Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern
Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A
Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches,
Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.”
To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click
HERE.
When in Bigfoot National
Park, do as the Footers do: Get a picture of Bigfoot. Here’s what you’ll
typically need before you go search for the ol’ boy:
Bigfoot Survival Guide: This is essential for
your adventure. All proceeds go to me. I wrote it.
Camouflaged/dark clothing: It may cost more to get
Dairy Queen camo, but it’s worth it. It comes with images of DQ Blizzard cups,
which fits right in with all the empty DQ Blizzard cups strewn about the park.
‘Foot loves Blizzards.
War paint: This doesn’t work so well
on you werewolves, fiery demons and blobs. Doesn’t stick.
Sleeping bags for your party: The Lodge offers a wide
variety of beddings, including roll-up coffins for all you vampires out there.
GPS: Make sure you get a GPS
unit — you don’t want to get lost in Bigfoot country. No one will be able to
find you. That’s because GPS units don’t work out here.
Deer urine: This attracts Bigfoot.
‘Foot loves deer urine. Beef jerky will also do the trick and it doesn’t smell
nearly as bad.
Rope: This is imperative. You
just can’t gear up without a big spool of rope to hang around your belt.
Bear mace: This does nothing to
Bigfoot, but there are plenty of bears in the park and you may come across one,
or several. Bears want something to do, too, and the idea of you trying to
defend yourself with a little can of smelly spray is always amusing to them before
they rip your face off. Please, feed the bears.
Video recording device: You’ve come all this way
to see Bigfoot. You’ll want something to document him. ‘Foot also wants
something to do, and the idea of you trying to capture him on video is amusing
to him before he rips your face off. ‘Foot can’t survive on DQ Blizzards and
beef jerky alone.
Flare gun: Shoots fiery flares into
the sky to signal distress. Note: Smokey the Bear uses the same small portals
Bigfoot uses between the monster and the human worlds. He finds you shooting
fiery flares in the forest, he’ll tear your face off. Cancel the flare gun.
Cell phone: If there’s danger
approaching, use a cell phone. Cell service is terrible in the park, but you
can still play video games on the phone as a distraction while the threat
closes in on you.
Lighter: Good for building fires to
keep warm and heat up your food. See comments on flare guns, in regard to fires
in the park.
Flashlight: It gets dark in the park.
You can make really very cool shadow animals on the trees with a really good,
bright, expensive LED flashlight.
Tent: This is the last thing to
pack, because you may not survive long enough to need it. If it’s too much to
carry after you’ve loaded up with all the previous gear, consider leaving the tent
behind at the Lodge. It’ll be safer there, anyway.
You may also want to carry
along a net gun and stun gun, first aid kit, night vision goggles, fishing
rods, tackle, water purification system, insect repellent, explosives and a
watch. None of these things will keep you alive and they most likely won’t help
you catch Bigfoot. But it all sounds really cool as the gear bangs together on
your body and attracts bears while you navigate the woods.
