Zombie loses money at casino, debt collectors put her in hospital, nearby crowd happy for her

SHADOW CITY -- A zombie visiting the city of pain over the weekend lost all her savings on the tables last night in a matter of minutes, and then debt collectors chased her into a dark alleyway and beat her senseless, sending her to the morgue.

A nearby crowd gathered outside the QuickSands Hotel and Casino on the Sun-Never-Rises Strip and applauded young Cindy Erated’s tragic circumstances as a skeleton crew tossed her bloody carcass into a hearse.

“You come to Shadow City with everything,” said one local zombie gnawing on the medial temporal lobe of some poor soul’s brain, “and in no time hard luck hits you like baseball bat to the head.”

This wasn’t meant to sound like marketing copy, but losers are, in fact, made in this town every day. Book your trip now!

Shadow City ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- a few last drops to the bottom

By ‘Hard Luck’ Lou Zerr
Staff Schlub Writer

Don’t let pain and suffering get in the way of a good time. After all, pain and suffering is fun here in Shadow City.

Up in Black Hand Heights, the excitement hasn’t even begun yet. Don’t worry -- a couple mafia mutant hoods will have you outta the trunk shortly. How was the ride with those other bodies in there? You’ll be rubbing shoulders with them again real soon, on the way to the Oil Fields later tonight. But first the fun. You feelin’ eager?

The boss’s place is nice, ain’t it? Nothing like it anywhere else in town. The boss is poppin’ a couple champagne bottles open now. He’ll be right with us . . .

Where you think you’re gonna go? You don’t even know the way back into town -- you were in the trunk the whole way up here. Go ahead, run.

Hope you get along with nuclear zombie thugs. They’re after you. The boss is pretty fumed, too. He’s already got the cement mixer turning. I’d offer you a spot in that cement to put your name, but you’ll be in that cement.

The werewolf women are onto your scent. Stop off at Chef Mafia Machiavelli’s Kitchen for a bite to eat. Got some mutants there to join you for a plate of tommy gun Parmesan. Come on, you think you’re really gonna make it outta the Heights?

So you made it out of the Heights. Go ahead, run to the cops. Everyone at the Shadow City Station takes orders from the boss. City Hall isn’t exactly on the straight and narrow, either. We’ll be seeing you back up here momentarily.

Clever how you got through Boogie Man’s Bend, but don’t forget, you’re in Shadow City -- there’s no luck but bad luck.

There you are -- Shadow City Studios on Studio Strip. Great idea. Nice thing about the Studios -- they got all kinds of torture devices lying around from that Edgar Allen Poe picture they just wrapped. Maybe we’ll see if those things still work.

Which way you goin’ now? You just missed Witch Way into Witches Meadow. Too late to turn back. The mutants got it covered. Not like you’d be any better off with those covens out there anyway.

There’s only one way to go, and that’s into Gore Gardens again, and you know what that place is like. Time for one last plunge, eh? Try the Big Dipper. Watch for falling passengers.

That’s a fun little land in the park. It’s called Puppet Cove, and believe me, those aren’t the Muppets. Ever see a puppet work a set of hedge trimmers? Those things make some real pretty tattoos. No one’s gonna hear a scream -- everyone and everything is at the motor speedway over at the Scaregrounds. The sports complex across from that has a few events goin’ as well.

Maybe when we get you we’ll take you to the zoo and throw you in the cages with the people. Those people are wicked. Ever see what they do to each other?

I can tell you’re runnin’ outta breath. You’re slowin’ down and you made a wrong turn into Gore Gardens’ worst section of the park. Crazyland will turn you upside down. Then the freaks there will ship you off to Wacky Island. Check out the Giant Joke Shop while you’re there. I hear it’s a real laugh. And you know what that means in Shadow City.

Go ahead, try the portals in Happy Holiday Hollow for the human world. None of them are open to anyone but the spirits and monsters of their respective holidays, and you won’t find any assistance, either. The turkeys in Turkey Pines are deadly, Santa’s too busy making toys, the ghosts of Christmas at Christmas Spirit Crossing are rehearsing for their yearly production of the “Carol,” and Franken Claws on Franken Claws Lane is a friggin’ psycho. You’re talking about a Halloween guy who prefers Christmas.

Go ahead, go into Valentine’s Monster Meadow. The Valentine’s Monster won’t harm you. He’s also no help to you. He’s a disgrace to the entire monster population. He was actually kicked outta Halloween for being purple and pink and not scary at all. He’ll probably try to cuddle you.

Groundhog Ridge is a good idea. The only shadow the groundhogs out there see is the one over Shadow City, the better for hiding and waiting to get you and take you back to where you belong in the Heights. You’re through -- tired and outta options.

OK, yeah, so Happy Holiday Hollow still has Leprechaun Forest and Easter Beast Burrows to search for relief. Hey, even we don’t like going into those parts, and we’re native Shadow Citians.

So you’ve had your fun. It’s time to call it quits. It’s over.

What’re you gonna do, dive off the pier and swim to nowhere? You see the water’s glowing, right? Maybe you’re into that kind of thing. Some monsters are . . . until it starts to burn. But hey, you’re in Shadow City, where pain is what we strive for.

Or you can jump into that car and hit the road. Sure, go ahead. But no one gets this deep in Shadow City and makes it to Hell’s Highway.

Nice driving. You shook some of the best wheel mutants we got.

Why you lousy . . . Do yourself a favor: Hit the gas. Because now we’re really mad. And if we catch you . . .

The city lights are probably in your rearview by now. Hear that? No car horns, gunshots, sirens or screams -- just peace and quiet. Where you’re headed you can breathe again. But if you ever show your face in this town again . . .

Keep following that blacktop toward the horizon. Few hours and you’re home free.

Looks like you’re gonna make it.

Why’s that 18-wheeler coming up so fast? Why’s it riding your tail? Why won’t it pass?

Thought you made it there for a second, didn’t you? Poor schlub, this is Shadow City. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Shadow City ‘Hidden Harms’ -- deepest, darkest secrets stay that way

By ‘Hard Luck’ Lou Zerr
Staff Schlub Writer

You can appreciate the hard luck that one has in this town. You’re running around feeling like two bucks and thirty-two cents, but don’t be braggin’ about it. You’re not gonna impress anyone here and no one’s gonna give you any respect. That’d be like expectin’ oil from the Oil Fields. Everyone knows that ground's only got bodies in it.

It’s time to go deep into the underworld with your new persona. This place has secrets. Underworld it might be called, but you go up into Black Hand Heights in order to go down. The road ends there, though, and that’s where you get off this cockamamie merry-go-round. However, you don’t just follow the yellow brick road. And you don’t just get an invitation to go up. You gotta get an OK, and that ain’t easy.

First, you gotta do your homework. The Shadow City Sentinel is the local rag in these parts. Go to the Sentinel Building on Hard Luck Lane, just down the street from the Shriekeasy, and ask the old broad at the desk for last week’s issues of the paper.

Those mugs on the front pages are the ones you wanna be gettin’ to know. And you’ll find them where we’re goin’ next . . .

The Shadow City Boxing Ring -- it’s a miracle the place is still standing. Some of the rafters have fallen into the ring, and on fight nights, too. Johnny “Stoker” Dixon took a rafter to forehead one time. He still tore up Tiger Nelson. Pulled his arm out of the socket. Then a left hook took his nose right off his face. Stoker buried him in the Oil Fields a couple hours later. Lotta money made that night. You wanna be around that money.

Once you get a seat, follow the dough. It’s easy to spot. It’s flyin’. You find Little Boy Tiny Thompson, you get in good with Little Boy Tiny Thompson, and you’re on your way to that invite to Black Hand Heights.

You’re right -- it ain’t that easy. Don’t be getting’ cocky. But don’t forget, you don’t have to go lookin’ for trouble around here. Trouble finds you. Look, that schlub in the seat next to you’s got his hand on your wallet.

Ah, what’s this? The Shadow City Grindhouse Theater. You're probably wondering how you got there. Don’t bother tending to your wounds. There’ll be plenty more of those. Why the Grindhouse Theater, though? Because the bad movies just keep grindin’ on there. No one goes in to check on the audience to see whether they’re customers or corpses. The lights haven’t been on in years. Who knows what they’ll find if they ever do turn ‘em on?

As you’re coming outta your daze, let me be the first to congratulate you, you’ve just become a victim of mutants out clubbin’. That one next to you at the fights clubbed you and got away with your identity and that two bucks and thirty-two cents you had earlier. Everyone wants to get clubbed these days. You just got yours, and you’re still new in town.

Now what? Best thing to do next is get outta that theater before something else gets you. Go see the ponies.

Dark Meadows Horse Track is where the real trouble finds you. "They" know who you are now. They have your identity thanks to that mutant at the fights that lifted your wallet. And they'll be watching you.

Just bet on the horse that’s runnin’ fastest. How can you tell? These races are so crooked, you can tell right outta the gate. Believe me, you bet on the winner, that ticket to Black Hand Heights is comin’ to you in a hurry. The minute you go to collect, you’ll find yourself tied up in the trunk of some swanky sedan, and on your way up to the boss in no time for a late night visit to the Oil Fields.

And just like that, you’re one of the secrets buried in Shadow City.

This one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Shadow City ‘Rot Spots’ -- trade in the soapy bath water for city dirt

By ‘Hard Luck’ Lou Zerr
Staff Schlub Writer

Shadow City is where evil lurks, and you’re invited to join in the lurking. So get out of the clean country, the happy suburbs and the ritzy metropolis. First thing to do when you get to Shadow City is get that soapy bath water off your body and cover yourself with the dirt and grime of these seedy streets.

Hardboiled monsters, down-on-their-luck beasts, nuclear zombie thugs, disfigured femme fatales, vampire palookas and mafia mutants all stake their claim here in Shadow City. This lousy town thinks you’re gonna knuckle over, and in the end you will. No one’s ever gonna regret not doing right by you -- you’re never gonna make a name for yourself, ya bum.

So take a lungful -- the air is thick, wet and steamy here. It’s enough to stifle your breathing and stain that powder blue suit with dark blue shirt, decorative tie and display handkerchief.

Then make your lofty goals. Have faith you’ll be a success, believe you’ve got an edge that’ll pay off in short time, count on others to help you and guide you . . . Bet big! But be warned: There are no winners in Shadow City. In this town we’re all in a Mexican standoff -- everyone’s at each other’s throat. And we all lose. The sooner you know that, the sooner you’ll be able to enjoy your stay.

I didn’t hear you say “Huh?” but you wanted to. Go ahead, start at Gore Gardens, the amusement park where the guests get as gory as the zombies that operate the attractions do. You got the guts to go?

That’s not the tunnel of love, Romeo. Juliet’s an evil serpent in these waters waiting to hack into your face with her teeth and claws. Even a game of “Whack a Mole” has its beatings. Burrowing animals in Shadow City want your skull sucked dry for their protection against the other wicked critters in this dog-eat-dog district.

Check out the roller coasters next. The higher up they go the harder riders fall to their graves. And don’t expect those emergency exit doors in the House of Mirrors to open. Guess what? There’s no other way out, either.

The best you can do is take a breather, have a snack. Get some souvenirs.

Oh, you think you get a break? Gore Gardens is full of vendors selling toxic chow and hazardous toys that have the same type of “grave” effects as the rides. Spend your hard-earned dough, feel entitled to a good time, think and grow rich. Wow, maybe you can overcome Shadow City’s misfortunes.

Except you can’t. Nothing you do matters. I said it once, I said it a hundred times: You’re gettin’ hosed no matter what. In fact, the more you repeat the “success mantra” in your head, the more you set yourself up for a glorious trouncing. You gotta expect the pain, welcome it and revel in it.

Try that state of mind out in the Scaregrounds at the far end of Gore Gardens. Don’t worry -- it’s not the clean, friendly family park you read about in those fancy pulp novels. This is a high-class place -- grimy, unsafe and full of unsavory types. But as they say, all that doesn’t glitter isn’t always gold.

Carny Corner, the Freaky Funhouse, the Killer Clowns at the Evil Big Top -- it all sounds like ghoulish fun, right? Wrong. Don’t let your friends build you up into thinking you can escape with your life. You’re feeling too confident, and that’s a no-no. The minute you get to thinkin’ you’ve got an unbeatable arsenal of expertise, you explode on impact.

Don’t you remember? All those losers busting their humps, puttin’ in their time -- you’re one of ‘em. And it’s gonna stay that way. But don’t take my word for it. At the Evil Big Top near Sideshow Row, you’ll see signs to Fortune Teller Town. Follow those signs. Then go see Zoltar, Esmeralda, the Swami, Madame Cassandra or any of the other many fortune-telling machines there and plop in the desired coins for the answers.

Are you destined for financial success? Will you find successful relationships? How ‘bout a nice home?

Any of those machines will tell you (by voice or by fortune card) that you’ll be broke with no relationships in a skid’s row, and that you’ll own no home, but you’ll have monster’s best friend at your feet, treating your best shoes like juicy meat on a bone.

This is Shadow City, dummy. There’s only one thing to learn here: This is a loser’s paradise. Even the idiots at Dummy and Doll Hall in downtown Shadow City know that. Do yourself a favor -- get out of Gore Gardens. That place is for quick thrills only. The real, slow pain is in the heart of the town.

Hard Luck Lane in the downtown area will teach you how to fail royally and love every miserable moment of it. There’s an art to the hard luck loser, and the Shriekeasy is where it all begins.

It’s late, the bartender is serving all night, the band is tired of playing music no one’s listening to and you just met the woman of your dreams, although I wouldn’t bank on it -- she’s one of the city’s disfigured femme fatales, and she’ll rip your heart out and use it in her salad the following day (she’s got that mutilated figure to keep). But order drinks for the two of you anyway. Hey, you’re in Shadow City -- this place is built on shattered lives like yours.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.