Jack-o'-Lantern Press on Nightmare 365 podcast

For those of you who haven’t been following this second season of Jack-o’-Lantern Press, which began Aug. 1 and goes through Nov. 2 when we’ll be reporting the results of the Transyl-vein-ia Presidential Election, then be warned: Dracula is coming for you.

You can, however, go back and catch up on all of our amazing content before Halloween is here. Or you can click HERE to hear the founders of the world's greatest online monster news source as they discuss the second season of monster stories during an episode of the Nightmare365 podcast.

Still, Dracula is coming for you. We hope you make it to the end of the season.

Letters from the Lab: The evil lair

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

There’s one thing you must have before you can ever be considered a true mad scientist these days. Any idea what that one thing might be?

The answer is an evil lair.

Maybe you didn’t know you needed a lair, and that’s what’s been holding you back all these years. Or maybe you did know you needed a lair but you just couldn’t afford such a place. One thing is certain: You have to have a place to facilitate your ideas, a place to create mad plots and a place to produce lethal experiments if you ever want world domination.

Today I’ll explain how you can create your very own simple evil lair at a low, low cost.

But before you buy even the first test tube or blinking light, there are a few things you must know about yourself.

Do you fit the part?

How do you know you’re fit to own your own evil lair? Well, for starters, do you have an evil laugh mastered? Go to the nearest mirror and check it out. Take a deep breath and start laughing as loud as you can. Keep it going for 10 to 100 seconds, and then slowly bring it down. Try it now. Muwahahahahahahahahahaha! Keep practicing until you feel you sound evil and convincing. You can’t truly have an evil lair if you don’t have an evil laugh. So practice, practice, practice.

What are you wearing?

Are you really trying to pull off your evil schemes wearing a T-shirt and jeans, using a Bic pen to write notes and secret numbers? If you live in the Mad Science District, do yourself a favor and go down to Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive and pick up a smock, an industrial set of goggles and a pocket protector with custom pens that have your name and evil slogan printed on them. Doesn’t that feel better? Of course it does.

What’s next?

Now that you fit the part, you’re ready to find your space.

Location, location, location

Peace and quiet is critical when conducting evil experiments and carrying out mad plans, so you’ll want to find a location that’s not noisy and not crawling with meddling fools. You’ll also want a place that’s isolated so idiots who don’t know what you’re doing won’t ever find out what you’re doing. You don’t want anyone hearing the explosions, rocket launchers, flowing electricity and loud rumbling lab machinery in your place. A good location for any evil lair is underground.

If you live in the Mad Science District, then you’re in luck. With so many experiments gone wrong and other explosions in the area, there are literally hundreds of gargantuan craters in the ground to choose from. Pick one. It won’t cost you a dime because the mad scientist who previously owned the property was most likely blown sky high during his or her failed experiment. Construct your lair there and worry about any legal issues later. Heck, you may own the world by the time anyone tries to take legal action, so it doesn’t matter if you’re in the right or the wrong.

You got the power?

How are you going to power up all that equipment needed to take over the world? If you know anything about electricity, you’ll have no problems wiring the place. If you don’t possess such skills, you’ll want to get an electrician. Go to the Hyde Hospital, Morgue and Snow Cone Shop down on Jekyll Drive, throw a rock and you’ll hit some nut that knows a thing or two about how electricity works. This also shouldn’t cost much because even if the guy charges you for the work, you can just tell him you’ll gift him a small island somewhere in the Dead Sea after you take over the world. And don’t worry about making good on the promise. You’ll own the world, so you can do whatever you want.

Security and surveillance

Securing your new lair is not as challenging as you might think, but whether it is or not, you’ll need surveillance cameras all over the flippin’ place. How can you have an evil lair without a giant bank of surveillance monitors that you can watch at any given moment? It’s worth the price you’ll pay for it and worth all the headaches you’ll experience trying to sync all the clocks on the cameras.

You’ll also need computer systems with passcodes, encrypted lines to the Internet and plenty of power outlets for the plethora of monitors you’ll have around your desk. It just looks neat and complete with all that equipment. And while you’re at it, get yourself one of those full-feature ergonomic task chairs with ball-and-socket armrests, a wide range of adjustability and full 360-degree swivel capabilities.

Data collection

Get a super computer, which you can purchase for peanuts at mad scientist auctions held on weekends all over the Mad Science District. You’ll need a computer that can really collect all kinds of data. And you’ll need a system with embedded adaptive technology and the ability to selfheal and acclimate to any condition like end-of-the-world scenarios in the event someone pushes one of the self-destruct buttons on your lair. Allow time to program your system and integrate it with all of your other systems before you begin any plans to take over the world.

A ton of consoles with lights all over

You’ll need a ton of consoles with lights all over, which goes without saying. This will be your biggest cost.

Backup power

You’ll need a few power generators and a battery backup system. Evil-More sells a bunch of affordable units. Once you pull all that power from the power grid to power up your lair, the power company will likely shut you off until they figure out what’s going on. They’ll never actually come up with any answers because you’re smarter than they are and they’ll eventually turn your power back on, but you’ll still need an alternate power source with enough power to sustain all of your equipment for a few days while they investigate.

The power to get secrets

If you want power -- the real kind -- then you’re going to need an interrogation room, and you’ll need a good interrogation chair, too. How else do you think you’re going to feel powerful? And how else do you think you’re going to get secret codes? Don’t install anything that’s too comfortable. The room should be no warmer than freezing and the chair should be like those in the DMV so your victims’ experiences offer no comfort whatsoever.

You’ll probably want a couple jail cells, as well, in order to contain those victims who just aren’t cooperating with you. They can wait there for their doom while you try to think of a few new ways to get those codes you need. You can get cheap jail cells almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.

Survival gear, food, water and first aid kits -- just in case

This is all fine and dandy. But you can get rid of all that stuff once you get around to creating a first aid robot. Do yourself a favor and create a first aid robot. We all make mistakes and we all need first aid every now and then.

Huge rocket, a very loud countdown clock and a laser

You want everyone in the area to see the rocket coming out of the ground. So don’t waste your money on compact rockets, even if the label says it’s just as effective. You also want everyone to hear the countdown. So the louder it is, the more dramatic and tense it’ll be. And, of course, you’ll need a laser for added effect, which goes without saying.

Other additions

Here are a few other things you won’t need now, but you’ll want later: A war room, trap doors, roving security robots, a shark pool, booby traps, lava pits, self-destruct buttons behind glass with those little hammers to break the glass, secret tunnels (they don’t really have to go anywhere -- they’re just fun), rodents in cages, doomsday devices (more for those mad scientists with warehouse-scale lairs), oversized diagonally-aligned cargo elevators, excessively long corridors, revolving walls, cylindrical vats of viscous orange liquids (perfect for storing genetic mutants), severed body parts, armies of clones, automatic double doors that go swoosh, easily bypassed optical scanners, easily bypassed palm-print readers and other neat stuff I don’t have to tell you about, which you’ll find wandering the aisles of Evil-More.

A fully functioning evil lair

Once you’ve got your lair together and up and running, take a moment to enjoy the smell. There’s nothing like new-lair smell. Mmmmm. Now’s a good time to use that evil laugh you mastered: Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!

But wait, there’s one more thing you’re missing . . . Books. Lots and lots of books. Don’t worry -- you don’t have to read them. They’re more for show. And they intimidate any unwanted guests. So buy a bunch of them. You can get cheap books almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.  

There are, however, a few books you may just want to read. Check out the ones on the scientific method. You’ll probably want a brief understanding of that before conducting any big experiments. You might also want to check out a few books on world domination in the event you want to see how others have tried and failed to take over the world.

Whether you understand what you’ve read or not, just having the books will make you feel like a genius, which means you’re ready to start creating experiments and planning your world takeover.

Enjoy your new evil lair safely

It’s easy to want to go big with your evil plans right away when you’re sitting in your new evil lair. Go for it! Just be safe. But I don’t have to tell you that because “safety” isn’t your middle name.

Have fun anyway. If you have an open house, let me know. I look forward to checking out what your place looks like before you accidentally blow it to smithereens.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.

Body snatcher finds missing pods on hike in Muir Woods

By Gelatinous Creature

Staff Pod Writer

A body snatcher hiking in Muir Woods in the San Francisco Bay Area last night stumbled upon a stack of pods that were reported missing from Pod Central near the Embarcadero last week.

The snatcher posted a video of the finding on his Podbook page, which has already received over a million views.

“I wasn’t out looking for the missing pods,” said the body snatcher, who wishes to remain anonymous (because there is no individuality in a body snatcher-filled world). “I mean, I’d heard the pods were missing, but I was just out on a leisurely midnight walk in the middle of the woods when I tripped over what, at first, I thought was a downed tree. I wanted to get pissed off, but the pod person in me wouldn’t let me express any emotion. Then, low and behold, I realized there was no downed tree at all. It was a pod. And next to it were several other pods.”

In his video, the body snatcher is investigating the pods and identifies them as the ones that were reported missing the week prior. He then taps each pod and asks if they’re awake. None of them answer him.

“I’m sure this podnapping was another human attempt to halt our efforts of ridding the world of emotion,” said Dr. David Kibner, an expert on Pod Nation. “But I really don’t care. Because I have no feelings on anything one way or the other.”

After further investigation, authorities announced just before dawn that the pods had not finished recreating the bodies they were duplicating. The pods were burned in a city garbage truck outside Pod Central at around 9 this morning. No pod people shed any tears whatsoever.

According to reports, one of the pods destroyed was covered with what some are saying was cotton candy. Sources said it has something to do with the circus tent that crash landed across the Bay near Sausalito. Nothing has been confirmed.

Candy corn meets cookie in great recipe from Jack-o’-Lantern Park

By Mel Lowcreme

Staff Candy Corn Writer

Quite possibly the ultimate comfort food, nothing can really top a really giant tub of candy corn. And while cookies are quite divine . . . Heck, why not combine the two?

Frankenstein and the Wolfman, Alien and Predator, Freddy and Jason, and now, finally, candy corn and cookies. It was only a matter of time before two classics like these would come together for what will surely be a true classic in Jack-o’-Lantern Park’s Candy Corn Fields and beyond.

So if you’ve dreamed of a candy corn cookie recipe, but have never experimented in your own kitchen for fear of blowing up the place again, below is a recipe you can try to keep the monsters in your castle, corner or crypt happy and horrible.

INGREDIENTS:

½ cup lagoon sludge (or unsalted butter, soften)

¾ cup grave dirt (or light brown sugar, packed)

¼ cup granulated skull (or granulated sugar)

1 large cyclops eyeball (or large egg)

1 tablespoon Potion No. 13 (or vanilla extract)

2 tablespoons zombie pus (or cream or half-and-half)

2 cups powder-dry vampire skin (or all-purpose flour)

2 teaspoons death grains (or corn starch)

1 teaspoon gypsy dust (or baking soda)

Pinch Carpathian rock salt (or regular salt, optional and to taste)

1 ½ cups candy corn (10 to 11 ounces)

1 cup chopped witch eyeballs (or white chocolate chips)

DIRECTIONS:

In a large bowl with a hand mixer (or a stand mixer with paddle attachment), cream together the lagoon sludge (unsalted butter), grave dirt (light brown sugar), granulated skull (granulated sugar), cyclops eyeball (large egg) and Potion No. 13 (vanilla extract) on medium to high speed until light and fluffy for about five minutes.

Stop, scrape down the sides of bowl, add zombie pus (cream or half-and-half), powder-dry vampire skin (all-purpose flour), death grains (corn starch), gypsy dust (baking soda) and optional Carpathian rock salt (regular salt), and mix on low speed until just incorporated for about one minute. Don’t over-mix or you may summon unwanted evil spirits to your kitchen.

Add the candy corn and chopped witch eyeballs (white chocolate chips), and mix until just incorporated.

Using a medium two-inch cookie scoop, form about 20 heaping two-tablespoon mounds. Place mounds on large plate (should be bloody or at least filthy), flatten mounds slightly, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least three hours (or up to five days) before baking. (Don’t bake with warm dough or cookies won’t spread.) NOTE: Strategically place the candy corn inside the dough mounds so that they’re not baking directly on the cookie sheet, otherwise they might melt, burn or turn runny. The candy corn pieces must be inside the cookies, shielded and buffered by the dough.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray. Place mounds of dough on cooking sheet, spaced at least two inches apart, and bake for about nine minutes (or until edges have set and the tops are just beginning to set, even if slightly undercooked, pale and glossy in the center). NOTE: Don’t over-bake. Cookies will firm up as they cool. Baking longer than 10 minutes could result in cookies with overly browned undersides or a kitchen full of smoke that would most definitely summon unwanted evil spirits to your kitchen.

Allow cookies to cool on the baking sheet for about five minutes before transferring them to a wire rack to finish cooking. Cookies will keep airtight at room temperature (for those in cold castles -- your room temperature is not room temperature) for up to a week or in the freezer with the hanging bodies for up to four months. Unbaked cookie dough can be stored airtight in the refrigerator for up to five days, or frozen for up to four months.

Enjoy the cookies on October 31st with a nice cold glass of phantom fungus (or milk). And have a happy Halloween!

Skeleton of 'Haunted Horror’ spooky sounds tape fame pushes for comeback

By Noe Noyse

Staff Mu-sick Writer

The skeleton of the popular 1980s scary music and eerie sound effects cassette tape, “Halloween Horror,” is still not over the fact that his passion project over 35 years ago was never re-released on CD or iTunes, and he’s putting together a revival tour that would team him up again with the witches, bats and black cats that once, as he said, “created magic together.”

The artist hopes the tour pushes him back into the limelight so that those with the power will want to dig up his masterpiece on tape and finally transfer it to a digital format where it belongs for home haunters to use as a spooky backdrop for Halloweens to come.

“Look, when I saw the first ‘Chilling, Thrilling Sounds of the Haunted House’ album on iTunes, I was more than pleased,” the skeleton said. “I said, ‘Hey, the industry is finally recognizing real talent.’ But when they didn’t follow up with the release of the sequel to that album, which is far better in my opinion, I knew it was the industry’s way of continuing to try to keep me down. As the ghouls in this industry know, I was a part of that sequel album before I went solo. These creeps just don’t want me to succeed.”

The industry professionals in question weren’t given the opportunity to respond to the skeleton’s allegations, but they can prove he’s wrong by making “Haunted Horror” available on some kind of digital format, even CD, for crying out loud, so we lovers don’t have to continue pulling chewed-up tape out of our tape recorders that have long since been in need of retirement.

He gave us so many lasting Halloween memories. Let's figure out how we can return the favor and get his amazing 60-minute soundtrack to Halloween back out there. Who knows? Maybe the skeleton of "Haunted Horror" has another recording in him and all he needs is a little support from longtime fans to make this longtime goal of his a reality to give him the energy and drive to turn out more groundbreaking work.

Monster election pins to be sent back

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

With election night fast approaching on Nov. 1 and Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential race really heating up, there was no room for Transyl-vein-ia to get their election buttons wrong.

According to a Transyl-vein-ia Hall of Districts representative, who wishes to remain anonymous, staff received over 300,000 Election “Day” buttons, even though elections, for the past five centuries, have taken place during the night when most monsters, ghouls and goblins are more willing to go out and punch a ticket.

“When I find the monster that made this mistake, not only is this thing gonna be out of a job, it’s also gonna be forced to go work in the human sector,” said Transyl-vein-ia Hall of Districts Manager Afftur Yersoul. “Who in Hell -- or anywhere else in this region -- goes out to vote in the day?”

Yersoul launched an investigation to pin the thing down that did this. New buttons with the words "Election Night" have already been ordered. Only a dozen blue-collar workers were fired to pay for the expense.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will keep you up to date on the big button investigation and on the monster election as we approach the final weeks of the race.

Letters from the Lab: Dr. Augustine Mitchell and his robot minions

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

My name is the Mad Scientist. To be more precise, my name is Sir Victor Wilson, but you can call me Mad Scientist, The Mad Scientist or Mr. Scientist. Or you can just call me plain Mad.

Yes, I know there are many mad scientists around, especially in Transyl-vein-ia’s Mad Science District. But there are also many pills around and there’s still only one called “The Pill.” Well, I’m the only mad scientist called “The Mad Scientist.”

Over the course of the next few weeks, I plan on digging into the Mad Science District archives to bring you exciting stories about some of the other mad scientists in this world, even if none of them are more brilliant than I.

These scientists, like me, never ever think of going small. World domination is always the goal.

So grab yourself a cup of tea, sit back and enjoy this story about Dr. Augustine Mitchell, a colleague of mine from my earlier days as a junior mad scientist.

Dr. Augustine Mitchell made a great study of artificial intelligence. He created several household robots that did things for him around his lab, but he always wanted the robots to have feelings. And he wanted them to do things for themselves. He was growing tired of the same old menial tasks his robots were doing, like taking out the garbage, washing dishes and walking his pet saber tooth.

One day, Dr. Augustine took a sip of his tea and, from the seat at his lab table in his home lab, he envisioned an army of robotic minions. These minions would go out and rid the world of evil so that Dr. Augustine wouldn’t have competition anymore. He wanted to be the only evil in the land. After having this vision, Dr. Augustine stood up from the seat at his lab table in his home lab, raised both fists in the air and yelled, “I want a robotic minion army with the power it needs to purge this universe of all other evil!”

Yes, Dr. Augustine was yelling in his home lab, even though no one else was there at the time. Then he sat back down and he took another sip of his tea.

The next day, he and I met at a lab bar down on Doom Drive for some cookies and tea, and he handed me a book of blueprints that had various drawings of robot minions and their dimensions. He included every detail down to each and every screw.

These robots ranged from modular self-reconfiguring models to self-destructors. They could fly, crawl, disappear and create collectives amongst themselves. Some were microscopic and some were larger than 50-story buildings.

One drawing Dr. Augustine had was of a swarm of mechanical bees that could hover over its prey and sting, disorient and consume that prey and anything in its vicinity.

I asked Dr. Augustine why he wanted to create this army. After a sip of tea and a bite from one of his cookies, he stood up from his seat at the table in the lab bar down on Doom Drive, raised both fists in the air and yelled, “I want to take over the world, of course! I’ve been working in my underground lair for some time now, trying to rid this planet of the evil that competes directly with me! My minions will be programmed to look for these evildoers! They have several sub-routines programmed into them that sense evil thoughts and evil plans! And once my minion army detects these evildoers, they’ll attack and take them out! I have a test minion here with us now, if you would like to see it!”

Yes, Dr. Augustine was yelling in the lab bar down on Doom Drive. But everyone in that bar yells their own plans from their tables of cookies and tea, so no one else heard his plan.

Dr. Augustine didn’t return to his seat. With great excitement, he began his demonstration, even though I never said I wanted to see it. With a tiny remote, he called over one of his household robot minions. It rolled up to the table from some dark corner I didn’t see, pulling behind it something under a tarp that was about 8 feet tall. Dr. Augustine yanked the tarp and revealed one of his sample evil-destructor robot minions.

He turned to me, raised both fists in the air, and instead of yelling some more, he gave one of the loudest, evil “Muwahahahaha” laughs I’ve ever heard. Then he yelled after all.

“Watch while my creation comes to life and takes evil from this world!” he shouted at eardrum-shattering decibels.  

He turned his minion around, which was equipped with laser rocket guns on each arm, a jetpack and lethal blade-like armor all over, and he flipped the on switch to the on position.

Once the system booted up, scanned for viruses, and the doctor installed a couple minor updates that came up in the start-up process, the minion looked directly at his creator and killed him. Then the minion self-destructed into millions of pieces.

Luckily, I had gone to the lab bar in my newly designed invisible protection bubble. And it worked. I was safe. The bar, however, was not so good. But that’s nothing new. Mad scientists are blowing that place up almost every week. The ownership is used to it by now.

Once the dust settled, I looked over to see if Dr. Augustine was all right. He was not. He was dead. That’s when I noticed the doctor’s robot minion checklist. There was one thing he didn’t check off, and that was to program his minion to destroy all evil except the evil Dr. Augustine, no matter what it thought.

Dr. Augustine will be missed, but we will not miss the valuable lesson he taught us: Always make sure you’ve checked off everything on your checklist before you run a test. (I sometimes forget to check off the item reminding me to wipe the grease off my creations from my dirty hands -- not the most crucial of items to miss, clearly, though shine is still always important to me.)

Dr. Augustine’s research can be found in the Mad Science District Museum. And for more science talk and more letters from the lab, check back with me next week for Mad Science Mondays in October.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.