The Transyl-vein-ia traveler weary of same old charming trips

By Togo Ornottogo

Staff Trav-Hell Writer

For those tired of magical sunsets on idyllic tropical beaches, clean, fresh-air hikes through majestic mountains and the vibrant nightlife of cool, cosmopolitan cities, it’s time to explore Transyl-vein-ia, a monster’s paradise packed with dark, very alive graveyards, endless, life-threatening jungles and seedy metropolises with horrors around every corner.

Transyl-vein-ia travelers are popping up everywhere, coming through portals from the human world and anxious to see the homes of their great, great and not-so-great ancestors. Even humans are coming through to try their luck in this danger zone.

This is your guide to Transyl-vein-ia. Each weekday through August and September, Jack-o’-Lantern Press will take you on a tour through all 13 districts of our great land. We’ll tell you what’s hot and what’s rot in each district in our Rot Spots stories. Then we’ll share the more charming places to visit and things to do in our Hidden Harms stories. To cap off each district, we’ll share with you the more serene locales in our Deceaseful Settings stories.

In the end, you won’t be any more able to take on the horrors of Transyl-vein-ia, but by knowing what to expect, you’ll be more terrified. And that makes all the difference.

Transyl-vein-ia was discovered centuries ago by The Founder. The Founder is part vampire, part werewolf, created in what we would call a lab today, was hunted by mad villagers, caught, mummified and tombed alive. Over 100 years later, tomb raiders freed him. He killed them and then sought his revenge on anyone who had anything to do with his torture, and then he found himself very alone.

In his search for a place to spend his endless days and for an endless supply of blood for his craving, The Founder came upon a land in the middle of what we now call The Unknown. There he found rivers of blood, enough for three lifetimes. So he needed more, but it was a start.

Due to this artery of red liquid running right through the land, The Founder named the place, Transyl-vein-ia. Note the "vein" in the name. We’re told The Founder was a punster. He built his home high on a hilltop, which still rests in the far corner of the Transyl-vein-ia Pines gated community.

Over the years, The Founder would travel the world, discover other dimensions through portals we still use today, terrorize all walks of life, get more needed blood, and attract other like-minded creatures on his way back home to Transyl-vein-ia.

These monsters, ghouls and goblins who followed him back would find their own corners of Transyl-vein-ia and make them their own, gradually forming the 13 Districts of Transyl-vein-ia:

 1) Witches Meadow

 2) Downtown Transyl-vein-ia

 3) The Mad Science District

 4) Transyl-vein-ia Hills

 5) Werewolftown

 6) Bigfoot National Park

 7) “The” Carpathian Mountains

 8) Shadow City

 9) Monster Island (in the Dead Sea)

10) The Black Lagoon

11) Valley of Doom

12) UFO Springs

13) Jack-o’-Lantern Park

Jack-o’-Lantern Press hopes to shed a little darkness into each of these gloomy districts. We won’t cover all the things to do, the shopping, the places to eat or the lodging, but we’ll highlight what we think is worth checking out on your own way to checking out.

Transyl-vein-ia is a great, big, horrifyingly terrible land. We look forward to you visiting. And to those of you who already live here, we look forward to you getting to know your home better . . . for the badder.

Come to Transyl-vein-ia, portals now open everywhere

By Togo Ornottogo

Staff Trav-Hell Writer

Are you traveling through a portal for the first time, or has it been a while since you were last transported to another dimension? Either way, finding a gateway to the other side and going through it can be unnerving, traumatic and deadly. But there are also negative impacts, too.

For those of you out there who don’t live in Transyl-vein-ia (not to be confused with the humans' Transylvania) and who are looking for a getaway this Halloween season, portals are now opening everywhere so you can transport between the human world and the monster world quite easily. But there’s a right way to travel and then there’s our way.

On Monday, witches began opening Transyl-vein-ia portals during the opening ceremonies of the Witching Hour to transport monsters, ghouls and goblins to the human world in preparation for Halloween. All through August and September, these portals will be sending scarers to the other dimension. But the portals go two ways. Those living with humans, including humans, have a two-month window to take the trip of a lifetime (or deathtime) to the "old country."

You’ll first want to make sure you’re ready to travel through a portal. If you’re afraid of transporting or simply apprehensive, great! That’ll heighten the experience. If you don’t typically get motion sickness, some over-the-counter motion-sickness medication will help you feel awful -- nausea, dizziness and anxiety are all the perks you’ll get out of just one tablet.

You’ll want to have everything you need to survive in jungles, mountains, deserts . . . and don’t forget a bathing suit for the quicksand.

Traveling through a portal can be time-consuming. Make sure you eat before you take off. Transporting on a full stomach also adds to the motion sickness you’ll want to take full advantage of.

Once you’re ready to go, it’s then time locate a portal near you. To find one, you must go to places where evil resides, such as haunted houses, spooky graveyards, pumpkin patches and, of course, dental offices (no offense to dentists who are easy on the gums and the wallet).

When you're finally in the right place, follow your senses to where the air is cold, thick and deathly still. Then wait until midnight and when you see the orange light, you must go toward it.

Then hold on for dear life (or death) and enjoy your trip. Hopefully you survive. The real danger comes later.

Jack-o'-Lantern Press spills plans (and blood) for season 2 blog posts

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Clear your calendars all you monsters, monster lovers and dimension travelers. Season 2 of Jack-o’-Lantern Press is upon us, and we at the JLP will be bringing you Transyl-vein-ia travel content weekdays now through September, and then, during the month of October, we'll continue with the hard-hitting, heart-pounding monster news and entertainment you’ve come to expect from your favorite pumpkin heads and award-winning germalists.

Reports indicate that monsters, ghouls and goblins have traveled less this last year than any year prior going back 50 years. That could be because of higher travel costs, hotel rates and eating expenses. It could be because everyday costs have gone up. It could be because creatures make less money.

We at the JLP feel it’s none of the above. New York, Rome, Paris, Hawaii and other vacation hot spots are just not that hot anymore. Monsters are bored of the same old thing and are staying put. Even humans aren’t traveling that much anymore, probably for the same reasons.

Beginning next week, our crackpot travel staff here in the Pumpkin Patch will shed blood, sweat and human tears to provide travel stories so you can plan for the trip of a life-after-deathtime. Even those of us who live here in Transyl-vein-ia will find our coverage hellful, as we plan to open your eyes to places you’ve never even dreamed of in your wildest nightmares.

Every weekday, between next Monday and the dead end of September, the JLP will present guide material for each and every deadly district of Transyl-vein-a that you'll want to see in some form or another for yourselves.

Then in October, we’ll return to our regular news and entertainment coverage for Halloween. We’ll be asking for guest contributions, so if you’re a monster, ghoul or goblin, and you have a story for us in the style we write, please email us at PicarellaDome@gmail.com for our guidelines. Then submit away, as many stories as you’d like. We’ll post the worst of the bloody worst.

We look forward to a great Halloween season. We hope you look forward, too. Just don't look back -- there may be something behind you.

Wicked Witch has wardrobe malfunction during Witching Hour last night

By Vin “Skull” Eek

Staff Spooks Writer

The Wicked Witch of the North set off a Witching Hour firestorm last night at the annual Witching Hour festival in Spell Willows when her right breast was bared during the nationally televised opening ceremonies, which she performed with the wicked witches of the south, east and west.

The northern oldie was casting her big spell at about 12:10 a.m. in the Black Cauldron Encampment so that she and her sisters could transport monsters out of our dimension and into the human world for the Halloween season when she tossed a toad into her cauldron and lost her gown in a whirlwind of fiery witch magic. She later apologized for the incident and laid blame on her gown designer, Edith Headless.

“No, this was not an attempt to gain attention in the media,” North said. “It was a wardrobe malfunction.”

The Witching Hour festival began at around 11:30 last night when North and the other witches opened the portals to the human world. At midnight, they began casting spells around their cauldrons and were inviting The Original Mummy up to the main portal for the ceremonial first transportation.

“I haven’t been out haunting the human world since the Halloween season of ‘86,” Original said as he approached the portal. “Thank you all for giving me the first transportation. I’ll see you on the other side.”

That’s when North tossed that warty toad into her brew and her gown fell to the ground. Even mass mutilators, whom you’d think have seen it all, were shielding their eyes in great pain.

“I got nothing against North,” said a slasher psycho who wished to remain anonymous, “but she’s over three-hundred years old. Nothing can prepare you for what we saw. Nothing.”

North got the gown back on quickly, but the split–second exposure, witnessed by up to 100 million viewers, including those who were watching on their TV sets from their castles, tombs and haunted mansions, was enough to cause uproar.

“Ouwwww!” cried a pack of werewolves who were waiting their turn to be transported last night. But most monsters that witnessed the unveiling were upset. The Transyl-vein-ia TV switchboard was flooded with angry calls.

“I am outraged at the opening ceremonies of the Witching Hour,” one mother of several vampires wrote. “There was no warning whatsoever that it may not be appropriate for children who haven’t even see bare necks yet. I’m still feeding my babies their blood from a bottle.”

After a bit of chaos, the Witching Hour ceremonies eventually continued, the Original Mummy was sent off to the Human world, and other monsters were quick to follow.

North said she’d address the matter by turning her gown designer into a bug. Transyl-vein-ia TV officials said they’d put live presentations on a delay next time so that they’d have a chance to black out the broadcast if something like that were to happen again.

The festival will continue throughout the week as a record number of monsters are expected to travel to the human dimension to scare people for this Halloween season.

Witching Hour is tonight, some monsters raising hell about the cost to attend

By Vin “Skull” Eek

Staff Spooks Writer

At midnight tonight, enchantresses from all over Transyl-vein-ia’s Witches Meadow will join other monsters at Spell Willows to celebrate the Witching Hour, a festival for summoning monsters, ghouls and goblins from their graves, and sending them from our dimension into the human dimension in preparation for Halloween.

Ticket prices for the popular event, according to festivalgoers, are getting scarier every year.

“I remember when admission used to be five bucks,” said Frankenstein’s Monster, a longtime attendee. “Now, on a middle-class scarer’s salary, I can’t even afford the parking. Prices to get in range from $190, which is for low-income attendees, to $1,200. What man-made creature these days can afford that? Only today’s younger, hipper sadistic psychopaths have the net worth to go.”

Even Greta Witch, one of the founders of the Witching Hour festival, is disgusted with the direction of the celebration, and not in a good way. She cut ties from the event in 1996 when the appointed board began raising prices. Greta stated that the Witching Hour used to be about the joys of being horrifying. Now, she said, the event is just horrifying because of the joys related to how much cash the Witching Hour can bring the board.

“It’s getting to the point where skeletons can’t even go,” Greta said. “The skeletons have really got nothing, not even a shirt on their backs. And the organizers keep cashing in on the rich. It’s not about the haunting anymore.”

According to the Devil, the current scareman of the board, the Witching Hour still is and always will be about quality ghosting and monstering.

“We still see this festival as a sanctuary for Transyl-vein-ia’s monsters and ghosts looking to be transported into the human world to scare people to their deaths on All Hallow’s Eve,” the Devil said. “These creatures complaining about what we, the board, have done to this sacred event think we’ve turned it into a top-down, top dollar controlled experience, and that’s just not true. We’re very free and experimental. We just demand that all monsters pay what the event is worth -- and it’s a lot -- or else.”

Greta said Devil sold his soul to the, well, Devil -- the “real one.” And there’s no going back.

“He’s a liar and a cheat?” she told Jack-o’-Lantern Press. “He’s not even a witch. Leave it to a man to try and take over what’s rightfully ours.”

Devil said the Witching Hour belongs to all Transyl-vein-ians, not just the witches.

Needless to say, Greta won’t be attending the event. Other witches said they felt she’s just bitter about the whole thing. Most will take part in the ritual tonight, which will continue on through the week. Monsters will then begin settling into the human world throughout the month and scarers will start terrorizing people as early as September and on through Halloween.

Portals will open around 11:30 p.m. tonight at Spell Willows. Witches of all types -- bad and even badder -- will be out with cauldrons casting spells, cooking black cats and vampire bats, and celebrating the beginning of the Halloween season.

Guests can expect live entertainment, live humans to eat and face painting for the little live ones just after the opening ceremonies at midnight and into the wee hours of the morning.

In addition to entry fees, monsters are free to donate additional funds anywhere on the premises. The board has made it extremely easy to find donation pits where you can drop off your hard-earned cash.

For more information, go to WitchingHourChaChing.mon.

Remembering those who die again and again and again . . . for Transyl-vein-ia

We at Jack-o’-Lantern Press ask to join us on this Memorial Day to remember all those who died for Transyl-vein-ia, who came back to life only to die again, come back to life again, die again . . . It’s a vicious circle. These monsters never give up.

Friday the 13th festivities begin, teens dumber and more juvenile than ever

By Pamela Voorhees

Staff Parks and Wreck Writer

Chief executive of the Camp Crystal Lake Safety Council, Isa Nyonethere, says making it home this weekend to your psycho family and friends without getting decapitated or lit on fire is far more important than coming home with a few more notches on your machete handle. Nyonethere’s warning this Friday the 13th comes on the heels of past Friday the 13th seasons where smarter, more responsible teens have defeated our kind with little to no gratuitous gore at all.

However, Nyonethere is happy to announce that this season’s batch of campers is dumber and more reckless than ever. Hockey mask-wearing guys (and even gals) who don’t die should be ready to wreck shop.

“These kids are coming up to the lake with bikinis and booze,” Nyonethere said. “You can count on one thing: they’ll be choosing indulgence over smarts. So all you slasher psychos better capitalize on that.”

According to the camp ranger’s office, the easy targets are coming in droves. They’re even bringing little dogs that’ll eventually get lost so some poor idiot has to go out in the dark woods after them, calling for them loudly, presenting him or herself as easy bait.

“It’s going to be a good Friday the 13th holiday,” the ranger said. “The weather should be perfect.”

Reports show a nasty rainstorm on the way. It should hit right before nightfall.

“Still, these kids are showing up,” Nyonethere said. “Anyone or anything with a machete will have plenty of opportunities to cut the power to the cabins, and these kids will think it’s just the weather. Then you can go in for the cheap scare.”

Nyonethere reminds all monsters to take advantage of lightning flashes.

“Once you’ve cut the power,” Nyonethere said, “be quick to frame yourself outside cabin windows. Then strike a terrifying pose with a pitch fork or some other unique tool of terror and wait for the lighting to illuminate you for a frightful reveal to the campers inside.”

Scantily clad, bosomy teens arrived at Camp Crystal Lake early this morning, making out with each other and ready to cause mischief.

“We’re gonna do whatever we wanna do,” said one teen. “And we’re gonna get away with it because I seriously doubt all those stories about stupid campers getting massacred are even real.”

Friday the 13th festivities end tomorrow morning at 5 a.m. But there’s no harm in one last jump scare over the weekend when survivors and local police are walking over your brutally massacred corpse with the lame assumption that you’re actually dead.