Downtown Transyl-vein-ia ‘Hidden Harms’ -- find something around every corner

By M. Night Shuritssafealone

Staff Scream Streets Writer

Don’t turn around -- there may be something behind you. Or beside you -- don’t look there, either. Looking ahead is a hazard as well.

At the corner of Vein Street and Transyl-vein-ia Corporate Center Drive, there’s something hidden.

There’s also something hiding around the backside of Uneeda Medical Supply and Zombies Corporate Headquarters.

Downtown Transyl-vein-ia is full of surprises, and if you’re a tourist, you don’t want to miss any of them. Step onto any street, turn any corner, enter any building . . .

The newsstand on Vein has something lurking in the shadows. So does the All-Nite Goblins Agency. Attend a Transyl-vein-ia Witches Commission meeting, and something will inevitably be hidden in the Broom Room waiting for you.

It’s hard to miss the Silver Shamrock Novelties and Terror Corporate Building with its monstrous size, but you might not see what’s in those dark bays around the campus.

The Hounds of Hell Pound is a great place to adopt a pest. You always find you get more than you bargained for there.

If you’re a man-made monster and you’re looking for voltage, go to the Transyl-vein-ia Power Company. There, all kinds of hidden harms are waiting to light up your world.

The Dot Mon District, where the Monster Internet was born, is full of stuff that isn't necessarily right under your nose. In the center of the plaza is Monster Media. They brought you the award-winning video game, “Human Invasion,” where players battle humans coming out of manholes, from under the lab bench or through the fog in a boat while your avatar is enjoying a swim in its nice, polluted swamp. Monster Media will allow guests to try out video games they’re still developing. Wait till you get a load of what's waiting for you in the Screens with Screams.

Finally, you've got to check out what's on the prowl in the Ghoul School, what's crouching in the Transyl-vein-ia Times Building, what's on the move at Sherlock Holmes Investigations, and don't miss Marcello the Magician’s Magic Shoppe, where things appear right before your eyes (or eye, depending on your orientation).

There’s something hiding pretty much everywhere and anywhere you go in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia. 

In the end, it will jump out to get you.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Downtown Transyl-vein-ia ‘Rot Spots’ -- the best nightlife after death

By M. Night Shuritssafealone

Staff Scream Streets Writer

Downtown Transyl-vein-ia is open Sunday, Monday and always. In fact, it doesn’t even shut down in the daytime. There is no day there.

Welcome to the city that never gets up. That’s because everyone is dead. Living dead. But there’s a very progressive, sophisticated group of monsters on the move that occupy these streets.

What’s rot and what’s not? Everyone knows to check out the musicals at the Young Fronkensteen Theatre on Vein Street. And the giant ape at King Kong Pavillion down the block is also a given. But those who've spent some time in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia will tell you that a tour of Phantom Recording Studio on Phantom Boulevard is the rot thing to do right away, especially since the Phantom of the Opera dropped his latest album last year.

According to Chillboard Magazine, “Straight Outta the Opera House” was “one of the best albums the Phantom ever put out.” Even the Mad Organist from the Disneyland Haunted Mansion told Jack-o’-Lantern Radio that it was “haunting.”

“It’s mega, it’s totally Phantom, it’s what his fans have been waiting for,” Organist told reporters last year upon the album’s release. “It’s definitely a dope record.”

Those who take the tour of the studio will get to see the actual organ Phantom used to create that phat pipe organ wind on the record. If you visit the studio, you might even see the Phantom at work on a follow-up album.

“The creative processes are flowing,” Phantom said. “The last stuff I did was a hybrid of opera organ, classic organ, secular organ and just plain organ organ. This time I’m thinking of adding some carnival organ into the mix, which would be off the chain.”

On your way out of the studio, be sure to go into the studio store, where you can pick up Phantom Recording Studio shirts, magnets and coffin liners.

Then head south on Phantom Boulevard and jump over to Weird Way. You can visit the Museum of the Strange, which has a collection of items and phenomena as vast as space and as timeless as infinity, between shadow and light, between science and superstition. It's made up of disturbing and unusual things. It's currently doing a “History of Transyl-vein-ia” exhibit and a Dracula retrospective. Fans of Dracula’s water lilies series will be happy to know there’s an entire room full of the Count’s most popular works. There’s another room of just his finger-paints.

The museum shop, Store of Stuff, is also something to die for. There, you can get all kinds of weird things. And later all those weird things will get you.

For lunch, stop by the Killer Tomato Stand on Killer Korner for some killer tomatoes. Or go to Rat Pack’s Chop House. The chef chops up everyone who enters.

There’s so much to see and do in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, but one last thing you shouldn’t miss is a visit to the Transyl-vein-ia Hall of Districts, especially now with Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential election heating up. You won’t want to miss any of the debates where candidates are literally attacking each other tooth, nail and machete.

From a werewolf and a vampire, a monster created in a lab and a slasher psycho, to a sea creature and a few goblins, this race comes with a wide range of candidates and viewpoints.

Count Dracula wants more blood banks. He claims it’s a must and said the entire vampire community supports him completely. Sea Creature is out to solve the pollution shortage in our water, which he says is only getting worse. Jason, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho, has been very vocal about the need for more teens in the area. He suggested building additional campgrounds in the Transyl-vein-ia Creek area and busing in kids on a monthly basis.

Frankenstein’s Monster, on the other hand, says energy is more important.

“Without it,” the Monster said, “our handmade people simply can’t survive.”

The election On Tues., Nov. 1, so now’s the best time to start following it. Before it starts following you.

Yes, Downtown Transyl-vein-ia a made up of a very progressive, sophisticated group of monsters on the move. Don't worry, you'll be able to catch them during your visit. Remember, they’re dead.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Witches Meadow ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- something wicked this way can be humdrum

By Witch Wayryougonnago

Staff Black Magic Writer

You work hard for your vacation days, and you deserve a little R & R.I.P. With that in mind, Witches Meadow offers some serene locales and leisurely activities so you can hang noose.

The scent of burning flesh, the sound of victims screaming in agony, the sight of bats coming toward you with extended fangs, the feel of scorpions snapping their stingers at your feet while you sleep -- is there any need to go on?

If you’re looking to take it easy, then Coven Creek in Witches Meadow might be just what you need. You can spend the day fishing for that mystery catch or you can lie out on Poison Ivy Shore for a green tan.

Those who are able to stay put on the creek for a couple hours are lucky if they can move afterward. Though, some guests can’t go straight from the hustle and bustle of traveling to rest and relaxation, so they need something to ease them into serenity.

Go see Elixir Witch right there on the creek. She’ll fix you up with a cocktail that’ll make you feel as uncaring and sluggish as a sloth or a lemur. The good news is you might also look like a sloth or a lemur, except that might attract predators from the woods or water. These monsters won’t stop until they devour you whole, which kinda defeats the purpose of relaxation.

Why not head over to Full Moon Ridge instead? Enjoy spectacular views up there. You’ll have great angles on witches flying by the moon overhead and on the Burning Stakes down below where witches go to get cozy. On clear nights, you can even see your future across the valley in Magic Pond. But up there on Full Moon Ridge, there’s always the chance you’ll run into werewolves. Yes, lycanthropes do wander into these parts. And they won’t stop until they devour you whole. Again, kinda defeats the purpose of relaxation.

So check out the Mud Pits. Mud baths are always good for relieving tension in your body. The deep heat from the mud and geothermal waters have amazing anti-inflammatory properties. Mud baths also detoxify your body and soften your skin. And they’re so calming. However, the Mud Pits aren’t ideal for mud bathing. The mud monsters there are always looking for little treats, and you might fit that bill.

Maybe relaxation isn’t Witches Willow’s forte, in which case you might be better off skipping peace and tranquility and moving on to something more thrilling.

Check back here tomorrow for some hot things to do in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Witches Meadow ‘Hidden Harms’ -- the black cat is let out of the bag

By Witch Wayryougonnago
Staff Black Magic Writer

Among the top things to do in Witches Meadow, many are quite difficult to find. But if you take the time to look, these hidden charms can actually be quite harmful and make for a more enjoyable visit.

Forget what you think you know about this witches haven: witch hats, black cats and flying broomsticks. Witches Meadow is quite a diverse Transyl-vein-ian district of sophistication and hidden appeal, where a varied population enjoys world-class art, unbeatable restaurants and historical landmarks that celebrate and honor amazing witches who burned at the stake.

One thing that many tourists miss when they visit Witches Meadow is the Witch House Tour in Wicked Forest. That’s because the tour isn’t highly publicized. In fact, you’re not really welcomed. And that’s the joy of it all. Go down the wrong trail and you’ll inevitably run into scalpers. If you can get tour tickets with your head intact, you’ll find that you can get quite the deal.

You’ll tour witch houses of all shapes, sizes and calibers of evil. The Forest Witch lives in a cozy little cottage where you can interface with her deadly spider horde. The Mountain Witch at the end of Wicked Forest will invite you into her castle and allow you to toy around with her chamber of terrors. Most don’t survive.

The tour of over 300 dwellings can take anywhere from a couple hours to a lifetime, so pack accordingly.

The art community in Witches Meadow thrives. Deep in the heart of Wicked Forest you may stumble upon the Witch Arts and Witch Crafts Fair for the little ones and full-grown monsters alike. There you’ll also find regular performances of Shakesfear in the Dark. Be sure to see the production of “Greenface,” which tends to turn off some witches for its stereotypical depiction of happy-go-unlucky enchantresses, so heed the warning.

For those of you who checked out Witch Way Caves and were unlucky enough to find a way out, follow the exit trail down into the valley below. There you’ll find the Burning Stakes. To some this may seem like a happy place. After all, this is where many witches were immortalized in the lore of the land. But it can also be quite somber. So yeah, it is a happy place where you’ll want to spend some time.

If you get hungry while at The Stakes, stop by the nearby Black Cauldron Café for a cup of stew. It’s a local favorite in Transyl-vein-ia and the hardest to find. And if you’re still breathing after a cup, you too might be hard to find. So let your loved ones know where you’re going if you wish to ever reunite.

You may wish for other such misfortune, and if that’s the case, take a stroll down the narrow path on the east side of the café. Go through Lizard Patch, cross Busted Bridge over one of the deepest and deadliest gorges in the country, and meander into Thorn Thicket. At the other end you’ll come across the Wishing Not-So-Well. There you can wish all the terror on others you’d like. It’s a hoot.

And if you like to laugh, head on down the Wishing-Not-So-Well Trail back toward Spell Willows and, just before you cross over, you’ll see a little cottage at the south corner. That’s the Hooked Nose Cackle Factory, where witches have been performing stand-up for over 200 years. It’s been recognized as the No. 1 comedy club in Transyl-vein-ia by such high-profile media as Jack-o’-Lantern Press. Comedy’s top cackle bringers, as well as today’s darkest emerging talent, die on its legendary stage every night.

All this will make for quite the time. But for more relaxing activities, check back with us tomorrow as we explore the area’s more “deceaseful settings.”

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Witches Meadow 'Rot Spots' -- among the top things toad do in Transyl-vein-ia

By Witch Wayryougonnago

Staff Black Magic Writer

Witches Meadow is your gateway to Transyl-vein-ia. Literally.

Most portal travelers to Transyl-vein-ia will find themselves at Spell Willows in Witches Meadow first because that’s where covens of witches, during the Witching Hour season (August through September), open the portals.

Upon your arrival, you’ll find yourself in the middle of the big Witching Hour festival. Monsters will be lining up in the world-famous Black Cauldron Encampment to go into the human world for Halloween time. So show up ready to have fun.

Experience true Witches Meadow hospitality when you’re ushered into one of the many soothing, boiling cauldrons used to cast spells and what-have-you on those visiting. You’ll be greeted with a cliché but honest-to-goodness “We’d love to have you for dinner.” Do yourself a favor: Accept the invitation.

If you survive that, there are plenty of other ways to meet your doom in this first of 13 districts in Transyl-vein-ia.

Once you take in the sights and screams of the festival, with its spells and witchy mayhem, allow yourself some time to get something to eat. You won’t find better crawdads anywhere else. These things are actually still glowing when they’re served to you at your table right there on Coven Creek.

Explore the legendary Witch Way Caves. Considered the area’s best way to get lost for good, the 22 miles of trails through an underground network of caves just off the festival grounds has tunnels that lead nowhere, some that cave in and others with creatures that have yet to be identified.

Shop at the Witches Market in Wicked Forest. This is a highlight for bargain hunters, and just a quick boat ride down the creek from Spell Willows with Charon the Ferryman. Among the usual places to pick up toads, rats and black cats, you’ll find vendors offering spell books, magic eyes that tell the future and flying brooms in various colors, sizes and trim packages with 20 to 60 percent off the retail price.

While in Wicked Forest, you can explore the homes of several different witches, some in huts, some in castles up the mountain. All witches have open houses, open hearts and open spell books to use on you.

Go up the mountain and take in the breathtaking views at Take-Off Point. Gorgeous, unique and especially terrifying, few activities compare to trying your luck on broomsticks that may or may not take you up, up and away.

If you find yourself down in the gorge, which most do after visiting Take-Off Point, you can try your luck again in Black Cat Corner.

Or hang out at the Hanging Tree.

But the highlight of a visit to Witches Meadow is the Snake Pit. Monsters come from all over to try this life-changing, most times life-ending experience. Conquer your fears. Dive headfirst into the pit and take on some of the largest pythons in any world. In over 200 years, the Pit has not had one safe jump . . . And counting.

For some rare things to see and do while in Witches Meadow, check back with us tomorrow as we explore the area’s “hidden harms.”

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

The Transyl-vein-ia traveler weary of same old charming trips

By Togo Ornottogo

Staff Trav-Hell Writer

For those tired of magical sunsets on idyllic tropical beaches, clean, fresh-air hikes through majestic mountains and the vibrant nightlife of cool, cosmopolitan cities, it’s time to explore Transyl-vein-ia, a monster’s paradise packed with dark, very alive graveyards, endless, life-threatening jungles and seedy metropolises with horrors around every corner.

Transyl-vein-ia travelers are popping up everywhere, coming through portals from the human world and anxious to see the homes of their great, great and not-so-great ancestors. Even humans are coming through to try their luck in this danger zone.

This is your guide to Transyl-vein-ia. Each weekday through August and September, Jack-o’-Lantern Press will take you on a tour through all 13 districts of our great land. We’ll tell you what’s hot and what’s rot in each district in our Rot Spots stories. Then we’ll share the more charming places to visit and things to do in our Hidden Harms stories. To cap off each district, we’ll share with you the more serene locales in our Deceaseful Settings stories.

In the end, you won’t be any more able to take on the horrors of Transyl-vein-ia, but by knowing what to expect, you’ll be more terrified. And that makes all the difference.

Transyl-vein-ia was discovered centuries ago by The Founder. The Founder is part vampire, part werewolf, created in what we would call a lab today, was hunted by mad villagers, caught, mummified and tombed alive. Over 100 years later, tomb raiders freed him. He killed them and then sought his revenge on anyone who had anything to do with his torture, and then he found himself very alone.

In his search for a place to spend his endless days and for an endless supply of blood for his craving, The Founder came upon a land in the middle of what we now call The Unknown. There he found rivers of blood, enough for three lifetimes. So he needed more, but it was a start.

Due to this artery of red liquid running right through the land, The Founder named the place, Transyl-vein-ia. Note the "vein" in the name. We’re told The Founder was a punster. He built his home high on a hilltop, which still rests in the far corner of the Transyl-vein-ia Pines gated community.

Over the years, The Founder would travel the world, discover other dimensions through portals we still use today, terrorize all walks of life, get more needed blood, and attract other like-minded creatures on his way back home to Transyl-vein-ia.

These monsters, ghouls and goblins who followed him back would find their own corners of Transyl-vein-ia and make them their own, gradually forming the 13 Districts of Transyl-vein-ia:

 1) Witches Meadow

 2) Downtown Transyl-vein-ia

 3) The Mad Science District

 4) Transyl-vein-ia Hills

 5) Werewolftown

 6) Bigfoot National Park

 7) “The” Carpathian Mountains

 8) Shadow City

 9) Monster Island (in the Dead Sea)

10) The Black Lagoon

11) Valley of Doom

12) UFO Springs

13) Jack-o’-Lantern Park

Jack-o’-Lantern Press hopes to shed a little darkness into each of these gloomy districts. We won’t cover all the things to do, the shopping, the places to eat or the lodging, but we’ll highlight what we think is worth checking out on your own way to checking out.

Transyl-vein-ia is a great, big, horrifyingly terrible land. We look forward to you visiting. And to those of you who already live here, we look forward to you getting to know your home better . . . for the badder.

Come to Transyl-vein-ia, portals now open everywhere

By Togo Ornottogo

Staff Trav-Hell Writer

Are you traveling through a portal for the first time, or has it been a while since you were last transported to another dimension? Either way, finding a gateway to the other side and going through it can be unnerving, traumatic and deadly. But there are also negative impacts, too.

For those of you out there who don’t live in Transyl-vein-ia (not to be confused with the humans' Transylvania) and who are looking for a getaway this Halloween season, portals are now opening everywhere so you can transport between the human world and the monster world quite easily. But there’s a right way to travel and then there’s our way.

On Monday, witches began opening Transyl-vein-ia portals during the opening ceremonies of the Witching Hour to transport monsters, ghouls and goblins to the human world in preparation for Halloween. All through August and September, these portals will be sending scarers to the other dimension. But the portals go two ways. Those living with humans, including humans, have a two-month window to take the trip of a lifetime (or deathtime) to the "old country."

You’ll first want to make sure you’re ready to travel through a portal. If you’re afraid of transporting or simply apprehensive, great! That’ll heighten the experience. If you don’t typically get motion sickness, some over-the-counter motion-sickness medication will help you feel awful -- nausea, dizziness and anxiety are all the perks you’ll get out of just one tablet.

You’ll want to have everything you need to survive in jungles, mountains, deserts . . . and don’t forget a bathing suit for the quicksand.

Traveling through a portal can be time-consuming. Make sure you eat before you take off. Transporting on a full stomach also adds to the motion sickness you’ll want to take full advantage of.

Once you’re ready to go, it’s then time locate a portal near you. To find one, you must go to places where evil resides, such as haunted houses, spooky graveyards, pumpkin patches and, of course, dental offices (no offense to dentists who are easy on the gums and the wallet).

When you're finally in the right place, follow your senses to where the air is cold, thick and deathly still. Then wait until midnight and when you see the orange light, you must go toward it.

Then hold on for dear life (or death) and enjoy your trip. Hopefully you survive. The real danger comes later.