National poll: Jason leads way in presidential race

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

According to a national poll, Jason, the hockey mask-wearing, machete-carrying slasher psycho, is leading the way in Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential Election.

He’s the favorite among millennials, and there are more young folks voting in this election than ever before.

“These kids just can’t relate to the classic monsters,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “And, frankly, I don’t blame them. It’s time we finally get a slasher psycho the Red House. We’re all sick of the classics.”

But it’s the older voters who couldn’t be more against Jason.

“He would not represent us well at all,” said The Mummy. “He doesn’t even talk. How’s he going to conduct business around the world if he doesn’t talk? At least Frankenstein’s Monster grunts.”

In the recent poll conducted by the Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, several voters were turned off by Count Dracula’s bloodsucking ways. The Sea Creature is a one-issue candidate, some said, and the Wolf Man is two-faced.

“The Wolf Man is too hot and cold,” said one voter who told reporters that her vote was going to Jason. “Jason doesn’t discriminate. He goes after men and women equally.”

Count Dracula said he truly believed the poll was rigged and that Jason’s campaign brought in those kids from Camp Crystal Lake and Camp Slasher Psycho to throw off the vote.

“These toddlers don’t even care about pol-‘It’-ics,” the vampire said. “They’re too busy running around the lake being reckless and selfish and -- they shouldn’t even be allowed to vote in a monster election. They’re not even monsters. If I get in, I’ll have them removed from Transyl-vein-ia and sent back to where they came from.”

The town hall debate that was scheduled this week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia where candidates could’ve talked about the results of the recent poll was postponed until next week due to the recent scandal involving Dracula on tape criticizing women for their ugly necks. The Count said he needed to address that matter first, which he called “wrong,” but told debate officials that he’d be available in a week’s time.

The other candidates agreed to postpone the debate and they all look forward to getting together then to discuss what’s right and wrong with the world and how they’re going to make it a badder place. We’ll have coverage following the event.

Evidence shows cottage in Carpathian Mountains may've belonged to Merlin

By Meddi Valtimes

Staff Dark Ages Writer

A cottage discovered in a valley of Transyl-vein-ia’s Carpathian Mountains is said to have once belonged to Merlin the Magician.

According to archeologists, the structure was mostly empty when they found it, but there were a few telling artifacts that could be traced back to the great sorcerer.

“We found a skull that we believe Merlin had on the right side of the second to top shelf of his aviation bookcase in the far left corner of the cottage,” said Cy Ence, one of the experts who made the recent discovery. “After careful examination of the indentations on the floor, we could see the make and model of the bookcase that rested there and we could see when it rested there, which was around the time Merlin was said to be in these parts. By going off the deeper divots in the floor on the left side, it suggests there were fewer books on the right side of the shelf -- and we know Merlin kept his bookshelves full and that he often had skulls in his dwellings for dramatic effect -- thus we believe he placed that skull on that shelf, but on the second to top shelf because Merlin had a lot of coffee table books that he picked up from the future that he couldn’t fit in the inside shelves of the case -- he never had any room on his coffee tables because he always had experiments and model kits on his coffee tables (he loved building classic muscle car models) -- so he would have had to put those coffee table books on top of the bookshelf, which means the skull was most likely on the second to top shelf.”

When asked how he knew the skull belonged to Merlin to begin with, Ence said he and his team found a crack in the forehead, which Merlin used to prefer in all his skulls for dramatic effect. According to Ence, the skull was also made from magic, which is where Merlin got his skulls.

“He didn’t like real skulls,” Ence said. “And the skull we found was not real. We also found owl droppings in the cottage, which we believe came from Merlin’s pet owl, Archimedes.”

When asked how they examined the droppings, Ence said, “Carefully.” He brought several droppings to a lab for extensive study. There are scientists in that lab who work specifically in poop, and they found that the droppings, even though they were ages old, had traces of tea in it.”

“We now know that Archimedes would regularly share tea with Merlin,” Ence said. “And the traces of tea we found in the owl droppings were of the Sleepy Time brand that Merlin allegedly got from the future and used to drink. Upon further investigation of the tea traces under our electron microscope, which is a microscope that has the ability to make images to a resolution of half the width of a hydrogen atom, we actually found remnants of chain from the water well out front, which we determined hasn’t had a chain on it since around the time Merlin was said to be in these parts, and we could establish that by examining the rust on the well’s wheel -- if you count the rust rings, you can figure out the exact last time the wheel turned, and that was around the time Merlin was said to be in these parts, and the last chain that would’ve been used at that time would’ve been the chain Merlin would’ve had and that’s the chain remnants we found in the traces of tea we discovered in the owl droppings, which means Merlin got water from the well, probably struggled with the chain, then made the tea that he and Archimedes drank, the owl went poop, the poop dropped to the cottage floor, it remained there for all these ages, we found it, we examined it, it’s what we think it is, and thus this was Merlin’s cottage and we know it is.”

Ence and his team also found a hole in the straw roof, which they feel is the one a young King Arthur made when he fell from a tree into the cottage where he first met Merlin. They also discovered shards of glass that they deemed to be test tube glass from experiments Merlin was conducting.

“I could tell you how we came to those conclusions as well,” Ence told reporters. “It won’t take that long and it's more proof that this was one of Merlin's cottages.”

Ence did go on, and he just kept going on and on, and we don’t have enough space to go on and on with him, but his report is available online and in the Mad Science District Museum if you’re into to self-inflicted pain.

Or you can just visit the cottage. You’ll find it in the Merlin Valley Woods. The cottage has a sign out front that reads, “Merlin the Magician,” and the address is 1963 Merlin Way, which is the address Merlin had at one time during his life.

Jack-o'-Lantern Press launches podcast

The ghouls and goblins at Jack-o'-Lantern Press launched a new podcast this week called "The Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast." 

JLP creators Michael Picarella, Tom Picarella and Robert Picarella talk about and review cool things for those obsessed with Halloween and monsters.

In Episode 1, the guys discuss some cool, fast-growing digital decorations you can use in your own home. They also give information about a website that will help you celebrate Halloween 365 days of the year. 

If you love Halloween and you love monsters, then check out this podcast. Listen to the first episode by clicking on the link below:

The Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast

"We're hoping to do at least one or two more episodes by Halloween night," said JLP Publisher Michael Picarella. "And we're planning to do a podcast where we'll discuss the results of the all-too-important Transyl-vein-ia Presidential Election, which we'll post on Nov. 9th or 10th."

Transyl-vein-ia will vote for a new president on Nov. 8, 2016. The five candidates running are Count Dracula, Sea Creature, Jason, Frankenstein's Monster and the Wolf Man.

"It's anyone's guess who will win," said JLP Head of Research and Development Tom Picarella. "I'm still looking over the news coverage our reporters from Jack-o'-Lantern Press are bringing in. I know that before I go into the booth, I'll be able to make a more informed decision. And I'll be able to discuss that decision on the show and know what I'm talking about."

"The Jack-o'-Lantern Podcast" is everything your ears have wanted to have in them next to bed bugs and cockroaches. Check it out tonight!

Letters from the Lab: Adaptive Reality a reality

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

He advertised it in many worlds as a way for individuals to go about their day without having to do anything. They wouldn’t have to think, move and, in the case of humans, experience pain, which people, strange enough, don’t particularly enjoy. Even those with missing body parts could have new ones, thanks to the brilliant science called Adaptive Reality.

Professor Malcolm Sawyer was a mad scientist in Transyl-vein-ia’s Mad Science District who, two years ago, created Adaptive Reality and introduced it to mad scientists and enthusiasts during last year’s New Inventions Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center on Jekyll Drive.

“Adaptive Reality is not an ordinary system like Virtual Reality,” Sawyer told a packed hall of convention-goers last October. “With Virtual Reality, you’re put into an entirely invented environment. Adaptive Reality isn’t even even like Augmented Reality, where the real world has artificial and computer-generated beings and objects in it. Adaptive Reality is robotics and machinery that tethers to a living organism and then adapts to that living organism.”

At the convention, Sawyer demonstrated his Adaptive Reality on a zombie who had previously lost her leg to another zombie that needed flesh. Sawyer tethered his system onto the zombie and let her roam the hall for all to see.

“At first, it felt like I had a prosthetic leg,” the zombie said. “It was heavy and cumbersome, and it felt like a machine for sure. After about five minutes, though, the leg began to learn my moves and it adapted to me, and all of a sudden I couldn’t feel it anymore. It was as if my leg was back. And right there in the hall, I walked up to an individual taking notes on the demonstration, and I ate her brain right out of her head. It was fantastic!”

Sawyer’s second demonstration at the convention was even more impressive. He brought a giant chicken heart onto the stage and asked it what it wanted most. It said it wanted to know what it was like to terrorize a small metropolis, if only it could move.

“I’ve had dreams of marching down busy streets, stomping on evading humans, knocking over telephone poles and devouring mid-size vehicles,” the giant chicken heart said. “With Adaptive Reality, it sounds like all my dreams can come true.”

Then, with some newly-fitted AR legs and arms, the chicken heart stood up from the folding chair it was sitting in, walked out of the building, and, from the video screen, everyone in the hall watched it stomp on groups of evading pedestrians on Jekyll Drive, knock over telephone poles and devour full-size vehicles.

Sawyer’s third and final demonstration at the convention was with a human specimen. This human was snatched up from the suburban sector. It was still wearing fresh pizza stains on its shirt, and it was still clutching a video game controller and wearing Virtual Reality goggles. It hadn’t moved from its bedroom in weeks. It was the perfect example of “lazy teenager.”

“When was the last time you left your bedroom?” Sawyer asked the specimen on stage.

“I don’t leave my bedroom, dude,” the specimen answered. “Dude, this is the coolest VR I’ve ever seen. It really feels like I’m in a convention hall.”

The specimen didn’t even know it had left its bedroom back in the human world. When Sawyer asked what the specimen wanted out of life, it said it wanted to do nothing but play video games.

“Don’t you have to go to school?” Sawyer asked.

“Yeah, dude,” the specimen said. “Eventually I’ll have to go back, but I’m gonna enjoy my time until they make me go, bro.”

Sawyer said there’s a whole generation of human beings that can’t deal with going to school or work or social gatherings because they fear they’ll have to deal with things like stress, letdown and situations where they’d have to think. So, with that in mind, Sawyer attached an Adaptive Reality Body Suit to the human specimen he had on stage.

“The Body Suit includes a headset that fits around the ears and taps into the brain of the individual wearing it,” Sawyer told his audience. “I designed it to pick up on the individual’s thoughts and questions, and based on the individual’s thoughts, the AR will answer those questions. Then, using the answers, the AR will take actions on behalf of the individual.”

Once Sawyer had the human specimen fitted in the suit, he transported the then-cybernetic being through a portal on stage to the human world.

“It was like a dream, dude,” the specimen told reporters at the end of his first day in the suit. “I was at school, actually listening to my teachers’ lectures and I was somehow learning from them. Every girl I asked to the Fall Dance turned me down. And I was even doing homework for the first time in years. Bro, the funny thing is, I wasn’t doing a dang thing. The Adaptive Reality was taking in all the information, dealing with all the failure and doing all the thinking. I was more like a bystander, bro, but in my own body. It was totally mindless. It was awesome, dude!”

Reports yesterday confirm that Professor Sawyer’s Adaptive Reality was, in fact, a major plan to control all those who purchased and used his systems. Sawyer successfully sold over 1.7 billion units to humans and monsters in various worlds over the last year. He even had doctors inserting microscopic AR units into human and monster newborns as part of their vaccinations. Then, last week, he began to manipulate all AR-controlled individuals in an effort for his own good. He had them bring him various leaders from all the worlds so he could take ultimate control of all life.

And he would’ve gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for those darned kids.

“That’s right,” said one brainless kid in a group of many who were tired of being operated by Sawyer and his AR. “We wanted our lives back, so a bunch of us took off our patented Body Suits, hacked into them -- that firewall was totally vulnerable -- and we turned them all against their creator.”

Late last night, AR pieces from all worlds turned toward Sawyer’s lab in the Mad Science District, and began their invasion.

As of this morning, the explosions could still be heard from all over the Mad Science District. They were big. They were loud. They were endless.

Professor Sawyer is most likely a goner. He will be missed.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.

The Fly offers to change trick-or-treaters into hybrid insect of choice

By Laye D. Bug

Staff Swarm Writer

The Fly is going into the human world this Halloween, and he’s bringing with him a set of telepods and a bagful of bugs to change trick-or-treaters into the hybrid insect of their choice.

The Brundlefly Project, as The Fly is calling it, will be the first of its kind since 1986 when Seth Brundle (The Fly’s previous identity) first developed a teleporting science that resulted in the mutation of two beings.

“Kids don’t have to be bats for bugs to try it out,” Fly said. “In fact, it’s more fun if they’re not. But I’ll be doing the transformations in places with lots of walls to climb and things to break so participants can try out their newly increased strength and stamina.”

Fly said there’s no going back once trick-or-treaters go into a telepod.

“All I can do to make things better is string up three telepods,” Fly said, “and fuse three beings together into one ultimate family. By the end of the night, we should have some real interesting messes for someone to try to destroy. Fat chance of that, though. That’s right -- I’m not going down so easy this time.”

The Fly will have many Brundlefly Project stations set up all over the human world beginning at 7 p.m. on Oct. 31. To find a location near you, check the Bartok Science Industries’ website or see the full-page ad in this month’s edition of Particle Magazine.

Gorgon Sisters to perform at Young Fronkensteen Theatre

By Ouwt Onthetown

Staff Night Life Writer

You’re in for some treatsssssssssss.

At 10 p.m. this Friday, the Gorgon Sisters will bring their high-demand singing act to the Young Fronkensteen Theatre in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia for what is said will be a weekly show.

“We’re thrilled to have the girls live at the Young Fronkensteen,” said theatre owner Mighty Joe Young. “We’re still working on an agreement, but we’re hoping to have their act every Friday night.”

Part of Young’s deal restricts the mythological creatures from turning theatre guests who are staring into stone.

“It’s against their nature,” Young said, “but we can’t have them making statues out of our audiences. It’s in their best interest. And, hey, we’re not saying all guests are off limits. We’re just asking them to save those who aren’t incessantly staring.”

The Gorgon Sisters’ music is from another time, and not even their own ancient time. After the oldest sister, Medusa, lost her head during a run-in with the Greek hero Perseus some time ago, she underwent surgery to get her head back on her shoulders. She developed a love for song and, in the late 1930s, decided life was too short -- she got her sisters together and they built up a singing act.

The Gorgon Sisters’ first performances were for some skeletons, ogres and giant scorpions in Monster Island’s Gorgon Gorge. After turning them into stone and then everyone else in the region, the sisters found they had no one else to entertain. So they took take their act on the road.

In 1942, they hired a manager who figured out that putting the sisters on radio and TV would preserve their fan base because the fans wouldn’t be sculptures by the end of each performance. That’s when the girls recorded “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” and “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree,” which went platinum.

“But music lovers wanted to see the Gorgon Sisters live,” Young said. “And they couldn’t do that until now. That’s the gift I’m giving those who’ve stood behind them all these years, although I recommend you actually ‘stand behind them’ and avoid eye contact when they perform. You’ve been warned.”

The cost to see the show is $15 a head (bring your own, Perseus) and maybe your life if you can’t stop staring. Doors open at 8 p.m.