientist
Staff Tech Writer
 
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Critics of the Robot Lounge and Dance Club on Doom Drive called the dance moves at the once hot spot tired and predictable, but with new charging stations and update jacks right in the walls and at the tables, there’s been an unsuspected robot uprising there.

Even terminator machines have been going.

“I can’t calculate what my dance partner is gonna do anymore,” said a sweaty, but not winded and certainly fully-charged T-666 who was speaking to the press late last night at the club. “You can bet that each night when I’m return from the past where I’m looking for the leader of the human resistance, I’ll be here at Robot Lounge puttin’ on the moves. And if I start to slow or become a little dull, I simply plug in and get what I need. This place is back, just like me!”

The T-666 was caught doing some dope hand hops, flares, head spins and even the jam boogie on the dance floor.

“Before, we could only do moves like The Sprinkler, The Cabbage Patch, The Lawnmower and, one of my favorites, The Running Man,” said the T-13, another terminator. “We could operate heavy artillery and mimic human life, but we couldn’t do The Moonwalk to save our operating systems. Now I’m a real dancing machine . . . literally!”

According to Robot Lounge officials, robot patrons will also be able to get firmware updates and USB-imported snacks at the bar. You can even get service packs, hot fixes and other goodies with enhanced features, intelligence and new sub-routines, which will be available in the restrooms where you can dump old files in the trash (or recycle bins, depending on your O.S.).

And while robots are thrilled to have a great place to go and play, hackers are already trying to create viruses to infiltrate the lounge’s network.

“A robot uprising is one thing,” said the leader of one mad scientist group in the area looking to take over the world. “An uprising with robots who dare, dream, smile, sing loudly and dance is something totally different.”

Graffiti found on medieval dungeon wall

By Attila the Hun the 2nd-and-a-Half

Staff Dark Ages Writer

WITCHES MEADOW -- A local wizard was taking his nightly constitutional in the neighborhood late yesterday evening when he came across a rather large piece of graffiti on the north side of the Rottenham Dungeons.

Unfortunately, the medieval jail doesn’t have security cameras, so dungeon keepers were unable to catch the culprit.

“We live in the Dark Ages,” said the Head Headsman of the Dungeons. “We don’t have new age digital gadgetry like ‘surveillance cameras’ and ‘security systems.’ So I made a call to a guy I went to ghoul school with, who’s now a resident in the Mad Science District, and he put an enforcer robot with a DNA tracker on the job. What we discovered was that the spray-paint artist was having some fun following the big Witching Hour fest-evil the other night, but then made the mistake of leaving human cells all over the dungeon wall he defaced and all the way back to his dwelling in the woods near Thorn Thicket. Now said artist is doing 100 years in the Dungeons. The only DNA trail he’ll be making any time soon will be the one he makes to my chopping block.”

Dark Ages, indeed. When asked how the Head Headsman made a phone call from a medieval dungeon to his pally in the Mad Science District, he simply said, “These days, even we have cell phones. Mine’s getting a little glitchy, though. I’ll probably have to run a firmware update following the double-header I’ve got planned this Sunday."