Contributor
to the JLP
There’s
no such thing as “Not hungry” in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, especially if you’re
in the Pushcart District where the curbside carts offer up everything from blood
oranges and lethal lemons to eyeball parmesan and goo-gunk gelato.
Enter
the enclave at Skullberry Street. Lined with tenement buildings and packed with
pushcarts and peddlers of produce, fruit, rotting body parts and other goods
(and delicious bads), the Pushcart District is authentic to its monster roots,
steeped in tradition (there’s a feast celebration every day to honor
non-virtuous spirits and immigrant monster heritage) and, of course, the most
unique food in the world. Eat as much as you can because it doesn’t get any
worse than this.
Stop
by Joey Marinara’s Accordion Shop and Cannoli Stand for a sweet treat or two .
. . or three or waaaay more. Fill up
on steak and pork and fish and veal and everything else at Rat Pack’s Chop
House while the biggest pack of rodents entertains you under the tables and all
over your feet.
Marshmallow
Man’s Super Cigar Saloon is a classy place to relax and let your food settle.
That burning marshmallow mud that’s dumping all over you is just Marshmallow
Man as he melts after he’s lit up a Macanundo Cru Royale. He always catches
fire whenever he smokes. Never mind being full. You won’t find better
marshmallow in your afterlife, so dig in. Marshmallow Man won’t mind. That mud
on the floor there—that’s his mind. Bon appetite.
Come
on, you’re too thin. Eat. Eat! Stop by the Anti-Social Club for some good
conversation, a game or two of bocce ball, some espresso and cookies . . . and
more cookies. Lots of cookies. Keep eating!
The
Sunday Supper House celebrates Sundays (the day to rest in peace) every day
with an open door and more food than you can stomach. Eat it all! The Supper
House is a great environment for arguments and making good on vendettas.
Sure,
go ahead and stop by the Museum of Monster Arts and Skull-ture for some monster
history and not-so-fine art, and pick up atrocious style at Griffin’s Designer
Clothing, Shoes, Bags and Bandage Company. That’s all on your way to Phantom
Boulevard where you can get the worst slice of pizza at Pizza Phantom.
But
before you do that, give Caffe Malocchio a shot with a cup of coffee, from the
most skillfully blended and roasted coffee beans that even a 300-year-old
zombie could taste, and, of course, the “evil eye.”
Then
head over to Pizza Phantom for that slice. Enjoy a few slices. Don’t worry—each
one is huge. Take a whole pie with you to enjoy during a performance at the
Loudmouth Opera House next to the Phantom Recording Studio. Don’t stick around
for autographs. There’s more to eat.
At
the end of the block is Killer Korner. There you’ll find Mr. Meatball’s
Horrible Heroes and Diabolic Deli. (Don’t forget that March 9th is Monster
Meatball Day.) There, you can get the largest hero sandwiches anywhere, giant
veggies, meatballs the size of boulders and other really gigantic goodies to
stuff in your face.
There’s
also the Killer Tomato Stand. (Don’t forget that April 6th is Fresh Killer
Tomato Day.) By the time you arrive, you should be more than full.
For
you killer tomatoes out there at the stand, the above-mentioned “guests” should
be stuffed with good food and flavors you’ll love, and ready to be eaten by the
time they show up at your door. Roll right over them till they’re goners and
devour them at a feverish pace for best results. Invite those maniacal monster
meatballs from the meatball shop next door to join you for the meal. Mangia!
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