President Count Dracula signs order to install blood misters downtown

By Ouwt Onthetown

Staff Night Life Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Water misters are a great way to cool off during the hot, hot summer. Blood misters cool you off and quench your thirst as well.

President Count Dracula, who just took office on Monday, passed his first piece of legislation, ordering all downtown establishments with patios or other outdoor areas to install blood misters for patrons who are hot and a little thirsty, too.

“A misting system works on the simple principle of evaporative cooling and drinking,” the president said. “When the blood mist hits your skin, it feels good. But it also seeps into your pores, and your body essentially drinks it up for convenient replenishment. These days, convenience is king, and that’s why I want all places downtown with outdoor areas to have these systems. And also because I said so.”

The Bell Tower in Bell Tower Plaza, the Downtown Train Station and the Transyl-vein-ia Grille are the first places to get the misters. They’ve been operational since yesterday morning. Critics say they’re making a bloody mess.

“Not only is the air all red,” said the Hunchback locked away in the Bell Tower in Bell Tower Plaza, “but it’s turning the buildings and park benches and vehicles all red. And all the monsters are red, too. I get the appeal, but I feel like it’s a little much.”

Dracula told similar naysayers and “NIMBYists” (monsters who claim “Not In My Backyard) at a protest outside of the Fright House last night that he’s going to keep all the misters right where they are.

“Because I said so,” he said.

And he’s going to continue his plan to finish what he started.

“Because I said so,” he added.

The Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, the Museum of Modern Hearts and the picnic grounds near the Mighty Vein River are the next places in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia to get the additions. Time will tell if these misters have long-term effects on its monster residents and visitors or the environment.

Mangia, mangia, and then . . . MANGIA!

By Chef Annoy-ardee

Contributor to the JLP

There’s no such thing as “Not hungry” in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, especially if you’re in the Pushcart District where the curbside carts offer up everything from blood oranges and lethal lemons to eyeball parmesan and goo-gunk gelato.

Enter the enclave at Skullberry Street. Lined with tenement buildings and packed with pushcarts and peddlers of produce, fruit, rotting body parts and other goods (and delicious bads), the Pushcart District is authentic to its monster roots, steeped in tradition (there’s a feast celebration every day to honor non-virtuous spirits and immigrant monster heritage) and, of course, the most unique food in the world. Eat as much as you can because it doesn’t get any worse than this.

Stop by Joey Marinara’s Accordion Shop and Cannoli Stand for a sweet treat or two . . . or three or waaaay more. Fill up on steak and pork and fish and veal and everything else at Rat Pack’s Chop House while the biggest pack of rodents entertains you under the tables and all over your feet.

Marshmallow Man’s Super Cigar Saloon is a classy place to relax and let your food settle. That burning marshmallow mud that’s dumping all over you is just Marshmallow Man as he melts after he’s lit up a Macanundo Cru Royale. He always catches fire whenever he smokes. Never mind being full. You won’t find better marshmallow in your afterlife, so dig in. Marshmallow Man won’t mind. That mud on the floor there—that’s his mind. Bon appetite.

Come on, you’re too thin. Eat. Eat! Stop by the Anti-Social Club for some good conversation, a game or two of bocce ball, some espresso and cookies . . . and more cookies. Lots of cookies. Keep eating!

The Sunday Supper House celebrates Sundays (the day to rest in peace) every day with an open door and more food than you can stomach. Eat it all! The Supper House is a great environment for arguments and making good on vendettas.

Sure, go ahead and stop by the Museum of Monster Arts and Skull-ture for some monster history and not-so-fine art, and pick up atrocious style at Griffin’s Designer Clothing, Shoes, Bags and Bandage Company. That’s all on your way to Phantom Boulevard where you can get the worst slice of pizza at Pizza Phantom.

But before you do that, give Caffe Malocchio a shot with a cup of coffee, from the most skillfully blended and roasted coffee beans that even a 300-year-old zombie could taste, and, of course, the “evil eye.”

Then head over to Pizza Phantom for that slice. Enjoy a few slices. Don’t worry—each one is huge. Take a whole pie with you to enjoy during a performance at the Loudmouth Opera House next to the Phantom Recording Studio. Don’t stick around for autographs. There’s more to eat.

At the end of the block is Killer Korner. There you’ll find Mr. Meatball’s Horrible Heroes and Diabolic Deli. (Don’t forget that March 9th is Monster Meatball Day.) There, you can get the largest hero sandwiches anywhere, giant veggies, meatballs the size of boulders and other really gigantic goodies to stuff in your face.

There’s also the Killer Tomato Stand. (Don’t forget that April 6th is Fresh Killer Tomato Day.) By the time you arrive, you should be more than full.

For you killer tomatoes out there at the stand, the above-mentioned “guests” should be stuffed with good food and flavors you’ll love, and ready to be eaten by the time they show up at your door. Roll right over them till they’re goners and devour them at a feverish pace for best results. Invite those maniacal monster meatballs from the meatball shop next door to join you for the meal. Mangia!

Transyl-vein-a elects president . . . kinda

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Transyl-vein-ia was supposed to elect a new president last Nov. 1, but monsters were too tired or distracted following Halloween festivities and forgot all about it, and as a result, Count Dracula, last night, appointed “his truly” to fill the spot. He's the new president.

Our former leader, the Electrified Creature, who got an extra year out of his presidency due to the failed election last year, told Jack-o’-Lantern Press that he was happy to give up his electric chair.

“I’m tired of being the ruler of the creep world,” the Electrified Creature said in statement he issued last night following the news of Drac’s self-appointed presidency. “If he thinks he can make Transyl-vein-ia a more terrifying place to live and scare, I wish him all the bad luck he can get.”

Transyl-vein-ians had a choice between five candidates on the ballot last year. Jason the slasher psycho, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Wolfman and Count Dracula all had strong platforms. A national poll in mid-October showed the slasher psycho was in the lead.

However, none of that matters now because, in the dead of the night, the world’s leading bloodsucker moved his coffin and a few dump trucks full of Carpathian Mountain dirt into the Fright House at 1666 Transyl-vein-ia Ave. in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia and set up shop.

“I’m the new king,” he told reporters this morning before the sun came up. “Since we don’t have any real form of government here, no monster can really do anything about it. If they’d like, they can run for office in four years to change how things work around here. Until then, I call the shots around here. And right now a shot of B12 sounds mighty tasty.”

Dracula’s running mates had little to say on the matter. The Wolfman growled, Frankenstein’s Monster groaned, the Creature from the Black Lagoon gurgled and Jason the slasher psycho doesn’t even talk.

"The Frankenstein Monster calls me master, anyway," President Count Dracula said.

So that’s that. Hail to the new chief. Already, the new president is asleep on the job. Fright House officials suggest he’ll awake when the sun goes down this evening.

Witch Stew perfect for Sunday supper

By a witch

Contributor to the JLP

Remember cold, dank Sunday nights in the meadow back home, sitting around the cauldron for some good old-fashioned witch stew and maybe a little witchcraft, too?

Well, have all kinds of fear, we’ve got the perfect recipe for you right here:

INGREDIENTS:

1 jar crushed ancient bones (or 2.2-ounce box of beefy onion soup mix – 2 envelopes)

1 3½-pound possum, with all the fat (or beef rump roast, trimmed of fat)

2 pounds small dragon claws (or small red potatoes), scrubbed and halved

3 large rat tails (or carrots), peeled and sliced

2 goblin ribs (or celery ribs), sliced

7 toads (or garlic cloves), minced

½ teaspoon magic pepper (or garlic pepper)

2 teaspoons dried poison sumac leaves (or dried thyme leaves)

1 poison hemlock leaflet (or bay leaf)

1½ cups of vampire bat blood (or zinfandel or other fruity red wine)

14½ ounces of witches broth (or a can of beef broth)

¼ cup corpse powder (or all-purpose flour)

DIRECTIONS:

Place the contents of the crushed ancient bones (dry soup mix envelopes) into a small evil spell dish (baking dish). Add the possum (roast) to the dish and rub or pat the ancient bones (soup mix) all over it.

In cauldron (or 5-quart electric slow cooker/crock pot), place half each of the dragon claws (potatoes), rat tails (carrots), goblin ribs (celery) and toads (garlic). Season with half each of the magic pepper (garlic pepper) and poison sumac (thyme). Tuck the poison hemlock (bay leaf) into dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables).

Mix together 1 cup of the vampire bat blood (wine) and the broth. Pour into the cauldron (slow cooker). Add the possum (roast) and scrape any crushed ancient bones (dry soup mix) left in the evil spell dish (baking dish) on top. Cover the meat with the remaining dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables), toads (garlic), magic pepper (garlic pepper) and poison sumac (thyme).

Cover and cook on low flame (low heat setting) for 9 to 10 hours (or until the meat is tender), then cackle a lot and chant the following spell:

“Possum, dragon claws, rat tails, too,

“Mix with goblin ribs for the stew.

“Toads, magic pepper and poisonous leaves,

“A bad juicy bat from a castle’s eaves.

“Dark spirits and demons, come from the grave,

“Awaken your evil friends, and let’s all misbehave.”

Remove the meat to a warm serving platter. Remove and discard the poison hemlock (bay leaf). Scoop out the dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables) and slotted spoon and scatter them over and around the possum (roast). Cover with foil and keep warm.

Pour the juices from the cauldron (slow cooker) into a medium saucepan and bring to a boil on top of a semi-roaring fire (or stove over medium-high heat). Whisk together the remaining ½ cup vampire bat blood (wine) and the corpse powder (flour) until well blended. Stir all that into the juices in the saucepan and cook, stirring constantly, until the gravy thickens and the corpse powder (flour) has lost its raw taste (should take about 3 to 5 minutes).

Dump the gravy over the meat and dragon claws, rat tails and goblin ribs (vegetables), chant that spell some more, then wait for the armies of the dead to show up and serve.

Get ‘Gorlocked’ in Dark Woods

By The Evil Hare

Contributor to the JLP

Where are those Gorlocks going? Curiosity killed the cat. And isn’t that why you came and sat?

        

Try a poisonous apple, the Big Bad Werewolf waits for you to arrive. Follow those Gorlocks into the woods that’re alive. Then down the Fountain of Fear. Down, down, down . . . You’re sick to your stomach as you spin roun’, roun’, roun’.

        

It gets curiouser and curiouser the deeper you fall. Three blind rats and three big hogs, a wooden boy with splinters and all. The Mole Man in the Moon. Old Mother Hubbard stuck in that cupboard.

        

“Hush-a-bye, baby,” the old lady sings. On the treetop, the cradle she flings. The bough breaks, the cradle falls. Down comes baby, who gets up and calls. Not for help, but for more.

        

More, more, more. A bigger spider to sit down beside her. A grizzly bear for Goldilocks’ lair. A duckling so hideously out of sight! And Mr. McGregor’s poisonous garden—have a bite.

Through the doorway down below, the ant and the grasshopper talk. The ant with his corn for winter, the grasshopper with not. So the grasshopper eats the ant. And the sheep in wolf’s clothing eats all the wolves.

The genie in the lamp is something to be seen. He grants you three nightmares, and only three, if you please. The Beast and The Beauty—the monster tears her to shreds. Now that’s a sleeping beauty, if ever one dreads.

Elves run rampant. Run with them, too. Follow them up the beanstalk, and join The Giant in his stew. Back down you go, what a throw, into the house of cake, Ding Ding!  Meet The Green Witch. What sweet treats she has to bring, bring.

Here comes The Prince on his white horse, with a glass slipper and a kiss. Let him climb Rapunzel’s hair, see what he finds there in the mist. A dragon. The Dragon. He thought he saw The Dragon. It is. Join the green monster and take the brat down. Down with him, down with him, down with them all.

But a sword, The King’s Son draws, and he slays and slays . . .

Did you think this would have a happy ending? This isn’t that kind of fairy tale, so tall. Up above the world, so bright, those twinkling little stars are bats’ eyes at night. The Rain Man shows, and down the rain does drop. You’ve just been paid a visit by a Dark Woods Gorlock.

Graffiti found on medieval dungeon wall

By Attila the Hun the 2nd-and-a-Half

Staff Dark Ages Writer

WITCHES MEADOW -- A local wizard was taking his nightly constitutional in the neighborhood late yesterday evening when he came across a rather large piece of graffiti on the north side of the Rottenham Dungeons.

Unfortunately, the medieval jail doesn’t have security cameras, so dungeon keepers were unable to catch the culprit.

“We live in the Dark Ages,” said the Head Headsman of the Dungeons. “We don’t have new age digital gadgetry like ‘surveillance cameras’ and ‘security systems.’ So I made a call to a guy I went to ghoul school with, who’s now a resident in the Mad Science District, and he put an enforcer robot with a DNA tracker on the job. What we discovered was that the spray-paint artist was having some fun following the big Witching Hour fest-evil the other night, but then made the mistake of leaving human cells all over the dungeon wall he defaced and all the way back to his dwelling in the woods near Thorn Thicket. Now said artist is doing 100 years in the Dungeons. The only DNA trail he’ll be making any time soon will be the one he makes to my chopping block.”

Dark Ages, indeed. When asked how the Head Headsman made a phone call from a medieval dungeon to his pally in the Mad Science District, he simply said, “These days, even we have cell phones. Mine’s getting a little glitchy, though. I’ll probably have to run a firmware update following the double-header I’ve got planned this Sunday."

Monsters celebrate Witching Hour with annual fest-evil

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

WITCHES MEADOW -- Hundreds celebrated the Witching Hour at the Black Cauldron Encampment in Witches Meadow at midnight last night and into the morning.

Several witches, including the Orange Witch, cast a giant, evil spell to open portals into the human world for the upcoming Halloween season. At around 12:17 a.m., monsters began going through the portals to prepare for spooking.

“It’s just so awful too see the whole Transyl-vein-ian community come together,” Mad Science District resident, Mad Man, said. “Everything draws everyone together these nights, so it’s just bad seeing everyone together in the worst possible way to have wicked fun with their hordes or clans or werewolf packs. It’s great!”

Activities kicked off during Media Night yesterday evening with a vampire bat barbecue, dead bands and more than 30 villainous vendors.

Of course, the night means more than just doom in the gloom. We celebrate the Witching Hour to express and give chills for our ability to scare the living daylights out of people.

“A lot of monsters, ghouls and goblins are here enjoying the holiday, but there’s a significant reason for the Witching Hour,” said a Bigfoot National Park slasher psycho wielding a giant machete and an idling chainsaw, waiting to enter a portal. “I think it’s really important that we as monsters of Transyl-vein-ia really participate in the Witching Hour celebration and just remember what it’s all about: Halloween and causing great harm to people in their world during the Halloween season."