Michael Meyers vows to make it home this year

HUMAN WORLD -- Infamous Halloween slasher psycho Michael Myers, who's pushing 61 years old, is still fuming from last year when, following his annual escape from the Smith’s Grove Sanitarium, the car he stole from the facility broke down, he couldn’t get it going, and he failed to hitch a ride into Haddonfield, IL. So he walked and walked and, even though he’s been stabbed, shot, burned, hit by speeding vehicles, shot again, clubbed with 2x4s and water pipes, shoved out of windows, pummeled by a van tumbling down a hill, decapitated, karate kicked out a second-story window, hung and electrocuted, his feet were killing and he was dead tired. That's when he took a nap in an old barn halfway to his destination, only to fall asleep and wake up to discover he’d missed Oct. 31. “This year,” Myers said, “I’m gonna make deeaaaamn sure the vehicle I steal is in good working order. I’ll just have to slip away during Monday Movie Night at the sanitarium a few days before my getaway and perform a little tune up on one of those station wagons they got in the garage, then I’ll set all the loons loose like I normally do the night before, grab the car, my Bill Shatner mask, and I’m on my way home.” Aside from being quite the surgeon with a butcher knife, Myers is also a known gearhead.