No-Care Community Hospital being sued for offering no care to patients

By Cookie Cuttre
Staff ‘burbs Writer 

TRANSYL-VEIN-IA HILLS -- Following news of a mad scientist’s prediction that portals between the human world and the monster world will close on Halloween night, leaving monsters stranded there and unable to return to the monster world, No-Care Community Hospital no-caregivers began dumping patients into portals and leaving them in the human world, and they have plans to leave dozens more, according to a lawsuit filed yesterday.

Families of the patients suing the community hospital on Scream Street said they were aware of the lack of care at the institution when they checked their hated ones in for injuries, illnesses and sicknesses in the heads, but they had no idea the care would be this much in the “no.”

“These monsters played perfectly bad, evil parts in that hospital, terrorizing anything that went in there,” said Sue Err, mother of one of the patients sent to the human world and left there forever. “One of the reasons I filed this lawsuit against these crooks is that we put our sick into No-Care Community Hospital with the idea that there’d be no-caregivers there to give them no care, and now our monsters are somewhere else in the human world getting absolutely no care whatsoever. It’s a total bait and switch.”

Hospital officials claim they’re doing what their contract doesn’t say.

“We have no contract and we offer no care,” said no-caregiver Idon Wory. “Our job is to make these no-way-out patients of ours as mentally deranged and to-the-point-of-no-return as possible. What’s more bad than leaving our sick and twisted in the human world for good? You could say we’ve filled their prescriptions for no way out, and we’ve given them unlimited refills.”

Wory said she’s not stressed about the lawsuit because she doesn’t get worked up about anything. She thinks the claims that portals will close on Halloween is nothing to get uptight about, anyway.

“I think it’s all a conspiracy,” Wory said. “That or someone just wanted to get infamous. You watch -- we’ll have all our patients back in our ‘no care’ in no time, and we’ll be back to offering the state-of-the-art care we don’t provide before we don’t even know it. And I’ll be back to not worrying about these lunatics once again.”

As for the portals closing on Halloween night and never opening again, The Frantic Scientist, who built a time machine and traveled into the future to see this fate, said he’s been hard at work to uncover the cause.

“Monsters, ghosts and others can believe me or not,” Frantic told reporters last night. “Those portals are closing. But I’ve been conducting a number of experiments to figure out why they’ll close, and by doing so I hope to uncover a method to open the portals back up. Look, I want those demented freaks from No-Care back in our world just as much as the next guy.”

The lawsuit against No-Care Community Hospital will go before a crooked judge at the Unjust Courthouse next week. Wory said that no matter what, she and her fellow no-care providers would no doubt be no-shows, and she doesn’t care.