Wicked witch refuses to do moon flyby this Halloween

By Al “Things” Green

Staff Night Creatures Writer

The wicked witch who usually flies by the moon on Halloween night says she’s not doing it this year.

Some say All Hallows’ Eve won’t be the same without the flyby.

“You've got Santa Claus driving his sleigh with his reindeer, E.T. in a basket on Elliot's bike and the wicked witch on her magic broom," said Ernest P. Goblin, who looks forward to seeing the popular icon every October 31st. "How can she not give us that all-important spectacle? If I could fly on a magic broom, you know I’d be all over it.”

The wicked witch told reporters she’d gladly give Goblin the power.

“You try riding a broom at my age,” she said. “You ever ride a bike with one of those tiny, hard plastic seats? Kills your bottom, don’t it? Your cheeks get all numb, your underwear rides up on you . . . Just imagine no seat at all. And when you’re up in the sky that high, you hit turbulence and it's bumpy as all get out. It makes it all the worse. I loathe it.”

The wicked witch added that she’s also becoming more and more afraid of heights as she gets older.

“OK, so I have a fear of falling,” she said. “That’s not the point. The bottom line is I don’t need no raggedy broom to get around. I’m a witch -- I can appear wherever I want like Captain Kirk. So I’m just not gonna fly around on sticks anymore. This year, I’m gonna lay out in the swamps and work on my color. My green is starting to fade big time. Someone else can fly through the moon.”

Other witches have begged to take over the role, but the Transyl-vein-ia Witches Commission has been slow to process applications. They’re hoping to have a new witch for the flyby in time for the big night.