OBIT: Elmer Soda

Elmer Soda, 22, of some town in the human world, died Monday evening while walking his dog through his neighborhood park. He was born July 1, 2021, in some other town in the human world to Lawrence and Jill Soda.

While bleeding out on the sidewalk due to a nasty wound to the jugular, Soda claimed that he lived a good life. Asked what caused what would eventually be the death of him, he said a werewolf had bitten him during the full moon.

“Ahhhh-nahhh-ahhh,” he screamed literally minutes before he left the world.

Soda worked as an expediter in the food service industry. He had no significant other and no friends. His parents had already previously died, he has no siblings, and he really had no friends. Many of his co-workers said they thought he was a dweeb.

An avid gamer, Soda leaves hundreds of video games and numerous video game systems behind. He’s survived by no actual living beings. But, by the looks of his wounds and the nature of his death, Soda is no doubt survived — meaning, he will survive, and on the next full moon he’ll most likely be back, this time on the prowl, essentially making this obit null and void. Can someone say "werewolf party"?

Halloween season off with a slap: New reads, movies, mazes, more!

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

 

WITCHES MEADOW -- Ouch, that hurt!

 

During the Witching Hour fest-evilties a few minutes after midnight last night in Spell Willows, where bewitched witches once again opened Transylveinya’s Great Portals to the human world for the Halloween season, a carny stepped out of line on his way up the winding path to the magical pathway and smacked one of the singing sorcerers.

 

“Keep my wife’s name out your chanting mouth!” the carny then yelled before cutting back into line a few spaces ahead of where he previously waited.

 

The smacked witch had been knee-deep in one of the spells that opens the Great Portals and keeps them ajar for the Halloween season as haunters from Transylveinya head over to the human world to crawl under beds, creep into closets and lurk behind corners and bushes.

 

“Double, double toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble,” the witch had shouted. Evidently, the circus man’s wife’s name is Bubbles.

 

Perhaps going through a rough patch in his life, the carny, identified as one Mr. Indrasil with the Farnum & Williams’ All-American 3-Ring Circus and Side Show, refused to speak with Jack-o’-Lantern Press on the grounds that we needed to eff off. 

 

Mr. Indrasil then joined hundreds of other creepy carnival cast members who lined up in Witches Meadow last night, and slipped through a portal with no consequences for his actions. He and his fellow carnies will take over evil big tops and freaky fairs in the human world throughout the season.

 

Many of those unsavory types are chronicled in a new paperback horror anthology from Cemetery Dance Publications called “Midnight Under the Big Top,” which you can find HERE, edited by Brian James Freeman. You can even read about Mr. Indrasil himself in a tale called “The Night of the Tiger,” as told by master storyteller Stephen King, which kicks off the collection. 

The group of carnies is only one of the super teams that departed for the human world last night. During Media Day yesterday before the Witching Hour Fest-evil in Witches Meadow, multiple monsters had been clapping up their own crews and sharing with JLP what they have in store for humans this year.

 

How about aliens and Martians coming together this Halloween season to haunt humans? Scary Monsters magazine just dropped their summer 2023 “not-of-this-world issue,” featuring stories about life forms outside Earth of “all sizes and shapes with intentions good and bad,” as described by publisher/editor Don A. Smeraldi. In our view, Mr. Smeraldi, bad is always good. Check out the magazine HERE and learn more about some of the most extra extraterrestrials and their exploits to take over the third rock from the sun.

Or what about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde coming together with the Phantom of the Opera, the Hunchback of Notre Dame and the Invisible Man in mazes this year at Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights? That’s a juggernaut of a squad! Dr. Jekyll told JLP that their maze will kill. Mr. Hyde just screamed at us, and the Invisible Man laughed. We couldn’t make out any of Hunchback’s grunts. Check out what Halloween Horror Nights is scaring up HERE. Other mazes at Universal’s American parks include “Chucky: Ultimate Kill Count,” “The Exorcist: Believer” and “Stranger Things 4.”

Oogie Boogie Man is carrying his team on his back with Disneyland Resort fans lining up to see him during the Oogie Boogie Bash, a Halloween after-hours party that takes place throughout the month of October in Disney California Adventure. Are you excited to join the festivities? That’s great. The event sold out! Like Taylor Swift, Disney’s singin’ and dancin’ bag of worms reportedly broke the ticketing system and, according to a mid-July report from KTLA 5, sales were done “on the first day tickets were available.” You can always head over to Disneyland to catch one of the lonesome ghosts from the famous Mickey Mouse cartoon fittingly titled “Lonesome Ghosts.” Said ghost is trapped in a mirror and will greet you while in line for the not-to-be-missed “Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway” attraction.

 

But if that’s not enough to satisfy your ghoulish needs, not to fear. Those seeking some freaky fun who live in the L.A. area (or who otherwise don’t mind the trip) should check out the Mystic Museum right HERE, located in Boobank — sorry, Burbank — CA. One of the current exhibits there is the horror immersive experience “Y2 Kills,” a celebration of horror films from the 2000s. The museum also offers “The Lost Toys” vintage horror toy exhibit, but you’ll have to check that out in a hurry — the last day to see that is Aug. 6.

Other Transylveinya monsters of all types who began passing through the Great Portals to the human world during the Witching Hour last night told JLP that they had plans of spending the entire Halloween season in a variety of haunts being offered for so-called “entertainment” purposes. 

 

Knott’s Scary Farm is celebrating its 50th year, their website proclaiming the venue as the “longest-running and most haunting Halloween theme park in Southern California” and boasting “more than 1,000 horrifying creatures lurking in the fog and hiding across every inch of the park.” This year’s haunt is to include 10 frightening mazes, five sinister scare zones and four hair-raising shows. Click HERE for more information.

To find other haunts across the U.S. that monsters will be frequenting for the season, check out HauntWorld.com HERE, where you can also read haunt reviews. TheScareFactor.com HERE is also a good resource that lists haunts and haunted house reviews across the Midwest and New England.

 

But for those who don’t want to be so up close and personal with their fellow monsters, perhaps a view from behind a screen is preferred. Ghosts, demons, vampires, killer dolls, maniacal machines, werewolves, psychopaths … teenagers! can all be found on both the big and small screen. Rotten Tomatoes listed new horror movies coming this Halloween season HERE. New horror, thriller and supernatural movies are streaming each week on Shudder HERE. And have you heard about Screambox yet? CableTV.com wrote in July that Shudder was still the best horror streaming service, but that Screambox is “breathing down Shudder’s neck.” Check it out HERE.

 

There’s so much more to expect from monsters who are invading the human world this Halloween season. JLP hopes to be your guide from now until October 31st. We plan to post our typical news stories from the monster universe and their goings-on in the human world, including our monster obits, but we’re also hoping to bring you monster movie reviews, our takes on some classic “sounds of Halloween” albums, spooky tales, interviews with those who live in or dabble in the monster world, as well as feature stories about these people and/or creatures. And we might even offer some commentary and analyses on things that go bump in the night. So, keep JLP bookmarked in your browser.

 

As always, JLP fans can continue to expect discussions about monsters and Halloween on the “Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast” with brothers Michael and Tom Picarella, and topics about all things Halloween on the 31st of every month that has a 31st on the podcast series “Halloweeniacs,” where Mike and Tom join brothers Matt and Greg Douglas from Nightmare365. 

 

As the excitement for the upcoming Halloween season continued to grow while monsters endlessly filed through the Great Portals last night in Spell Willows, JLP did have to call it a night at some point. The monster news source’s last interview before putting this one to bed was with a lone carny named Annabelle, a girl in her teens wearing a dress striped in green, yellow, red and blue like a circus big top. She stood in line far behind her fellow carnies, who’d gone through to the human world hours before. 

 

Asked why she wasn’t with the rest of her carny group, she said she’d no doubt catch up with them later in the human world, that she and her family on the other side “wouldn’t miss it.” She was very cryptic about it all. She mentioned her story that’s featured in the “Midnight Under the Big Top” horror anthology as a bit of a clue. JLP hasn’t read the tale to see what delicious evil she might have in store … Ah, here’s the story now — “The Girl in the Carnival Gown” by Kelley Armstrong …  

Werewolves and chupacabras — best of both worlds?

By Michael Picarella Staff ‘Human World’ Columnist

Happy Cinco de Mayo! And a merry Full Moon!

This evening we can expect chupacabras and werewolves to be out and about, on the prowl and wreaking havoc on some human beings near you — maybe even on you. These beasties certainly have been in my thoughts the last few days.

I typically like to watch the 2013 “classic” made-for-TV movie “Chupacabra vs. the Alamo” on this day each May, but as the full moon was drawing closer this week, I dug into a new book that’s now got me stuck on werewolves. Ronald Kelly’s “Undertaker’s Moon,” which has been described as a graveyard feast under the summer moon about a rural Tennessee town facing a hellish lycanthrope from ancient Ireland, has sunk its teeth into me. While reading it, I’ve also been taking in a few full moon classics on Shudder.

As of this writing, the horror streaming service is offering various collections under the heading “Tales of the Supernatural.” One of the collections in that grouping is called “Full Moon Fever,” and there are currently 10 titles — movies and a TV series — that feature lycanthropes. In the last week alone, I’ve watched 1985’s “The Company of Wolves,” 1996’s “Bad Moon” and 2015’s “Howl.”

The latter film was a real treat. It kind of reminded me of the great zombie flick “Train to Busan,” which actually came out in 2016, a year after the release of “Howl.” “Howl” is a British horror film about the last train out of London on a dark stormy night that breaks down in a forest filled with — hint, hint — some creatures of the night that howl. I thought this film was made in response to the success of “Busan,” which is a South Korean action horror picture about passengers trapped on a train during a zombie outbreak, but it looks like “Howl” had it licked.

“Busan” is probably the better film, though “Howl” is a great, atmospheric, creepy werewolf tale with some grisly lycanthropes and lycanthrope action that you shouldn’t overlook.

And while I’ve been feasting on werewolves, and still wanting more, I did want to pay my respects to the goatsuckers of the world for Cinco de Mayo. Yesterday I discovered the werewolf-like chupacabra (perhaps the best of both the werewolf and chupacabra worlds) in the 2022 Netflix series called “The Imperfects.” This show is about three young adults who, after an experimental gene therapy that’s turned them into a human that transforms into a chupacabra, a banshee and a succubus, band together and hunt down the scientist responsible.

Perhaps “The Imperfects” is a bit too flashy, even for me — I love excessive style. Maybe it’s just too loud, too noisy. It’s a very cool idea, and I loved the monsters, especially the chupacabra. It could just be that the execution didn’t work for me. Or maybe I didn’t want to follow these characters. But after one episode, I haven’t been itching to watch another one. I hate to write that. Hey, the urge to jump back into the series might strike at midnight. 

Until then, however, I’m chomping at the bit to read more of “Undertaker’s Moon.” I’m reaching the halfway point in the novel, and as of now, I’m highly recommending it, for what that’s worth. Order the book on author Ronald Kelly’s website, and he’ll sign your book with an illustration. Totally digging what he put in mine ...

Now, if you must go out tonight to celebrate the full moon or Mexico’s 1862 victory over the Second French Empire, please watch for beasties. Track werewolves who may be near you with the Werewolf Locator app. As for tracking chupacabra, you’re out of luck there. I recommend brute force — strong blows to the creature’s noggin and hard kicks to the chest.

Happy Alien Day 2023! Or: What Am I Going to Do Today?

By Michael Picarella Staff ‘Human World’ Columnist

I was up at 12:02 this morning. Two minutes into Alien Day and still no chestburster.

April 26th (4-26 draws its origins from the 1979 film “Alien” and the exomoon “LV-426” where alien life is discovered) has become a day I actually look forward to each year. It’s kicked off with a bouncing baby chestburster that comes ripping and tearing out of some poor fool’s chest a la the scene in “Alien” where USCSS Nostromo Executive Officer Thomas Kane, who is previously attacked and impregnated by a facehugger, “gives birth” to a chestburster. The little darling screeches “Surprise!” before scurrying off to grow into a full-size Xenomorph, which then — and always — attempts to eliminate the human species. At 12:04 this morning, I was more than eager to get this party started.

Call me weird. It’s OK, I’m proud of the description. But I wholeheartedly celebrate Alien Day. I’ll typically watch an Alien movie or two. Maybe I’ll read some sort of comic book with aliens or martians. One year I listened to the first few episodes of the “Strange Arrivals” podcast about the mysterious 1961 alien encounter and abduction as experienced by Betty and Barney Hill.

This year, as I tossed and turned in bed — anticipating that first chestburster — I thought about what I’d watch or read ... or do(!) for Alien Day. Probably a victim of ADHD (never diagnosed), I needed something that wouldn’t take me days to consume. In other words, I didn’t want some long TV or podcast series or Stephen King-sized novel that requires weeks if not months to complete. You see, as I previously alluded to, my interests change on a dime — Sasquatch! Seriously, I’m already thinking about chupacabra for Cinco de Mayo. Gotta watch “Chupacabra vs. the Alamo” with Erik Estrada every 5th day of May. Love that movie and all its cheesy goodness!

But I digress. 

I need something just for the day only, I thought. Alien short stories would be cool. 

I’ve recently been growing my collection of short-story anthologies. Those that have piqued my interest are the ones collected by theme. For example, I just bought one collection called “Flight or Fright: 17 Turbulent Tales,” edited by Stephen King and Bev Vincent, which is an anthology that, as described on Amazon, is about “all things that can go horribly wrong when you’re suspended six miles in the air, hurtling through space at more than 500 mph, and sealed up in a metal tube (like — gulp! — a coffin) with hundreds of strangers.” I purchased that book just before boarding a plane over spring break. Doesn’t that sound like fun? (Got the strangest looks when people saw what I was reading in the airport.)

Then there’s “Fearful Fathoms (Seas and Oceans)” and “Fearful Fathoms II (Lakes and Other Bodies).” I spent a couple years during my childhood living near a lake. That second collection of horror stories is a real treat that brings me back to those days when I knew for a fact that something lay beneath my swimming feet. I especially like these books of terror when planning trips to the water.

I’ve also got Halloween anthologies (I had fun with Ronald Kelly’s “The Halloween Store and Other Tales of All Hallows’ Eve”), a werewolf short story collection, one with noir stories, another with stories about mad scientists, and yet another with tales of terrifying Christmas monsters from around the world (obviously for Christmas time only). 

There’s another really cool anthology called “Hell Comes to Hollywood” for when I’m thinking about my time in Tinseltown, and I have two other collections that I like to turn to when I’m taking long drives on the interstate where I’m forced to share lanes with those road-hogging truck drivers (God, I love ‘em!): “18 Wheels of Horror” and “18 Wheels of Science Fiction.” Who doesn’t want a trailer full of trucking terrors and fantastic fiction?

Oh, I’ve still got more collections. There’s “Ghosts” for when I’m home alone at night and the rain is slashing away at the window panes, or “The World of Mystery Fiction” for when I’m itching to solve a crime. 

I recently picked up a zombie short story anthology called “The New Dead” that I’ve yet to sink my teeth into. And I’ve got another one I’m still waiting for in the mail from Cemetery Dance Publications called “Midnight Under the Big Top,” which is described as “the world’s grandest tales of murder, madness and magic set in and around the circus.” Bunch of clowns.

But, as I try to reel this thing back in, I have no alien short story anthologies. That would’ve been the perfect antidote for what I was feeling this Alien Day morning! I could’ve gotten up and out of bed for a 15- or 20-minute story, then maybe devoured a few tales throughout the day as I ate breakfast or took down my lunch. 

And as I rolled over yet again to check the time — 12:07 — the thing I was waiting for happened. A chestburster! I’d just remembered a book I received in a Halloween box I got from a friend last year: “Sightings: UFOs” by Susan Michaels. This is a collection of stories drawn from the 1990s syndicated television program “Sightings” that, as it reads on Amazon, “recounts the purportedly real encounters of humans with extraterrestrials.” 

And so, with the first Xenomorph of the day out and on the warpath, I cracked open my reading for the day and began with: “There were more reported sightings of UFOs in 1952 than in any other year before or since ...” and the story of the great lights over our nation’s capital back when, as Michaels writes, “air-raid shelters were replacing the backyard barbecue as suburbia’s most sought-after home accessory.” My morning reading: “Saucers Over Washington.”

Happy Alien Day to you and yours! May it be out of this world.

The Fog comes in tonight!

By Mister Machen Staff Fog Writer

It’s April 20th. Enough time to warn you! 

At midnight, it’ll be the 21st of April. It was many years ago on the 21st of April, out in the waters closest to your home, a small clipper ship drew toward land. Suddenly, out of the night, the fog rolled in. For a moment, they could see nothing, not a foot in front of them ...

Listen to my story HERE.

You’ve been warned. And you should warn all your friends and loved ones.

Watch for that fog tonight, and the clipper ship — the Elizabeth Dane — that comes in with it, its vengeful crew of murderous ghosts dead set on disembarking to get you!

Podcast shares gift ideas for your lists to Franken Claws

By Franken Claws

Staff Horrorday Writer

I’ll keep this short ... Have a happy horrific holiday with this special podcast HERE about me from the Jack-o’Lantern Press Podcast! Send me your lists. And don’t forget to put out those Sant-o’-lanterns.

Give yourself the bird

By G.I.V. Thebird Staff Thanksgiving Writer

Let’s face it, Thanksgiving places heavy emphasis on a bird. And filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock cooked up one heck of a film about birds — “The Birds” from 1963. 

It’s only fitting, then, that Thanksgiving and Hitch come together this month for a movie marathon to fill your appetite for a tasty helping of mystery and murder.

Those interested in marathoning Hitchcock films this Thanksgiving season can do so on the day or throughout a number of days leading up to Thanksgiving.

The following is a lineup of Hitch films we at Jack-o’-Lantern Press put together with both the programming schedule for the day (should you choose to devour your meals by the plateful) and also for the days leading up to the day of the bird (should you choose to cherish each small bite by the spoonful):

1946’s “Notorious” at 6 a.m. (or the Friday before Thanksgiving)

1951’s “Strangers on a Train” at 7:45 a.m. (or the Saturday before Thanksgiving)

1954’s “Rear Window” at 9:30 a.m. (or the Sunday before Thanksgiving)

1958’s “Vertigo” at 11:30 a.m. (or the Monday before Thanksgiving)

1956’s “The Wrong Man” at 1:40 p.m. (or the Tuesday before Thanksgiving)

1959’s “North by Northwest” by 3:30 p.m. (or the Wednesday before Thanksgiving)

Main course on Thanksgiving Day for sure: Not one bird, but many -- 1963’s “The Birds” at 5:50 p.m. 

Dessert: 1960’s “Psycho” at 7:50 p.m.

So, there you have it. Bon appétit. Mangia!

For more about Hitch for Thanksgiving and other fun freaky traditions for all you creepy kooks out there looking to infuse all your holidays with monsters and Halloween, check out the “Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast” Thanksgiving episodes linked below:

-Episode 21. Thanksgiving Monsters

-Episode 78. Monster Mondays: Tom the Turkey Terror

And look for a special helping of Thanksgiving horror coming soon to the podcast ...